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DH's ex making accusations against BS7

LCaste's picture

Situation is this: I have SS10 and SD6 and we have them every other weekend. I have BS7 (from my first marriage) and BD 6mos (with DH) and they both live with us 365 days a year. My BS and SD have always been extremely close. They are just over a year apart in age and have very similar interests and personalities. They have squabbles every now and then, like all kids do, but they absolutely love each other. BS counts down the days till SD comes, SD always wants to do everything with BS and DH and I love that they have such a great friendship.

About 2 months ago, two days after DH returned the skids to their mother, she sent him a picture of SD with a bruise on her face and said that SD said BS did it and that she tried to tell us about it but we ignored her. DH and I never noticed a bruise on SD while she was in our home and she never reported any injuries or incidents to us. DH told his ex as much and defended BS, but we decided to question BS nonetheless. He said the only rough housing they did was jumping on the trampoline they bumped into each other, but SD said she was okay and they continued playing. He's a smart kid and generally a very well-behaved kid and found it very unusual that we were grilling him and asked why we were asking him all these questions. DH told him that SD had told a different story and we were trying to get all the facts. His feelings were very hurt that SD would say untrue things about him. Eventually, the issue was dropped and everyone moved on.

This morning, after dropping the skids off last night, DH received a text from the ex accusing BS hitting SD in the face with a stick. Once again, SD had no injuries observed or reported while she was with us. DH once again told his ex as much, and defended BS, but said we would talk to him. I hate to have to tell him SD is making false accusations again- he was so upset last time and he is such a sweet kid.

I don't know if the ex is just trying to stir up trouble or what is going on. I'm trying not to be mad at SD because I know she's only 6 and is probably just trying to get attention from her mom who doesn't give her much attention, but I'm so frustrated. Any advise is appreciated!

PokaDotty's picture

Did you confront SD6 last time?

I'd ask for a picture then next time sit them both down and ask SD6 to explain her side with BD7 present and then let BS7 speak. She may be trying to keep her mom happy by making up stories (my SDs did this) but we called them on it and nipped early on.

LCaste's picture

We didn't interrogate SD6 and that's probably a good idea. Since we only see her every other weekend, things had quieted by the time she came back to visit so we just moved on with our lives, but since it's turned out not to be a one time thing, we probably do need to sit her down and talk to her.

Glassslipper's picture

They are kids...they play, they get bumps and bruises, that's normal.
And yes, wacking you sister in the face with a stick in normal too...all kids do it.

For BM to drill a 6 year old and then question DH about all the details is wrong.

If it were me, I would text back "possible he did, they were playing, like all kids do! "

Teas83's picture

BM has made accusations towards my husband and I that involve our DD (17 months). It wasn't about DD hurting SD6, but it still made me so angry that she even mentioned my child.

It sounds like your BM is just trying to make trouble. I'm so angry for you. And even if SD has been getting hurt from playing with your BS, it's bound to happen. Kids can be rough. I can't count the number of times that my siblings and I hurt each other growing up, intentional or not.

AllySkoo's picture

Any chance ALL of you could discuss it, preferably immediately? Honestly, it sort of does sound like SD6 is making it up for attention. And I can't really blame BM for being pissed either - I went to daycare to pick up my 5 year old and saw another boy hit him in the face with a stick, and I spoke firmly to the director about the lack of supervision which allowed that situation to happen. No way in hell would I have laughed and said "kids will be kids!" (I actually hate that line. Yes, kids will be kids and therefore parents should be parents and correct them. It is not - or shouldn't be - a free pass to behave badly.)

My own SDs at one point were making up stories, both to BM and to DH, about the other house. One day BM called and said the girls were "in tears" because of us, yada yada yada. We went to BM's house and had a Come To Jesus meeting - all 3 girls, BM and SF, and DH and me. The girls were busted, and knew it. They tried to claim BM "misunderstood" and she went ballistic! Lol It ended the story telling for quite a while. (Sadly, not permanently. But for a few years, at least.)

Tcandme's picture

From now on I would sit SD down just before taking her home and ask her if she had fun this weekend and if there were any issues while she was here, (record it if you have to), just let her know the last couple of times you found out AFTER she got home that there was a problem so you want to fix it before she leaves, I bet she stops accusing BS of things to BM by doing this.

Glassslipper's picture

^^^WOW!^^^

That is a good idea TCandME,I might steel that!
You could even write it in a notebook, so she knows your recording it Smile
and then she can't make things up at BM's
AND when BM texts DH, you can say "we already addressed it" cuz you did, you asked and wrote it down.

Smile

Teas83's picture

Tcanandme - We do the same thing with my SD6 now. There were so many times that she would go home and tell BM or GBM something negative about her weekend with us. So I told my husband to start talking to her in the vehicle when taking her to drop her off with BM - find out what was the best part and the worst part of the weekend.

We just started this and I'm not sure if it's working. But it's worth a shot.

Rags's picture

SD is not making false accusations, BM is fabricating and PASing to manipulate tension into your family. Why do you think that BM is targeting the closest relationship that her daughter has in your blended family?

I would come down on BM like stink on the shit that she is were I you and your DH. Have your lawyer send her a letter outlining the false accusations and informing her that defamation charges will be filed if she does not cease her manipulative bullshit immediately.

Both kids need to be trusted but also need to be talked to separately in order to understand what happened. Do not ask SD if BM told her to say these things but SD needs to either confirm that the stick incident, etc.. occurred or did not occur. Based on the answers of both kids BM's ass will be bared and the depth of her manipulation will be determined.

These kids are close and love each other. Support that closeness and protect it from the manipulating BM.