The step world is really such a set up. I strongly believe when you stop wanting acceptance from these step kids things gets better. The days I reacted to what the step kids said, or how often hubby completely defends them are long gone. I know how to play the fiddle now. I never tell hubby when SS26 acts funny, I ignore it. In fact I expect a cold hello, to be treated like an outsider when we go out to a restaurant. I can honestly tell you I have the lowest expectations of my adult step children. I stop giving my hubby grief. I decided I want a happy home. I will completely block out all the step rubbish.

And it worked. Coupled with talks from his friends and a loving quiet home, things started changing. Our relationship is much stronger. Only this christmas my SS26 + SS30 decided they wanted Xmas in our home, with their Mother and them cooking Christmas lunch. Of course my first reaction was of horror. But I contained it. I asked hubby what his thoughts were. He was not happy to spend Christmas with his ex. I told him, 'the boys are so kind and loving - however I do not think our relationship is ready for that. Also I feel uncomfortable for them to do the cooking'. The fact I said the boys were kind and loving ... brought instant easy to my hubby. He agreed with me totally. He told the boys that would not be possible. It was decided the boys would go to their Mummy for Christmas, and they will have pre Christmas dinner with us. Again, they wanted to cook in our house. I was so proud of my hubby when he stood his ground and said no. This was the first time ever I have seen him blatantly stand up for me. In fact as I suggested, we are eating out in a restaurant.

Things has moved on. Especially when you think 2 years ago, he actually expected me to jump if his 'boys' said so. His 'boys' had convinced him that I was lazy, even tough I was having chemotherapy. My home is now filled with absolute love. I made a decision never to argue about 'his boys', never allow them to step out of boundary and to make sure my relationship with my hubby is happy. I married their Father not them. It has worked. It was hard to do, but it paid off.

I forgot to add, off late, they always say hello to me. Occasionally the actually talk to me. Rome was not built in a day.

Dillusioned, I am glad to hear someone takes our view. I always think, if someone was saying anything negative about my son how would I react, even if what they were saying was true. With that in mind, I put myself in my hubby's position. It is really hard, I have to hold my breathe, drink a glass of wine but I have found that this methods not only makes our household easier, it gives me a communication line with my hubby. He does not feel attacked and is then prone to listening to a good argument. It does not matter if I mean it. I just want to have his ears and not feel attacked.

'His boys' yes he always says that, are always innocent, not resentful or difficult. I am not contesting that, but over time one son's particular behaviour has got him thinking. That is all I need, to plant the seed. I can honestly tell you that I believe that particular son is not going to take our Christmas arrrangment lightly. I am sure he will rise again. He wants to spend Christmas at our house with his Dad and brother. He cannot tolerate me cooking as that is his Mother role. That is why they have opted out to do the cooking. I can be there but in the corner not taking part. I am sure he will come out with something. I am waiting for his little kicks, I give it 2 days. I can tell you I have my back up plan.

I take the view, no matter how mad, upset, rejected you feel try and calm down show love and understanding to your hubby, after all it was those feelings that got us together. When we turn foul mouthed, attacking children in their mind the choice is easy.