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New here and want to do it right as a step mom and mom

nix66's picture

Similar to my bio...
I'm a mom of a 18 year old daughter and 17 year old son. Great kids all around. Have had a rough life though due to there dad having a brain tumor when they were 5 and 6. Dad made it through thank God. We divorced a few years later, not on bad terms I just didn't want to be a mom to him and the kids as he thought his star wars stuff and gaming stuff game first. Then years ago he relapsed and his still fighting for his life. He and I have a pretty good relationship even though his wife hates our kids and wishes they weren't in the picture. She's one of those parents that has kids for something to yell at all day and unfortunately my kids don't stand for it as they stand up for there step bothers, 16 and 11 and themselves. They are tough kids and have had a rough life with there dad being sick twice and almost losing him this summer also.
About 2 1/2 years after we separated I finally started dating t and his great man that was everything my ex wasn't. He had three kids with his ex wife. There daughter was 11 years older the oldest boy then the 2 boys are about 18 months apart. The daughter was15 when I came in the picture and out of control. The oldest boy was 4 and was taught nothing, no discipline what so ever with these kids. And the youngest 3 who did everything the oldest boy did. It was hard to have my 2 kids were 13 and 11 then and I wasn't strict on them but taught them manners, respect and proper behavior. They are not perfect but I was a 24 hour a day mom not one that only did it when it was necessary. See he was military and worked shift work, she was a lazy stay at home "mom". She stopped the little bit of parenting she did when he got home whether he had of slept all night or had it didn't matter. She didn't work ever and didn't keep house. When he would try a discipline the kids she would call him a child abuser. Once she couldn't get there daughter to bed and he was working on reports for work. She yelled at him to get upstairs and deal with there daughter, he slapped her butt on the way up the stairs and the mother flipped out and called CAS. The worker came and listened to both stories which matched and said that she was the one who asked for his help and slapping her butt once isn't considered child abuse. So he really didn't have any say when it came to raising his kids.
We moved in together to quickly which only lasted 9 months thanks to the daughter and her lies and manipulation. He and I got it worked out but I said as long as she is living with him I was keeping a place of my own. As for the boys they didn't help. We went to the Christmas parade the first year together and my kids and a friend of there's and his daughter and I left early for a movie. When the parade was done he headed to my car as I had his van and tried putting the two boys in, the 5 and 3. The oldest one got in and tried to get out the drivers side and almost got hit. While the youngest saw the oldest being bad decided to run off down the busy sidewalk. He got the oldest in and put on the kid licks and ran after the other. When I got home he was pissed because we left him with his 2 boys. I informed him that I had 2 kids at that age about the same apart in age and never had that problem so he needs to deal with it. No one taught them the dangers of the road or sidewalk at night and not holding your parents hand while in public. The oldest would run out the door down the road with the youngest in toe, the 2 of them laughing. The would swear, hit and spit on you just for fun. Almost 6 years later, 2 break ups and some serious fights because of his daughter and oldest son, we are still together lol. The youngest one seemed to listen and learn from my kids and I teaching him and is a pretty amazing little boy. The oldest boy isn't much better but he was diagnosed with leukemia the first summer we got together and now both parents baby him and the youngest gets blamed for everything. Luckily he has us because we know when the oldest lies and he doesn't get away with it. There dad and I have an amazing relationship except when he sticks up for the oldest and throws the youngest under the bus which happens at the moms all the time also. I can't imagine having a child with leukemia but they both don't realise the impacted of them not disciplining him and disciplining the younger one for stuff he doesn't do is doing to both of these boys. When we fight about it or I try talking to him about it he seems to understand yet the one night I was downstairs while he was putting the boys to be and the oldest one yelled and the younger one, "That is why your so stupid, you never listen to me". I waited a min to see what he was going to do about it and he said nothing! I couldn't just sit there and do nothing when I have had the youngest one crying in my lap about how horrible he is treated by everyone but my kids and I. So I hollered up and asked him why he didn't say anything and he said about what? I asked if he had heard what the older one said and repeated it and he said no he didn't. I informed him he did and he told the oldest to apologise. I asked him when he came down how he could not have heard it when he was in the room with them, the room isn't very big, it fits a tall boy dresser, two single beds a shelf and tv stand. He just seems to tune some things out. One of his favourite things to say is he picks his battles with the oldest one. I say if you pick them you should pick the ones that are hurting others and himself. He really is a great dad even with these faults it's just hard because he was never allowed to parent them for so many years and had to step up once he left her. He knows that the oldest is bad and needs to be taught proper manners and not to lie about everything, but we only have them every other weekend and he doesn't want to spend them teaching him everything again as the mother teaches him nothing while she has them.
A few examples of the oldest boys behavior. When he was 4 and in the hospital for the first time finding out about the leukemia his moms mother came to see him and we where all in the room, his dad and I and his mom and her boyfriend who is closer to her daughters age then hers. When she walked in the oldest boy said, "Get out you f?%#ing b%#ch, I don't like you or want you here." His dad smacked him lightly on the mother and the mother flipped on his head and told the nurses about it and that it was child abuse even though he just spoke to her own mother like this at the age of 4. She tried to get me on her side as we had just met for the first time and I just smiled at her and didn't say a thing. I was in a head on collision 3 years ago and my foot is permanently messed up without surgery and rehab and the waiting list to get surgery is long. Another time, I was trying to be playful with him as he gets jealous of my time with his brother. He knows very well that I have a bad foot and it hurts to walk or stand or if someone was to stomp on it, even knowing this he decided instead of playing nice he would stomp on my foot causing me excruciating pain. Another time we went to my cousins with the boys and my kids and mom and went for a beautiful sleigh ride in the snow. Mom leaned over and I told a picture of her and the youngest boy and then tried the same with the oldest and he slapped her across the face. Needless to say there wasn't much done about it as there dad doesn't like to make scenes in front of people. Mom still remembers this to this day and doesn't like the oldest boy but plays nice and buys him gifts for his birthday and Christmas and smiles about it lol. Now that he is older and he is extremely smart which he uses for bad not good he likes to tell me how things work when he gets in trouble. I try talking to him first like I did with my kids but then he lies and lies again and then lies again. After I finally get him to confess I try to explain to him if he would have just told the truth in the first place he wouldn't have gotten in so much trouble. So that we know that he understands what he did wrong we have him repeat it to us, most of the time he tells me what I did wrong by not listening to him and not knowing what I am talking about. But sometimes he tells us what he did wrong and won't do it again.
I try to spend time with him and play games with him but he seems to always turn everything into some negative. There are days that we have great times together but they don't last all day.
Kids don't come with instructions but common sense tells you to teach them right from wrong, how to speak proper, be polite, and honest and all that. I did it with my kids and yes they have there moments, we all do but I am proud of them and can take them to peoples houses without worrying about them misbehaving or taking them shopping and having them not run around the store or whine because they can't have every toy they want. I can't do this with his oldest boy without worrying. The youngest listens very well and behaves 99 % of the time with us which is awesome.
Is there something I am doing wrong?
As for his daughter, she lives on her own in geared to income housing like her mother and is on welfare trying to get disability because she has anxieties when she is out is public. Yet she meets random men off line for coffee and sleeps with them and is now pregnant with ones baby. She does have a disability I do admit, her mind doesn't mature as quickly as it should so at 21 she has the maturity level of a 15 year old and sleeps all day and is up for only a couple hours each day. She thinks she is going to keep this baby and it scares the hell out of me. She can't sleep all day with a baby and she doesn't like having a routine or responsibilities. This baby is going to suffer. Her mother thinks she will be fine once she has the baby but the daughter and I talk a lot and I make sure I say things just right so that she can be honest with me and trust me and I don't think she thinks she can do it but doesn't want to give the baby up. I'm not interested in raising another child but I also won't stand by and watch her neglect this baby. I told her if she wants we will set her up somehow here for the first bit and I will help her to understand the responsibilities of being a mom. Her mother is probably hoping she will give her the baby as she has wanted one but with the oldest boys health she has held off and is now 41. My hubby and I don't want his grandchild raised by her and she screwed up the first 3 already but we will have to see how it goes.
Anyone have any advice feel free to tell me, I'm all ears.

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nix66's picture

Sorry it was so long, just wanted to make sure I told the whole story so people understand it all. :jawdrop:

nix66's picture

Thank you so much for your guidence. As for my hubby the mistakes I've mentioed are basically the only ones he's made. He tries to do what's right but his ex controlled him and was very verbally abusive with him. When we started seeing each otheri woukd complement him and hevwould tell me not to as it's not true. His marriage with her was a very negative place and he also has ptsd from going over seas to fight. He treats my kids like gold, drives them all over whenever and where ever. They both havethere licenses now and he bought a kia sportage for my son to drive and daughter but she hates driving lol. He treats me likea princess all the time other then those couple times. My family loves him even my mom which right there is awesome because she is also my best friend and hears all the bad and good. He came from that abusive relationship to one that he is loved and apreciated. He works hard and pays the bills. We have a home we bought 4 years ago, my kids and I moved in 3 yeas ago as we had our apartment when we bought the house. We are fixing it up as it was built in 1901. He is very handy and shows my son how to do everything as his dad can't. Kids love him. He's not perfect but he's a good man that has made mistakes and is trying to sort out the bull she put I his head from the good. She drove him to a nervous break down last year because her child support dropped as he has been out of the army for 4 years now and he was working at a private college. She told him she couldn't maintain her life style on such little money. She eats at fast food places 2-3 times a day the boys and her daughter says and lives in geared to income housing not claiming her boyfriend and threatens my hubby to say he pays her less child support. She hounded him continously day and night saying he has to pay what he was paying and pay for there family gym membership so the boys can swim and I forget what else. I lost it and stepped in and told him if he gives her what she wants we will lose our home. But left him to think on it as she still has him brain washed with bull and he sorted it out in his head and told her no. I asked him if he did it because I told him or because he knows it's right and he said because it's right. Sh took us to court and as far as we know is getting nothing more then the legal amount of child support she is in title too and now has to rotate Christmas mornings with us as she has wth held them for 7 years. She tried going after his pension but he had paid her an amount they agreed upon and he had proof so as fr as we know she isn't getting any. We paid top dollar for out lawyer thanks to a good friend. I try to get him to stand up to her but she is evil and manipulative. He has trouble with the stress she causes.
Sorry so long but there's just so much bull crap that he deals with yet still can make sure we are happy and as little drama we can comes through our front door. He was french when he joined the army and met her here and she worked on him from the start. She ony was with him because he made good money. People like her should be locked away.
Thank you again for you help and letting me vent about my life that is usually great but when it's not, it's way not! lol

nix66's picture

Oh and my set son's luekimia treatments are coming to an end in 10 weeks as long as he doesn't get sick. He relapsed 2 year ago and I swear it's becausebof the junk she feeds him. Mac Donalds isn't good or a healthy person what does sh think it's doing to her sick son?

nix66's picture

I'm not sure if I like all this negativity on here, people pick one bad thing and blow it out of proportion. I believe if people learn form there mistakes then they shouldn't be judged for it, if they don't then they are not mistakes then that is who they are. I am trying to make sure I'm doing what's right for my 5 kids and yes I consider them all my kids. I want them to grow up to people good kind honest people and I don't think that's a bad thing. My hubby is a good man and tries his best with what he has been given. Some people misread that he is a vet and has PTSD but still is able to put everyone else before himself. He spanked his daughter once not ever again and if some people read what was written the CAS worker said it wasn't abuse. HIs ex wife picks fights over him telling a good joke, or him trying to sleep when he worked all night and many more and still does it in front of the boys and her boy toy and threatens him if he tries to walk away. She is not a good person. As for my ex, he has been dealt and bad had of cards and has made many wrong choices but love his kids, maybe not the way I do but he does. As for his wife she is very selfish and doesn't even care about her own kids or that her husband is dying, she leaves him in a pig pen with her kids to watch yet he couldn't get out of bad 4 months ago and was given 3 months to live. When he got sick the first time I hardly left his side, I wanted the kids and I to get as many memories in just in case. My kids stand up for there rights as humans when she tells them they are useless. And behind there blacks tells her kids that she wishes my kids weren't in the picture. It's funny that she says these things and people take there SM's side yet no one else would say anything bad about either one of them.
Like I said I just want to know I did all I could for my kids, all 5 and that they turn out to live a good life of honesty and kindness and all the good things.
I guess I will wait it out and see if people actually read what I write.

Thank you again to all the good, kind and helpful advice.