Brought the hammer down. Are we wrong?
Will try to keep this as brief as possible. New to the forum and have never posted. Have been married to my husband for 21 years. His children were 5 and 3 when we got married. They are now 26 and 24. We have 2 daughters together, ages 19 and 10. Throughout their childhood, my husband and I had every other weekend, all holidays and every summer for 12 weeks with them. As with any family, there were the usual stepparent/stepchild issues and as expected was challenging during the teen years. However, nothing compares to these adult years where I feel at times that my husband and I 'wasted' good quality years on children that have little to no concern for us.
Last May, my husband suffered a massive heart attack at the age of 46. It happened at home with my 10 year old and myself. Being certified in CPR/First Aid, I had to administer CPR on my husband until the EMT's arrived. He was 'flatlined' for 30 minutes while still at home. Life flighted and coding 2 more times at the hospital, my husband was put on life support machines until he was stablized. I sent our then 18 year old and 10year old home later that night as there was nothing for them to do and my 18 year old was to graduate from highschool the next day. My stepchildren chose to leave at the same time and what shocked me was that they left to go spend the evening and night at their mothers house. Their father had basically 'died' that day and may not make it thru the night and they chose to leave and stay with their mother. Seven months later, and that fact still angers and hurts me. By the grace of God and a pure miracle, my husband lived with no life altering complications. Over the past 7 months, both my stepchildren have never once called or asked how we 'as a family' are doing. I know I have suffered a bit of post tramatic stress from the incident as well as our 10 year old who was there that day. Not once has my ADULT stepchildren offered to help in ANY way, not the day of the heart attack, nor any day after. There was/nor have ever been a single "thank you" for helping their father, for attempting/and did help save his life. There is no concern or questions to us of what medications hes on or how hes doing. Its as if that day never happened in their lives.
I have emotionally cut them off, as they have proved to me where I, as well as their sisters, stand in their lives had their father died. My husband sees this as well and I know it hurts him. We spent many, many years raising and helping these children, but now see that all those years were a waste of time. They show no love, concern for anyone's well being but their own. They call when "they" have something to tell us in their lives, but never "ask" about ours or how dad is doing.
This year, we did not have a Thanksgiving with them. Nor do we plan to have a Christmas with them. We have chosen to only purchase gifts for the one grandchild and will drop off at their house, as we were not part of grandchild birthday celebration last week. It hurts, but it hurts more to be around them when they show they don't care. Sorry for the long post. Feels good to let it out though. Thanks for reading.
I am so sorry about your
I am so sorry about your husband and am glad he is okay.
My DH suffered a heart attack at 47, though not as severe. His daughters, 18 & 22 at the time, did not even believe he had a heart attack so showed no real concern. Because, ya know, we would lie about that.
The oldest is completely estranged, which started many, many years ago and although my DH has always held out hope that they would have a relationship, she is just a bitch. He finally realized that she just simply does not care about him AT ALL. She only cared about what we would do for her.
My DH talks to the younger one on the phone quite often but we do not see her or her kids very often. I do believe she loves him but has been a bit brainwashed by her mother and lies and tries to manipulate him, so my DH keeps her at arms length, emotionally.
Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself the best that you can.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate ALL of them. I have several times over the past several months asked for both stepkids to sit down with me so I can really explain what happened on that horrible day, as I know they both dont know because they have never asked. I have gotten no response or they change the subject. I totally agree that they do not know what to say, or how to handle life changing situations. We have always been there to help them with anything, with death of grandparents, fall outs with their mother, heartbreaks and so on. They have even come to live with us when mom was 'not what they wanted in their lives' at the time. I also agree they are more comfortable with their mother,and I accept that fact. I struggle with them wanting to engage in 'family' at THEIR convenience. I agree that they are still young, and hoping one day we all can understand each other. Thank you!
I just want to say...I grew
I just want to say...I grew up in an intact family and my mom and sister can't stand each other. I don't like my sister much, either. So I think this stuff happens in "normal" families and you never know why sometimes. A lot of people judge others' actions with no clue of what's going on with them. Even if you did everything right it doesn't guarantee everyone will like you, even if it's your own kids. People are generally selfish,...until they aren't. Skids aren't there yet. I'm 43 and still growing. You need to give them time to heal (if necessary) and get their heads out of their butts. But I would ask them why they responded this way. It would be a good start.
Thanks ALL!! I am even
I agree with this, as well as
I agree with this, as well as what all StepAside has been commenting through this thread.
I lost my father (age 55) totally out of the blue to a massive heart attack when I was just shy of 30yrs old. My family was an intact family, but had it not been , yes I would have went 'home' meaning to my mother's. The only other person in my world (besides hubby) who would have been able to console me and help me through the loss of my father...where I was comfortable, had a sense of 'home'.
I'd also add to your post the double standard. OP's own children were told to go home, there was nothing they could do. Yet the skids are getting the 'hammer' tossed down on them for also leaving at that time.
My jaw also dropped when I just read the additional comment from OP about how she has tried to get the skids to come talk to her and allow her to explain to them how horrible that day was and exactly what happened. I'm sorry be if there is something the father feels needs to be said to and/or explained to these skids, it should be him doing it. I would not handle well be summoned by a SM to tell me or to set me straight on any details. My father speaks (well he did) when he felt a discussion needed to take place. My father never had any problems speaking for himself and the conversation was between father and daughter. In the OP's case, if this father had a strong solid relationship with his children there should be no reason Dad and the skids can't sit down and discuss Dad/their roles in what happened and what has gone wrong in their relationship since the heart attack. This man is cutting his kids out without ever even discussing this issue with them...do they even know why Dad is closing the door. And no, not OP discussing and telling them this or that. again, if my father and I had an issue, we talked about it. Not my mother. My father and I.
Well Im nearly 50 and the
Well Im nearly 50 and the death of my step father (and the events that lead up and after) coupled with my divorce in 2010, has meant that Ive literally taken 100 steps backwards from my family as a result. They tell me Im the one who has changed and yes, I have,....but Ive changed because I now have boundaries and will not allow my mother, sister and half brother, to tell me how to live my life, or accept their critical judgement anymore.
My mother dosent call me anymore (we live interstate) and when I call, I get told off for not contacting her more often and not telling me whats going on in my life anymore...BTW, she never asks questions or makes genuine enquiires out of compassion, its just so she can make judgmental comments and then to tell my sister and half brother how bad my life is. Im sure she loves me in her own way, but hates the way I can not be controlled any more and now Im the black sheep in the family.
Whats my story got to do with all this? The fact that you both EXPECT your skids to act in a mature and grown up manner, when you both aren't able to genuinely enquire in a compassionate and considerate (non judgmental) way, may be "encouraging" your skids to be taking 100 steps backwards.
My mother and siblings see nothing wrong in their behaviour leading up to the death of my step father....and all the fallout that has happened since is now seen as my fault...and not ONCE has anyone had the authenticity to be able to talk about the elephant in the room since it all took place.
One poster said, sometimes people don't want to talk about it because it hurts...definitely hence Im not raising it as I will only be shot down by them anyway. Its always been my job to be the nice one, to apologise, to wear the blame for others...NOPE..not anymore and I will be buggered if it has to be me too who has to talk to them about why I feel the way I feel!!!
The fact your DH hasn't wanted to broach the subject with his kids is telling. Its not your place to do it. And now he is "blaming" his kids for "not caring". Its easier to blame isn't it as it dosnet require personal accountability.....like my mother and my siblings. Not once has any of them made an enquiry into why I pulled away. So who knows why yours have pulled away?? And you will never know unless you ask from a place of compassion not judgement.
Many of the posters here have
Many of the posters here have written about expectations and communication, and it seems like that is the problem. I'm wondering if the skids were expecting you to communicate DH's status to them as you had more contact with him. So you might have expected the same thing out of them that they were expecting of you. You were quite involved with them in childhood and teen years. How did you relate to each other prior to DH's heart attack?
While I can understand that
While I can understand that the skids went home to their BM the night of your DH's heart attack, I definitely wouldn't tolerate their apparent disinterest in their dad's health after the heart attack. Since they're in their mid-twenties, they're old enough to know that life can be fragile and fleeting. They're also old enough to know how to pick up a phone or send an email. Shame on them. It's not your job to give them updates. If they want updates, they should come to you and your DH for them.
Perhaps they do feel alienated, but you know what? Tough. If they truly love their Dad, they will be there for him regardless. Ultimately life isn't about tallying up who hurt who and how much, it's about being there for your loved ones when they really need you. Pretty sure death isn't going to wait for all those poor little CODs to come to terms with the fact that their parents divorced 20+ years ago.
And I hope that once your skids realize this, they make an effort to reconnect. And as much as it might pain you, you should let them because not everyone does the right thing initially.
Btw, I'm glad to hear that your DH is doing well.
Ya, on second thought, they
Ya, on second thought, they SHOULD have at least tried to contact DH if they hadn't heard any news for a few days.
To me the fact that these
To me the fact that these steps never contacted their father for all that time speaks volumes. When people, parents matter children - adults - will be quite upset and worried about them.
You are smart to just let them go as though they don't exist. It is called disengaging. And while it makes life easier, it doesn't totally solve the problem as you still will have to deal with them.
I agree that when and if they make an effort reconnect you should let them. Being human not everyone does things right. It will be hard, but let them.
I have been the one to
I have been the one to 'disengage' with my stepchildren. My husband has not. But he sure has taken a step back after experiencing a lack of compassion with HIS children. He HAS tried to talk to them about his health and encourages them to come around. He tells me they instantly change the subject and move on to something else, so he does as well to avoid any more awkwardness. He is hurt and I understand that hurt, but I AGREE that he needs to be the one to confront them with issues of why he's hurt or why I am hurt.
To clarify, I sent my other two children, then ages 18 and 10, home that night because I felt it best (at the time) to have someone at the house to flag people/calls as the next day was a huge graduation party/graduation, with people coming in from all over. My 18 year old wanted to stay, begged to stay, and I have for months regretted not letting them. I guess as some of you have put it, my 'expectations' WERE too high and out of line to have my OLDER children step up and at least offer to help or even take their younger sister with them. I am more than certain their mother would not of had an issue with it.
I have no problem with any of the comments except for one about my stepchildren not being taught to respect and have gratitude and compassion. My husband and I have been VERY involved in his childrens lives since we married when they were 5 and 3. We have together, with their mother taught them respect and gratitude throughout their lives. As they were growing up, though they were primarily with their mother, we also were a constant in their lives and feel we went above and beyond in order to make their lives whole. And perhaps my wording of 'bringing the hammer down" was harsh and not accurate. We HAVENT eliminated them from our lives. We would just like to see them make a move toward us.
Thank you again for everyones comments. The 'expectations' comments really opened my eyes and I thank you.
I hope your husband continues
I hope your husband continues to improve in health. Some people have a really hard time dealing with health issues and the possibility of death and choose to distance themselves. Others are just self centered and really don't care. My dH was in the hospital for a slight heart issue and as soon as he got out ss30 was asking him to help him move. I was sooooo mad. No concern for his fathers health or the need to take it easy. Totally selfish, all about his own needs. I of course was the bad guy since I was so shocked at ss30's request I said something and forgot to filter. Dh did help him move but at my insistence only by driving.
I'm sure you and DH did an excellent job raising them but in the end they are who they are. Just don't hold your breathe by waiting for them to make a move towards you.
Oh my goodness, read my
Oh my goodness, read my recent posting about Karma, we have a lot in common!!! My husband almost died had a liver transplant not happened at the last minute. Step kids were awful. I feel for you!