Is this unreasonable to ask?
I posted on here once before about some problems my wife and I are facing.
To summarize, we are newly married, just a little over a year. My wife is from South America and I have 2 kids both girls ages 6 and 9. They are your typical kids and I consider them pretty well behaved when they come over which is every other weekend. My wife used to know my ex wife a few years back but I have made it an effort (also based on her desires) so that she would never have to see my ex wife.
Things started off great but have deteriorated as of recently. My wife has disengaged from my kids to the point that she avoids them at all costs. If that is how she feel's then that's fine and I will support her the best I can. And on a side note no I am not a disney dad, my kids come they must behave etc. Ok back to the point. When my kids are here for the weekend I keep them out of the house almost the entire time, some weekends my wife doesn't have to see them, some she might for a short period of time. She treats my kids with respect and I appreciate that. My kids also treat her the same way.
This has been getting harder because I see her pushing more and more not wanting anything to do with my kids whatsoever. I have gotten to the point that I don't mention anything about them to her simply to avoid tension. I love my wife dearly, to me she is the most amazing woman I have ever met...this situation with her feelings towards the fact that I have kids is causing problems though.
FYI, I plan for us to go see a family therapist to help in this matter. The issue is now Christmas is coming up. We have been invited to my parents house with a lot of other relatives which is quite rare, like a big christmas gathering. My parents have a fairly large house but with everyone coming the only place they can put my wife and I and my kids is in one of their spare rooms sleeping in the same room. My wife and I on the bed and my kids on the floor. This event is going on in another state and we are flying there for it while my kids are flying with their mother and we will meet to pick them up once there. It is a total of 3 nights in which my kids will be with us and they would need to stay on the floor.
My wife absolutely refuses to this, which I find hard to take in because we have stayed in a hotel before with my kids a few times with no issues (back in the beginning when things were good in this regard). Her extended family came and stayed in our house for a month about a year ago. I hear her position but at the same time I don't agree to it or understand it. I try to be as supportive as I can but this then forces us into one of a few options:
1) She has to find a way within herself to sleep in the same room for 3 nights (non consecutive), as the rest of the house is full.
2) We have to find a hotel for the 2 of us which is probably 30 mins away from where they live then making it a pain having to drive back and forth during the holidays with the whole family there.
3) ...I don't really know....
Looking to understand if asking her to sleep in the same room for 3 non consecutive nights is unreasonable from my side or not....I will do all I can to support her but things have been getting more difficult and I have to draw the line somewhere....thoughts??
She says its a feeling she
She says its a feeling she gets and that she feels horrible about it because she's not a bad person. Also they remind her of their mother which she despises but has never had to see since we have been together about 2 years.
I feel it is jealousy based on her actions to things
Staying in a hotel 30 minutes
Staying in a hotel 30 minutes away does not sound like "a pain" at all. In fact, it sounds pretty effing convenient and much more comfy than being crammed in a family members house and trying to share bathrooms with too many people.
How about you compromise a little, and recognize that several days with your family and kids is a bit much for her, so getting some hotel rooms is a small price to pay to meet her halfway.
I don;t read that she is
I don;t read that she is "jealous".
Sure, the OP SAYS he parents the kids well, but that is HIS impression. Not necessarily HERS.
But all things aside, I would not be keen on stuffing myself into a crowded home with 4 people in one room for a holiday. A hotel room or two is a pretty fair compromise.
I consider staying in a hotel
I consider staying in a hotel a pain because we will be with family I haven't seen in a long time, everyone having a good time, drinking, hanging out etc. Then having to drive every night and leave my kids at my parents house....when on the other hand my kids will be sound asleep by the time we go to bed if we were to stay there. The house won't be cramped it's quite large just no extra beds with everyone there and we will have our own bathroom.
On the other hand 7 of her family to include 2 teenage cousins stayed with us for a month in a 2 bedroom condo....I feel 3 nights with my kids is not unreasonable...but that is my perspective of course.
I don't think that your
I don't think that your request is unreasonable. I "get" the desire to reconnect with family without the timer going off and having to leave. (Not sure that I'd leave my kids there without me, but that's me.)
Unfortunately I have been involved with 2 GF/SM's from other countries ... Columbia and Russia ... and I'll be honest, in my personal experience, there is a huge cultural difference in the approach to "other people's children." I'm not trying to be inflammatory or discriminatory, I am saying that over the last 15 years I have butted my head against subtle cultural differences.
If your DW wants to leave your children and family to stay in a hotel, well, I'm sorry for your restricted family reunion, but go with it.
Let her stay in a hotel and
Let her stay in a hotel and you stay at your parent's with your kids.
When my husband and I visit his family it is like that - way too many people in too small a space for me. I can't sleep without privacy and hate sharing a bathroom. So - we always get a hotel room. Sometimes he comes with me to the room and sometimes he stays the night with a relative. Works out well for us.
FYI....Rome is in Europe not
FYI....Rome is in Europe not South America. Just sayin'.
It's a saying: "When in Rome,
It's a saying: "When in Rome, do as the Romans do". i.e. Conform to the local culture.
Where will your kids be while
Where will your kids be while "the 2 of us" stay in a hotel, and who will be responsible for them?
In this case they would be at
In this case they would be at my parents with them being responsible. Which I don't think is fair either.
I would offer your wife the
I would offer your wife the choice of staying w/you and the kids as originally suggested, her staying at a hotel on her own or her staying home - and don't get pissed at her choice. JMO.
Your wife sounds like a stuck
Your wife sounds like a stuck up bitch. Sorry lol being honest. Did you marry my ex-SIL?
Thanks for the input
Thanks for the input everyone. No decision has been made yet. My kids are here for the weekend at the moment.
We talked some last night...quite a tense weekend to be honest. She feels that my youngest disrespects her and that I do nothing about it. I asked her the last time this happened because I have made every effort to correct things like that. Her comment is that my efforts don't work. My response is that she hasn't been around my kids for the better part of a year now. Always gone or closed in the bedroom etc so how would she know any different.
In the beginning my kids were dealing with a divorce. Every one has their bad days. The few times if "disrespect" were my kids coming directly from their mothers house and still adapting to the change. Anytime my wife would say hi to the youngest and she didn't respond I would tell my youngest she needs to speak when an adult talks to her etc etc. My wife would them say nooo its OK. Kind of counter productive.
My kids love my wife, ask where she is and miss her since she has disengaged. This weekend they haven't seen her and won't. I have to let her know when we are coming home and sometimes adjust that time to what works for her which is fine for me. When we come back she is never here and returns once they are in bed.
I ask her the last time my kids disrespect her and she cant tell me. She even told me the last time she was around them that they are much better in that regard.
My opinion based on her other comments is that my youngest reminds her of their mother and she can't stand that thus creating a bias.
I have always taken her input on matters with my kids open minded to ensure I wasn't blind to any issues. I am not perfect but I can honestly say after being around many kids that mine are actually not bad at all. They have their sisterly spats at times but I cut those off. Nothing out of the norm.
My position is now how can she expect change or see change if the situation is not available to present itself. The few recent times it has she said things were good.
The disrespect she speaks of in the beginning had to do with my youngest not responding when she was spoken to on a few occasions which I corrected at those moments. Thats the extent. And for those that question how they are when I'm not around...let's just say I have always been around, never left them with her because they ate not her responsibility. Also to go with that I have never asked my wife to do anything for them, I feed them, bath them and take them everywhere, I also do their laundry and dishes etc. When we leave the house I make every effort for it to be left as if they were never there.
For your trip away can you
For your trip away can you come up with an excuse to your hosts as to why you'd prefer the kids to sleep in a different room? Tell them your wife is a light sleeper, or one of you snores and keeps the others up, some sort of plausible reason. Then see if they can move things around to accommodate that. Perhaps if there are other kids, all the kids can sleep in one room and the adults can get some privacy? Then if they can't accommodate that you have the perfect excuse as to why you are going to stay at a hotel without the kids.
I think forcing your wife to sleep in a room for 3 nights with people she resents/hates is not a great idea. Yes you may not agree or understand why she has these feelings but you have to accept that for her they are real. Hopefully the therapy will help you two to work through them and find some middle ground as you don't seem very happy with the current situation.
I think the wife not going to
I think the wife not going to a great alternative.
I can't imagine any other situation where an adult would be forced to sleep in a room with people that they hate or resent. Why should a step parent?
Yes, paying for a hotel room does seem excessive, but the OP suggested it himself so it seems it isn't out of the question.
They do definitely have problems and some therapy is desperately needed to get the the bottom of it and work out if they can get through their issues or if they are insurmountable.
Time to book the tickets sans
Time to book the tickets sans your bride. If she wants to be the toxic SM then leave her home alone for the holidays. Don't discuss it further. Just book the tickets and wave goodbye when the cab picks you and the girls up for the airport.
I wouldn't force the issue.
I wouldn't force the issue. If the wife doesn't want to come and sleep with the family do not make her. Leave her behind. If you kids have truly done something to harm her then that should be dealt with, but it doesn't sound like they have. I feel bad for the kids who want to be around her. She needs some help to overcome this as it will only tear your family apart.