You are here

Ready To Pack My .........

NoLaughingMadder's picture

This is my last resort before throwing in the towel. After being a widow for nearly 15 years I fell in love with a man who has 2 teenage sons. My kids are grown; I actually have g-kids nearly the same ages as his children. After 2 years of LDR, I packed up and relocated 700+ miles from my family to be with this man and share his life and family.
For reasons too crazy to fully explain here, at this time, the oldest child came to live with us. NO problem, the kid needed stability, guidance, and a 'safe' place to call home. After nearly 3 months, I am ready to throw up a white flag and go back to being single.
The child, nearly 17, has NO responsibilities and ZERO accountability for his actions. He was failing school and close to being thrown into a detention center for truancy. There were a set of rules to follow in this household: school work and attendance is priority. The endless hours on the Xbox were going to be moderated and we sought the assistance of a therapist to aid in the transition and the mental healthiness of this new arrangement.
Therapist said to implement a Behavior Modification Plan, Xbox time was to be earned by good grades, completing chores, and maintaining passing grades. Prior to the BMP, there was NO Xbox time and we lived thru a week+ of straight up temper tantrums, pleading, begging, crying, bargaining......much like a true drug addict. The BMP was drawn up, we sat and discussed it and I breathed a sigh of relief.... For the next 3 days, NOTHING was abided by-the BMP was NOT followed. For crying out loud, he could 'earn' 30 minutes of Xbox time for daily showering, teeth brushing, and setting his own alarm! His responsibilities to 'earn' Xbox time included doing homework, studying, bringing his dirty clothes to the laundry room, putting his clean clothes away, physical exercise, taking the trash to the curb once a week, taking recycling to curb once a week, and occasionally vacuuming, emptying dishwasher, helping his Dad cut/stack wood. Weekends were not included in the BMP and weekday Xbox time earned could be 3 hours DAILY.
6 weeks later this is how the 'household' is functioning:
Daddy gets him up in the morning, he bathes MAYBE once a week and that is usually because his father FINALLY smells how badly he stinks, the SAME bar of soap is in his bathroom, and the SAME tube of toothpaste is still being used. His Dad brings his laundry to the laundry room, buys him a 600.00 class ring, cleans his shower, picks up his food dishes from the table, and drives him to school because he refuses to ride the bus. Each day his Dad asks about homework, which 80% of the time, he is told one untruth after another about homework and for which there is ALWAYS a reason and/or excuse because the teacher is always wrong. His Dad goes online, calls him out nearly EVERY turn, and there is absolutely NO accountability for his actions. He spends nearly every waking hour inside this house on the Xbox. Of his main classes, he brings 2 F's up to D's and the D's he did have go down to F's.
Dad says I need to lighten up on him!!!!!!!! LIGHTEN UP??????????? If his sons life was any LIGHTER, we would be hearing, "Come wipe me" from the bathroom!
I am NOT talking about an 8 year old or even a 12 year old......I am talking about a child who, in 3 months will be 17!
The therapist referred us to a different counselor because, in her words, I cannot do this alone and Dad needs help being a parent. I have tried being nice, offering support, being understanding and now I am becoming someone mean, nasty, unhappy, and totally disgusted by his actions and his total inability to TAKE ACTION.
Last night: I asked for his laundry because we are supposed to go away for the weekend as a family. 4 hours later, no laundry brought out and I ask again. Dad says he will do it in the morning, I said, "No, we may oversleep, it may not be remembered, do it now and it WILL be done". This morning: No shower before school, tooth brushing, if at all, lasted 5 seconds and no laundry brought out to be washed.
I am at the end of my rope. I am ready to return to my hometown and allow this man to continue enabling this pattern of dysfunction......I see an adult child in my home with Dad still taking care of him.
We have an appt with a new therapist on Dec 29th. I wake up angrier and angrier each morning and Dec 29th, although less than 2 weeks away seems like an eternity.......... HELP

amber3902's picture

"The therapist referred us to a different counselor because, in her words, I cannot do this alone and Dad needs help being a parent."

I hope she means Dad needs to LEARN how to be a parent, which at this point I'm afraid that ship has sailed. This kid is 17, it's late now to try and change him or how Dad parents him for that matter.

"I am ready to return to my hometown and allow this man to continue enabling this pattern of dysfunction." Listen to your gut, it's usually right.

"I see an adult child in my home with Dad still taking care of him." and you would be right. I'm sure many women on here, with adult step children would agree with me.

You mentioned you had a LDR with him for two years and moved 700 miles to be with this man. Did you meet him online? Relationships that are created online are doomed for failure. You never get to see how this person is in REAL life, all you have to go on is what he says. You don't SEE his actions, how he parents, how he maintains his home, how he reacts when things go bad. Talking on the phone and emailing is a whole lot different from the day to day grind of every day life, as I'm sure you are finding out.

moeilijk's picture

Yeah, really. I met my DH online, we've been happily married for 6 years and have a 1 yo. I moved *way* more than 700 miles to be with him, learned a new language... and OUR marriage issues (when we have them) have nothing to do with the internet.

I think the whole "doomed to failure" bit is just old-fashioned. Used to be if you met someone at a dance club or a bar it was "doomed to failure". Before that it was if you met someone your parents didn't know.

ChiefGrownup's picture

I'm with you, notasm. Most of us are here because at some point we married or otherwise moved in with a man and then saw habits and patterns that fried our brains. Doesn't matter how you meet them, you don't know how the step thing is going to be until you are living in the home with the CHILD not with the man.

From what OP says, it sounds like things were fine until the skid moved in. Just like for the rest of us.

And, yes, DH and I met online. We did leave the digital world and go all 3D within days, though. Still no difference to the step thing. She could have lived across the street from her dh and not known how he'd parent until the boy actually moved in with HER.

steponmeagain's picture

Sorry to hear this. My SS19 is almost the same as you mentioned. It doesn't get any better and the older that they get, the worse is gets. If you are not happy now, you are not going to be happy next year or the year after or perhaps in 10 years when he is still living there.

bibleofdreams's picture

I think its good he can earn xbox time by doing self care.

you know who doesn't care for their own bodies? People who either think they aren't worth caring for, or people who were never properly taught. It is pretty rare for an emotionally healthy, non-neglected person to struggle with self care tasks. I am not saying feel bad for him, I am saying that knowing that may help alleviate some of the anger towards him for failing at these tasks consistently.

I am saying this as someone who is in a very similar boat with a 14 year old. We have to take away internet for her to do anything, and her chores are homework, laundry, clean room, teeth brushing, and showering. They aren't real chores but I gotta try to help her learn to do this stuff so she can get by later. It does stick eventually. It is absolutely frustrating as hell, but I realized after awhile I am mad at their biomom for not teaching them to begin with. I am cleaning up her mess but its not really the kid's fault. I took for granted how much my parents taught me. Its just about 1000x times harder to teach a teenager these things vs a school aged child.

I think the biggest problem with the BMP is the dad isn't helping. It should be 100% his job to implement the plan because its his son. You can remind him of things, but it should be between himself and the son. You shouldn't have to worry or involve yourself because trust me, it will only introduce tension.

Let the dad know you are thinking of leaving if he doesn't put his foot down. I guarantee it will serve as a wake up call.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I know where you are in all of this! Until dad steps up and does something, nothing will change. Time for a "come to Jesus" meeting with the hubby about what is going on in the house, and how you feel about the relationship at this point.

NoLaughingMadder's picture

Yes, the therapist said I cannot do it alone and his Dad needs to be a parent.
NO, we did not meet online. He travels for work, in the US and abroad. We met during a 4 month US job and then spent 1.5 years travelling the friendly skies for weekend and week plus visits both ways.

I have tried being understanding with both father and son; I realize there are emotional issues surrounding his lack of personal hygiene, which also may explain his lack of friends other than the ones who live in his Xbox.

BTW, Dad has had to cancel several trips abroad for which I know I am TOTALLY ill-equipped to be in charge of his day to day care. The FIRST thing that would go would be his Xbox, EXCEPT for the time which he EARNS.

I just can't seem to get through to Dad. I'm hoping to hold on until the 29th but while I am an eternal optimist, I'm really questioning WHY. It isn't as if one more appt is going to 'fix' things ohhhh but you should hear the lip service going on during the appt.

THANK YOU, everyone, I think I needed to hear from someone on the outside looking in

bibleofdreams's picture

I sometimes have to be in charge of my SD's "chores" when her dad isn't home. What I do is say "your dad asked me to make sure you did x, y, and z before you can have internet" or whatever. If she argues I say that I either have to explain to her dad why I didn't follow his instructions, or I have to get in a fight with my step daughter. I can't win, pick sides, or change the rules because I have nothing to do with DH's rules. Like I make it apparent that its between her and her dad, that I am a middle man so arguing with me will do nothing. She can argue with her dad later if she wants, but until then I am just following orders. It makes me a lot more calm to think of it this way too, because its not like "WHY WON'T YOU DO THE SIMPLE THINGS I ASK WOW IT ISN'T EVEN THAT HARD" its more like "my husband is going to have a lot of bullshit to deal with when he gets back home, sucks to be him". Dunno if that will work for you but that's how I manage it.

ChiefGrownup's picture

You know, I actually do the opposite. When I am alone with the skids I let them have no doubt who is in charge now. And DH tells them that, too. There's no "tattling" to daddy about what wicked ChiefGrownup did or said or made them do. He will back me up and skids know it so they typically don't bother. Well, the whining is unstoppable but the tattling with a realistic hope of relief is pretty non-existent.

When SD was 14 I had both skids for two full days. I put up a chart of the daily schedule, including chores, meals, fun things, outings, and when dad gets home. She put up a fuss for the first 20 minutes. Then she got with the program and actually gave no one any more trouble whatsoever for the full four days we then had them.

I truly believe it was because the kid desperately needs limits and she became happier and functioning when I imposed them. The effect lasted even after dad got home and took the reins on the weekend.

I emphasized this to DH, but somehow him learning how to do it himself is a very long task.

I do have the other skid, ss13, alone for several hours each week. I'm the drill sergeant and he is doing better in school because of it, everyone says so. I also have lots of fun with him and he adores me.

Won't be popular here, but my advice is give it a chance. Let dad go on his trips -- you take over. You tell the boy AND the dad if necessary, this is MY house and this is the way it's done here. Hopefully the kid will progress and get into some good habits. My ss13 has. Lots of good habits thanks to me. (Even sd15 has picked up some good ones from me in spite of her hatred) Life is more livable for all of us but a long road to go.

16 nearly 17 is pretty late in the game and you may fail. But you will certainly fail if you don't try it.

NoLaughingMadder's picture

Yes, we are in the process of delving into the causes of these issues. I know high school can be tough of some kids and if a kid stinks then there are bound to be comments, downright cruel but true comments and who wants to have a conversation with someone whose breath smells as if they've just eaten a turd? He was diagnosed with ADHD or maybe just ADD and is now on a different med. The first therapist nixed his bullshit speech when he started to list the side effect complaints. Finding a psychotherapist who is taking new patients has also been an issue. The referring therapist saw thru the SS bullshit and knew to refer us to someone else who was going to see thru his bullshit too. Unfortunately, the first therapist is unable to keep him as a patient.

"At this point, I would probably consider sitting him down each day to help him with his homework to ensure he graduates. If that doesn't work, I would consider doing the kid's homework FOR him so he isn't my liability for another year. He'd at least be able to get a job and rent a room somewhere." Sounds to me like a temporary solution; he'd graduate, get a job, and be fired b4 the first shift ended.... but it's tempting

Notacelebration's picture

It won't get better. SD will 17 in a few months. Lives with us full time. DH is a Disney dad. Gives her money all the time. Does all he can to keep her happy. She has no responsibilities, no respect for others, she puts zero effort into the few and far between, chores her dad gives her. She only showers if she leaving the house. Needless to say, the house smells like a guys locker room all summer long. She does not use toilet paper, or flush the toilet, even when at someone else's house. No consequences for her actions. If she gets mad enough, she will break things, and daddy makes excuses for her. DH doesn't check her internet usage. He has actually told me, he doesn't want to know everything she does. She is doing alright in school, but always does in the beginning of the year. She lies as she breaths, and is beyond lazy.
I now see my DH as a total fool. My respect for him is nearly all gone. He is his daughters puppet. Only her feelings matter, it's like he married to HER, not me.
She is feeding her dad talk about college, because it makes him happy. There is no way on this earth that she can pull off college. She is too lazy to put the time and effort into it. He's got to know there's no hope. In the meantime, she hasn't learned a thing about being responsible.
I have disengaged, but would love to remove myself from the whole situation. I don't think it would bother him at all, as long as it makes his princess happy.
You are far from your family, that's got to be hard. I have mine close by, and that's the only happiness I have. If I were you, I'd go back home. Enjoy your life. If it weren't for my escapes to spend time with my sons, I'd have been long gone by now. I'm doing a lot of thinking, and my biggest wish is that DH mans up, and parents his child, or that she meets some guy, and decides to go. If neither one happens soon, I've been looking into other options. This is not the way I want to live my life.
My DH has done his best to try to make me see I'm wrong, and that his daughter is just fine. I know I'm not wrong. I've worked with kids my whole life. He once told me I should write a book about raising kids. Now, suddenly, I don't know what I'm talking about. His feelings have changed, and sadly, so have mine.
Go make your life happy again.

NoLaughingMadder's picture

Red screen lol I've thought of doing some of the exact things! His Dad did remove his Xbox once, for about a week and I really thought we were dealing with a drug addict. The pleading, begging, bargaining, crying, pleading, begging, sobbing, bargaining... SS is extremely adept at manipulation, a learned behavior with years of perfecting his art of deception. If only I were confident his Dad wouldn't rush out to buy a new XBox One. Disney Dad. I thought I coined that phrase! I know Dad is in new territory too and I'm trying, have been trying since Day 1. Just hearing that I am not a lunatic who is just a mean bitch, expecting the impossible gave a few breaths of relief to hold on til the 29th...maybe

I shared this forum with him, my initial post and the first several comments. He's been pretty silent since and the house is quiet except for the SS communicating with the Zombies inside his XBox.

ChiefGrownup's picture

I'm glad you have the kind of relationship you felt you could share the thread with him. That tells me there's hope for you two. My husband and I have come on a journey together -- it has been hard for all of us but at the end of the day it has made a better and deeper and happier marriage and life for DH and I. And the skids.

I'm going to address your husband directly now.

Mr. NoLaughingMadder,

We know you love your boy. You being the kind of man who loves his children probably had something to do with NLM herself falling in love with you. Your son is that tiny baby you once looked at it in wonder and that toddler who first called you "daddy." You still see that when you look at him now.

But, my friend, you have to understand that this boy has to function in a world that is larger than your fatherly embrace. Much, much, much larger. It is doing the boy no favor to allow him to develop none of the skills he needs to go out and conquer the world -- the way you did yourself when you were a very young man emerging from childhood.

It sounds like you have a pretty impressive job. Imagine hiring someone off the street and giving them no training in the particular skills of your company whatsoever. Don't even tell the employee what product you deal in or the fee schedule or where to park. Exactly how far do you think this employee will get?

Your child's "job" is to become an adult who can take care of himself (and eventually others) in the big wide world, populated by not a single person who thinks of him as a sweet and precious infant. They will only see what is right in front of them.

It is the parents' job to teach the kid the skills, tell him the product, the parking lot, the relevant OSHA regs, etc. Sir, at the moment, your performance evaluation as a trainer is not looking good. "A" for effort and intentions, but results are speaking for themselves. It is absolutely up to you to get this boy into some good habits so that he can take off the training wheels (parental assistance) one day and fly. Right now he is headed for a muddy ditch.

You can do it. You really can. Your boy needs you to figure it out. He really does.

It is also your job to be a good partner and do your part to make a happy home with your partner. Believe me, sir, if the situation were reversed, you would be on here yourself and figuring out what to do to with the groomed for failure stepkid in your home. You would not want to live with a teen boy or girl who fits the description we've been given. And it would make the partner look less magically lovable to you, too.

Be dead honest with the counselor you see on the 29th. Tell him/her that you're afraid to change the way things have been done all these years and you don't really know how. Let the counselor help.

Keep reminding yourself that the boy needs wings, not a shackle. The X-box is the shackle. The rules, habits, and expectations become accomplishments and so they are the wings. Picture your boy doing so much better than he's doing now. Then start aiming for that.

Best wishes to you.

NoLaughingMadder's picture

I could deal with a weekend business trip. SS KNOWS that I do not play the same game as he and his Dad play. He used to run his bullshit schemes past me before approaching his Dad. Now he goes directly to his Dad or just repeatedly yells his name from his bedroom. The problem is that his Dad goes away for 45-60 days at a time and is often out of the country. I flat out refused to be the caregiver during his absence although the thought has occurred to me to bite my tongue and swallow the bullshit til Dad's plane leaves the runway. In 30 days time, Dad would return to a changed household for damn sure BUT it would revert to the same ole crap, UNLESS Dad changes. The boy is NOT a BAD kid with respect to being a hood rat and having the police at our door. I am VERY thankful that he hasn't gotten into drugs but I feel it's just a matter of time before SOMEONE pays enough attention to him and 'grooms' him to be their bitch.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Man, if I had 60 days alone with SD15 I honestly feel it would be a brand new world when DH got home. Once DH got home I would tell him in no uncertain terms DO NOT SCREW THIS UP. You would have to let your partner know when he got back that it took hard work on your part and you desperately need him to support you. Then do not let him screw it up! Intervene when the two start slipping back into old habits and make your dh understand how critical this is to the success of your marriage cuz you can't live the old way ever again.

nuanger's picture

hi, just read your post, you sound a lot like me, so does your stepson and my partners son.. he is nearly 17, totaly dysfunctional and out of control and also, along with his mom has people round here for "family therapy" he also has been kicked out of school and hardly ever attends college, and yes, his mum gets up early every morning to try to get him up and out..most o the time he just stays in bed till late then he is on the xbox rest of day.. he swears at his mom and has no respect for nobody, i cant stand been in same room as him, and thats just one of her kids, their are 2 more of her lads at home just as bad!!

i too am at the end of my wits and i am going to leave soon as i can, three years now i have put up with it, hoping it will change, but it hasnt, i use to be a happy upbeat guy, but now i am miserable all the time and no longer laugh or feel good, it has dragged me right down.. it wont get any better, you will just go crazy with the tension, anger and built up emotion and stress..it will do you no good health wise, my advice is leave, even though, like me, you love your other half, for your own good and well beign you need to find calm again in your life...

NoLaughingMadder's picture

UPDATE: 5 weeks later. After many countless heated discussions, sleepness nights, XBox battles, and therapy sessions, I am hopeful. Dad reached his 'limit' and the XBox was taken away, with, at the moment, NO expectations of a return. I discovered the following: As the marriage of his parents was crumbling, he retreated into his XBox. The worse the marriage and pending separation/divorce became, the more he retreated. The process took 3 years. 3 years of using the XBox to de-stress, 3 years of avoidance. Once the divorce was final, the ex-wife unleashed her wrath on sson. She IS mentally ill, suffers from narcissism and BPD(borderline personality disorder)-undiagnosed because, afterall there is NOTHING wrong with her, it's everyone else who is screwed up! It all came to light when sson was having a major meltdown(yet again) over his XBox. I overheard a conversation between he and his mother to which she replied,"I know he's an asshole, that's why I divorced him." Subsequent communication between sson and mother: pleading with her to come get him, saying he was going to call the police cuz he needed someone to talk to, he was gonna go nuts, he didn't want to live anymore. Her response was to inundate her ex with phone calls and texts berating him and making in clear that he needs to deal with it because she cannot deal with anymore stress. NO mention of the self-harm comments. Dad reached a point where he told sson to pack his shit and he would take him back to his mother's. Sson insisted on Dad giving him XBox and Dad stuck with,"Pack your shit and when I drop you off, you can have your XBox". Sson DID NOT start packing... Lightbulb moment for me! The next day when shit got deep again, sson mentioned hurting himself and Dad contacted one of his therapists which culminated in sson voluntarily being admitted for observation and evaluation. Sson has a tough road ahead of him with regards to his addiction and re-learning coping tools and communication skills BUT he has me and his dad to weather the storm WITH him. In the aftermath of the hospitalization here is what the mother had to say:

How could you do this to ME?
I can't believe you took him from ME
I can't believe you let them take him......

She sent many, many, many really bizarre texts- mean, nasty, delusional-which is SOOOOO damn dumb of her! She showed up in our driveway, twice, uninvited and although I am the legal caretaker in his father's absence, she announced her visit was none of my business yet, she screamed and screamed for the entire neighborhood to hear. The ball is rolling and her exposure to further hurt her son will soon come to an end. Until SHE hits 'rock bottom', she will continue to live in her fantasy world where everyone else is responsible for her problems. I am thankful I had the gonads and the ability to stand up and FIGHT for sson when the other 2 adults in his life couldn't and wouldn't. I am NOT delusional! I KNOW there will be more dark days ahead of us, more tears, and more drama BUT the 3 of us WILL persevere and together we will get through this.

I can't say the rest of you will have a positive outcome however, in stepping back and delving into the reasons behind the amount of time spent on the XBox, and the underlying issues, we are able to begin putting the pieces back together.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Wow! Glad to hear you and your DH got to the root of the matter. What a revelation; what a nightmare! You certainly have a long road ahead, but hopefully it will be the road to a brighter future. {{{HUGS}}}