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Will it really change? part 2

grace8205's picture

I am not good at playing the waiting game, especially when I have been playing this stupid game that I don’t want to play for too long now. My DH made with list on the weekend obviously having some kind of feeling or vibe that I was about to lay the hammer down. So after our talk which was Saturday, skid (20) was away for the weekend and returned with his 17 year old girl friend just in time for Sunday dinner at the house which was his Nanny’s b-day dinner. So I understand that it is not the right time for DH to say anything.

Monday rolls around and not talk is done, skid was out all night, however I know with my own son I would text him and ask him to be home so we can talk, but DH has never done that ever.

Tuesday morning DH leaves on a business trip bright and early and doesn’t return home until late Wednesday night. So I do get it that there has not been a good time to talk to skid. Tonight I prepared to let DH know that it has to be done by Saturday or I will just do it myself and if it causes a hold bunch of tension in the house in the house the skid can leave and if he does not back me so can he.

I got home from work this evening and DH is pouting on the couch, normally he would come to the door and greet me but not tonight. So I knew something was up.
So I asked him why he seemed moody. I guessed skid texted him today with an issue with my post-it-note on my beer Fridge in the basement that said that the beer in the fridge is off limits and is only to be consumed by those who purchased it (FYI drinking age in our Province is 18). I placed the note on there Tuesday when I got home from work when he brought his friends in the door, and considering that his own dad was bitching about the beer disappearing on Saturday I thought I would do it then before the kids finished it off.

I guess skid had a issue with my post-it-note on my beer fridge. He texted his father and took a picture of the note (which DH already saw) and said it was “so rude” and “in my face”, then complained that he only had a beer when his Nana came over on Sunday. He forgot to mention stealing the 12 before that in his text, which my DH knew about before his text. Then skid went on to guilt trip DH that no one wants him there and that he will leave at the end of January. I am like good call him on his bluff, he has no money because he pisses it away and constantly volunteers to go home early from work.

Credit to my DH he gave it back to him via text. He said you constantly drink our beer saying you will replace it but never do. You say that you will keep your room clean and the bathroom you use clean but never do, you say will pay your own car insurance and cell phone bill but never do and told him it is time for him to grow up and be an adult.

DH feels so guilty, I don’t get but he does. It doesn’t help that his son says things like “no one wants me there” to pull on his heartstrings.
I remaindered DH that his kid is guilt tripping him, just like all the other times and he is relying on it to work once again. DH said to me that Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil would say that the pay off he receives from it is peace. I corrected him and said both of them would say your pay off is being able to take the easy way out. It is easy to give into your kid and do what he wants instead of standing up and discipline him which initially takes more work but pays off in the long run because they learn. He actually agreed with me.

Even brought up the fact that skid his 4 weeks behind on his winter tire payments to us, 2 payments of $212.50 per pay cheque and he has not made one. I guess skid got $500 in tickets from the police the other night so he can’t pay us, and the pay period before it was because he had to pay off his visa because he bought an $800 guitar. O told DH he needs to learn about money. Visa as his creditor would not care that he received $500 in tickets for driving like an asshole, they still want their payment, and us as his creditors are the same. He can take time out of his day to go to traffic court and ask for time to pay on those tickets to keep up with his financial obligations.

I also informed DH all the money we piss away on his kid the same is going in a savings account for my kid so he can go on a trip, which is a better way to piss it away. So know he knows it will cost double for now on, even transfer the funds in the amount of the winter tires that his skid owes to a separate account that he can see on mint (financial budgeting site) but he cannot access.

The kind of funny thing is, one of DH’s best friends just got engaged and is very whipped by his wife, can’t be late coming home, has to check with the fiancée, etc. and he makes comments about his balls being in her purse, I am so ready if DH backs down to ask him if his son keeps his balls in his pocket.

sandye21's picture

Good for you!!! I will bet once your DH starts seeing the money given to your DS he will back track. Catlettuce mentioned that ALL kids will try if if allowed. So true. But you do them no favors by enabling them. A good parent encourages their child to be a responsible adult.

AVR1962's picture

My husband did not want to talk to his sons about anything. He told me he was afraid that they would not want to have a relationship with him if he came down on them. Pretty sad that he felt he could not be a parent to his children without losing them but I think it is because he knew their temper. It's good your husband finally said something. It's time for his son to get out on his own and stop expecting you guys to hand him everything on a silver platter.

still learning's picture

My dh is/was the exact same way. It seems to be a common theme among divorced dads. They are the wallet full of fun and nothing more. Then both parents compete for the childrens affection and give them whatever they want. This is how we stepmom's end up with grown skid gimme's. DH is still paying alimony to BM, 15 years total. Still paying for ss30's phone, 7 years now. And everyone including his mother, sisters, sons, grands just expect more and more. We had a serious talk not to long ago when his money gifting put us into the red and we were now paying interest on a line of credit for everyone else. He sorta got it.

jam's picture

Your ss makes his problems dh's. In the past my skids would go into some excuse problem why they could not do what ever it was that they were suppose to do or some excuse to justify why they were walking all over us. I got were I would just flat out say "NOT MY PROBLEM! DON'T MAKE YOUR PROBLEM MINE!" There is a John Wayne movie "Big Jake" that we now use part of a quote from him and add our own spin to it. We would say, "Anything goes wrong, anything at all...your fault, my fault, nobody's fault, God's fault, doesn't matter, WE DON't CARE!

Sounds like you got a good plan. Really like your idea of placing matching funds into a separate account. Really smart idea.