New baby on the way and stepson all summer, help!
I have a bio son who is eight now and lives with my husband and I full time. My son has made leaps and bounds over the years and has currently made honor roll. Before this year we use to see my step son every weekend, school breaks, and three nights a week during the school week. Since my husband an I have been married we have been to court with stepsons bio mom and she took away all of our time because she wanted to shack up with boyfriend in a different state. We now live very far from my SS due to a military move and our time with him is limited to the entire summer. Last summer was our first full summer with him not having the interference of his bio mom constantly bashing us to him and manipulating him to hate us. His behavior last summer was so horrible, my son and I needed to seek counseling in order to deal with the drastic changes that took place as a result of his visit. Different rules because he is emotionally abused by his mom,he gets away with everything my bio son doesn't because he's barely with us anymore, discipline is non existent out of fear bio mom will say we are the ones that are abusive, and every day my husband and I fought over his behavior.
I stayed at home with both children all summer and dealing with them both was more than I could handle. SS is six now and his aggressive behavior and fits were unbearable to say the least. If my son didn't get out of bed when he demanded he would bite him while he was still sleeping. He would hit my son over the back of the head with whatever he could find if he didn't get his way. This took up all my energy and focus. I didn't get to spend any time at all with my son while SS was staying here because if I took my eyes off of my SS for one second he was hitting, biting, screaming, breaking things, running off in stores, throwing things off of shelves when he didn't get what he wanted, the list goes on. Not one day went buy that I had a good report for my husband when he came home.
Here's the slammer, I'm pregnant and expecting a whole two weeks before my SS comes again for another summer. This time is the longest time we have gone without seeing him. He is horrible after only being with his mother a few days. Well, now he will have been with her almost nine months. She is bi polar and a narcissist and programs my SS to be what she wants him to be. We are even nervous to tell him he's having another sibling out of fear of her actions towards it all.
What am I going to do about this transition with a new baby? My son is doing so much better now that he doesn't have to deal with the constant nerve wrecking behavior and now we are putting a new baby on top of it all.
This is a great time for my husband and I because we wanted to have a child the "right way" and embrace this one last time. I will be having my tubes tied after this one and am so scared that my SS is going to destroy these precious memories we are so anxiously waiting to have. How do I handle it when we need the money that we would be out on for daycare? How do I deal with SS and baby all summer?
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How are you going to handle
How are you going to handle another visit Bltnye? Do you have a different plan in place?
What is interesting here is
What is interesting here is his kindergarten teacher has sent us messages from thousands of mile away explaining his overwhelming sense of intelligence but his horrible behavior in class. She has stated that he has tried to leave the school on several occasions because he wanted to "be with his dad". My SS is troubled and there is nothing we can do for we have tried everything we can from a far like this. His Bio Mom is a classic case Narcissist with a very short temper who lives out her life maintaining perfection and forcing SS to live up to her higher standards. The emotional abuse he feels is constant and very well hidden. When he comes here he displays a sense of golden child syndrome mixed with uncontainable angers and screaming fits that can last up to four hours if he doesn't get his way (I've recorded them).
Put both boys in summer
Put both boys in summer camp.
An 8 year old really allowed a 5 year old to get away with all of that? :?
My 8 year old doesn't want to
My 8 year old doesn't want to hurt his kid step brother. He tells me that he is afraid of what might happen if he hits back. We have resorted to separating them when it gets close to "outrage" to avoid issues. But sometimes my SS sneaks into my BS bed and starts biting him if he doesn't wake up. This is just another example of things happening when I can't see it or prevent it. We're three months away from the visit and have no plans on mitigating the disaster.
This pregnancy was TOTALLY
This pregnancy was TOTALLY unexpected. We're happy about it but like you said bringing her into this mess is a serious issue. I love the little guy and want what's best for him too, but it is coming at a cost that is cresting the "too high" margin. Even my husband is anxious about his visit.
I think Tog is a little harsh
I think Tog is a little harsh but she has a point. This brat could be a serious danger to both of your kids... especiall the newborn. Your DH has to lay down the hammer and get him straightened around FAST. Too bad you couldn't get super nanny to come stay for the summer!
Why did your DH agree to
Why did your DH agree to having the kid all summer? Why not for a month or a couple of weeks? He works outside of the home and daycare is not feasible financially. I understand that the "summer visit" type of schedule is standard, but if it doesn't work, why do it?
Your DH essentially went from being the non-custodial parent to a full-time parent for 1/4 of the year. As a wife, I wouldn't go for that. Did you agree to him being a full-time parent for 25% of your year/life simply because BM moved and that schedule is "standard" since kids are in school? You are bending to make YOUR LIFE fit around a schedule created by the education system. You are saying that first grade is more valuable than YOUR time. What kind of foolishness is that?
I can't imagine why people agree to summer vacation visitations like this. It is a disruption to your household! This kid is a terror, and you, the woman of the house, are supposed to care for an unruly child for months each year because his mother moved.
Nope. You don't have to care for this kid. And the dad can shorten the visits. Why can't the kid come several times per year for UP TO 2 weeks at a time? ...just like any other VISITOR... the kid doesn't live with his dad... he visits. I have never heard of a visitor staying for 2-3 months.
Or maybe Dad can get or pay for Skype at both houses so that he could have more consistent and meaningful interaction with the kid?
Maybe Dad can take trips to see the kid in the city the kid lives in. If tickets are purchased in advance, and hotels booked with coupons, why couldn't Dad use the money spent during summer vacation (and wife's resulting therapy) on bi-monthly extended weekends near his child?
Why can't the Dad take the kid out of school for a few days every quarter and fly him to your home for a 4-5 day visit? He's young, and he's not missing much in school.
I'm just throwing out some ideas that may be helpful. Your man is causing emotional pain to his wife to accommodate a schedule made up by a school system and given to him because of BM's re-partnering.
I see zero reason for you to feel guilty about not allowing this to happen in your home. If the situation were different (and DH could control his damn kid) you could compromise. But since it's not, insist on the sanity and peace of you and yours.
I'm sorry I have not
I'm sorry I have not responded to your posts! I never received any messages in my in box that I had replies!
Still in the ringer here, a month from due date on new baby and two months from SS being here.
The family care plan here was put into place a few years ago and Bio Mom moved withing months of the hearing. About 17 months after she moved out of state we received military orders to move even farther away. Due to our location it costs us about $2,000.00 just to get him here and another $2,000.00 to get him home. So summer vacations are the only time we get to see him now.
We use to have him about %80 of the time before all of these moves. The behavior wasn't nearly as bad then. Except when he was a toddler he use to pee his pants and scream bloody murder (kicking, biting, and fighting to not leave)anytime he saw his mother pull into the drive to pick him up after he had been with us for several days.
Daycare is not affordable. But I have thought about making some sort of compromise with the hubby to place him into daycare one or two days a week just to ease the stress.
I didn't mention that I will be going into my last two college classes for my degree this summer and testing for my psychology cert. while watching all three children. HELP!!!!! :jawdrop:
Yeah, tell me about it. I've
Yeah, tell me about it. I've extended my leash to help aid in this mess so that my son has some peace while SS is here, but being that we are all in the same boat for several months now vs. just a few days at a time, I'm truly at my wits end in watching my son have to deal with this.
As for the military, my husband is fearful of placing his son in the daycare on base due to his behavior. My husband is a very important person on base and having his son act out is the last thing he wants.
I've thought about sending my son to stay with family members throughout the summer months while SS is here too. But then all of our family vacations (which are disasters anyways) would have to be cancelled and all of our relatives that are coming to see the new baby will not get to spend time with my son.
I don't want my son to feel like he's getting shorted, even though he most likely feels that way anyways.
My question is, is there anything I can do to mitigate the problems and still save my perfectly functioning family(that has no fights, no stress, and no worries)when SS is not here?