Sd12- thorn in my bloody side

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Ok so DH and I recently got married but he split up form BM over 4 years ago. SS14 and I get on like a house on fire, he is a great kid. SD12 on the other hand has been very quiet and had asked BM if she could stay at home with her and not come to ours every other weekend. DH obviously said no to this as the court order states they come over to our place every other weekend.

SD12 left her phone open on the counter in the kitchen and I saw a text she had sent to her mother saying 'oh my god, 2 minutes into the car journey dad was going on about their wedding party UGGGGHHH'. ( we are having a wedding party here as we got married in my home country). BM replied 'stay strong my darling'. It pisses me off so much as DH does everything for those kids such as gifting the family home to BM and continuing to pay off her mortgage but I guess that is another story for another day. Sending this text to her mother really hurt both Dh's feelings and mine. I just feel gutted about it and feel that all SD12 does is run back to her mother bleating about how hard it is for her when the reality is, she wants for nothing.

So, we have just had the kids this past weekend and DH had a chat with SD12 as to why she was so quiet. She said she doesn't like coming to ours every other weekend and that she is struggling to accept that we are now a family and that I am her dad's wife and wants things to go back to how they were when her mum and dad were together. BM has a new partner but he doesn't live with them so I guess SD12 gets her mum all to herself there.

My question is really: how do we get SD12 to come to the table on our marriage and how do we stop her being a brat on this? I didn't split up her mother and fathers marriage. She just needs to get used to this and stop being lazy and brattish about coming to ours.

My concern is that going forward this kid is gonna cause serious problems.

Any advice welcome as I don't want to be really soft with her about it so she uses it as a stick to brat us with Xx

I feel for you! In our

I feel for you! In our situation, we have SD(now 14), who refuses to visit us, refuses to answer SO's phone calls and ignores all his messages.

She hates the fact that I'm in her Dad' life and still insists that he treat her as his equal and accord her mini-wife status. He is a disney dad who is trying to correct his parenting behaviour with her after counselling advice. She hates the fact that he now treats her equally to his Son. She is now 14, and SS is 12.

SS12 has never stopped visiting - enjoys spending time with us and is happy that his Dad is finally happy. SD - nope. She wants things to go back to "normal" where she was the woman of the house, who bossed SS around. Not gonna happen.

SO has had to let her go. It doesn't help that BM encourages and supports SD in her behaviour, as BM also believes that SO should "put his kids first - read, put BM first" and hates the fact that SS still visits us. This just showw everyone that the problem is not with us - but with them.

Your DH needs to sit her down and explain to her that you and he are a united front and aren't going anywhere. That all she needs to do is respect you and treat you accordingly - that is all. She doesn't have to like or love you - she can treat you how she treats her teachers at school.

Hopefully, then she can learn to adapt to and accept his relationshp with you.

Thanks HRNYC. Brattishness in

Thanks HRNYC. Brattishness in not wanting to come swimming, bike riding, not eating anything I cook even when it is her favourite, sent her mother a 'fathers day card' saying 'we don't need dad to have fun', demanding to be sent to private school rather than the same school as her brother and giving her dad the silent treatment because he is not giving in to her demands, refusing to exercise (at all).

I do agree with your points though, sometimes when you are in a situation you can't see the wood from the trees!

Thanks islandgal. DH is

Thanks islandgal. DH is pretty consistent in his parenting but I just don't want my marriage to be dominated by a 12 year old child and what she wants.

Don't allow her to. Your DH

Don't allow her to. Your DH has to shut her down each and every time she tries this. Only HE can do this unfortunately, because if you do - you'll be seen as the evil stepmom coming between daddy and his li'l girl.

I wish you all the luck in the world!! If it wasn't for counselling, I KNOW we would've failed because no way could I handle living in that situation. My Son's have been taught to respect their elders and they respect me and my choice in a partner. They would never try to manipulate me or emotionally blackmail me into leaving him. If they did - they would be in for a nasty surprise as well as a major lecture on learning boundaries!

Hang in there - you can do this!

Islandgal- I also have the

Islandgal- I also have the same issue in that SS is great, totally on board and happy, he and I get on great. SD is her mother's daughter that's for sure and because BM hates that we are now married so to does SD.

If it starts to seem too

If it starts to seem too much, I would recommend going to see a counsellor who specialises in blended families. We went to one who had over 7 years experience in dealing with blended families - and boy! did she open SO's eyes! It was awesome seeing him understand why SD was the way she was. He treated her like an equal and is now trying to fix it. She's fighting tooth and nail for him to live on his own so she can return - and this just won't happen.

Counsellor helped us establish boundaries and taught us how to handle her viciousness. What's helped me enormously is I no longer think about her or her Mom. I put them right out of my mind and let him deal with it - much, much easier for my peace of mind.

Having SS continue to come over is awesome for us! He gets along with all of us and we go bike riding, hiking, swimming, play table tennis, watch movies - and he loves it! This is awesome because by him coming over, he is showing that SO and I are good as a couple, he accepts us and is blending well.

SD on the other hand - chooses to disrespect her Dad if she can't control him and therefore, stays away.

Which, in the end, works out pretty well for us as we don't have to deal with a nasty, spiteful, vindictive teenager.

Take a chill pill Tommar - he

Take a chill pill Tommar - he didn't "see the light" because of me - he saw the light because of our very experienced counsellor, who specialises in blended amilies, is a professional and knows how to handle these situations.

He is absolutely a MAN - a MAN I respect and admire because of how he is trying to amend his parenting ways and be more of a Father to SD. She's old enough to understand and know that her attitude is disrespectful and arrogant - yet with her Mama's help - she will continue to expect her Dad to treat her as an equal and not as his child.

So - try to understand my posts before you go try and passing judgement - I am no professional - I have NO experience with blended families - so therefore, your ridiculous comment is moot.

Love how you try to get a rise out of me - it made me laugh because I know my situation and I'm comfortable with the advice of our counsellor.

Project much? How does this

Project much? How does this situation compare with your FIL and BIL? Was your BIL a mini-wife to your FIL? Did your BIL try to control your FIL's relationship?

SMH.

What do you mean HRNYC? I

What do you mean HRNYC? I don't label her, I just want her to deal with the fact that her dad and I are married and that it's not devils island at our house, her an her brother are loved and taken care of.

Here's a hint - try to ignore

Here's a hint - try to ignore HRNYC's comments - she's bored and loves to come on here to cause trouble. Don't feed the beast - ignore, ignore, ignore!

Oh please! spare me - HRNYC

Oh please! spare me - HRNYC is automatically supporting the SD without even trying to understand the StepMom's situation! As usual - it's always the steppers fault - never, ever the kid - whose negativity and attitude is being supported by her Mom. Instead of Mom saying "this is who your Father has chosen as his partner - trust him and learn to deal with it". Not the "awwww...hang in there precious..be strong.." like she's about to go off into a war zone!

Sheesh!

How about support for the OP whose looking on advice on how to cope with it all???

I think the dad is the cause

I think the dad is the cause of a lot of these problems. You yourself said your DH kind of made SD the woman of the house and treated her as an equal. Now he's not doing that and she, as should've been expected, doesn't like it. Did you really expect her to throw a joyful celebration over these new changes? You can make all the excuses you want- "he did the best he could in a bad situation"-maybe he is just a crappy parent.

How annoying!

She certainly is. I'm

She certainly is. I'm convinced she's a BM who just comes on here to cause trouble.

Best way to treat her posts - is to ignore them.

IMHO HRYNC is nothing but a

IMHO HRYNC is nothing but a shit stirrer who passes judgement on steppers coming on here to vent.

I don't know where you got the idea that I've called you a troll - because I haven't. However, I don't agree with your comment about putting kids first - but we are all entitled to our opinions now, aren't we!

According to our Counsellor - the dynamics of a successful relationship are when couples put their marriage as their first priority and kids as their first responsibility - there is a difference.

Your post inferred that I had

Your post inferred that I had called you one - go back and read it.

FYI Our Counsellor NEVER said kids should be discarded - and neither did I. You're making some big assumptions here now.

SD is living with her biological mother - she hasn't been discarded - she has chosen to stay away and continue to disrespect her Dad - if this is "discarding" her - then you obviously fail to understand the entire situation so I won't bother responding to any more of your comments as it's a complete waste of my time.

OK - so you called yourself a

OK - so you called yourself a troll - nice

Look up what "discarded" means in the dictionary. It means to "throw something away". In the first place, SO never, ever "threw" SD away. She CHOSE to stay away - HUGE DIFFERENCE - maybe YOU'RE the one that needs to learn how to comprehend things.

}:)

Ok - let me explain

Ok - let me explain something.

SO raised SD and SS from ages 3 & 4 until they were 9 & 10. He did this after BM abandoned them, leaving him in massive debt. He had to work 7 days a week for the next 3 years to pay this off. His Mom stayed with him 5 days a week for 5 years to help with the kids. SD made her life absolute hell during this time. Threatening to call the police on her at aged 8 when she called her a bitch and Gma put her in "time out". Threatened to call the police on SO when she was 9 because he grounded her for throwing food on the walls when she wasn't allowed to watch TV while eating.

He raised them for 6 years without any help from BM. BM went and partied hard - had several flings and finally settled down with a lovely lady. SD and SS had to go to counselling to adapt to this and SO completely supported BM in her new relationship and told SD to respect the lady and accept the relationship because this is what her Mom wanted.

Then, when SD was 12, SO and I got together. Same thing - she fought it, had counselling and still fought it. BM was so used to having SO there, that she also fought against us. She wanted to have SO at her beck and call and used the kids as the excuse. BM also refused to support our relationship, because it took focus off her and the kids.

We had many family talks with SD - to no avail. She did start visiting, but got angry with us for because we wouldn't allow her Mom to dictate our weekends. She believed her Mom should have control over what we did with the kids when we had them. Then she'd get angry when SO would discipline her if she didn't do her homework, didn't do her chores or disrespected him. Things got steadily worse from there.

After an argument with him (she got upset because she said he was favouring SS over her when SO settled an argument between them) she decided she wasn't coming over again. BM wrote an email to SO and told him she supported SD's decision and wasn't about to change it. SO would ring, leave messages.. to no avail - so off to counselling we went. We were advised to let her stay with her Mom as her attitude was detrimental to the rest of our family - which we have now done.

So don't tell me not to have children with this man - I absolutely WOULD if I could. He is an amazing Father and has put up with a lot.

Please don't try to judge him and don't make assumptions about our situation if you don't understand the whole picture.

Take a step back and try to show some understanding - this shit is raw with me so I Know and understand why the op is venting.

Thank you Tommar - I'm sorry

Thank you Tommar - I'm sorry I got a bit heated - it's a touchy subject for me.

SD did have counselling - she went through 4-5 counsellors in 3 years including school. They just gave up on her because she kept changing her story when they didn't support her enough. I've never seen anyone so angry with her Father in my life.

SO's Mom tried to explain it to me - she blamed it all on BM! I told her this couldn't be right because SD was mainly with SO so I just couldn't see it. Gma also told me she'd never met anyone so wilful, dominant and stubborn in her life - and that she's been this way since she was 3.

My dilemma was when she came over and how she treated SO. When my BS15 saw this he was disgusted and asked why she was allowed to get away wit that behaviour? We realised it was affecting the other kids and this was another reason we saw our counsellor.

SO has reached out to her and they went to a park to talk (SO, SD and SS). SS went because SD has a way of twisting things and SO wanted to make sure they all understood eachother. It went south because SD got mad that SS was there, got mad that SO wouldn't leave me and got mad because he refused to allow her to maniuplate him. Stalemate.

BM has jumped on board with SD because she also agrees that SO should be living on his own and not in a relationship until the kids reach 18. Funny how she didn't believe the same applied to her - as she's been happily living with her partner for the last 4 years or so.

That's all well and good

That's all well and good Tommar - but what if kid absolutely REFUSES to see Dad and BM supports her decision? How would it be possible for Dad to see kid? Yes, Dad can go park at the house and sit there for an hour - for nothing. Yes, he can go back to court - but in the end, I think the decision has to be made for whatever is best for the rest of the family.

Focusing on the one toxic child who has maniulation and arrogance as weapons just succeeds in taking focus of the children that are accepting, adapting well and respecting adults decisions. These are the ones that should be focused on - the positive ones - not the ones with nasty attitudes, that cannot be fixed by just the one parent.

Not everyone lives in the

Not everyone lives in the same country as you Tommar - rules and court systems vary vastly around the world - it might pay you to think more about that before spouting off what may work where you live under the assumption we all have the same legal systems.

AND - regardless of what country, what Court orders etc - if the teenaged child REFUSES to see dad, and the BM upholds that and allows it - no matter what the court SAYS has to happen - dad won't see the kid no matter how hard he tries.

I agree she DOES need it -

I agree she DOES need it - but it's pointless when she's seen many, many counsellors who have ALL given up on her. One mediator told SO that she was acting like a jilted lover and he couldn't help her.

Believe me - SO has tried - court, mediators, counsellors - you name it.

The sad fact is this. As long as BM supports her and encourages her - nothing will change.

The Counsellor also told us this. "One day she'll grow up and realise how she behaved - how she handles that is impossible to tell, because by then, with the help of her Mother, she'll always believe that her Father owes her an apology for loving another woman". She then warned us that we would need to really thnk about whether we want her back in our lives at this point, as she won't have been "mentally healed" in her thinking. We have to learn to put the kids that have accepted our relationship first, then deal with her - if we want to.

AND - even if the dad went to

AND - even if the dad went to court here and demanded his "rights" as the parent - the courts would take into account the thoughts and feelings of the 14yo - so if she said no and worded it well enough, that would be that. No visitation for dad. Once the child reaches a certain age (early teens I think) here in Aus. they GET A SAY. Regardless of how the parents feel/behave - the childs wishes are still considered.

AND again - IG says the girl has seen counsellors etc, but that is only really going to work if the person undergoing counselling is HONEST and wants change, and if the BM is supporting her in her attitudes and behaviours then there is no chance that she will see the light no matter who is talking to her.

I have to wonder what your DH

I have to wonder what your DH did to contribute to these issues. Did he put her on a pedestal? Did he treat her like an equal? Did he let her call the shots? Either way, those are very unhealthy parenting behaviors that result in very spoiled, emotionally damaged children.

I wouldn't recommend your DH trying to force her to accept your marriage but I would advocate him making sure she treats you with respect and civility, and that she acknowledges you. Let her come to accept the marriage at her own pace, but don't hide or disappear from her either.

Keep your personal boundaries

Keep your personal boundaries with her. Don't let anyone make you feel you have to just take her abuse. The closer you get to the wedding, the more she will turn the wrath directly on you, calling you names, mocking you, insulting you. She doesn't have to like you but she can be scared of you. I say that wryly. For a long time I did as my DH asked and basically just took it. It felt like being a submissive animal bearing her neck to the bloodthirsty wolf. Then one day I said f this s. I stood up for myself and the issues I cared about and told her she could expect misery directly from me if she wanted to keep it up.

So, yeah, she's somewhat scared of me now and has taken to aiming most of her venom directly at dad. I feel bad for him and I wouldn't tolerate it if I had more say, but he created this kid and her way of dealing with frustration. So it's on him (and BM).

The kid will continue to demonstrate her feelings through bad behavior as long as dad allows it. He absolutely has to step up and show through his ACTIONS that it's not tolerated and he is to be respected.

Kids ought to be afraid of a mom with eyes in the back of her head and a dad with a slow, burning, gaze. The behavior your sd is exhibiting shows her dad is not a subject of awe to her, just someone who ought to do what she says. He should never have let that happen. But since you don't have a time machine, square your shoulders and use your Scary Lady Voice when you need to. Hopefully, dad will follow suit. Just don't let that kid think you are not a force to be reckoned with.

You can be all warm and sugar candy lady at all other times. It's possible she will finally figure out which one is more pleasant to be around. But you cannot "win" her over. That really depend on mom, dad, and kid. You are great the way you are, lovable, independent. It's the rest of them that need to shape up.

"She's your husband's

"She's your husband's daughter. She has a mother. You are her father's wife and really nothing more to her. And that's a role she doesn't even want you to have."

Amen!

Really, you are actually

Really, you are actually wasting thought on how to bring an entitled bratty toxic 12yo to "come to the table" on your marriage? 12yos and for that matter kids of any age don't get a say nor are they allowed to come to the table on the marriage. Daddy needs to put his foot up this little girls ass and actually parent. She gets no say, she does not even get an opinion other than the once daddy tells her she will have. That text was a perfect opportunity to bare the PASing BMs idiot ass. Next time SD leaves her phone somewhere scroll through and photograph every one of the messages demonstrating how manipulative and toxic BM is and how much of a toxic tool SD is for BM.

As Ditz said, the marriage is the top and only priority for both partners. Kids are the top responsibility. Kids benefit from the marriage at the core of the blended family but they are not a party to the marriage. They get no say in any marital factor whatsoever. Ever, for any reason. Period!!!

I have zero tolerance for this kind of bratty behavior from a kid and for damned sure have no use, time, or tolerance for a manipulate BM who can't move on in life when her X remarries long after their marriage ended.

Zero tolerance. Tie a knot in this little girls ass and give her no say in anything. She does what she is told when she is told or she is one miserable little girl EOWE.

IMHO of course. Good luck.

I heart you Rags!! Your post

I heart you Rags!! Your post was brilliant!!

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Sd12- thorn in my bloody side