Help me. Teen SS is so unmotivated
Hi. I am new to the forum. My DH and I recently got custody of his two teen sons, 16 and 17. The older one (OS) was bullied at school and has issues with BM. They no longer talk. He is very social, outgoing, and generally a nice guy from what I can tell. The younger one (YS) is very quiet and introverted, but pretty much does what he needs to do.
My problems are mainly with the older one. I am a doctor, and have always been highly focused and motivated. This kid is so lazy, he hardly does his homework, doesn't work hard at wrestling, and I just don't know how he is going to succeed at college. He often misses curfew, and when I ground him he becomes very disrespectful and manipulative with me. On the other hand, he seems to be very open with me and talks to me about his stressors, his social life, and his love life. He has told me about 2 occasions on which he drank too much, but didn't drive. I don't like this, but I remember what it was like and I understand. I tell him about the dangers of alcohol, but want to keep the lines of communication open so he will feel comfortable calling me if he has too much to drink, so he doesn't drive. I know he drinks occasionally but I do not think he does very often. He has told me he tried pot twice but didn't like it. He has also talked to me about having sex with his GF. He has asked me about birth control and what kids are best, and how to get them. He says they have not done it yet, and that he is a virgin.
In our house, DH is, of course, the main disciplinarian. If we disagree on the rules, his voice wins. I chose to have it this way, since they are his kids. But I want them to respect me.
Of course, when I tell them to do things- clean your room, do your homework, etc.. i may as well be talking to a wall. They do the same to DH often, until he uses scary DAD voice.
Their grades are OK, but not as good as I would like. I just don't understand the directionless lack of purpose or motivation.
Are these normal teen things or should I worry?
I am 41 and never had kids of my own. I love these two as if they were my own and I will be their biggest cheerleader and supporter until the day I die. But I thank the good LORD I did not have kids of my own because this is not my thing!
Thanks!
I agree completely with tog.
I agree completely with tog. I have tried for years to influence my skids with absolutely no results. SS17 is most likely going to be a high school dropout any day now. DH and I are very education oriented but that doesn't matter to Skids. BM lies and manipulates to get what she wants in life and skids are choosing that path instead of ours.
The key to teen Skid
The key to teen Skid motivation that worked for us during the unmotivated Skid teen years is the concept of the beck and call boy/chore bitch. If the Skid does not want to do what he should be doing when he should be doing it he can be your chore bitch.
When my skid decided he was not ready for college when he graduated from HS at 17 we gave him the option of living at home rent free if he had a job. We told him to get into any college he wanted to go to and we would pay for everything, get him a car, etc.... He had the grades in HS to go just about anywhere but he was mature enough to know that he was not ready and he told us that it would be a waste of our money for him to go to college. That is when we told him he cold live at home if he had a job..... not interested.
So we turned him into our beck and call boy/chore bitch. He cleaned, swept, mopped, vacuumed, dusted, polished, scrubbed, sliced, dices, chopped, cut, cooked, painted, sanded, stained, mowed, weeded, trimmed, edged, fertilized, mulched and when he got good at it all he did it more frequently and we kept adding more, and, more, and more. It started out with cleaning bathrooms once a week and ended with him scrubbing toilets every day. After 4 mos he decided being our beck and call boy/chore bitch was not his life's ambition so he signed up for delayed entry into the USAF until his particular specialty was available. We kept him very busy chore bitching until he reported for BMT.
It drove his mom and I insane. We are both graduate degreed professionals and his lack of motivation was aggravating to us beyond imagination. Give it a try. Your Skid will find his motivation. Our son is now 22, finished 3 out of a 6 year enlistment and is working on his BSCS. Not as quickly as his mom and I would like but he is working on it, making progress, thriving in the USAF, and as an added benefit he is providing it for himself through his employment.
Good luck. Your Skids will be fine. They have the example of you and their dad. Kids are smart. They eventually tend to choose following their strongest examples. At least that his how it has worked out for our son. His Sperm Idiot is a worthless POS serial out of wedlock breeder of entitlement spawn. He has 4 out of wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas. Our son is his eldest and our only.
If your 17yo can't keep his head out of his own ass then working his ass off as beck and call boy works wonders to give an unmotivated kid some clarity and to help them find their motivation.
Yep, 3 1/2 years now. He made
Yep, 3 1/2 years now. He made Sr. Airman a year ago and is up for Tech. Sgt. Probably won't get it this time probably next year. He is plugging away at his AS from CCAF and is also taking classes at Park U. on base at Goodfellow. He will probably get a chance to transfer to another base next year. He is hoping for either Dover or somewhere in Europe. Right now he is talking about doing 20 and wants to sign up for another 6 when he is closer to his first 6. I told him to get on the degree progression.
With the reduction in force activity he needs to keep his skills and advancing qualifications up.
Yes, time does fly. He was 18 when he reported to BMT and just turned 22.