Help on disengaging needed?
I just read csong40's post and realized this has hit me at the heart of my delimna, when I disengage, as I am doing even as we speak, I'm concerned that they will not get the discipline that they need or guidance. I never know what I'm going to walk back into when I get home, which will be late tonight.
He has decided to have his skids for this week. No activities for the skids home alone with him and sibling arguments between sd8 and ss11. I decided to disengage because I do not get supported when I discipline ss11. ss11 is allowed to talk back to me, tell me to be quiet. Say many things to me that are unnecessary. unless of course, I ask him a question like do you want some food, to which he gives no response. DH will spend time with ss11 playing video games while sd8 will be bored to tears and more than likely get in trouble. I did have to admit we've seen them more than I'd like lately. dh travels and I don't see him much, I manage renovations at house and etc etc and he comes home, picks up kids and proceeds to let me take care of them. so I decided NO, I'm going to the gym after work tonight, get home 8:30. tomorrow I'm going to movies with girlfriend, wendesday another gym night. thursday I work they should be dropped off at home prior to me getting there. I have had enough. He will call each day to see when I'm coming home. He will wonder what's for dinner. that I'm expected to pay for and make and serve and clean up after.
I feel bad for leaving sd8 to fend for herself in this hostile environment, however, I cannot have his relationship with her for him, can I?? I feel guilty even talking about it, like I'm doing something bad. I'll get a sad response on the phone. But after getting yelled at in the car by both dh and ss11, I've had enough. I have no family here to run to and I felt totally ganged up on. Do you think I'm everloving going to PAY for this little ****'s dinner? NOT THIS WEEK. Am I wrong to abandon, I can't figure it out.
who will open dh's ever closed eyes? How and is this possible? Anyone? Can a man racked with guilt ever open his eyes?? Will this work out? I am close to leaving because of his idiocy.
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Nope you are making all the
Nope you are making all the right moves in my book. 12 years of experience here and my only real regret is waiting too long to make a stand and show that my ability to cause discomfort equivalent to what they are causing me outweighs their ability to ignore their responsibilities.
I think you are doing the
I think you are doing the right thing too. Let him handle HIS kids. I am a full time step mom. I'd hate to admit, but before I put my foot down, DH did NOTHING for SS9. It was like I was the only parent (since BM doesn't have much to do with SS). My DH didn't open his eyes until I left him a couple of months ago with the intent to divorce. It only took 2 1/2 weeks of doing things on his own to realize what was really happening (as far as finding out how disrespectful ss is, how dirty the house got, no clean clothes, bills being paid, taxi cab to haul ss around, ect.). I did go back. In order to disengage you are going to have to let DH take care of things without your input, and you will need to stop "caring so much". Its really hard to do, but that is what you need to do to be able to disengage. I am much happier now that I've fully stepped back.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
Thank you, I hope I can do
Thank you, I hope I can do this. It is a little tricky since there is no schedule, we have to work around his travel schedule. I feel like I'm going to have to kind of go away every time they are there because if I'm home, he relies on me so much. I can handle this week because I'm at work, but the weekends, tougher. I am afraid that if I back off I will destroy the good relationship I have with sd8. We do lots of things together and she is very well behaved and likes me.
You did ask about the
You did ask about the down-side...one of those is there may not be a parent/child type of bond...if that's an issue for you. I don't think that's even possible in many step situations...they say a typical parental bond (step) takes about 7 years...so with an 8 year old, you can expect at 15 she might see you as a parent. I don't know if I believe it...I had a parental bond with my SD from a previous at 4 and I met her when she was 3...it all depends on the child and the situation. I say whatever works for everyone...and I should point out too...the relationship with one step child does not have to be exactly the same with another. They should all be treated as individuals IMO. My first go-around SD and I had a great relationship...NOT the case with SS and he didn't want it...but she totally loved it.
Understand how you feel I
Understand how you feel I will find reasons to stay at work. So I dont to go home and eat dinner with the SK's.
I dont' necessarily want to
I dont' necessarily want to be their parent, I just want to enjoy my life and enjoy the time I have here. She and I enjoy spending time together and cooking and baking etc. She even helps sweep the kitchen floor, probably temporary as she is only 8!! but who knows. This disrespect and anger(internal and external) is taking away a lot of joy.