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Need advice please and support

SW2613's picture

My DH and I have been married for almost 6 years. Almost immediately after we got together, SS at the time 4 now 10 started living with us the majority of the time. We didn't just battle in court for BM to have little or no visitation it was an all out war. She is an untreated bipolar and god knows what else and just a horrible parent and human being for so many reasons but that's not my current problem. She has been out of the picture for going on 3 years now on her owe accord. I've been raising him as my own, and he sees it that way as well. SS has been in therapy since he was 4 as he has always had mood issues and sociopathic red flags. He has caused us so much trouble with his lying, manipulating, stealing, sneaking, conniving, and his lack of remorse even though he knows what he is doing is wrong and makes the conscious decision to do it any way. He has stabbed girls in school with pencils or more than one occasion. By 1st grade he had already had over 24 behavior reports, 5 detentions, a 3 day suspension, and a suicide referral for saying he would bring a gun to school and shoot himself. In the most recent years, he received more suspensions, but also, when asked in class to write a "How to" book on any topic and he wrote "how to make a bomb", he showed interest in the Sandy Hook shootings, and the day we brought our daughter home from the hospital he brought a knife to school. His pediatrician even told us that we need to get him help because "he's the type of kid who would shoot up a school". She sent us to a new dr for a new psychiatric evaluation. We explained our concerns then she talked to him alone. He diagnosis was that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him and that DH and I had the problem and need a special type of parental counseling. He also manipulated her into thinking his speech was so bad when several specialists say he can speak perfectly well he just chooses to stutter when it serves him. Dh and I never felt comfortable letting our baby girl sleep in her crib as we didn't trust him. Every time we was around her, he made me so uncomfortable and anxious. Finally I had enough when during my daily inspections of his room, I found the nail file off of nail clippers hidden under his bed. DH thought I was overreacting but I just had it with feeling so unsafe in my own home. I told him that they had to leave. SS was standing behind him smirking. We were separated for 2 weeks. DH called me and said that he was finally ready to bring him to a hospital for serious help as over the 2 weeks, he had several outbursts threatening to hurt himself or others. He asked if he could come home so his family wouldn't find out and help check him in. I agreed. SS had touched one of his friends on his privates before so the hospital didn't allow him to share a room even with cameras and nurses everywhere. They kept him for only 6 days as they were only a stabilizing hospital. A psychologist recommended a boys home 15 mins away from our house where he would live Sunday night through Friday afternoon and come home on the weekends. They would send him to school, he lives in a dorm room with 10 other boys his age, they have games, tvs, pets, and most importantly therapists every day and a psychiatrist who goes there 3 days a week. Luckily they accepted him and he started immediately. He continued to act in uncomfortable ways with the baby. He rubs her chest, pulls up her shirt or dress, tries to watch us change her, if she's standing up playing he pulls her shirt to make her fall onto his lap, and he doesn't stop when we tell him to. Halloween night, DH was holding the baby on the couch and tickling her. SS was sitting right next to him and out the corner of my eye I could see him trying to make sure no one could see him as he began to touch her private area on top of her clothes. I was so disgusted and in shock all I said was "OK time for bed time baby girl" and brought her to her room. I told DH that night that I no longer feel comfortable having him being around her anymore. He cannot be controlled as he doesn't obey anything, doesn't stop anything when we tell him to, he lies, and never does what we tell him to do and if he could touch her with us right there, what could he do when he's supposed to be in his room or sleeping. Since then, DH has been staying with other people on weekends. I dread the weekends and holidays because it means we won't be together. I have suffered so much because of SS and I refuse to let her be his next victim. Over a dozen people that know him say that they see that he is dangerous. Dh told his dad what happened and he said that he wasn't surprised that he touched her and that it is obvious something is seriously not right with him. I cannot nave him around my daughter, I can't even look at him now, but it really hurts not having Dh with me and the baby. Does anyone have any ideas?

SW2613's picture

When he was 6, he told us that BM touched his penis. He showed Dh on himself how she did it, and he kind of stroked it back and forth like 2x. We discussed the importance of telling the truth especially here as she could go to jail. He said he was telling the truth. DCFS came to our house to talk to us and him. After she spoke alone with him, she asked us what we thought happened. She started laughing as we told her. We thought she was just a royal bitch, but now I believe it's because he lied and told her some bullshit. The pediatrician sent us to a special department of children's hospital that deals with abuse. A Dr examined him and discussed with him what happened. He told them she had gloves on then beat him on his toe with a spiked chain until there was blood every where. He admitted to us that he lied to them but that she still touched. Charges weren't pressed because we couldn't my prove intent, and he wold be an awful witness.
Her attorney and the law students that were appointed to represent SS's interests in the custody case, after they spoke to him alone, felt that he was coached and that I likely was behind it.

To this day, I don't know what happened. BM is such a piece of shit that I wouldn't be shocked if it was true. Her family is so screwed up that her step dad had sequel relationships with her 2 other sisterside and everyone knew. When he got cancer and died, they all act like he was a saint and best father ever. Like I said, SS touched a friend of his. He also undresses all of his stuffed animals. He has goofy plush whose pants can't stay up anymore because he pulled them down so much.

Dh has showed no anger or anything towards ss. They have been having fun guy time watching football and running around town. I on the other hand have been met with so much anger every time we discuss the issue. He one time in a argument said that he thinks I hate ss so much that I saw what I wanted to see. He has since recanted, but I don't feel like he is with me on this.

SS has been diagnosed with adhd. No mental disorder has formally been diagnosed, but they treat him with bipolar meds, and they have discussed treating him for OCD tendencies.

Rags's picture

SW,

Time to get an RO against SS, put this kid in an inpatient lockdown facility where he can get the help he needs until he is emancipated and then if he has not made adequate improvement never allow him into your home or to be alone with you or your daughter ever again. And yes, get a concealed carry permit because as this toxic evil child grows up he will become ever more a threat to the health and safety of your family. Better cautious and safe than trusting and dead with a person like SS. No need to be a weekend news story.

I understand that your DH's heart is breaking for his son and that DH wants to believe what is best of his son. However offering up his infant DD and his bride on a silver platter to be the sexual abuse victim for his toxic and tragically sick son and the wicked SM target to assuage his own guilt and to maintain some fantasy that his son is just a misunderstood victim of your delusions is just asinine IMHO. This borders on enabling at best and facilitating at worst.

Time for SS to move on and move out. I get that he is a kid but DH needs to be the steadfast protector of his infant daughter and his marriage.

IMHO of course. Good luck and take care of you baby and yourself.

Rags's picture

It would get him out of the house and far away from the baby. At least that was the intent I had in mind.

SW2613's picture

We have been attempting to separate him from the baby since she was born. He does not listen. He is beyond control at this point. There is not a single thing we tell him to do or not do that he obeys. Dh has to sit in the bathroom as he bathes to make sure that he is actually cleaning himself properly. SS also gets out of bed in the middle of the night and roams the house. He hoards snacks, steals stuff from other rooms, and last christmas he even found and opened half of his presents and brought some of them to school and hid the rest under his bed. We put a loud self closing baby gate in the hallway leading to her room which is also right next to ours. Still not feeling comfortable, I attached bells to the gate. I also started closing her door all the way because when opened it makes a very loud noise that would hopefully wake me up. A friend of mine even suggested locking her bedroom, but I just don't feel that is safe in case of fire or other emergency. I even have 2 baby monitor cameras that pan and zoom, one over her crib and one facing the door. I cannot live in constant fear and sleep with 1 eye open while her is here. It just isn't fair to me anymore. He touched her with us in the room for christ sakes. Nowhere is safe he always finds a way to do whatever he wants to do.

The only mental hospitals that take children around here are ones that are for stabilization between a week to 30 days maximum stay. If there was an in patient facility/therapeutic school that either takes insurance or is basically little to no money, I would think dh would be on board. However, the only boarding school type places other than the boys' home where he is now, cost a fortune like $25-50k! We lived in New Orleans and since Katrina mental healthcare especially for children is almost nonexistent.

SW2613's picture

SS is gone. He lives in a boys' home d ur in the week then dh has been taking him other places for the weekend and holiday. After it happened, I told dh ss had to go. They spent the 1st weekend at a friend's house then they stayed in the house we just moved from since we had it til the end of the month. This weekend they evidently will stay at dh's brother's house. All of his kids are grown up so there are no kids to worry about there.

However, we've had a trip planned for months. My parents rented a cabin in the mountains 10 hrs away for 12/28-1/3. As it stands now, it seems as though baby girl, the dogs, and I will be going alone. I have been asking dh to try to talk to the home to see if they can keep him, but he just huffs and puffs about it. As it stands now, he gets 72 uninterrupted hours with SS a week now and only gets around 15 hours a we ek with baby girl. I hope he can try to work something out so we can go on the trip. SS has ruined every holiday and the very few vacations we've ever gone on due to the severe lack of money caused by the custody case and his care. I would love to have a nice damn time for once.