Here we go again... Help!
Hi all. I'm a new member and this is my first, post, but I'm sooooo glad I found this forum because I feel so much less alone after reading all of your stories!
A bit of background on me... Spend most of my early years having a great career, then met and married my husband when I was 36 and he was 49. He had two daughter from his first marriage, aged 18 and 25 at that time. Four years later, now living in his country, I finally get pregnant, and his daughters start crying and carrying on because somehow my pregnancy is not fair to them! The younger one, now age 22, stops speaking to us for months. Unfortunately, in my second trimester I lose the baby tragically due to a genetic abnormality. DH asks me to cook Mother's Day lunch a month later because "you're the only one who's not a mother!" Without knowing it, this is where I probably slip into depression... Three months later and I'm pregnant again, but DH asks me not to tell the skids for fear of their reaction. At a couple of months along I lose this one to miscarriage, and slip further into depression. Long story short, DH has no idea how to be supportive, so leaves me alone more and more, spends more time with the skids, and our marriage disintegrates. We seperate.
Now years later, I'm seeing a younger man. He has a 5yo daughter with his ex, but they live in another state, so although he has weekly phone calls, he tells me that he has no expectation of ever being a big part of her life. After some ups and downs, we're making plans to move in together, with me supporting him to give him time to build up some businesses he's been working on. Things look good.
Then last month he tells me suddenly that the ex has moved to a nearby town, and he's been in negotiations with her for about 6 months to make arrangements for him to visit his daughter. I'm pissed to just be finding out about this after is a done deal, but he tells me that he'll visit her one afternoon a month, so I figure it won't have a major inpact on my life. We move on. Then this past weekend he shows up with her at my house on Saturday, without notice. Being a chatty 5yo she tells me that she's having a sleepover with daddy. So I ask a few questions... seems she's seeing him every other weekend and sleeping over, not just for the afternoon. Because I'm not a mean person I help him with her for the day, and he starts talking about all the other things we can do together for future visits.
Next day I inform him that I have never agreed to be SM to his kid, the last I knew she would have no major part of my life, and very little of his, and I don't appreciate being ambushed like this. I certainly want to reconsider our future, where I was going to support him, if that means I also have to take care of his kid! Remember, I've lost two of my own and have never really recovered from that. I'm the one who had two such selfish SDs with my ex. I've told him I would like to use donor eggs and try for one of my own still, but he informs me he "hates kids" but then goes out of his way to get more time with his daughter and expects me to help him with her!!!
Whew! So sorry for the rant! Does anyone have any great advice? This guy feels so right when it's just us, and talking about our future, but I certainly didn't bargain for this! He tells me that I knew he had a kid so must have known this was a possibility, but he had told me before that he would never see much of her.
I'm hurt, I'm confused, and I could really use some advice if anyone has some to give... 
"This guy feels so right when
"This guy feels so right when it's just us, and talking about our future, but I certainly didn't bargain for this! He tells me that I knew he had a kid so must have known this was a possibility, but he had told me before that he would never see much of her."
Im so sorry you are experiencing this...its a classic move...the old bait and switch!!
By the sound of it, he has been grooming you for a while now so you accept his daughter as part of his package deal AND he did it dishonestly by going behind your back too!
My main concern? He tells you that he hates kids and therefore doesn't want any more but expects you to help him parent his. He isn't much better than the first man you were with IMHO!
Sorry, I would be hurt too, but he is only thinking of himself and has not even given your thoughts, feelings and considerations any thought what so ever.
Do you want to commit to a man like that who has shown you clearly the sort of person he is this early on????? He sounds like a royal douche bag!!
Wow. Thanks for the
Wow. Thanks for the straightforward answers. I'm the kind of person who tries to see the best in everyone (maybe too idealistic) and have been telling myself that he's just a bad communicator... you're all really making me rethink this (and that's a very good thing)!
By the way it's been 7 years since my miscarriages, and I've seen many counsellors. Unfortunately I live in a secondary city in Australia and they're all crap. One even told me that I "must have subconsciously chosen not to have children!" :jawdrop:
Re: miscarriages ... the
Re: miscarriages ... the grief can come back around at the weirdest times.
My miscarriages were in the 1990's. Last year I had some DNA testing and discovered that my body cannot process vitamins B6/B12. It doesn't matter how many leafy greens I'd eat or how many prenatal vitamins ...it's a genetic thing. my body can't process these important vitamins which are linked to MISCARRIAGES. I became pissed off. A 51 year old, menopausal woman and I was angry that the doctors were finally telling me why I lost those babies. I grieved once more for the lost babies, the lost years, the lost hopes and dreams ...
I am sorry for your losses. They do shape the women we are today.
Yeah, you got it ... your counselors were crap. }:) }:)
Also by the way, I've been
Also by the way, I've been with this guy for 4 years now. His interaction with his daughter has been limited to a phone call once a week until just recently.
No, it's not that he's a bad
No, it's not that he's a bad communicator, it's just that he is a manipulator. And a liar and a user.
Next thing you know, the BM will leave the kid with him to go live her life and he will expect you to take care of her full time.
He was talking to his ex for
He was talking to his ex for 6 months about seeing his child and he didn't think to mention it to you once? No. That is too big a thing to keep from one's "partner." Quotes there on purpose because his behavior doesn't indicate that he sees you as his equal, a true partner. He's going to do what he wants to do (not tell you about spending time with his daughter) while ignoring or belittling the things you want to do (have a child of your own.)
And he is not what I would want in a life relationship. Yes, it must hurt. But you've learned something.
You say that its feels so
You say that its feels so right when its just the two of you but the reality is that it isn't just the two of you. He has a 5 year old daughter. He set you up plain and simple. Then to top it all off he tells you that he hates kids (but btw heres my daughter, help me take care of her). All I can see is that he is pulling you in and then once he's gotten you to make a commitment financial or otherwise so that you can't leave, he is going to throw his parenting responsibility all on you. He's going to be the Disney Dad half of these posters complain about! Not to mention what about BM?! If he isn't being completely honest with you about this relationship with his daughter and how often he is seeing then how do you know anything about BM? I feel like you should run. He was a good rebound from your Ex but you JUST got out of Stephell and you were enjoying your life dating a man that didn't have kids.
Ouch !!!! I am so sorry.
Ouch !!!! I am so sorry. There's a saying I often see of this board... When people tell you who they are, believe them. He's telling you he hides, lies, and manipulates. Take time - rethink - Most importantly do not move forward. I am especially concerned by .."I certainly want to reconsider our future, where I was going to support him..." I think he's setting you up. Please be careful & take care of you.
Hmmm. Thank you all for your
Hmmm. Thank you all for your words of advice and warning, and particularly to those of you who really understand the emotions involved.
But I would like to point out that I've made significant mistakes myself in my relationships with both men, and that in both cases, I do honestly believe that they have hurt me through carelessness and lack of understanding (and possibly thought), not maliciously. Having said that, most of you will still call me gullible and say I'm making excuses. That's ok, I know how it all sounds. I also know that I know the details of the situation better then anyone.
I don't know what I'll do about all of this, but I know I'll take my time and think carefully. I can't let myself be hurt again. Thanks again.
Please please do not support
Please please do not support him. He is so using you to...
1 Take care of him while he does what ever the hell he wants to do.
2 Take care of his kid because he does't want to.
He's already...
1 Lied to you about what part the kid plays in his life.
2 Lied to you about talking with his ex.
3 Basically told you that your dreams of having a kid are over because he says so but hey I got a fill in for you while I sit on my ass and do what I want.
This isn't a good man, it isn't a man at all. Find a keeper, he's not it.
Thank you GoAwayPlz and
Thank you GoAwayPlz and Saffon, you're exactly right. I came here because I've got a lot to consider and no one in a similar situation that I could discuss this with. I asked for advice from people who had been there before. I never promised to take that advice. With all due respect for your collective experiences, you are strangers to me, and can never, in a post, convey all the complexities of my situation. You've given me new things to consider and new perspectives, which is all I asked for, and that is VERY much appreciated. I will follow no one's advice blindly.
Echo, f*ck you.
When you are able to work out
When you are able to work out what your bottom line is, I think the decision to stay or go becomes a bit easier.
No doubt you are asking yourself now whats important to you as Im a HUGE believer in the fact that "love isn't enough".
Do you want kids of your own?
Are you prepared to be a FT step mother to his little girl instead?
Are you prepared to prop up and support your partner financially, without the commitment of him being your husband, knowing that he can build up his business then if tired of how things are, can leave without any financial consequences (but you are out of pocket)?
Are you ok with your partner not wanting to contribute equally to the relationship whilst he builds up his business?
Have you given it any considerations of what you are bringing to this relationship vs what he is bringing to it at the same time?
Have you two discussed the financial details of what it means whilst you support him and what happens if you lose your job?
Have you two discussed the reality of what it will look like when SD lives with you both, and what your role will be?
All these questions and more I feel need to be asked before any major decision is made by both parties. You owe it to yourself to go in to this with both eyes open and not be swayed by you love for him as Im sure all couples who divorced were madly in love at one stage as well.
Good luck
Hm. I'm new to this forum
Hm.
I'm new to this forum and I'm quickly realizing I am in a major minority with my views.
My view on marriages and family is different than most. My husband and I will both, always, put our families before our marriage. We're on the same page about it and we know it. With that said, as a step parent, if I was causing a rift between a child and their bio dad, I would step back and be the one to either fix it if possible, or leave the relationship. Yes, maybe that child is a manipulator, and maybe it will take the bio-parent a few failed relationships to figure that out, but I am damn well not going to be the one to come between a parent and a child.
With that said, I say kudos to this guy for wanting to be part of his girl's life! Go him! Right there redeems a lot of what he did, to me at least. Yeah he kept it hush hush, but he probably wasn't sure about everything, and was scared to tell you. Not the greatest decision, but it doesn't make him a terrible guy.
If this were me, I would embrace the fact that I now have a five year old beautiful little creature in my life, and that it's at an early age where she will grow up with you there and as a mother figure.
If you absolutely do not want to be a mother figure, then I think it would be time to end things. But I'll tell you what. I wouldn't trade my step kids for anything in the world. I think it's worth a shot!
Though I have relished being
Though I have relished being my SS-22's only REAL dad since his mom and started dating when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo I do not agree with the premise that the equity life partners in a marriage put anyone or anything before their marriage. IMHO the marriage has to be the top and only priority for both parthers. However, kids can certainly be the top responsibility for the partners.
Only the marriage can and should be the top priority.
IMHO of course.
I'm so very sorry that you
I'm so very sorry that you are going through this.
Stay strong.
I think that with your
I think that with your feelings you need to move on and find a partner who has not yet spawned with anyone or maybe even better yet .... consider being a parent sans partner. Find an egg donor, go to a sperm bank for an anonymous donation (be selective and choose from a donor list of educated successful candidates to minimize any shallow and polluted gene pool candidates) and do not risk saddling yourself or your child with a blended family nightmare.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
You're looking for a life
You're looking for a life long partner while he's looking for a cash cow that he gets to have sex with. More than likely BM knows you are their meal ticket. Since you're willing to support him, that frees up the money he earns to hand over to SM and spoil SD.
Once his business is off the ground (thanks to your financial backing), the three of them will have even more money rolling in.
Could you move into your own
Could you move into your own place, while continuing to see him? I would not want any part of playing SM to a five-year-old EOW, but that's just me. Or can you make Every Other Weekend a "girls' weekend," and make plans with your friends, family, etc? I would let him be the parent to his daughter, as it should be.