Resources please
Hi all, i'm new here. I've been married for a year and a half but we have been together for 9 years. I have HATED my step son the entire time. It's nothing new. I try to hide it but it's something we all know. My problem is that it's getting worse, every fight my husband and I have, every opportunity to spend time together SS ruins makes me hate him more and more. It's getting so bad I think we need to get a divorce. I'm so unhappy. I realize this is a forum to vent but I really don't think that will help much, do any of you have any resources, books anything that have helped you? We have gone to 3 therapists but we have never been given any tools to use, it's always just complaining about his kid to a stranger.
- Ama's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
First of all, it's not clear
First of all, it's not clear from your post - do you want to stay married? Do you still love your husband? How old is your step son? Do you have any biological children of your own? What specifically does your step son do that makes you dislike him?
Maybe you would get better advice if we know a bit more about your situation.
I don't know if I still love
I don't know if I still love my husband, I did, but my hatred for my SS seems to be absorbing everyone associated with him. My SS is 12 i've been dating his dad since he was 3 and have lived with him since he was 5. We have SS every weekend and every holiday break, essentially everyday we aren't at work we have SS. I don't have children of my own but want kids very much, however my husband doesn't want to have more kids (he tells me after we are married) because I don't get along with SS.
I don't know if I can properly communicate why I hate SS so much it's so complicated. But I think what I hate the most isn't him but how my husband treats me when he's around. While mon-fri my husband is very attentive and affectionate the few hours of the day we are both home at the same time, when SS is around I I don't even exist. DH jumps out of bed without acknowledging me to go cater to every imaginable whim SS can dream up. If my husband does speak to me during the weekend SS finds a way to interrupt or draw the conversation back to himself and my husband will stop mid sentence to comply. If I tell SS to do his dishes, eat his vegetables or clean up after himself DH will reprimand me that ( I have to love him before I can tell him what to do) so I feel like I'm expected to silently cook and clean for SS without complaint. The holiday schedule is dictated to us by the ex wife and if I have a problem with what she tells us we are doing for xmas or spring break DH accuses me of trying to stop him from spending time with his son, much of this wasn't a problem before we were married because I always went home for holidays, although i did feel guilty about never spending them with DH. As for SS himself he's lazy,rude,dirty and smelly, selfish spoiled and demanding. I used to try to participate with both of them but have been isolating myself more and more honestly without even realizing I was doing it.
I want my husband to spend more time with me and treat my like i'm important, I don't want all my days off to be planned by my husbands ex wife and if I have to live with this child I think it's fair that i have a say in how my house runs and my "children" behave. As i've said we have gone to therapists who never give us any advice they just seem to referee our arguments and when I tell my husband how his actions make me feel he says that none of what i say is true. Our relationship is wonderful when that f#$*ing kid isn't around. I know these issues are fairly common but I Never hear how people get past them.
Thanks, Ama, that helps! Yes,
Thanks, Ama, that helps! Yes, a lot of what you are describing is VERY normal. However, I would say the biggest red flag I read was that your husband told you he WOULD have more children with you and then changed his mind after you were married - which is NOT okay. That is called a bait and switch. He shouldn't be allowed to dictate something that is so important to you. If this issue can't be overcome, divorce might be your only option.
If, however, you do want to stay, I would suggest fully disengaging from your home when your SS is there. To learn more about disengagement, read this: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.shtml. Do you have friends you could visit with on the weekends? Go shopping, see a movie, go out to eat - whatever. Don't THREATEN to do it - just quietly do it. Send a quick text "going out with Sally" or whatever. Don't explain that you are avoiding the house b/c you don't like his son - just say that you are busy.
Once your husband sees that you have a life outside of him, and once he sees what it's like to live alone on the weekends, he may try to correct his behavior to get you to become more involved on the weekends.
Another thing that helped me was doing a thing called the 180. It's intended for spouses who's partners are cheating, but I have found it useful in step-life as well: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11 I especially like #18.
Often we get into the rut of repeating why we are unhappy to our spouses over and over and over. Does that sound like someone you would want to be around? Show your spouse that you are able to be content without him. If you two do wind up splitting, you will need to have this ability anyway.
Hope that helps!
Thank you!!! I actually have
Thank you!!! I actually have disengaged naturally but DH keeps making me feel guilty about it, glad to know it was the right thing to do. And the 180 seems like good advice too. I feel so stupid trying to force my own husband into spending time with me. Maybe the venting does help, I actually feel better. Thanks again.
I think that the first thing
I think that the first thing you need to do is understand it's not your stepson you have an issue with it's your husband. Your stepson is just acting the way he is allowed to act. I'm not saying he is an angel or anything like that. I just think you need to understand that it is your husband's fault not so much the kids. My DH and I have been having some of the same problems. We have been seeing a therapist and it has helped. But what has helped is my DH is seeing where his princess is spoiled rotten and is trying to be more attentive to me and my needs. Unless your DH see's how much he is hurting you and your marriage it will never work. I'm sorry you are going through this. If I wanted to have kids and he refused I would leave him. I hate to encourage divorce but if he won't even try to see your side then you have no marriage.
I think DH does know how much
I think DH does know how much he spoils SS but he justifies it because SS's mom sucks. I think he knows he's overcompensating but doesn't see anything wrong with it.
Nope, not sure. On the one
Nope, not sure. On the one hand I feel like that's a really manipulative thing to say and I feel like he is trying to make me jump through hoops, but on the other hand (and maybe i'm just making up excuses for him) he had SS while in a relationship that was not working and I think he doesn't want to make the same mistake again. I just wish we could all get along if we did there wouldn't be an issue but I don't see how that's going to happen.