BM gets her act "together" after 12 years...Does that mean I have to get kicked to the curb??
When I married my DH over 12 years ago, he had 4 children, who were then SS15, SD12, SD8, and SS3. We have since had 3 little boys together also..So 7 children all together. From the very beginning, I raised all the kids as they were my own. The oldest and the youngest SS were and are very special needs, so that brought about allot of challenges. The BM lived an hour away, and did not really engage herself in the day to day lives of the older kids. They went to stay every other weekend and on holdays...but the situation at her place was horrible....Even living by herself, she had a filthy house, could not keep a job, and never really took the time to be involved and nurture the older kids. I did my best, even as I also had my 3 little boys, to make my family the most important thing in my life. In a way, it was convenient that she lived an hour away, because she was not doing very well....even on her own. As my SD got older, I did the best I knew how to be a good mom and provide them with the nurturing that they needed and deserved. Even so, I always felt I was hitting my head against a brick wall because their mom, when they went there, did nothing but trash talk me. Instead of giving them real and wise advice, she always told them exactly what they wanted to hear. She still does that to this day. I, as the primary mother they resided with, did not have that luxury, and resented the fact that she was so irresponsible in her advice to them. Fast forward. Up until this last year, their mother has not been there for them physically, emotionally...or otherwise!! This last summer, the BM met and married a decent guy..and then they moved 15 minutes away. SD 24 just had her second baby and also has a 2 year old. Since she moved closer, she has gotten more involved in the lives of the kids, and has made great strides in her care and keeping of her home and herself. Is it crazy that I am having a really hard time with teh fact that SD 24 openly admires her mother in social setting and lauds her for the positive changes that she has made. For TWELVE years, she was absent..and now ..LIKE MAGIC...Its all good!! Dont get me wrong here, I am happy that SD 1 and 2 are finally able to do some fun things with their mom..but now, I am feeling kicked to the curb!! So...12 years of love and care....feels like it has been in vain..somehow. I tried to talk to my SD 24 today ...express how happy I was that she was able to finally do fun things with her mom..yet let her know how i was feeling as well. What I got back from her was that she appreciates all that I have done for her, but does not want to express it openly because she doesnt want to cause any drama with her mom!!
Exactly. It doesn't matter
Exactly. It doesn't matter how wonderful we SMs are. It doesn't matter that we are there for the kids. We can raise them when BM isn't in the picture, support them financially and emotionally, be their end-all, be-all. But when an absent BM comes back into the picture, no matter how long she's been gone or why- or when a BM decides to start opposition with the SM- those kids will jump to her cause and she will be everything to them.
I did more for my skids than their mother even considered doing. I cared more. What did it get me? A great big eff you as the skids walked out the door without even a goodbye. Literally. PAS complete.
Exactly. Protect yourself and
Exactly. Protect yourself and your own kids. Don't let your heart in for breaking, because it will be broken. I had to watch my daughter cry today, afraid of going to the family Christmas party because it's the first time she's seen SD since she kicked us all to the curb for bullshit reasons for which we had nothing to do with. My daughter went, because she's tough and she loves her stepgrandmother and wanted to see her. I'm so proud of her. But I wish I could take away the pain for her. She was close to SD.
"Do not invest heavily in
"Do not invest heavily in your stepkids" is a mantra I now live by. I'm cordial when in their presence, just as I would be with any stranger but that is all. Luckily I didn't raise DH's hell spawn but I did spend over 2 years trying to be real friendly, giving, cooking and accommodating to them only to be badmouthed and stolen from.
You have gone above and beyond what a step parent needs to do. Now focus on yourself and your children. Let your DH continue his relationship with HIS children. Be nice but stop investing where you get no return.
This is my biggest fear with
This is my biggest fear with SS16, I will do for him and someday, he will turn around and glorify the mother that only sees him once a month for dinner. She never chats with him, calls him, has no clue who he is. Buys a big Xmas gift and birthday and that is it.
I am the one that he comes to last night, because he needs baked goods for class on Monday. I am the one that makes what he likes for dinner, does his laundry and pays for the Xmas vacation because I think it is more important to spend time with my kids, then throw another present at them.
I am partially disengaged with him, because of this fear. I only do what I want. I just know someday, he will praise her and I will be kicked to the curb.
Focus your time and energy on
Focus your time and energy on your kids only...you'll get more in return. Don't let them get to you any more. It's a never ending game with step kids, so just don't play. I'm sorry though for how this makes you feel.
The biological bond is simply
The biological bond is simply too strong. What you are asking is unreasonable. It's magical thinking.
I'm sure you were and are a great step mom, in fact, probably the best they could ever have hoped for. But you aren't Mom. You won't ever be Mom. Mom can be a complete total loser piece of abusive shit, and she will still be **MOM**
Same thing here. I've raised SS17 since he was 4 full time. BM has been in and out, but more out than in. Who am I? No one.
I can see why you would be
I can see why you would be hurt. But...
Did you really only do all you did so that you could get praised for it when they were older? Or did you do it so that they would grow up to be good people? Realize you did what needed to be done, and that's ALL that matters. People do amazing things all the time and hardly ever get proper credit for it. We need to be satisfied with what we have accomplished without expecting external rewards. Pat yourself on the back and move on. You will be much happier!
What's intreesting is that my
What's intreesting is that my husband doesn't have to worry about having a bond with my kids (and he does, they all adore each other) Why? Because my children would never treat someone poorly. They love him, respect others, and wouldn't kick him to the curb, ever. I am grateful that he will never have to worry about that or go through what me and my kids have been through with SD.