Weekend from hell
HI All! New to this site. My mind is going a million miles an hour and I am hoping this site will keep me sane.
The long of the short is, I have no kids myself. I love kids. It just wasn't in the cards for me and I'm ok with that. The bf has 2 kids from a previous marriage. 8 year old girl and 12 year old boy. I'm at the point where I truly do not like the ss AT ALL. The bf and I have been together for 3 years and we have known each other for 13 years.
I was introduced to the kids this past Feb. We were ready to move in together because we know there is a life long connection between us. We moved in to a house in July. We didn't want to rush anything. My house sold and it was never listed! It was a sign. We moved in together. It has been the most emotionally draining experience.
Now, I'm a logical girl. I know the transition in having a female in the house is weird for the kids. I know the transition will not happen over night. but, the disrespect is unbelievable. It's uncomfortable. I allow the kids to make me feel like I don't exist. Neither of them talk to me. Unless they want something.
The ss is who I worry about the most. MOOOOOODY isn't the word for it. He is only happy and pleasant to be around when he is doing something HE wants. Otherwise, he is miserable. Lacks any kind of personality. Doesn't look anyone in the eye when he is spoken to. Mumbles. Manipulates.
I find myself in a position where he only treats me this way when his dad is not in the room. I tell his dad and he says, 'baby steps'. Give him time. He is 12! He doesn't have MANNERS! We need to nip this in the bud. I have not called the ss out when he lies to me, gives me attitude, disrespects me...until this weekend. He actually told me that honesty is not the best policy. I told him, yes it is. If you are dishonest, it will get found out at some point and the consequences are not good. He said, "you've lied." WHAT?!?! I totally confronted him. When have I lied? no response. What have I lied about? no response. He just sat there with a smirk. I said, when you are ready to discuss this 'lie' then you know where to find me. I will be totally up front and honest because I don't lie.
Now, he on the other hand, lies, lies, lies , lies! I finally told the bf that I am on my own here. There is no one sticking up for me , but me. I can be strong for a period of time, but sometimes, I give up and it affects me.
I don't want to be their mom. I don't want to be a parental figure. I want to be their friend and look out for their well being. But, I am not their mom and nor do I want to be. They have one.
Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did you not meet the kids
Why did you not meet the kids until this past Feb.?
His divorce took a while to
His divorce took a while to complete. I did not want to meet the kids and confuse them while all that was going on. I wanted to keep things as simple as possible during that time for them.
I understand. However, since
I understand. However, since you then moved in in July, to them, things have moved quickly.
How often does your BF have them?
It is suppose to be 50/50.
It is suppose to be 50/50. But, we have them more than that. The bio mom favors the 8 daughter. The daughter has a schedule each week. The ss does not. We have had him since last tues. He has not seen his mother in 6 days!!!! it means nothing to her or to him. She even let her daughter out of school today so she and her can have a big breakfast together. but she told her daughter shhh don't tell your brother.
HORRIBLE!!!!!!! I know a lot of the ss problem is that his mom does not seem to connect or care. So I try to connect when we have him. He pushes me away. I think he may treat me the way he treats his mom because of what his mom is doing to him. His mom doesn't want to deal with him, so she leaves him with us. for days and days and days. poor kid. But, I will not tolerate being disrespectful to me. What to do? How can I connect with him to help him understand, I am not her?
It's not so much what YOU can
It's not so much what YOU can do at this point, it's what his father should be doing. Which is calling him out on his bad behavior and teaching him some manners.
My husband never let his daughter be disrespectful to ANY adult. She learned that very young.
I apologize if I'm off base
I apologize if I'm off base here, but it sounds like there is WAY more going on here than you've posted.
You've known him for 13 years and been dating for 3? And you hadn't met his kids in 13 years? And you'd been dating him for 2.5 years before you met the kids at all? Because he wasn't divorced yet at that time?
This all sounds very, VERY weird to me. I bet the kids think you're the "other woman" and their dad was cheating, given that timing. No way can you expect to have a good relationship with them if they think that.
My bf and I were friends for
My bf and I were friends for 9 years. Me and my husband did not hang out with him and his wife during this 9 years. We were friends at work. he was married and I was married. My ex cheated on me. He knew about my marriage and when he found out his wife was cheating on him, he came to me to ask for advice.
My father passed away during this same time I was helping him through his ordeal. We supported each other.
We took it slow because of his marriage and his kids. We knew something was there, but didn't act on anything because of the timing of it all. Plus I wanted to make sure this was not a rebound for him. We were solid friends for 1 year while he was divorcing his wife.
I asked to meet his kids and he was uncomfortable. He didn't want his kids to get confused about the relationship. When he was finally ready for me to meet the kids was Feb.
I'm not saying you WERE the
I'm not saying you WERE the other woman. But I stand by what I did say - the timing is weird, and it's weird enough that I could see the boy *thinking* you were the other woman.
Think about it from the kid's perspective for a moment.
"Dad introduced us to his girlfriend. Huh, he *just* got divorced from mom. Wow, they've been dating HOW long? And this is the first we hear of it? What's he trying to hide? Bet he was cheating and that's why mom was so unhappy with him. Jeez, he's known her for my entire life and this is the first I'm hearing about her? How long as he been cheating?!?"
I get why your BF wanted to "take it slow", but I don't think he did himself any favors there. He acted like he wanted to hide you, like your relationship was something wrong, something to be ashamed of. If the skids did pick up on that, there's going to be blow back.
Oh, and to address your original points about the skids' behavior - your problem is NOT the skids, it's your BF. HE needs to parent effectively and that means addressing those behaviors. If he's not doing that, time for a Come To Jesus talk with him about who the adults in the house are and how children are expected to act - with appropriate consequences if they do not meet those expectations. But it has to come from HIM, if he won't parent then there's nothing you can do except see if you can buy your house back.
The only way to fix this kind
The only way to fix this kind of crap is with absolute fact. Tell the SKid the facts. That you and his dad worked together. That BM cheated long before you and DH started dating. Point out that he remembers mom taking he and his sister to her cheat partners house for booty calls, etc... Load the Skid up with the facts.
12 is more than old enough to have the truth in total and in detail I am a proponent of fact and truth at all SKid ages shared in an age appropriate manner.
Truth is the only way to protect the Skid from manipulation and the only way to allow the Skid to know who is manipulating. BM won't like it. The manipulative, lying, toxic, PASing side of the blended family equation never does.