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Marriage may be failing as a result of lack of relationship with SS

birdwhisperer's picture

Did anyone ever have a bad relationship with their step child, and then do something they regret because of the anger and intense instability they caused in your life?

I have a SS 14, who I have not got along with. I used to try in the beginning, but then over time I really got discouraged. He seemed to never like me, and his BM fed into this and my DH seem to justify and excuse it as “he is just a kid, you are supposed to take the higher road and be the adult.” Fast forward a few years later, things are really bad. I do not even really talk to my stepson, and when I do he will not even respond or look at me. We had a tough 2013 together the three of us, and my Mom passed in the fall of that year. My Mom was really nice to my SS, treated him as her own grandkid. However, when she passed my SS did not even say sorry for our loss to me or the rest of my family – just continued to ignore me, I had an incident around New Year’s where I blew up at him and started screaming in his face because he accused me of stealing money we later found. He never wanted to come to our house again, and my husband was mad. I tried to hold my tongue and say sorry, and not do anything else to him. He would exchange dirty looks with me and tell his father he felt “uncomfortable” around me, but I never again flipped on him. When I told my husband the stuff my stepson was doing, I would get “can’t you two just get along,” and he would do nothing to make me feel better or address the situation.

I would visit my Dad for the weekends we had SS to avoid the situation, or go shopping/clean/go to gym as much as I can on weekend. This drove a wedge between my husband and I – we stopped doing things together and he would ignore me when we did have time together. He would especially ignore me on weekends we had his SS. They play hours of Grand Theft Auto and First Person Shooter games together on Xbox when they are together , and I would just be there to cook, clean, and take up space in their realm.

I was so upset and had so much anger and built up resentment about the situation that I did something drastic that I now regret! I cyber bullied my SS – I basically used a app to text him and tell him he is an ugly loser and no one likes him at school. I did this around the anniversary of my Mother’s death because it just still struck a nerve with me till this day.

He told BM within a day of it happening, and she told DH he was being bullied via text. My husband went through my electronical stuff and found on my tablet that I did this, and was not happy. At the time, I told him why I did it and I did regret doing it after I had done it. I really do regret it, and I have to admit there was something more in me why this kid triggered such a bad response from me. I was emotionally abused by my parents (yelling was how they communicated with me) and as a child I was severed bullied by classmates and sexually assaulted by a boy in school at 12 years old, you don’t always get over that easily. Got beat up pretty bad once at 13 years old also - used to have beautiful long hair down to my waist and had to get a boy hair cut because some girls held me down and destroyed my hair at the bus stop near the scalp. I still freak out till this day when someone touches my hair. Anyway, I was on suicide watch in early high school for all the stuff that had happened to me. Prior to that, my family would tell me it is my fault for being picked on and would blame me, so I no longer told them what was going on. But, I have to confess, what my SS was doing kinda triggered me because of how bad boys his age were to me growing up, and he just reminded me of the kids who would pick on me. Also, the fact that as a child he is treated so much nicer than I ever was by those around me, and everyone always makes excuses for him and his moody, rude, unsanitary behavior also triggered me. I am not making excuses and I intend to try to make my relationship with my step son better, or at least try. But man – the kid pressed my buttons on so many levels, and my husband seemed to let him.

Anyway, my husband was not happy when he found out two weeks ago. I decided to make a conscious effort to try harder with my step son, and sit down and try to talk to him, so we wouldn’t have this anger thing going back and forth between us. I’ve reached out and extended an olive branch to the BM, who responded with “Im busy” and has yet to take up my offer to have a chat about improving the relationship between all of us (she has no idea I sent the text – I am just doing this to make amends in general).

My husband, however tells me this past Monday two weeks after this happened that he can’t get past this. He is sounding like he wants to divorce me, and not work on our marriage. I admit, we have had our ups and downs, and I am willing to put forth the effort I need to get past this including subduing my anger issues and confronting my past. I have spoke to a few others, and they are shocked he is going down the road of divorce and wanting to give up because I don’t get along with his son, and did this. They can tell I am truly remorseful and will not do this again, but my husband feels his trust has been violated and in some ways I guess he is choosing sides here.

What would you all do? Is my husband justified, or do you think he is taking this too far? Should he have stepped up and done something before this, and if so, what?

blueorblackink's picture

You bear the emotional scars of being bullied.... So you actively bully your step son?

I agree with your DH. You went after the kid. The main advice here is to ignore and disengage, not to provoke and attack. I get that the kid is a jerk, but you really should have been the adult and not acted in a harmful way towards him. All the step moms on here have revenge fantasies but NO ONE actually acts in a way that would harm a child. You did. This is your failure. I would be thinking divorce as well.

If you are willing to cyber bully him what else will you do? I wouldn't trust you around my child. I know that is harsh but your ACTIONS speak very LOUD. They tell your DH that you are willing to hurt his child.

Evil stepmonster's picture

I think you should have left him long ago for how he allows a child to treat his wife. You definitely have a right to be angry with your SS but I do think you took it a step to far with the bullying. From what you said about your past it really sounds like you could use therapy. Maybe getting away from this man and his nasty little son and working on you and learning to love yourself would be the best thing for you. I think your husband has a right to be pissed about this, but you have the same right to be just as pissed at his attitudes towards how his son is treating you. Good Luck.

Aeron's picture

Yes your husband is justified. You've lost it on his kid twice, once openly and once in a way you tried to hide. And it's telling that he almost immediately went through your electronics. What you did is inexcusable, regardless of your upbringing and your own traumas.

That said, your husband should have been parenting his kid. The you need to be an adult and take the higher road should have been slammed with you need to parent and teach your kid manners and respect for others. So his dad sucks as a parent. His dad sucks as a husband. Your option was to leave, to seek therapy, marriage counseling, really anything other than resorting to abusive behavior yourself.

I think it is far too easy to say he's doing this because you don't get along with his kid. I think it would be more accurate to say that if he files for divorce it's because he feels the need to protect his child from you and your unpredictable, potentially abusive behavior towards his minor kid. That is and would be an extremely hard this to get past. His kid may be a shit, but he's a minor and it's his dad's job to protect him. If you don't have a strong marital foundation of communication and trust, yeah, can totally see why he may feel a divorce is necessary.

Tones Of Home's picture

I would divorce you too. That is deplorable behavior, especially from someone who was bullied. You need therapy big time!

AllySkoo's picture

Yeah, I agree with others. I think divorce for you guys is probably best. Your DH needs to protect his child, the kid needs to not be around you, and you need to work through your issues before you can possibly have a healthy relationship with anyone else. (NOT marriage counseling - YOU need to work through your OWN PERSONAL issues before even thinking about your relationship with anyone else.)

Honestly, I'm kind of shocked that anyone is shocked your DH is thinking of leaving. If my biokid had a stepfather, and I found out step dad was cyber bullying him, I would start divorce proceedings that day. I could not possibly remain in love with someone who bullied a child, let alone MY child - it would completely kill any feelings I had for them.

ChiefGrownup's picture

The situation is beyond hope. He has no idea how to be a husband but he has a glimmer of how to father. The one thing he got right is drawing a line at tolerating a spouse going after his kid like that.

You felt desperate because he did not father his kid properly before that. Yup, that's on him. But you both let your marriage go down the drain while you used ineffective problem solving. And then you went bat shit crazy.

So what's left? Do you really love each other much at this point? Do you like each other? It's very telling that BM didn't know where the text came from but DH knew exactly where to check. You both have bad opinions of each other, anger, resentment, bad problem solving skills. The only thing you're hanging on to is the "idea" of marriage or the distaste of the "idea" of divorce. The reality is your marriage is beyond repair and both of you will be better off single.

The first thing you should do after finding a new house and signing divorce papers is to get yourself to counseling asap for anger issues, empowerment skills, better interpersonal skills, and general healing.

jeaniemarie's picture

Sorry that this happened to you. I know the feeling of being so angry that you want to get revenge, but it would have been better to just ignore the kid instead of cyber bullying him. I think the best thing for you to do is to move out, at least for now so you can get yourself together. Your marriage is probably doomed, but you can learn from this and get past it for yourself.

BTW, my fiance's son (22 years old) wrote some nasty stuff to me and about me on Facebook--saying that I don't have a "real" job and that I am immature. I admit that I snapped and wrote some really nasty stuff back to him. I immediately regretted it and deleted it, but the damage had been done. At least my fiance was understanding about it, because he knows his son has a tendency to push people until they snap. Plus I was having a really bad day, because I had just found out a friend of mine had been murdered. That doesn't excuse my behavior though. I am going to be starting counseling, and I will be asking for a referral to find anger management classes also. Like you, I was bullied in school, and was told by my family that it was all my fault. These kids can trigger us in ways we never dreamed of.

This does not make you a bad person. You can learn from this, get past it, and go on to have a happy life. I hope your next relationship is with a really great guy with Nea kids.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Jeanie, at 22 your ss was an adult. Plus you were reacting, not initiating an interaction. Very big of you to own the action anyway but it's really not in the same category as what op did, imo. Your advice was really good, just don't beat yourself up so hard.

BadStepMomMDFL's picture

That definitely went too far, but I do understand the anger and resentment. So many times before I left I wanted to tell my SS that all of this was his fault. You should have left before it came to that. Find a relationship that will bring you peace instead of conflict.

Cocoa's picture

yes, you went too far and you have some problems that you admit. your dh has never been much of a husband to you. let him go. in fact, gather what remaining shreds of dignity you have and leave. this situation is NOT good for you. your husband is very unsupportive of you and this situation could potentially be very dangerous for you. if you leave and he lets you go without attempting to help you work through this with a professional, and save your marriage, good riddance. a lot of men get married (ESPECIALLY divorced dads) with no intention of being a husband.

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

No matter how lousy skids and spouse are, you have no right to cyberbully.

If you are angry enough to do something that evil you need to get away from the situation.

I've been accused of stealing by SD when she was a teenager. She and my husband were both abominable to me but I just don't have the kind of meanness in me that it would take to strike back like that. Even if nobody would find out I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I was that mean.

SMH