All 4 kids at our house, 2 bios, 2 skids get 250.00 each for Christmas gifts.
I don't care what BM or EX spends on them...not my problem. If they want to bringit over to our house and show it to each other, that's great. BUT, our budget is our budget and no one gets extras.
I would do the same if I were in your shoes, treat the boys the same, they won't remember the toy set they got for Christmas when they were 11, but they will remember they were loved equally and treated equally by you and your DH and that is what matters.

"My husband essentially told them "Don't worry about what other people get. Just be damned happy you got ANYTHING. A lot of kids don't. Learn some gratitude". End of conversation."

this. totally.

my sister and i never "gift counted" to see if we were even. some years i might have gotten a bigger gift than she did and vice versa which might have ended up in fewer but more quality gifts.

It's unlikely they'll let him take any of "their" stuff home with him, on the chance that they do BS10 is old enough to understand that he has a second family who also gives him gifts for Christmas. If you do compensate the 10 year old, it might turn into a rivalry between the two, sure both boys got the same amount all together but your BS gets more from you and his father which SS might come to resent.

Why not buy your son more? I know that's not the popular opinion but look at it this way:

BS has a mom (you) and a dad (your DH).

SS has a mom (BM) and a dad (your DH).

We always say, "Well, skids have two families giving them gifts", no?

If each bio parent buys their child X number of gifts then they'll both get 2x. If you and your DH buy each child X number of gifts then your DS gets X and SS gets 2x. This would mean the same number of gifts for each child from DH, then you adding gifts for your BS and SS gets gifts from his BM.

That being said, I think it's ridiculous how some people try so hard to make everything 'even" because unless you get them the exact same gifts every time it never will be. As long as one kid isn't getting a toothbrush and package of socks while the other gets a robot and a drum set, what's the big deal?

I would just explain reality....When you compare there is always a winner and a loser,,,,the situations are not the same to begin with....Your marriage is in tact and your bs has the privilege of having both his mother and his father with him full-time engaging in his life, hopefully in peace and without strife.

Your step children are in the middle of their homes being broken in half. In order to see both their parents they have to go back and forth to different households. Although it may appear like they get more than they normally would for birthdays, christmas, ect..than the kid from a in=tact home...reality is,,,no materialistic gifts can make up for the broken relationship of their parents and all that that implicates,,,,(many of them bitter and hate each other)...I would much rather have both of my parents in a loving home... than a new gameboy any day....you know what I mean?

You are not comparing the right issue to show your children how much more privileged they really have it....presents do not equate, or affirm a person's worth...unfortunately, most parents from broken marriages do not get that....they end up trying to "buy" their children's love and loyalty instead of giving them the gift of seeing the two of them get along for once..and not forcing the kid to be put ion the middle of their grief all the time....The step kid really ends up losing more than any of us...the security that comes from his parents staying together and loving each other has been taken away...and that effects their identity and their core being....no christmas present is going to come close to replacing that....and when parent's try to use presents to fill the void...they just end up creating entitled, confused, messed up adults who have a hard time functioning in this world....all because of the parents failure to begin with.....Enjoy your family while you are still in tact and give your child the best possible christmas present they could have...Two parents who love them and love each other....all the money in China cannot buy that.....or compete with it....

i don't believe everything needs to be equal - not even in the same house and not at the same time. I believe that each child and situation is different and as parents we need to make the best decisions we can make in the moment. For example, we have 4 kids (2 bios and 2 skids) and each is an an extra curricular activity but my daughter has talent for the piano also so she's also enrolled in piano while the rest are only in one activity. Last week we went shopping and SD is big into beading and she found necklace clasps and blue glass beads that she's been looking for forever, and we bought them for her but didn't buy anything for the other three. As long as the children feel there is equality, and that they will get their piece of the pie, you can keep the ugly green monster at bay. I believe that most items should be kept with the parent that purchased the item, but if the child is really excited about it then they usually carry it between homes. Inevitably, your SS will come over with 'one' thing that he's pretty psyched over and If your BS really wants one of his own (probably some piece of electronic based on their ages) then you should consider buying one for your BS. Maybe then you can buy them a game that they can sync with and bond over - at least that's how I would handle this situation,

No dilemma. Just tell BS the facts. SS has a different mom and grandparents who give him presents.

End of conversation.

Merry Christmas.

I've been in the same boat with skids BM and extended family getting skids extravagant gifts. I can deal with that - different household, family, etc. What really pisses me off in our house at Christmas is my DH's parents who buy expensive gifts for their grandkids (my skids) and then buy junk "presents" for my children (their step grandkids.) What is sad is the junk presents came after I got upset and complained to my DH that they had bought stuff for the skids and gave it to the skids infront of my children on a "family" weekend trip we took with them. When DH asked about it they feigned that they didn't understand how step families work. This year I have had enough and told my DH to tell his parents to forget about my kids and that they are not welcome in our house at Christmas. They have shown on numerous occasions that they don't want to be anything to do with my children. That's really hard to explain to my children, especially when they have watched my parents accept my DH's kids without issue. These people should be family...

I used to love the holidays and family get togethers... These last few Christmases have been downright miserable.