fiancée is being aloof after his daughter told him that she does not like me...

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My Fiancée is being aloof after his daughter told him that she does not like me...

My fiancée and I have lived together for almost 3 years. We got engaged two years ago.
We have his teenage daughter every other weekend and most holidays. We have always been very friendly but not very close. I go out of my way to talk to her, offer to take her places, and give her gifts. Over the past two months she has been pulling away from her father and I... Being quiet and staying in her room and playing on her phone. My fiancée finally couldn't take it anymore, and had a long talk to her. She brokedown and started crying... She told my fiancée that she does not like me, and that we are not a good couple together... He asked her if I ever did anything to hurt her feelings... She said "no, I just don't like her, we don't click, I hate the way she dresses, and the way she talks".

My fiancée told me about this conversation the next day after work (after ignoring me all day). I was devastated so was he, he was crying while telling me this. Anyway, we have been not talking to each other that much. We have been getting into arguments, and we feel distant. I am devastated. I feel like I'm losing him. We were so deeply and passionately in love before all this...

He spoils his daughter tremendously. His ex-wife, divorced 8 years (they we married 6 years), still loves him and always has created drama. She refuses to work and lives off child support. She's hasn't had a job in 10years. She had cussed me out, and bashes my fiancée and I, in front of her daughter... She is trash. Now that the child support is about to end, I feel like she is causing this issue with her daughter. Manipulating her. The daughter began seeing a therapist this past Monday. I pray that this helps her.

I have no children of my own, I am 32, with a great job and education. I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with his moody aloofness over this. Even after I expressed how upset I am over this. It's like once we make up, the next day we are fighting. He's like a different person. I don't know what to do... I choose not to have kids because he does not want any. I also have always been on the fence about having kids of my own. Now that his daughter hates me, I feel like I'm losing that daughter type of relationship that sufficed this aspect of my life. Now I'm extremely confused. Any guidance would be appreciated. Thank you.

Your fiancee actually

Your fiancee actually repeated the snarky comments his nearly 18 year old daughter said to him? She admitted you did nothing wrong and you're always nice to her, yet she just doesn't like you.

Now he's treating you differently because his kid is behaving like a spoiled brat?? He's taking her words to heart because a teenager told him she doesn't like the way you dress or speak?? Seriously??

What does that tell you about your fiancee's character? What kind of a husband do you think he's going to be?

His response to his kid after that little conversation should have been, it's too bad you feel this way about Sunshine7, however I love her and she is going to be my wife and at the very least I expect you to be polite and treat her with respect. The minute you don't, you're out on your ass.

Your fiancee is a jerk, lacking integrity and testicles.

My advice, especially since you mentioned the only reason you decided to not have kids was because HE doesn't want any more, would be to seriously reconsider this relationship. The simple fact he didn't defend you and then told her the awful things she said is a huge red flag in your relationship. There have probably been others that you've overlooked. Subtle things that have happened making you feel like an uninvited guest in your own home.

Go read the the member blogs of stepdown. She also dealt with a man that allowed one of his daughters to walk all over her.

You're only 32 years old. You have a huge life ahead of you. Do you really want to spend it with a man who feels his 18 year old daughter should dictate his relationships??

If this non-man is going to

If this non-man is going to let his brat teen end the relationship then move on and good riddance to both of them.

You do not want to marry a man who would not make you his uncontested priority.

Count your blessings for not having married this guy and move on to an amazing life with a partner with some spine and character.

Take care of yourself.

Sounds like a mini wife, to

Sounds like a mini wife, to me.

Get rid of these losers.

Thank you all for the

Thank you all for the responses. Your insight is very valuable to me...

I would also like to add that my Fiancée told his daughter that he told me
me everything she said.. She got very pissed off at her dad for this, and is being more distant with him in result...

Today he got her a card telling her how much he loves her and put a baby picture of them in there...

I don't get card for how mean he is being to me, lol.

I don't think the kid is a

I don't think the kid is a mini wife, brat, bitch.... Dad and the OP had no idea the kid didn't like the OP. A brat, mini wife... would have made her feelings known long ago. The truth only came out because dad asked.

To be honest, I think she handled this well. Most teen SDs who dislike their SMs spend years being rude, disrespectful and causing hell. This girl didn't do any of that.

Agreed. But I think we all

Agreed. But I think we all (generally) agree that it's the Dad/Mom who creates a mini-wife/husband.

The kid didn't necessarily do anything wrong. The dad did. And what lesson are OP and FSD going to learn from dad's behaviour?

Maybe your DH bought his

Maybe your DH bought his daughter the card because he suspects this is stemming from jealously on her part, not sure that will help, he needs instead to help her to understand that while you will never replace the relationship she has with her dad that he does love you, wants to spend the rest of his life with you and that you're not going anywhere

My husband's eldest also pulled this at around the same age. I know how you feel. It shocks and hurts, and leaves you feeling angry and stepped all over

Initially my DH and my inlaws thought if everyone fell over backwards telling her how much she was loved, special, important, etc... that she would get over her jealously and all would be fine. It didn't work. She got worse and practically ripped the entire family apart everyone - most especially DH - to make a choice between her and I

In the end DH finally had to make a choice. He stood up to her. He told her in no uncertain terms that since I had never been anything but wonderful to her and she had no reason other than her own jealously to dislike me, that I was going nowhere. DH told her he hoped one day she would choose to be part of our life

A hard long battle but she has straightened out her behaviour, and that was because she learned the hard way that she was in fact, not calling the shots

I agree with Disney. Your

I agree with Disney. Your fiancé asked a question. All she did was give an honest answer. I don't know what other answer she's supposed to give. Hopefully he said, "that's fine. I understand that's how you feel. Just know that I expect you to treat sunshine with the same respect you want me to show your boyfriend."

Well, my fiancée disinvited

Well, my fiancée disinvited me to a family party today.
I feel drained.

Did he revoke your invitation

Did he revoke your invitation to his family member's party or back out of a party for one of your family members? If it's your family, shrug, get dressed and go enjoy yourself.

Hell, if it's a party for his family, still go out and have fun.

Yesterday he told me that we

Yesterday he told me that we were going to a family party.
We got in a argument last night, and didn't speak to each other until 11am today... at that time he was already leaving to get his daughter and take her to the party. I got a text a few minutes ago from him, asking if I still want to go to the party... Decided I'm not getting out of bed all day, going to relax, and take care of myself.

How old is this SD ???

Seventeen.

Awww the entitled asshole age

Awww the entitled asshole age !!!

What kind of answer is ~ we don't click, and I don't like what she wears or how she talks !!!

Those are not valid reasons not to like someone ~ sorry. If he swallows that reason serve him shit for dinner.

My SD told my DF she doesn't like me either. But hasn't come up with a good reason not to.

She doesn't need a valid

She doesn't need a valid reason to like the OP. Her feelings are valid regardless. There are plenty of SMs out there who dislike well behaved, respectful SKs.

Disliking someone is fine. Being disrespectful isn't. This kid has not been disrespectful.

If your kid said to you ... I

If your kid said to you ... I don't like Jane
You would say why !?
Kid says ~ I don't like what she wears or how she talks ???

That's acceptable to you ???

My mother would have said ~ that's not really a reason not to like someone. You judge people on how they treat you not what they wear or say ???

Must be just me .....

I would say it's OK to

I would say it's OK to dislike Jane. Stay away from her and do not mistreat her.
Sometimes people just do not click. There's nothing wrong with thatl

Agreed ~ I get your point.

My parent just raised me with the idea that you judge people on how they treat you ~ not how they treat others.

My SD did "click" with me or so I thought. It was more or less the idea of her not liking me for no other reason that her not liking my rules at my house. I wasn't doing what she wanted me to do " for her"

My example I can give is ~ my

My example I can give is ~ my step mother.( or like my brother calls her my fathers wife ). She has treated my brother indifferent ~ treated me ok but she treats my kids well. I don't have to like her but I appreciate her kindness toward my kids. She is my kids grandmother ~ she was there since they were little. She came into my life when I was an adult so there was no parenting or nurturing on her part to me.

My example I can give is ~ my

Fiancée just told me that I

Fiancée just told me that I shouldn't walk around in my long night robe in the evening, because it might offend his daughter...? Lol.

Thank you. Everyone's

Thank you. Everyone's opinion's and views are truly helping me deal with this situation.

Hahaha I thought about it!

Hahaha I thought about it! Thanks for the laugh

Honestly, sunshine, I think

Honestly, sunshine, I think your fiancé should've not asked his daughter if she likes you. I doubt she cares whether her dad likes her boyfriend. In that regard, he should take a hint from her.

She is indicating that she isn't interested in being close right now. Give her some space and let her come to you on her own.

Thank you for your response

Thank you for your response :)...
And nope, he will not have relations with me when she is in the house.

It's such a shame. He truly

It's such a shame. He truly is a good hearted loving man. He is my
Bestfriend and I am so deeply in love with him. My heart hurts.
I will give him some time to get himself together... if he doesn't I will
know what I must do when the time is right. I wish love was enough.

My DH whom I love very deeply

My DH whom I love very deeply is divorcing me and alot of it falls to his one daughter telling him that "she thinks I hate her". I've never said one cross word to her and have defended her and stuck up for her lots of times. When I told him that I wasn't to blame for the way she felt about me he still insisted that I was. The other daughter supposedly told him (she's in college) that "she won't come and see him cuz I'm there". I texted her and told her I would gladly leave while she came to see her dad and I sincerely meant it because I didn't think it was right that his daughter wouldn't come to our house. Her response one day later to that text was "I don't need you to leave to talk to my dad".From all this my DH says I have such disdain for his kids.
And yes, I too am not needy and clingy and am very forthright about things and don't take being blamed for something I'm not responsible for lying down. But none of that matters. I didn't realize he was married to his kids and not me. It is still so painful, I can't even express it but there isn't anything I can do about it. So no, sometimes love isn't enough.

Steppy MN2- My condolences to

Steppy MN2- My condolences to you in this truly tough time. Knowing that the person you love doesn't have your back is the WORST feeling in the world. To me it feels as bad as infidelity.
I left a life behind to be with my fiancee who made all these wonderful promises, and DID fulfill most of them. But now that his daughter dislikes me, it's like dealing with a totally different person. How can one child rule a man so much? Yes red flag. Before this we hardly never argued. I'm trying really hard to take the good with the bad, and hang in there until him and his daughter have more therapy sessions. I'm not a quitter. But all of us good supportive people, can only take so much.

Thank you. It pains me to

Thank you. It pains me to see someone else going down the same path as I am. I know what you mean about dealing with the totally different person. You story sounds so familiar. His daughter went to therapy also and seemed to be better but then she turned and so did he.
I hope that you have a better outcome but protect yourself and don't tolerate any disrespect. You are worth way more than that.

Thank you for your post. I

Thank you for your post. I talked to him last night. He agreed to see a therapist, to work on his feelings. He said he will call a male therapist he used years ago. He also has a session for just him with his daughter's child psychiatrist next week. I'm hoping that this will help. Interesting enough, his daughter was super nice to me last night. She even showed me her homecoming pictures... But again she has always be polite to me. I truly feel in my heart that she does not hate me. I feel what she said to her father about me, came directly from her psycho, non-working, gold-digging mother. I feel bad for her, because I know deep down she is a good girl. No child is match for such a manipulating, drama-causing, hosebeast like her mother. If my mother was that way, I know for a fact, that I would have been a wreck...

Sailor Girl, Yes this is

Sailor Girl, Yes this is probably the most painful thing that I have ever gone through. And I'm very Thankful for that, as there is so much greater pain in this world...I am truly grateful for everything I have. However, being blamed for something totally out of my hands, and not my fault, is real eye opener into the ego/soul of the person whom I chose to be with, wholeheartedly.

I am a kind and empathetic individual who treats everyone with respect. I have spent my whole
adult life working with the less fortunate. I feel like I am a good person and great judge of character. But I don't have a lot of tolerance for non-genuine people. That's why I feel totally bamboozled by all of this. How I have been so mislead into thinking I had a steadfast strong man, who truly loved me above all women... I'm in shameful disbelief.

Every conversation with him gets harder and harder. Every conversation he weaves in uncertainty about us. Tonight was "What should I do when she (daughter) doesn't want to talk to me or see me anymore because she is not happy being here?" This was said in regards to our relationship in the future...

Honestly almost every conversation with him in the past three weeks, makes me upset, and sick to my stomach.

However, surprisingly enough, the pain isn't as great! Mostly because of the insight of you fine people, my studies into Karma, belief in God and all good things.

Thank you again for the support and empathy.

Something isn't right

Something isn't right here.

It sounds like he may have been having second thoughts about getting married. Instead of just saying that, he's making his daughter the scapegoat.

WoW! Please think about your

WoW! Please think about your life. Really, what do YOU want? If you want to be resented for the demise of your OP's diminishing relationship with his spoiled brat daughter and his still acting like wife ex wife, by all means STAY. If you want to be loved, cherished, and have the chance to create a family then LEAVE! We all have issues with this blended family crap, but where would we be if our DH's didn't care about us? Meaning, if my DH did any of this, I could not stay. I wish you all the luck. This life is tricky. In the words of the great Kenny Rogers "you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em"

The Triangle- Yes, I want to

The Triangle-

Yes, I want to be loved and cherished.

Because things have been mostly great up until this issue, I will try to hang in there until he has more therapy sessions under his belt... As last night he told me that he had this severe depression before, when his wife left him and took his daughter...That was years ago, and now this immense depression is back in his mind full-force, consuming every aspect of his life.

I will give him a few more weeks to work on himself, as I would want someone to support me in the same situation. Everyone deserves a chance to get some help.

After that, I'm gone, if things don't get better. I am already looking into other living arrangements as a back-up plan.

Sunshine ~ I might be off

Sunshine ~

I might be off track but .....

Do you think he might be afraid of her feeling rejected again. In a sense that when he & BM divorced he had to go through separation from her n he feels like he doesn't want to ever feel that isolation / separation pain.

I am by NO means agreeing with her ~ just trying to explain his feeling.

Easylikesundaymornin- Good

Easylikesundaymornin- Good question...

I discussed that with him. I do think it's more him feeling like he has let his daughter down by not keeping together the family unit, that all of her friends and family members have. Especially now that she is pulling away from him. Since she was little he would bring different girlfriends in and out of her life, she would get close to them, then her father and them would break-up. Most were gold-diggers and loons. The daughter kept all that pain inside, until now.

I know that he hates rejection. He's the type that has to be friends with everyone, and is hurt by rejection more so then most men. I also think that my recent uncertainty of whether or not I want kids, is becoming a big issue for him... As he does not want to go through all this possible pain and stress with another child and ex-wife, ever again.

Rejection sucks ... But in

Rejection sucks ... But in society it is more of a man based sense where as men approach a woman to ask out n that sense of rejection hazes over the man.

My DF is feeling that rejection as well. He put up that iron shield like it didn't bother him but as time went by I do see how her rejection has affected him Big Time. Right now I go with the flow ~ it is what it is. I can just love him n ultimately be his soft place to fall when needed but it is his decision.

Before his attitude was she knows I love her but she can't have her cake and eat it too. She can't just use me when she wants me n negate my feelings as well. He tries to contact her ~ she refuses to spend time ( could be she has plans or she is punishing him ) but he tries n tries. The hard part is ~ the power she has over him.

As she matures , her social life will get in the way ~ time she will spend with her friends n significant other will be more important that him. And if he choices to make decisions on her feelings. He will be alone , lonely and longing for time with her. Will she be there for him ??? If he puts all his eggs in her basket for her attention ~ he will be mistaken. Being alone sucks ~ starting over will haunt his decision. You are his person to grow old with ~

Don't marry him! You will

Don't marry him! You will have a life of strife and destroy yourself spiritually

Click the link below for my personal testimony. It has been a long row. I hope this will help. God bless you.

http://www.evangelicaloutreach.org/repentance-from-remarriage-adultery.htm

Trust your instincts on this

Trust your instincts on this one. Weak men hide behind their kids when they don't want to deal with being in an adult relationship.

The teenage SD wasn't all that bad. Maybe a little bratty and immature but look at her mother. I actually think its natural for her to not feel compatible with someone who she's only known a few years and only sees occasionally. Don't take what the daughter said too personally. The fact that she got pissed her dad told you is actually a good sign. Shows she may have negative feelings towards you but is not proud of them.

Your fiance on the other hand is raising way too many red flags. First is the two year engagement. Whose idea was it to wait two years? Second flag is what you already observed. Its as if he jumped at the opportunity to blame your relationship problems on his own daughter's teen angst. Its totally unfair to his daughter and of course to you.

You deserve so much better, and you can do so much better. just start repeating to yourself.

Evil3- What you are saying is

Evil3- What you are saying is theorized in Neo-Freudian psychology, such as the Electra complex. Very interesting, very scary.

Thanks for the post

Thanks for the post Onefootout, I think you gave me a new Mantra

Fiancée sees two therapists

Fiancée sees two therapists tomorrow. God I pray he gets Clarity and help. I miss the man he was so much. I can honestly say that for the first time in a relationship, that I put this man first. If we part, I want to be able to say honestly with no regrets that I tried everything to make it work. I want him to be able to say she was a wonderful loving person, who never used me, and who tried to make it work buy giving me space, love and support. Trying to stay positive in a truly one-sided painful situation has been exhaustingly painful. The other night I called him a asshole in front of a few people and felt horrible about it. I appologised. However the word came after him ignoring me in public place. He uses passive aggressive behavior to hurt me. In past relationships if something like this would of happened, I would of been gone, or I would of acted out in search of some immediate happiness. I can honestly say that I have become a better person during this relationship. So I guess if doesn't work out, I can say I tried, loved, learned, was supportive, steadfast and faithful. Not once have I had a real mean thought about him or his daughter. I truly want happiness for all. But I deserve happiness, and a loving parter who has my back 100%. I need unconditional love, intimacy, bestfriendship, loyalty, and trust. I know this is what I need. I'm going to try to stick it out to Christmas. My hope is he will be better. But If not, life goes on. I'll keep you posted.

Sunshine, now you are playing

Sunshine, now you are playing the martyr. Better to move on than to debase yourself that way. This guy is not worth your time and emotion. Change the locks or pack your stuff and move on.

You should not have to play this steadfast martyr crap when it is he that is the asshole who is allowing a 17yo to lead him around by the balls. With the way this asshole is treating you why would you give one microsecond of thought about what he thinks of how you handled his bullshit?

No more martyr. That shit does not look good on anyone.

IMHO of course.

Update: It has almost been

Update:

It has almost been two months since I created this post.

Since then, my relationship has rapidly deteriorated. My fianceé decided I (along with my dog that he bought me last Christmas) needed to move out of the house so he can work on his relationship with his daughter. It is very hurtful to be kicked out of my love’s house at around Christmas time. He admits that I have done nothing wrong. That it’s just something he needs to do for his daughter, as to work out all his guilt. He still wants to be engaged/date me; however I doubt that I can do that. He has changed into someone I do not know anymore; a moody, unloving, and negative person. No matter how loving and supportive I have been through this whole process with him, He still pushes me away. This weekend I have been distancing myself from him, even though I’m still in his house until the end of December… But this seems to just make him mad. If don’t pick up the phone when he calls or text him back immediately, he gets angry at me. It’s like he only wants to talk to me when I disengage. The whole situation is very hurtful.

On a positive note, I found a beautiful house in my old community to rent that is 45min away, and close to my work. This I am grateful for. It is a great, safe, beautiful, and dog friendly place. I am looking forward to the New Year.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and loving holiday, and a happy New Year.

Quit giving this asshole and

Quit giving this asshole and his incestuous relationship with his dick dribble so much care and concern. Move on and good riddance.

Enjoy your new life in the New Year. No more contact and for damned sure no booty calls. If you have an engagement ring with a major rock sell it and go on a rebound cruise.

Have fun.

I agree with what everyone

I agree with what everyone else has said--do not give this a-hole another thought. I was like you a few years ago--just out of a serious relationship, no kids, one dog. I really wish I just would have enjoyed that time, as you really are in a great part of your life! Get some new clothes, take some classes, pursue your hobbies. Date if you want to. But whatever you do, do NOT let this guy come over for booty calls. Make your new home your sanctuary. Hope your next relationship is with a wonderful child-free guy. I know if I am ever single again, there will be no more guys with kids (unless they are grown and living across the country or something). Best wishes hon. Enjoy your holiday with friends and family.

By the sound of things he is

By the sound of things he is finally revealing his true self to you...and that the "nice" version of him for those years was the lie...

He can only keep the lie going on for so long....and the daughter not liking you was his excuse to finally be able to pull away so he can reveal his TRUE thoughts.

The fact that he can "change" so quickly indicates that his true character was getting closer and closer to the surface.....and it was only a matter of time until he would reveal to you, who he truly is. The fact that he is now angry you for wanting to pull away (after being told to leave too for goodness sake) also indicates to me who he is as a person...a controlling and manipulative person who dosent want you to pull away, but wants to call all the shots.

On retrospect, I bet you wished you had of taken all the advice and left earlier to give him the space and distance he needed when this happened. The fact that he has kicked you out despite all your support would add to your hurt Im sure.

My SO did this to me (similar situation) and I asked him and his kids to leave my house(adult SD19) as I got sick of being at the bottom of the list...and it was MY PLACE for goodness sake. I wished him well and the weeks/months that went by, he realised what he had done and had an epiphany moment...and came back begging forgiveness with a renewed and stronger sense of commitment to us (me).... in fact we are now in a strong place but it only came about because HE had to experience the nights etc without me and he realised what he was missing out on. Kids leave home eventually and kids cant keep you warm at nights. He just had to find this out for himself. I was willing to move on none the less!

Good luck

I've learned a very important

I've learned a very important life lesson. When dealing with a mini-wife of this magnitude, the loving girlfriend/OP can't win. Even if one stays, dealing with that weird father/daughter dynamic of skewed power, is just painfully odd and stressful to be around. I learned from this that I can not, and will not deal with men who forfeit their power because of guilt. It's just so unattractive and lame. Wish I would of saw this side of everything sooner, before being so vested. I haven't been the best partner in my past relationships, and made a promise to myself to see this relationship through. I'm glad I did even though it has been a painful 2 months. But now from this experience, I will never date a man with a teenage daughter and a psycho BM, ever again. Lesson learned.

And in my experience..I would

And in my experience..I would never get serious with a man with kids full stop. Maybe if they were grown up with their own established families. So don't feel bad about discovering what a lot of us have already discovered.

Good luck moving forward. xx

Hello everyone, Just checking

Hello everyone,

Just checking in. I moved out at the very beginning of January to a awesome little place on the water. Life is good. I've been dating some really nice gentleman. One of which I really like. He has no kids and is successful. Plus we have all the same interests.

As for the ex, last week I found out that he was cheating on me the last month I lived with him, which I guess in hindsight was not a surprise. I hear he is dating a few of his ex's as well.

I did change my number (He still continues to email me about trivial things), and have moved on even-though I still have feelings for him. I have come to the conclusion that he is severely damaged, and no matter how much therapy or realizations he has, he will always be the same: Suffering severely from some type of narcissistic, bipolar or borderline personality disorder.

Thank you guys for all your support.
I wish everyone well.

Great news. Congratulations

Great news. Congratulations on moving on to your amazing life without this idiot and his spawn.

Time to cut the final com channel. Mark his emails as spam and let your email deal with him. Never look back or interface with him again.

Take care of yourself.

...and she lived happily ever

...and she lived happily ever after

Sunshine I have read this post from the beginning and what a success story this has turned out to be - you have certainly dodged a major bullet! If I were you I'd avoid men with kids in future, you're still so young and don't need all that drama...

I wish you all the happiness for the future and that, at the very least, this has been a life lesson for you xx

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fiancée is being aloof after his daughter told him that she does not like me...