Need advice/opinions on PAS
SD2 (almost 3) is showing signs of huge PAS. She despises me. She constantly gives me dirty looks, calls me bitch, and is aggressive with me. I've treated her like my own children since the moment I walked into my life. I've known her since she was a baby. BM HATES me. Her name for me is home wrecking whore even though I had nothing to do with the demise of their relationship. SD has told me that Mommy doesn't like me. SD has also called DH an asshole. BM is more than high conflict and there is basically no coparenting at all.
DH disciplines her for her actions but she doesn't get it - she's so young. She is also in the process of being diagnosed with a personality/social disorder which I am sure contributes.
Can PAS be seen at this young of an age and if so are there professionals out there that can help with it? I am concerned that this is going to be the rest of my life with her. I want what is best with her but it is basically impossible for me to bond with a child who is so disrespectful to me all the time.
I do know that she is very very young and even at this tender age the doctors see an issue with her so does her daycare. I know that we have a long road with her and I am committed to that road as I do not believe that this is her fault. She is being raised by someone who is emotionally unstable and who is still in love with DH and still makes plays to get him back. BM had mental health issues as well, bi-polar, depression, and a slew of other things and it is my (unprofessional) opinion she's a bit of a sociopath. We've had the courts involved but as many of you know it is basically impossible to get full custody from the mother unless there is abuse or neglect and there is not. At least not physically and she's too young to determine how far emotional abuse goes right now.
I won't do this only because
I won't do this only because her mother has accused me of sexually abusing her (out of no where just to hurt me. She didn't formally accuse me but she has made many insinuations) so now I will not bathe her or do anything like that with her. If I spanked her and BM caught wind she'd charge me with child abuse with out a doubt.
I'm not against spanking my bio kids get spanked and DH spanks her. The problem with her is she doesn't care. I put her in the corner nose to the wall toes to the baseboard. The one time all she had to do was say she was sorry (for BITING me) and she refused. She stood there for 5 hours with me asking her literally every 5 minutes if she was ready to say sorry her saying no. When we had lunch she sat on the floor by the corner and had lunch then went straight back into it.
She's VERY hard to discipline and that is not for lack of trying. We are hoping the doctors can shed some light on this for us.
Don't you wish it was legal
Don't you wish it was legal to beat the shit out of the BM's??? I do sometimes. For a toddler to go around saying you're a bitch and her father is an asshole, that's all BM. If she has a mental disorder I am so happy that yall are trying to get it diagnosed and treated now...tell your DH what ever he does he can not allow the BM to stick her head in the sand and ignore it.
For that Sally is right, ass whoopins. She has to be taught right now that; that behavior will not be tolerated. It doesn't matter if her mother hates you and your DH, she has to learn that lesson. DH needs to step up here. And the dreaded confrontation with BM, it's got to happen asap, infront of SD so she can start realizing that mommy isn't always right.
There is a book "Divorce
There is a book "Divorce Poison" by Dr Richard A Warshak. I would recommend you read it asap while your SD2 is young. When they get into teens and later it is pretty much a done deal IMHO.
I knew YSS as a baby and
I knew YSS as a baby and toddler. He was trusting and sweet until he developed the ability to speak and comprehend. It was as though someone had flipped a switch. The indoctrination both verbally and non-verbally began by the BM.
I'll never forget YSS at around age 3 or 4 when Chef went to pick up YSS at a soccer field when older skids were playing. YSS kept tugging at the BM's clothes saying "LOOK MOMMY, DADDY'S HERE!" He tried very hard to get her to even acknowledge that Chef was there. Instead she assumed a semi fetal position and turned her head away from our direction not even acknowledging our presense with a "yes, I see that, son." Radio Silence! Which spurred YSS on even further to get her to acknowledge that "daddy's here." NOPE. She even pushed her hair to the side of her face that we were on so as to give the message "I do not acknowledge your presence." She did this quite often or would hold her hand literally up to the side of her face that we were on. She NEVER would greet us face to face; ALWAYS would turn to the side on approach.
My name at the BM's house that the kids would here was "THAT WOMAN" so SD at the age of 5 started calling me "WOMAN!" with a nasty, derogatory tone. I'm sure they called me worse things but the skids, as proper "church going children" knew it was improper to actually use curse words.
^^^Yep. And double yep to
^^^Yep. And double yep to telling her the reason why she can't come over! Why are we always pussy-footing around these damn kids? Say it with me, YOU CANNOT COME TO MY HOUSE if you call me a bitch. You cannot say mean things to me in my house. I don't care whose kids they are! Either parent them or visit them elsewhere. And if her father can't figure out how to manipulate and outsmart a TODDLER in order to get desired behavior, then you need to kick his dumb butt out, too. He doesn't deserve the right to be a father since he sucks so badly at it.
That kind of aggression -
That kind of aggression - with swearing etc - at age 2 is really odd. I think in your shoes I would hope that DH and I got on the same page and were really really consistent with feedback. Like how to handle a never-ending temper tantrum. Never take it to heart, make it about teaching kid how to handle feelings, and never ever fail to correct the behaviour you want to stop.
"DH disciplines her for her
"DH disciplines her for her actions but she doesn't get it - she's so young."
Discipline - as in punish? Or discipline - as in teach? What is he teaching her?
Spanking would not be helpful in this situation. If your man is spanking her, he's showing her that he's just as bad as Mommy says he is. Making a child say "sorry" when they don't mean it is not teaching...unless you're trying to teach them to lie.
Have you all read any books or talked to any successful parents about tactics to use when training a child? Because I have never heard of a child so young being diagnosed with anything. All of it sounds like poor parenting.
I see your point. He does
I see your point. He does spank her but we've tried positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement. We've tried taking favorite toys away, speaking to her, etc. Mainly now we resort to standing in the corner then trying to talk to her afterwards. She is VERY stunted emotionally, physically, and socially. She is almost 3 but she has the social and mental capacity of probably an 18 month old so it is hard to actually reason with her.
I have a 3 year old and a 5 year old who are very respectful, kind, and polite to everyone they meet. I've worked hard to get them to that point but I get compliments on their behavior all the time. Then there is the SD...she gets looks at restaurants and public places. It's really a tough situation. I need to do some more reading I suppose on this specific topic. I wish this doctor would get back to us sooner rather than later. He told them that we'd have the results by today and we don't. While he did identify several issues nothing has formally been diagnosed.
I will also say that it was believed to be that she is autistic but I think the doctors are skirting around autism as long as possible in hopes that that isn't the case and so she's not labeled for the rest of her life.
If I could go back and do it
If I could go back and do it all over again I would seriously tell DH to give up custody. We have spent years and thousands of dollars and what has it got us? Two teen kids who use and manipulate us and talk crap about us behind our backs. We have tried so hard and wasted so much energy and resources that we could have been focusing on ourselves. Give up early and move far away IMHO.