I'm sorry you're feeling so down ((hugs))

I would suggest speaking with your husband and explaining just how bad things have gotten, that you're considering leaving.

First of all, I personally feel your therapist and friends are wrong. You are not the one that has to change. It is SD's behaviour that has to change. She sounds like a child that feels they have every right to be the ruler of the house!!! That is not a child's place. 

As far as I can understand, the only problem is SD's behaviour right? Apart from that, your relationship with husband is good? 

If so, then the only thing that needs to be done to fix the way you're feeling, is for your husband to start laying down the law with SD.

If he realises that his daughters behaviour might result in him having yet another ex, (you) and another child he sees for less time (9month old) then it might give him the kick up the ass he needs to get his kid to start showing some respect for others, and teaching her that this behaviour will not get her very far in the world.

If DH can do all the discipline it would make your life less stressful.. I personally get nervous in case SS reports back to BM and says I'm being mean to him, telling him what to do etc. So if DH can get a hold of her behaviour it might be easier on you..

Saying that, I don't think it'd be bad or wrong of you to start setting SD straight on a few things, I mean, if you yourself wanted to start trying some SD discipline, you could explain that you want her to grow up to have lots of friends and be happy, and it might be hard for her to do that if some of her behaviour carries on like this. (I dont know if that's good advice that's just what I personally would do lol!)

So to address your problems.. Ok I hope I don't sound condescending with parenting advice, I'm sure you must know all this already lol! But I'm gona just give examples of what would happen with child discipline in *our* house. My DH doesn't take any crap from SS! (and it's all DH, not me)

SD temper tantrum? DH needs to shut it down. DH: "SD, that is unacceptable behaviour, go have a time out in the corner until you're calm enough to be with the rest of us again"

SD telling you mean things BM said? DH: "SD, how would you feel if someone was telling you mean things someone said about you? Stop it immediately, we are NOT interested to hear nasty words like that"

Calls you mom/ mommy and you are not comfortable with it? You yourself have every right to say "SD, I am not your mommy, please call me bigal" 

All she eats is cereal? Set something else down in front of her to eat, and have DH explain that is the only thing on the menu. Take it or leave it.

All she wants to do is watch movies? Get some craft supplies or puzzles or other age appropriate past times, and have DH explain that from now on, she will only be allowed to watch one movie (or whatever you decide) each time she visits. Encourage other past times.

Always wants you to buy her things/ wants to know why you didn't get her something better.. "ok SD, if you're not happy with the gift, I won't bother getting anything else for you. If you can't learn to appreciate what you are given and be polite to say thankyou, then you won't get anything at all."

When you buy 9month old something she wants to know why you didn't get her something too.. I read something on here a while back that really made me see things differently, I think it was something like "SD, does BM buy things for you?" (answer would be yes) "that's because she is your mom, and moms buy things for their kids. I just bought for baby because I am the mom, just like you and BM."

and just to add my own lil bit, perhaps you could add "Maybe if you learn to be polite and appreciative of the gifts I get for you, I may start getting you gifts again. Maybe we can try that soon, and see how you do with saying thankyou"

Ok the sleeping in her own room/ on her own thing really gets to me, please don't say DH gives in to her and sleeps in her room with her?!! I really hope not! She wants to scream and cry all night for sleeping on her own? Let her do it! Get some of those ear plug things and just let her rip! She'll soon get bored if she knows she won't get her own way. DH needs to stay away and not give in to this. Children need to learn to sleep themselves, simple as that.

oh and the last thing you mentioned SD saying your baby is bad. I think this might be a result of BM telling her that? Otherwise it might be just pure jealousy or whatever.. But it might help to ask SD questions "why do you think baby is bad?" listen to response and try and figure it out to explain to SD that this is just a silly thought in her head and not actually true. 

I think this is a better way to go about it instead of simply saying "baby is NOT bad" because she'll think "um, yeh baby is bad" ..help her think through it and figure it out that baby is in fact lovely!

It is completely understandable that you feel you should be more patient and loving, but as you said, I don't think it's possible while your SD behaves like this.

The only thing that needs to happen to fix this, is for your DH to discipline SD. I hope with all my heart that he's willing to do this, in order not to lose you. x

I feel you; wish I didn't... hope everything turns out for the best. ((hugs))

It sounds like you're in an impossible situation and people telling you that you need to change is not going to help you one bit. Yes, she is only a child, but she sounds like a very troubled child with some serious issues which need addressing before she grows into a troubled teen and dysfunctional adult.

The behaviour you describe reminds me very much of my stepsons when they were small; violent tantrums, constant crying over nothing, strange eating habits, no manners and extreme attention seeking behaviour. I couldn't cope either and found myself constantly stressed, angry and resentful, and there were many times I wondered whether it was worth staying with the love of my life because of his unruly kids.

It was pretty obvious from the start that the kids' behaviour was caused by the upheaval in their lives of their parents splitting up and their bm dragging them halfway round the country to stay in various refuges and hostels. She didn't treat them very well, neglecting them and emotionally abusing them. After a lengthy court case, dh was given custody as the courts said bm wasn't fit to be a full time parent.

It sounds to me like your sd is going through something similar; the upheaval of her parents separating, having to cope with having two younger siblings in quick succession and, I should imagine, her bm not having much time and patience with her if she has two babies to look after. That's not your sd's fault, but it's not your fault either and it's up to the child's parents to correct this inappropriate behaviour. It will be much more difficult for you than it was for us to deal with her behaviour as we had the boys living with us full time, whereas your sd lives with bm and any positive work her dad does at your house over a short period of time will be undone when she goes back home to bm if there are different rules/no rules there. Eventually kids learn that there are different rules at different houses but it takes a long time, consistency and firm boundaries.

The first thing I would do is stop her getting her own way with the sleeping situation. It's going to be tough and your dh is going to have a few nights of disrupted sleep, but giving in to her is just reinforcing the message that tantrums pay and if she screams and cries for long enough she gets what she wants. He is her father and he has to enforce some firm rules and boundaries, whether she likes it or not. If you're worried about your baby's sleep being disturbed, why not ask a relative or friend to take him overnight, or even go too if you trust your dh to follow through. I would also not give in to tantrums - if she starts, dh needs to put her in her room without a word, no eye contact, if she tries to come out of the room, quietly and calmly put her back in there and carry on doing that until she stops. Let her scream and cry as much as she likes but do not give in. It's very hard and I used to go out of the house to get away from it when it got too much, and it used to take up to 2 hours with my ss's but my dh handled it great - no eye contact, no conversation, just sitting there calmly and putting them back in their room if they tried to get out. Then they had consequences, loss of their favourite TV programme or toy till they proved they could behave to earn it back, many planned trips and treats were cancelled due to bad behaviour and eventually they learned. They still did it during bm contact for years after because she allowed them to get away with it, but they knew it wouldn't work at home. If they did it while we were out somewhere, we just very calmly took them home, again no conversation or eye contact. There were many times that treats/outings were cut short because of bad behaviour. It was tough on the other ss who wasn't misbehaving, but that was just the way it had to be and it taught them both that tantrums were not acceptable wherever we might be at the time. They're much older now and are great kids, none of the previous problems and doing well at school, so the hard work when they were younger has definitely paid off.

Is the bm a reasonable sort? Do her and your dh have a civil enough relationship to discuss their daughter's problem behaviour? If they could come up with a plan for joint rules and consequences at both houses, it would work much better and the kid would have some consistency. It might be worth seeking a professional opinion, maybe a child psychologist.

As for whether you can tolerate the situation becuase of your love for dh, only you can decide that. Your therapist doesn't sound very helpful at all - it's not your fault that your sd behaves as she does and it's totally understandable that you're struggling to cope and feeling all kinds of emotions. Telling you that you need to change and she's only a child is the worst thing anyone could do. You have nothing to feel guilty about and I hope that people aren't trying to make you feel bad for not being able to tolerate the situation. The child has issues and that needs to change, for her own sake as well as everyone else's. It's her parents' responsibility to deal with it and unless they do, the future doesn't look very promising.

You don't need to change. Your husband needs to change the way he's parenting his daughter. Of course that easier said than done. I too have a husband who doesn't parent his 6 year old appropriately.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's hard enough having a young baby without dealing with all this step-crap as well.

It's good you reached out here. I get it, my SD did all those things at that age, and worse. I endured 7 years of visitation. It's a nightmare. Your SD like my SD is severely disturbed. I am of the opinion that if there isn't a loving consistent caretaker( usually mom, if she's alive and has any amount of custody) , the child will act out in a way that makes everyone's life a nightmare.

Aw, OP, this is a really rough time for you.

First, stop pressuring yourself to love your SD. Especially now that you have BD, you know you don't love SD.... and you don't have to.

Second, find alternate care as much as possible for SD. When your husband is home, he can be SD's full-time parent. Try to let him take care of things. If he sleeps in her bed, enjoy the big bed to yourself and catch up on your sleep.

Third, find *some* alternate care for BD. You need some time to yourself, to rest and recover. My own DD just turned 1 year, and she goes 2 afternoons per week to a babysitter. Sometimes I use the time to do housework, get organized, meal plan or something. Sometimes I sleep, or do yoga or go for a walk or listen to a meditation exercise. And sometimes I watch TV or read. But I need that downtime!