Is it OK To Just Let Go?
I am 43 years old and married to my DH who is 54. We have been together for 15 years and married for 12. My two SS were ages 6 and 8 when I began a relationship with him. I have no biological children of my own. My DH had full custody of both SS, BM’s had visitation only, and sporadically exercised it.
I was a very dedicated SM to both of them, was involved in their school activities etc. I honestly tried to bond and have a loving relationship with them. They were not interested, and tried everything they could to drive a wedge between me and my DH. I was always treated as an outsider. I felt uncomfortable in my own home. DH did not put our marriage before the kids. SS have an overwhelming sense of entitlement and have been spoiled and coddled by DH.
Now that they are grown, I have disengaged myself from the madness. I have chosen not to have a relationship with my SS, but I do not stand in the way of his relationship with them. When they come to visit I simply make arrangements to be elsewhere, or like so many on this site, hide in my room. Unfortunately, hiding out is no longer an option as we recently downsized from a 2800 sf. home to a 700 sf. apartment!
My oldest SS has made poor life choices, has two children under the age of 3 whom he cannot take care of financially, let alone himself. He moved in with his BM after breaking up with the mother of his kids. He has a volatile relationship with his BM and he chose to move out. My DH became irate when I refused to allow him to stay with us, and our marriage has been tense ever since.
I am unwilling to live with my adult SS. I feel that I have a right to say that I am not interested in having a relationship with them. I’ve sacrificed 15 years of my life trying to be a SM to them. It was not appreciated. I refuse to live one day with them even on a temporary basis, because I know it will not be temporary!
DH just refuses to respect that I do not want a relationship with them, and continues to try and get me to bend. I am at my wits end. Advice Please!
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Comments
Thanks for your response.
Thanks for your response. You're right 700 sq ft is not enough space! I love my DH, but I am unwilling to spend the next 40 years dealing with the same old plot. Really hoping he can eventually learn to respect my decision.
Tell the twit to move out and
Tell the twit to move out and get an apartment for him and his spawn.
He doesn't value your marriage anyway - maybe time to start spreading your wings and flying elsewhere.
Life is too short to spend it being unhappy. You are a powerful being and only you have the power to create your own happiness. Use this and focus on a future happier you!
I am hoping for the best, but
I am hoping for the best, but I am also preparing myself financially and mentally to leave this situation if he refuses to relent.
I have no advice but I will
I have no advice but I will say you are right to not let him live with you. He would never leave that's true. I was in a similar situation this summer when BM insisted we take sd23 and gs4 in. Like you, we have a small house and my ds13 has the 2nd bedroom. I stood steadfast and I will no let her live her. I don't care what anyone thinks.
Don't bend on that...
And really when do these men think their kids have Reached the age to be accountable for their actions??? They would take care if them forever teaching them nothing but how to be reliant on others.
Your marriage never seemed to
Your marriage never seemed to come first when the skids were younger, it doesn't seem to come first now. Have you considered counseling? A good counselor will tell DH flat out, that his expectations of you are completely unrealistic and that you sacrificed for years to be a good SM to HIS kids and they treated you like garbage. Of course, you don't want your happy little home upturned by someone who disrespected you for so long. Sometimes, hearing the truth from an un-biased third party can work miracles. It did for me! Good Luck and take care of yourself.
like ljcapp said "when do
like ljcapp said "when do these men think their kids have Reached the age to be accountable for their actions???" - i mean seriously. he is a GROWN ASS MAN who needs to learn how to cope LIKE a grown ass man without being bailed out by Daddykins.
u've got options already mentioned above, such as leaving the marraige or telling him to get his own apt w/ his son.
another option, not sure what your finances are, but maybe your dh can help w/ a security deposit/utils for an apartment for ss? as in "son, i'll finance ur first month there cuz i love u and want to help you, but after that u need to man up and stand on your own two feet."
i'm so sorry u're in this truly sucky situation.
BTDT! Stand firm on what you
BTDT!
Stand firm on what you expect from your marriage. Like others have said as well as you also mentioned, your DH hasn't put your marriage first and it sounds like you already know the answer if Dh tries to force this on you.
You're still young and I know 15 years seems like a long time but if DH doesn't make you a priority, there is someone out there who can and will treat you with the respect you deserve.
Best wishes.