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My daughter's safety must come first

SW2613's picture

My DH and I have been married for almost 6 years. Almost immediately after we got together, SS at the time 4 now 10 started living with us the majority of the time. We didn't just battle in court for BM to have little or no visitation it was an all out war. She is an untreated bipolar and god knows what else and just a horrible parent and human being for so many reasons but that's not my current problem. She has been out of the picture for going on 3 years now on her owe accord. I've been raising him as my own, and he sees it that way as well. SS has been in therapy since he was 4 as he has always had mood issues and sociopathic red flags. He has caused us so much trouble with his lying, manipulating, stealing, sneaking, conniving, and his lack of remorse even though he knows what he is doing is wrong and makes the conscious decision to do it any way. He has stabbed girls in school with pencils or more than one occasion. By 1st grade he had already had over 24 behavior reports, 5 detentions, a 3 day suspension, and a suicide referral for saying he would bring a gun to school and shoot himself. In the most recent years, he received more suspensions, but also, when asked in class to write a "How to" book on any topic and he wrote "how to make a bomb", he showed interest in the Sandy Hook shootings, and the day we brought our daughter home from the hospital he brought a knife to school. His pediatrician even told us that we need to get him help because "he's the type of kid who would shoot up a school". She sent us to a new dr for a new psychiatric evaluation. We explained our concerns then she talked to him alone. He diagnosis was that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him and that DH and I had the problem and need a special type of parental counseling. He also manipulated her into thinking his speech was so bad when several specialists say he can speak perfectly well he just chooses to stutter when it serves him. Dh and I never felt comfortable letting our baby girl sleep in her crib as we didn't trust him. Every time we was around her, he made me so uncomfortable and anxious. Finally I had enough when during my daily inspections of his room, I found the nail file off of nail clippers hidden under his bed. DH thought I was overreacting but I just had it with feeling so unsafe in my own home. I told him that they had to leave. SS was standing behind him smirking. We were separated for 2 weeks. DH called me and said that he was finally ready to bring him to a hospital for serious help as over the 2 weeks, he had several outbursts threatening to hurt himself or others. He asked if he could come home so his family wouldn't find out and help check him in. I agreed. SS had touched one of his friends on his privates before so the hospital didn't allow him to share a room even with cameras and nurses everywhere. They kept him for only 6 days as they were only a stabilizing hospital. A psychologist recommended a boys home 15 mins away from our house where he would live Sunday night through Friday afternoon and come home on the weekends. They would send him to school, he lives in a dorm room with 10 other boys his age, they have games, tvs, pets, and most importantly therapists every day and a psychiatrist who goes there 3 days a week. Luckily they accepted him and he started immediately. He continued to act in uncomfortable ways with the baby. He rubs her chest, pulls up her shirt or dress, tries to watch us change her, if she's standing up playing he pulls her shirt to make her fall onto his lap, and he doesn't stop when we tell him to. Halloween night, DH was holding the baby on the couch and tickling her. SS was sitting right next to him and out the corner of my eye I could see him trying to make sure no one could see him as he began to touch her private area on top of her clothes. I was so disgusted and in shock all I said was "OK time for bed time baby girl" and brought her to her room. I told DH that night that I no longer feel comfortable having him being around her anymore. He cannot be controlled as he doesn't obey anything, doesn't stop anything when we tell him to, he lies, and never does what we tell him to do and if he could touch her with us right there, what could he do when he's supposed to be in his room or sleeping. Since then, DH has been staying with other people on weekends. I dread the weekends and holidays because it means we won't be together. I have suffered so much because of SS and I refuse to let her be his next victim. Over a dozen people that know him say that they see that he is dangerous. Dh told his dad what happened and he said that he wasn't surprised that he touched her and that it is obvious something is seriously not right with him. I cannot nave him around my daughter, I can't even look at him now, but it really hurts not having Dh with me and the baby. Does anyone have any ideas?

Comments

StepLady's picture

The next time he does something at home that crosses a line, can you press charges on him? With a criminal case couldnt he remanded for months or even years depending on what he did? Is he medicated? Has he been abused? Where is bm now? Can dh call social services in your area for help? Lots of times you can for help as an overwhelmed parent. You are totally right to protect your daughter. Do not have him around her or yourself. He is very very sick. In the home he is now, can you refuse to take him home on the weekends? Or is that mandatory? Is there respit homes for sick kids on the weekend? Can you afford a therapy school far away from home for him to live in full time? What is your marriage like besides the issues with the boy? I am just curious if his illnesses have burned you and your dh out? Are there any group homes for him? There was a home in a rural area in my state that was for juv sex offenders and I do not know anything about it other than they offered a job to someone I know but she turned it down of course. Is there any thing like that near you? What a terrible situation.

SW2613's picture

Being able to prove that his intent was to arouse himself or her would be the only way anything criminal could happen in our state. I have threatened Dh with calling DCFS, but my fear is they would possibly try to take her away from me because it occurred with us in the room. Plus he's such a liar, I've always feared that he would lie and get her taken away from me. I've been afraid of this since before I even got pregnant.

They have a summer program so he stayed throughout the summer. They have also kept him on spring break and fall break. However, they refused to take him this week for thanksgiving vacation even after we told them about what happened. Weekends home are their reward for the week. He missed the baby's 1st birthday party because he was punished there. It may sound bad, but Dh and I have hoped he would be punished before because the bullshit starts 5 seconds after he walks in the door.

This home is basically free, they just encourage you to donate whatever you can. Dh had surgery right after he started so money was nonexistent, so we didn't donate and have honestly forgotten about it. Before this place, all I could find were 50th a year boarding schools.

Marriage is horrible. I'm so damn burnt oUT as I have done literally everything for both kids and Dh since we got married. He was the most amazing man when we met. Our love made all the other lones I thought I had were so meaningless. He adored and worshipped me. We would cry all the time happy tears at how lucky we felt to have found each other. Now, it's like it would kill him to be nice to me. He doesn't get me birthday or anniversary presents and Christmas is done the day before. He was such an insensitive, selfish as while I was in labor for 17 hrs and ever since. For the past few years, he turns me down for sex. I stopped breastfeeding after the baby self weaned after she turned one. For some reason, my sex drive is off the charts so no matter how mad I am I have a ravenous appetite for it right now and it is good. I have literally begged him and outlined everything I need and want so many times, and it's like he could care less if he lost me. He claims he is miserable not being home with me on weekends, but he seems to be having a blast. I'm lonely and stuck at home by 6:30 when the baby goes down. While he's running the streets and hanging out with ss. He has shown no anger towards him at all, but throws it my way all the time. We just moved into a new rental house. My mom and he boyfriend have already discussed with me that they would be willing to pay the rent and support me and the baby so I can continue to stay home with her if I wanted to end it. My daughter is so unbelievably amazing, beautiful, smart, with these unreal gorgeous blue eyes, and I love her more than anything on earth. However, I felt so many times that I should have never brought a child into this situation. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for putting her through this. I had a horrible abusive father and my only wish was to give my kids a great dad. I feel like I failed.

SecondGeneration's picture

Yes your daughters safety does need to come first. Well done for what you have done so far, there is no way I'd let him back in my house either.
Do seek out legal help, the support service with that school is great but you need something else in place for summer holidays. Weekends can be managed, one week can be managed, two weeks at a stretch but 8 weeks is too long. Too long for a wife to be without her husband but also too long for your daughter to be without her father. Its going to get very tricky as she grows up, resentment is bound to ten fold when she realises daddy vanishes at weekends to be with his son. You've essentially got him living two lives and that must be awful for all of you. But hats on to him for actually helping you.

Be very careful when thinking of pursuing chemical castration, it is reversable but do your research. There was a tv programme a few weeks ago that touched on issues with castration (it was involving paedos and their behaviour becoming more violent in attempt to regain that rush they couldnt obtain anymore) Now for your SS might not be an issue as hes so young but I think its one of those things they wont consider until the worse has already happened.

SW2613's picture

They have a summer program so he stayed throughout the summer. They have also kept him on spring break and fall break. However, they refused to take him this week for thanksgiving vacation even after we told them about what happened. Weekends home are their reward for the week. He missed the baby's 1st birthday party because he was punished there. It may sound bad, but Dh and I have hoped he would be punished before because the bullshit starts 5 seconds after he walks in the door.

SW2613's picture

When he was 6, he told us that BM touched his penis. He showed Dh on himself how she did it, and he kind of stroked it back and forth like 2x. We discussed the importance of telling the truth especially here as she could go to jail. He said he was telling the truth. DCFS came to our house to talk to us and him. After she spoke alone with him, she asked us what we thought happened. She started laughing as we told her. We thought she was just a royal bitch, but now I believe it's because he lied and told her some bullshit. The pediatrician sent us to a special department of children's hospital that deals with abuse. A Dr examined him and discussed with him what happened. He told them she had gloves on then beat him on his toe with a spiked chain until there was blood every where. He admitted to us that he lied to them but that she still touched. Charges weren't pressed because we couldn't my prove intent, and he wold be an awful witness.
Her attorney and the law students that were appointed to represent SS's interests in the custody case, after they spoke to him alone, felt that he was coached and that I likely was behind it.

To this day, I don't know what happened. BM is such a piece of shit that I wouldn't be shocked if it was true. Her family is so screwed up that her step dad had sequel relationships with her 2 other sisterside and everyone knew. When he got cancer and died, they all act like he was a saint and best father ever. Like I said, SS touched a friend of his. He also undresses all of his stuffed animals. He has goofy plush whose pants can't stay up anymore because he pulled them down so much.

Dh has showed no anger or anything towards ss. They have been having fun guy time watching football and running around town. I on the other hand have been met with so much anger every time we discuss the issue. He one time in a argument said that he thinks I hate ss so much that I saw what I wanted to see. He has since recanted, but I don't feel like he is with me on this.

SS has been diagnosed with adhd. No mental disorder has formally been diagnosed, but they treat him with bipolar meds, and they have discussed treating him for OCD tendencies.

SW2613's picture

I wish that no one would blame me for my decision, but unfortunately with everything with Dh and ss is always my fault. I got the blame for ss saying BM molested him, I got the blame from dh's own sister for "trying to take a child away from his mother" when we were fighting for custody, it's my fault he's in the home which was a big argument with his siblings, now it's my fault he can't ever have both of his kids together, and dh even said that I'm abandoning ss and it's f'ed up that the only mother he's had has abandoned him.

That last one pissed me off the most. I've devoted the last 6 yrs of my life to both of them. I stopped working to stay home for ss and all his care, and I've done nothing but eat, sleep, and breathe this boy. The custody fight cost over $30,000 which I had to borrow from my mom and even my abusive father that I had seen or talked to since I was 12. My car's lease was up and there was no money to keep it so I haven't had a car for 2 1/2 yrs until 2 weeks ago we were able to buy me something used with almost 100k miles. Not to mention that his BM abandoned him, I have done everything I could for him and now I have to do that for my baby girl. I fought like hell to protect him, she deserves the same.

SW2613's picture

Visitations have been my concern as well. I have told him that if we do divorce that he can see her any time he wants alone with no over nights and could even come over right after work and stay til we put the baby down and will go with him to take her visit his family when he wants as long as he doesn't ask for more custody. My feeling is also that I didn't cause the divorce as I've been an amazing wife and mother, so why the hell should I lose any time with her? He says he understands that and would never try to fight me for her because I don't deserve and he knows he won't win.