Picking Battles
I haven't posted in a few months as things started to be going in a positive direction. FSS moved in with his sister in a house their dad helped buy. He started training for a profession. We picked a wedding date. So all is moving forward. That said after FH has done all that FSD says they just started garnishing her wages. Now FH is going to shell out thousands of $$$ to help. I have mixed feelings as long as he pays half our bills and we meets our goal to save for a downpayment for a bigger house (I have my half he needs more as he helped with downpayment on daughters house) - is it really my problem? When I question him on this he says I come from money and don't get it. It drives me crazy because since I come from money it would have been more likely for me to fall back on my parents and I don't and never have.
I love this man and I feel like I could have a lifetime of battles ahead of us if I let it happen. I don't want to be a person who posts every week being miserable - have any of you decided how and which battles to pick?
I agree. DO NOT get married
I agree. DO NOT get married yet. He obviously thinks it is ok to fritter HIS money away by helping adult kids. This will get much bigger.
Take more time to think about how he communicates with you on this matter. Sounds disrespectful to me.
Yes sounds disrespectful to
Yes sounds disrespectful to me too. I just want to be heard. I am all for helping the kids, I was the one who found the house and negotiated the deal. I just feel like we should talk about it the situation. I am thinking counseling he is open to that. Money is not a great concern it is him shutting down the conversation that is. Of course he thinks I do not understand because I have no children but it doesn't make me ignorant of life.
He is sitting down with her
He is sitting down with her and her fiancee this week to help them figure out a budget but I have no faith they will stick to it. I agree I think the only person who gets the benefit of coming from money is her. I never relied on my parents. I think when I criticize his daughters money management he hears you are a bad parent. His kids are respectful and I don't have the challenges a lot of people have. I guess I feel like she is his problem but he is mine. Her not handling her money is frustrating but him being dismissive of my opinion is the larger issue.
"His kids are respectful".
"His kids are respectful". Why would they not be respectful. They are getting just what they want. You might see something different if they were told they would just have to figure it out on their own. I have seen very respectful adult kids using their politeness to get what they want. For me it has been a hard battle to come against cause dad only see's sweetness. My dh's kids didn't even have to ask. They would just tell him about their problem(s) and he would fall all over himself to solve it for them.
Take care of this now cause it will only get worse. I say "adult children need to get off the tits!"
I am so sorry you are dealing
I am so sorry you are dealing with cancer. I can't imagine having to juggle bills and health concerns. Unfortunately I am not sure we will ever be on the same page about money but we need to get to the same book. I don't believe in debt at all. The only debt I have is a small mortgage as I have paid most of that down and he believes in putting some things on cc. I get very anxious if there is any money on the credit card after the payment date. I wouldn't even take a loan for my new car. He thinks I am silly. It may be because he has a guaranteed income for life and I am in a volatile profession but everyone is right when they say we need to work in communication. It sucks to not feel heard or to be invalidated.
I can tell you from personal
I can tell you from personal experience that when you do not agree on what is important to your financial comfort and your future that the problem only gets worse after you marry him. Say you marry this guy. You make the sacrifices to have your house paid off and save for a nest egg. Meanwhile he accumulates debt and refuses to save for supplemental income for retirement. All of the income, saving and equity in your home that you acquire after marrying him will be part his, any debt he accumulates after the marriage will be partly yours. It's not worth it.
Very well said. The
Very well said. The situation sounds like a "lose/lose" for op.
I have to ask why her wages
I have to ask why her wages are being garnished. Because if she did something that broke workplace rules, she should be the one working to make up for that money. Not her dad. Maybe she needs to get a second job.
I'm fortunate in that my parents would always help me in times of real crisis. But if her actions caused her to have her wages garnished, then she should be the one feeling the pain for this.
She didn't really do
She didn't really do tragically wrong just something around a lease. He is going to make her pay him back. Getting a second job is not a possibility because she works ft and takes 15 credits. I think the big piece here is I don't feel heard and I am frustrated.
Finances are one of the
Finances are one of the biggest causes of problems in a marriage and the reason for a lot of divorces. Do not get married until you get this worked out. And be careful of him just telling you what you want to hear.
LOL…this man never tells me
LOL…this man never tells me anything but the truth so very often it is not what I want to hear. I may get tired of the honesty but I know he doesn't deceive me.
Yes I have chosen which
Yes I have chosen which battles to pick and to fight. I have always chosen and fought all of them. I do not leave battles un-won much less un-fought. Fortunately my bride and I have been at each other’s side as we fought the battles which seems to be what is missing at least from your FDH’s side of the equation.
I think it is time for a come to Jesus meeting with your FDH. He needs to understand that his daughters are adults and his focus is now the marriage and your future together and not his needy adult daughters.
If SD’s wages are garnished what problem is that of your DH? If she was idiot enough to get herself in a situation where her wages are garnished then rather than bail her out FDH needs to let her steep in the accountability and consequences of her decisions that got her into this situation.
You may want to get ready to try to recover wedding deposits in the event that the come to Jesus meeting does not extricate FDH’s head from his ass. For some reason many bio parents have trouble recovering from long term bouts of Cranio-Rectitis that far too many of them seem to have in regards to their toxic spawn.
My parents did not come from money but they did ultimately become very successful. My brothers and I did not come from money until we were in our teens so we lived both sides of the coin in regards to financial comfort or financial discomfort. Both my brother and I have done very well. We learned from mom and dad and emulated what they did to become successful. Some of the most valuable lessons we had was mom and dad allowing us to suffer the consequences of poor decisions including some very lean years as we learned from our mistakes. Mom and dad's door was always open for a visit at dinner time upon occassion but they let us fall on our asses and firgure it out for ourselves also.
It looks like FH has more in
It looks like FH has more in common with your attitude than I would have thought. I explained below I am proud of the way he handled this situation and I think it is time for me to give him a bit of a break. Maybe it is not picking the battles that is the problem - I suspect I picked a battle before I even knew there was one.
So here is an update - I
So here is an update - I think the communication problem appears to go both ways in this case. We talked about this last night and he said the reason I was he was so angry was when he said she asked for help I assumed she meant pay the bill. He said if I let him finish she was asking for help to get the garnishment reduced. She also said she would rather pay the debt out of her paycheck. FDH went through the bills tonight and helped them figure out what they could cut. He got them set up on budgeting software and the one concession he made we as an Xmas present he would pay half the mortgage for month one so they could move in 15 days early and be in the new place for XMAS as their existing lease was not up till Dec 31. He explained to them tonight that it was our turn and that he would be there for love and support but not for finances. He said they looked scared but they knew he was serious and that is why they looked scared.
I have to own my piece which is jumping to conclusions but he has to own his which is not shutting down on me. I am not saying everything is perfect but it is nice to be able to shoulder a little of the blame and know that if I change my reaction I can change his. I am sure there will be people who will say it is not all rosey but I am proud of him I know it was hard to stand his ground with his kids but he put us first and I see a light at the end of tunnel. We need to work on communication but I think we are headed in the right direction.
No Saffron, that is your life
No Saffron, that is your life it is not and will not be mine on so many levels. I am sorry you have such an awful life but I intend to enjoy mine. Our "cramped" house is 2600 square feet more than big enough for both of us - I want a pool. His kids will not move in our house as I already said he helped them out with a downpayment for their house and they are covered there.
I don't suspect major trouble with his kids. They are not treated like royalty. His daughter works and his son just started school. She made a kid mistake and didn't go to court for a lease abandonment - she was being stalked by an ex and needed to move. I know this is true as I was there while it was happening. I am not saying there will be no trouble - but it is as likely to come from me not paying a parking ticket or not putting the top up on the car, flooding it, and ruining all it's contents. Oh and I don't have kids so no Brady Bunch situation here.
I keep saying it is not about finances but about communication. I will spell it out clearer. My fiancee has a sizable contract that includes a pension that kicks in before he is 50. He is also an ex pro athlete and was one of the very few people with great financial management. He is paid an annuity every ten years. Both of us have good jobs and he is already being tapped for a better position upon retirement. I have a trust fund and have been very good with both high and low risk investments.
So while I feel badly for your situation it is not mine and I could commiserate on some points - they are just kids comes to mind. You made that impossible by going so negative and not even taking into consideration what I was saying.
For the most part I find that many people on this board only want to pile on negative and not support positive. Things are not as easy as they would be if he did not have kids but I will take that trade. I am not expecting the Brady Bunch but I am also not planning on American Horror Story or I would not be getting married.
I hope things turn around for you. You seem to be in a lot of pain and the situation above sounds horrendous.
As long as your communication
As long as your communication doesn't break down before you get your issue resolved no matter what it is, that is the biggest problem in marriages. A lot of people think it is the issue they are struggling with, but usually it ends up being able to successfully communicate throughout he issue and problem solve that is the true issue,There is a great book called fighting for your marriage by Daniels (is the last name I think) that is a helpful tool on learning how to better communicate....
What happens is...when a subject is important to us, our adrenaline speeds up and we have a tendency to get ahead of ourselves and assume a lot of information that may be inaccurate. The book teaches you how to slow down, ask the right questions, and problem solve through these issues together to find the resolution that works for you....
Thank you peacemaker that is
Thank you peacemaker that is the best advice I have received. I will check out the book. Marrying a person with children seems to learn a lot of people very bitter and I will not have that happen to me. Life is short and I intend to enjoy it. If there is any doubt people should check out a cancer forum.
Most of us had good
Most of us had good intentions when we married our husbands but found out we didn't know as much as we thought we did. As Peacemaker wrote, communication is key. I was really supporting you until I read the last sentence above. It is not appropriate or necessary. It implies everyone on this site is negative, not worthy of being heard, and being petty because we don't have cancer. Looking forward to your return to this site in the future.
Point taken - I wasn't trying
Point taken - I wasn't trying to be petty. I don't have cancer and no ones reality is worse than anyone else's. Maybe I can use my bitchiness when problems arise and I am sure they will. Thank you for pointing that out it is god to learn that a throw away comment can ruin a decent point.