What does my love and care for 12 years mean to them when BM gets her act "together"
When I married my DH over 12 years ago, he had 4 children, who were then SS15, SD12, SD8, and SS3. We have since had 3 little boys together also..So 7 children all together. From the very beginning, I raised all the kids as they were my own. The oldest and the youngest SS were and are very special needs, so that brought about allot of challenges. The BM lived an hour away, and did not really engage herself in the day to day lives of the older kids. They went to stay every other weekend and on holdays...but the situation at her place was horrible....Even living by herself, she had a filthy house, could not keep a job, and never really took the time to be involved and nurture the older kids. I did my best, even as I also had my 3 little boys, to make my family the most important thing in my life. In a way, it was convenient that she lived an hour away, because she was not doing very well....even on her own. As my SD got older, I did the best I knew how to be a good mom and provide them with the nurturing that they needed and deserved. Even so, I always felt I was hitting my head against a brick wall because their mom, when they went there, did nothing but trash talk me. Instead of giving them real and wise advice, she always told them exactly what they wanted to hear. She still does that to this day. I, as the primary mother they resided with, did not have that luxury, and resented the fact that she was so irresponsible in her advice to them. Fast forward. Up until this last year, their mother has not been there for them physically, emotionally...or otherwise!! This last summer, the BM met and married a decent guy..and then they moved 15 minutes away. SD 24 just had her second baby and also has a 2 year old. Since she moved closer, she has gotten more involved in the lives of the kids, and has made great strides in her care and keeping of her home and herself. Is it crazy that I am having a really hard time with teh fact that SD 24 openly admires her mother in social setting and lauds her for the positive changes that she has made. For TWELVE years, she was absent..and now ..LIKE MAGIC...Its all good!! Dont get me wrong here, I am happy that SD 1 and 2 are finally able to do some fun things with their mom..but now, I am feeling kicked to the curb!! So...12 years of love and care....feels like it has been in vain..somehow. I tried to talk to my SD 24 today ...express how happy I was that she was able to finally do fun things with her mom..yet let her know how i was feeling as well. What I got back from her was that she appreciates all that I have done for her, but does not want to express it openly because she doesnt want to cause any drama with her mom!!
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I think that there are two
I think that there are two different issues here.
1. Your SD is right and entitled to be proud of her mother turning her life around. It is a big achievement from what you say of her previous life. It is normal that she wants to get to know this new and improved version of her mother especially as she is living close by now.
2. You did a great job raising the kids and your SD says that she appreciates it. Her pride in her mothers achievements does not negate her gratefulness of what you provided for them.
I think that there are ways that your SD and the other kids and show you their appreciation for all that you have done for them without shoving it in their mother's face and essentially saying that she was an awful mother in the past. But equally they need to be sensitive to your feelings and ensure that their pride of their BM does not come across as a rejection of you and all that you have done for them.
Perhaps after you discussion with SD she will be a little more sensitive to your feelings.
Are you still doing
Are you still doing counseling? Perhaps if not it's time to go back and see if your counselor can help you put some of what is all going on into perspective and help guide your through what is a very emotionally personal time for you. I understand you're feeling hurt and rejected but this young lady should not have to pick one mother over the other (her mother or you). I realize you don't feel as if this SD's mother has been a good mother nor very capable of raising her children but she has not totally been an absent mother.
In SD's 24r olds case this was her only mother, good or bad, for the first 12yrs of SD's life. The mother also saw her children EOWE, holidays and 1/2 of summers. While you have done the daily heavy lifting for the last 12yrs, it doesn't change the fact that this young lady has also indeed had an actual mother and one who has earned (whether you agree should be or not) her daughter's love. Many of the woman here have husband's who are weekend parents, get holidays and part of every summer, while the mother (sometimes alone or with the help of a new spouse) raise and tend to the child/children's daily needs. That doesn't mean these father's aren't the father's or don't love and care for their children.
Your SD shouldn't be made to feel she has to chose. Neither should she be made to feel she's disloyal to you or unappreciative of you cause you've done a lot of the caretaking, just because she also loves her biological mother. The SD is not doing a 'bad' thing by being proud of her mother's progress and choosing to include this woman in her life and have a adult relationship with her and want this woman to be a part of her own children's life. It doesn't mean she just wants to boot you to the curb or be disrespectable to you. SD is an adult woman with two very special ladies in her life, you and her mother. Your wording of " are finally able to do some fun things with their mom" and now you feel kicked to the curb, is strange choice of words to me. IMO it doesn't sound like the SD wants to boot you, she just wants a chance to include her mother in her life without being made to free guilt or 'bad' over it and because you are so hurt and angry over this you are trying to force the SD into making choices and it is you who is making this act of pulling away from you. There's room in this young lady's life for the both of you. Room in her heart for both of you. She's not a possession to own.
I don't understand how you
I don't understand how you are getting "kicked to the curb"?
"Is it crazy that I am having a really hard time with teh fact that SD 24 openly admires her mother in social setting and lauds her for the positive changes that she has made."
So is it wrong to praise someone for turning their life around?
"What I got back from her was that she appreciates all that I have done for her, but does not want to express it openly because she doesnt want to cause any drama with her mom!!"
While I understand you are hurt because of how BM dropped the ball caring for her kids, I don't understand what you expect SD to do. Do you want SD to stop hanging out with her mom?
It kind of seems junior highish to me. "I don't like this person so you can't be friends with her either!"
Yep..Im a pretty bad person,
Yep..Im a pretty bad person, i guess, for having a tinge of jealousy at seing a picture of BM and 2 SD having mother-daughter time. I know that I am wrong. I admit it. I live too much in my head and my heart and take things way too personally. I try to make sure SD knows its not a competition...but then I have these feelings. My bad. She needs to worry aboutherself and her babies and husband right now and not about this tit for tat crap. I'm just gonna go slink off to the corner now and lick my woulds. I am my own worst enemy!!
You're not a bad person, just
You're not a bad person, just human.
Instead of letting feelings of jealousy take over you, try to remind yourself that SD's happiness is what's most important. Try to be happy for SD that her mother is fixing herself up and that they are able to have a good relationship now.
Like others said, there's room for everyone in your SD's heart.
Aww, you're not a bad person.
Aww, you're not a bad person. You loved those kids like only a mother knows how, and you had to watch them go and be around a woman who trashed you...and now she wants to return after the hard part of raising them is over. It's only natural to feel this way. I believe that the biggest, most loving hearts break the hardest. Sorry that you're going through this, but the pain will subside.
Honestly I think it's only
Honestly I think it's only human to think and feel this way and to want everyone to see that you went through the hard part of helping to raise the skids and BM gets to enjoy what your DH and you have worked really hard for...I get that. You must be such an amazingly giving and loving person to do that without anyone asking you to. How do I know that? I'm doing the same thing, and while I'm not even close to being where you are yet, (SD is barely 7) I can already see and feel it with MIL as well as with BM, if BM chooses to remember she has another daughter anyway.
I think we have to keep reminding ourselves that we're doing this for our DH's because we love them and they deserve it (or both DH's and skids deserve it). We have to remind ourselves that we're doing something completely selfless and it's only natural to feel like we should be appreciated more because of all we go through and put up with without even having to.
So just remember, it's ok to throw yourself a pity party every once in a great while, just don't stay there. Be happy for your SD, you've helped raise her well. Be glad she isn't pointing her finger at either of you or resenting either of you like other adult skids I've read about on here. Be happy SD wants you both in her life.
Hang in there, and remind her that you'll probably always be there for her no matter what.
(I hope you know that by "we" I definitely included me in there as well...I have to keep reminding myself of these things so often...our job is not easy)
Keep your head up, wicked, and I'll try my best to do the same....you're amazing!!!