Tired of the lies, stealing, etc.
Over the last couple of weeks, I've pretty much told my DH that the only thing keeping me here was the fact that I knew SS(now 18) won't be here much longer. Heck, I'm surprised he's still here. But he is a senior in high school and DH really wants him to graduate. I'm at the point, I don't care if he does or doesn't.
DH and I have been married almost 10 years and we've been together 11 years. SS was 7 when we started dating and 8 when we moved in together and then got married. His BM died when he was five. My DH felt sorry for him along with every one else and SS learned how to manipulate people extremely well especially DH. So when I came along, once he figured out he could not manipulate me, he had no use for me. But instead, he tells DH how horrible I am toward him when DH isn't around and DH has believe him for the most part. He has just about destroyed the marriage. There is certainly a lot of anger, hurt and resentment that has built up on my part that I'm not sure what to do with.
Starting when SS was eight years old, he started out taking things that didn't belong to him without asking. When I tried to enforce the rule, "if it's not yours, don't touch," DH thought I was going overboard. He never supported me or agreed with me when I tried to establish healthy boundaries. So SS has become a master at lying, stealing, etc.
Just tonight, I discovered some credit card charges totally a little over $500 of things he's been buying without us knowing about it. I normally am much more on top of the bills but since January of this year, I have been going back to school to better myself and I am very proud of that.
When I first showed this to DH, he first wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt when I said HELL NO! We are not going to do that. We have all the proof we need. He was even nice enough to guy his girlfriend stuff with our credit card and have it shipped to her so that when we asked where he got it, he could say from her!!!! (He freakin brilliant when it comes to lying and manipulating people.) In fact, I found "things" in his room last weekend when they were all gone that he had taken from me and was quite pissed off about it. Since he got caught, he "had" to apologize to me but in the apology, I was told by him that I had to "forget the last ten years" because he has been doing so well for the last two months. Well, he's been using this credit card for the last two months so technically, he was yet again lying about stealing from us while still stealing from us and yet, he doesn't understand why I can't "forgive and forget." Maybe if I ever saw anything other that a selfish jerkface of a child but I don't. I've been dealing with this crap for 10 years and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm on high blood pressure medicine among other medicines. I need to lose weight but stress makes me wanna eat. Lately, it seems like maybe, just maybe, my DH blinders are coming off but I'm still quite upset with him for allowing his son treat me like shit for the last 10 years and even in some places, believe him son before me or taking his son's side instead of mine.
If anyone has ever been through this, do you ever really get over it? I know resentment can destroyed a marriage because it destroyed my first marriage and I really don't want that to happen. SS should be out of the house within a year or less. Any advice!
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Comments
Yes. Marriage
Yes. Marriage counseling.
Your SS isn't destroying your marriage. Your husband is destroying it by not supporting his partner and not parenting his child.
The problem in your marriage is a guilty father who feels guilty his wife (or exW you didn't specify if he was a widower or not) died and his kid was left without a biomom. So he failed to parent his kid, indulging him instead out of guilt.
Your SS learned to manipulate people because your H allowed it. I get that he's nearly 18 and knows better, but unless your H does something about it, this will continue on for the rest of their lives.
Now.....the question you must ask yourself is "Can I put away my resentment towards my SS (who has shitty behavior but has technically never had to pay the consequences for it) and direct it towards the person that is responsible for the situation we are now facing?"
We were in marriage
We were in marriage counseling for awhile as well as family counseling and even individual counseling but we stopped going because things got better but now, they are back to being worse. I will see if we can get back in it.
I realize that for a long time, I was mad at my SS. But a little over a year ago, I realized that the person I was really mad at was DH because he had the power to at least try to stop all this crap a long damn time ago. But instead, he allowed that little shit to manipulate him over and over again and fight with me.
Thanks for the advice!
I say marriage and personal
I say marriage and personal counseling for you and your H. Leave your shitty SS out of the mix. No reason for family counseling or personal counseling for him.
My feelings about counseling is the same as people on medication, to a point, which is just because you're feeling better doesn't mean you should stop taking it.
Behavior patterns are ingrained into each one of us and counseling to deal with those patterns could take a year or two of marriage. Possibly more in personal therapy. Don't stop because things are starting to get better, because you both will stumble and backslide into old ways from time to time. Continuing counseling on some level will help you get back on track until you have both formed new patterns of behavior.
I speak from much experience.
Good luck.
When SS was out of the house
When SS was out of the house yesterday for awhile, we went through his room to find the things that he bought with the credit card he stole from DH. When he got home, he as pissed that we went through his room. Anytime he is caught red handed, he get such a cocky attitude that I want to literally knock is head off his shoulders. When we told him that we knew about all the charges he'd racked up on the credit card that HAD a zero balance on it, he was like - I wondered why it took ya'll so long. Really? He's never had or shown any remorse whatsoever. I don't think he has a conscious at all. Yet when I tell him that he acts like he doesn't care about anyone, he gets pissed. In my opinion, actions speak louder than words. When you steal and lie to people, you don't care about them, their feelings or anything. I've known how he feels about me for a long time. But it's only been in the last year that he's been screwing over my husband as well.
We told him that as long as his room is in our house, we have every right to go through it especially when he is stealing from us. That's when he said he was gone! Hell, I told him to GO!!!! DH told him at that point that if he leaves, he will not come back and I hope to God he means it. DH keeps saying that he wants to make adult decisions, he will have to deal with the adult consequences. Like I said, I hope he means it. Only time will tell.