It has been a while but I need some advice........
Hello again......it has been while since I have posted as well.....life has been happening. My past blog posts will tell you some of my story. I am the BM of two boys 22 and 18 and SM to two girls 19 and 16. My husband and I have had some major issues with his girls over the last 7 years to the point I disengaged about 2 years ago. During this time I literally found myself again and began doing things I enjoyed, formed new friendships, rekindled old ones, and became the person I used to be.
My issues began about six months ago with DH......My oldest DS got married, my youngest DS graduated High School and began a really good job with plans of moving out in the next three months.....my oldest SD moved out about a year ago due to disrespecting my husband and myself and choosing to not live by our rules and the youngest SD began working and trying to finish highschool. The youngest SD wrecked the car we bought her (totalled it) in the school parking lot at the finish of the last school year by showing off and hitting another parked car at 45 miles per hour so she no longer has a vehicle. She began talking to my husband about home schooling in order to work more hours to save for a new car so I give her credit (I cut off the money train) and my husband told her that he would not support that decision as he felt the social aspect of school and the structure was something she needed......well this leads to her approaching her BM and without my husbands knowledge, she withdraws SD from school and enrolls her online.
My DH and I both work full time jobs and are unable to provide transportation to and from work so.....youngest SD moves in with her BM. Now.....I am not complaining as I finally feel I have my home back and things are really calm, no drama.
So.....the issue I am facing now is old resentments and added expectations from DH. You see, for 5 years, I had to fight tooth and nail for attention, affection, or time. When I finally disengaged and began "doing my own thing", I put those items as a lower priority on my list as lets face it.....I was tired of fighting. I became the me I knew and liked again and really blossomed. Well my DH (once both girls were gone) became extremely insecure. So as a means to help him adjust to not having the closeness with his kids he used to (they don't call, come visit, or communicate unless they need something), I tried to back off of my outside activities and spend more time and energy on him as I knew he was hurting.
Flash forward to 4 months of no outside activities or time alone and he finally comes out in a not so subtle way and accuses me of infidelity. Let me make this very clear, I AM NOT A CHEATER, never have been and never will be. If I no longer wish to be with you, I will leave before I look for someone else. I blew a gasket......not one of my prouder moments but I told him if he continued on this route, I would not be there to be accused any longer. HE IS SMOTHERING ME!!!!! I am beginning to lose my individuality again.....have put friendships on the back burner to make him secure, do nothing without him as I am afraid it leads to more insecurity. Now my resentments are starting to surface again because I so badly want to tell him "Oh.....Now that your children no longer wish to use and abuse you and are no longer shoved up your butt.....now you expect me to drop everything and make you the center of my universe". This just doesn't seem fair to me and I am biting my tongue at every turn.
I don't want to lose who I am and open myself back up when I know eventually the girls will come back around and I will face the same disappointment of being placed 2nd when they decide to grace their father with their presence in his life. I am happier with the status quo.
Has anyone ever faced this? What did you do to solve it? Any advice is greatly appreciated and welcome....even if it may not be what I want to hear.
Stop biting your tongue.
Stop biting your tongue.
What you said was right on... "Oh.....Now that your children no longer wish to use and abuse you and are no longer shoved up your butt.....now you expect me to drop everything and make you the center of my universe".
I think what's missing is honesty on your part. And that can feel like "infidelity" to DH because you ARE holding something back...not being true. You miss your fun activities that make you feel like an individual. That's okay! You're also bending over backwards to spend time with him so that he won't be sad, yet at the same time, he didn't care when you were sad, and now he's smothering you.
You have every right to feel resentment about the past, and your husband should also know about your resentment. Don't hold that in...not only will it give you ulcers and wrinkles, but you are "cheating" on your relationship by not being genuine. You can soften your honesty, but please tell him exactly how you feel so that he doesn't make the same mistake twice. I find that the times that I'm the most REAL about my emotions, the response from SO, after the initial sting, lends to greater understanding and closeness in our relationship. If you try to shield your partner from hurt feelings, you'll ultimately hurt the relationship.
Have you tried including him
Have you tried including him on a few of the activities that you normally enjoy? Does he like doing any of the same things that you do? That might be your first step along with marriage counseling. I wouldn't put up with any man accusing me of infidelity, especially since I'm not the type. And there's really only so much you can do to assure him that you aren't cheating before you sound like a broken record and start becoming bitter over his accusations. I agree with the above poster that it sounds like you're holding back from letting him know how all of the upheaval has affected you. Why not go for counseling for yourself at least if he's not willing to go. You've endured an incredible amount of pressure and pain from his children and it's just so unfair for him to be pulling this on you afterwards. Just put yourself first for probably the first time in your life though. As women we take on so many other's pain and put ours to the back burner along with any outside hobbies or interests just to 'keep the peace', it's not fair and certainly not right that he feels okay to level these accusations at you after all of this.