Ok, I’m just going to make this as short as possible. My three step kids each have health issues. SD11 has a tree nut allergy, SS8 has asthma and eczema, SS6 has asthma an iron deficiency and breathing issues. Each has medication and creams for their skin. I nag and nag and have my own DD7 and DS2 that I have responsibility for. Plus, I work full time and run my own business on the side. I am a busy mom. DH works half as much as me, so we have had several talks about the things he needs to take on as his responsibility and what things I am going to worry about so that I don’t become too overwhelmed doing everything and remembering everything for 5 children. When it comes to my step kids, I have stopped nagging my DH and have just trusted that he is doing what he needs to do for his kids’ health.

Now, bio mom has not always been the mom that puts her children’s health as a priority. In fact, there was a time when DH and I were first married where she actually had a period of time where she could not emotionally take care of the kids and so DH and I had to take them full time. It was then that I took them to the Dr and got them caught up on shots, where were years behind. I took them to the dentist; two of them had never been before at all. I enrolled them in school etc. etc. etc. I orchestrated homework, bed time, brushing teeth, putting on lotion, etc. etc. etc. I finally got burned out, resentful, and bitter feeling that both my DH and bio mom were lazy parents.

Bio mom moved back to the same state as us, got re-married and now has been much more involved with her children’s education and health. So I just let DH handle the boys’ health and medicine, and sometimes remind him or ask if he has been doing it.
Last night, we got an email from bio mom pissed that SS8’s skin is horrible and that it is every time he returns to her house. She lays on the guilt trip pretty thick, by sending pics of his legs to us. She is pissed that SS6 continually comes to her house with shirts too small for him and most recently without his winter coat, and assumes that we don’t buy clothes for him. Truth is, I buy clothes for the kids and he keeps picking out the clothes that don’t fit because we have not had time to go through them and eliminate the ones that don’t fit. I also frequently tell him to change his outfits, but if I am not around DH doesn’t notice and just lets him wear whatever. She is pissed that SS6 has not had his iron supplement while we were on vaca because DH forgot to pack it, but did pack all other medication, so it was just an accident. Her email was paragraphs long. I totally understand her frustrations and agree with her. What frustrates me is the tone of her email and that it lacks any grace. While I get the DH needs to be more attentive to these things, I am frustrated that she acts like she doesn’t make mistakes and has always been the perfect parent when in fact, I was the one picking up the slack for so long. She also acts as if she has told us repeatedly these things when this is the first I am hearing of it.

Also, I believe in raising responsible kids. For that reason, I don’t think it is unreasonable to hold an 8 year old accountable for speaking up his legs are horrible, and isn’t he old enough to put lotion and cream on himself? My DD7 was putting her lotion on at age 4. All my s-kids are very immature for their age, and it’s because they are babied and don’t have to do anything for themselves. With 5 kids, I expect the older ones to at least do the things for themselves that they can so that I can focus my caretaking on the 2 year old who cannot do things for himself. My DD7 is the most helpful and reliable kid in the house, and its because I have been raising her that way.

So anyway, I don’t know how to respond to her ranting or if I should at all. How much responsibility is actually mine? I want to tell her that she hasn’t been the most proactive parent until recently so I’d appreciate some grace for DH. I don’t even know why I was included on the email in the first place.