I don't like my girlfriends son and I don't know if I am the problem (long)
My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I am 32 and she is 34. She has a 17 year old daughter and 8 year old son.
- LostSpikes's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
My girlfriend and I have been
My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I am 32 and she is 34. She has a 17 year old daughter and 8 year old son. Her daughter and I get along great. We are the 2 best friends that anyone can have. But the son of hers is the issue. As mentioned he is 8 years old. And although I want to call him a nightmare, he is only doing what he is allowed to do and takes full advantage of it. His father has never been around and I think his mom feels guilty for that so she babies him and let's him do as he pleases. He has no consequences for bad behavior and he definitely has no responsibilities around the house.
Her and I moved in together last year. I told her I thought it wasn't a good idea and that it was too soon but she insisted and I wanted to make her happy. My fault...I know. But as time goes on I am realizing how much of a mistake this was. We live different and although I do not have kids of my own there are certain things that I feel a child should a shouldn't do. And her response to everything he does is "he's just a kid" or "he is just doing what boys do."
First, he never does what is asked of him without him debating it or arguing it. "Go brush your teeth and get ready for bed." He takes 20 minutes to do this nightly. His "bed time" is 8:15-8:45 and he usually gets there when he feels like it around 9pm. When she tells him to do something she has to repeat herself at least 5 times before he actually does it. Where I come from it never worked that way. You do what you are supposed to do the 1st and that was it. But my gf can ask things of him all day and it is pretty irritating to hear every day. And he whines and talks like a baby when he's talking to her. So I just lock myself in the room so that I do not have to hear it.
Second, he doesn't know a child’s place. I know that is a grey area but I feel like when we are having adults over, kids should be in their room playing or whatever it is they do in there or outside. There is no reason for a child to be around grownups that are having adult conversation and drinking. She has no issue with this. But refuses for her 17 year old daughter to be home when we have company.
Then, the favoritism. She favors her son over her daughter. She had her daughter at a young age so they bicker back and forth and she gets on her about everything yet gets on her son about nothing. One day I came home and he was in our bed watching TV in our room. I made him get out and go to his own room and she got mad at me and said that I was mean. But I know for a fact that if she came home and her daughter was watching tv in our bed she would lose her cool.
Chores, no one has responsibility in the home besides my girlfriend and I. She says that she never had chores growing up so she doesn't make her kids have them. I am no expert or anything but I think that the children should do something around the house. I wish my mom would have let me do absolutely nothing and have no responsibility for anything. But she didn't I had chores and I don't think that chores are a bad thing at all. What type of man will he be if he has no chores? If he never learns how to do things or held accountable for anything.
School. Oh heavens please don't get me started on school. He has trouble in reading and she uses that as an excuse for everything. He brings home a report every single day from his home room teacher about stating how he was "disrespectful" that day. And mind you...he brings this home EVERY day. And instead of getting on him about behavior she gets upset with the teacher saying that "she never has anything positive to say about her son." Or she will say "he only acts that way because he is struggling in school." She never acknowledges criticism. To her everything is that goes on with him is always everyone else’s fault.
A parent came to the house the a few weeks ago saying that her son and his son could not play together for a while because they were throwing things at the cars driving by. It was a neighbor, she never went to apologize for that neighbor and said that it is probably the kids influencing him in the neighborhood. At football practice him and another kid got in trouble and coach had to talk to them both and she said "well that other kid is pretty bad maybe he shouldn't hang out with him." At school he got in trouble for stomping on a little girls hand and she said "well he does have problems in school and he is probably frustrated." There is an excuse for everything! She rarely corrects him on anything.
He doesn't listen at home, school or in sports. He is responsible for nothing, yet runs everything. When I mention anything about anything I am mean and I down talking her parenting. Mind you I have done everything in my power to like her son. I buy him things, take him places, sign him up for sports, take him to sports and everything. Now I feel moving in was a mistake and nothing will change because she sees nothing wrong. This is the cause of 90% of our relationship issues and we spend so much time fighting about this than actually loving each other.
I could go on forever but I won't.
Any advice is much appreciated. Am I spinning my wheels or am I in the wrong for wanting things to be a little different.
Yes. But when I do that she
Yes. But when I do that she says that I am giving up on her, us and that I am giving up on her son.
It's like she wants me to
It's like she wants me to give 100% love and attention but 0% discipline and say. As long as I am doing what she thinks my role should be everything is fine. The moment I voice my opinion or try to invoke some sort of punishment or consequences it's "you don't understand kids."
And yes...I wasn't ready at
And yes...I wasn't ready at all because I feared of this exact situation. Now she gets upset when I talk about us not living together and trying that out for a while. And maybe I am wrong for giving in on her wanting to live together. She wants us to be a "family" but we don't share the same family values and she wants me to be a parent just one that shuts up when it comes to criticism
BINGO!
BINGO!
you need to advise her that
you need to advise her that it is NOT giving up on either him nor her. you are keeping the peace in your family by allowing her to be the parent she chooses to be - she should be thrilled that she will have that freedom w/o your "background noise" about the way she handles everything.
i would not disengage from her, per se, just the parenting aspect and anything directly involving ss. if there is a huge problem, bring it up in private. if she asks your advice, give it tactfully w/o expecting her to follow it. if she just needs you to listen, just listen.
she sounds like an ostrich parent. you cant change who she is or how she parents, but allowing her the freedom to parent her way leaves NO ONE to blame when things start falling apart. just be there to support her when reality starts to dawn on her. then and only then will she make positive changes.
PS - ck out one of draco's recent blogs - http://www.steptalk.org/node/199162
I've never done well with
I've never done well with biting my tongue or not being brutally honest. It might drive me crazy lol
Ahh the old: Give kid 100%
Ahh the old: Give kid 100% authority and 0% responsibility our of sheer guilt non-parenting.
So with each action there has to be an equal and opposite REaction
And that is to give stepparrent 0% authority and 100% responsibility.
Generally being a stepDAD is easier than being a stepMOM as there are fewer expectations.
Calling Dr. Drac0 for advice. Is Dr. Drac0 in the house??
I actually agree with
I actually agree with thinkthrice's sentiment. There are fewer expectations from SF's than SM's. SMs get raked over the coals for not loving the skid as their own. SF's? Not so much. It's also easier for SF's to choose to take a more passive role and let the BM do all the heavy lifting. SMs are often not given the choice.
It doesn't make the SF's job easy...In fact in many aspects, it can be equally challenging...but IMHO it is not as difficult as the SMs.
I was speaking in very
I was speaking in very general terms but that is how I came upon this site in the first place.
There are LOTS of sites, literature and programs dedicated to helping SMs cope with difficult blended family situations.
There's hardly any support/advice columns for SFs. Why? The ones that are out there are full of empty platitudes it is nauseating
"You have to learn to be patient"
OOOH! REALLY!?!? Tell me more oh Delphic Oracle!
The only conclusion I can draw as to why there is very limited help available for stepfathers is because it isn't as pervaisive a problem as it is for SMs
That is exactly what it is! I
That is exactly what it is! I rack my brain on trying to figure out my role here
The role a stepparent has
The role a stepparent has that is ASSIGNED to him/her by the guilty bioparent is that of ATM. That is all. Sorry if I sound cynical.
Makes sense to me.
Makes sense to me.
Argh! I'm here. I actually
Argh!
I'm here. I actually responded but got dealt with a server error!
Paging Dr. Rags, Dr.
Paging Dr. Rags, Dr. Rhinodad? Come in please. . .
"I love it when a plan comes
"I love it when a plan comes together"
^^^ Man you took mine!!
^^^ Man you took mine!!
LostSpikes, I was you about -
LostSpikes, I was you about - ooh - 7 years ago. I was at my wits end with my SS. My wife was CONSTANTLY defending him (she still does actually) and I was left wondering 'is it him, or is it me'.
Truth be told the problem lied with all of us.
But if you were to make a pie chart of the problem sharing, it would look like this. 10% would be my fault. 10% would be the kid's fault and the remaining 80% is my wife's fault.
Like your GF, she parents out of guilt. That is exactly what I am reading here. The only exception between your SS and mine, is that my SS doesn't throw rocks at passing cars or hurt other people.
Your SS, is very much a typical COD; frustrated and completely lacking in maturity to deal with that frustration. As long as your GF coddles him, defends him and dishes out no responsibilities and consequences, things WILL NOT change.
That being said, you really need to talk to your GF about this (preferably alone). Be honest by showing what you are witnessing. You are witnessing a mother use her guilt to overide good parenting decisions. The excuses, HAVE TO stop.
The kid is 8 years old? Look online for age-approriate chores. Implement them. Implement them slowly, but implement them.
Arguments stop too. When my SS starts on my DW, I smell blood in the water and swarm over him like a shark.
There may be some things you need to back off on though....for your own sanity. I have partially disengaged from my SS (like bedtimes) because if I have to chase him to get in bed on time, I will be having a rotten evening Monday through Friday.
I could write a lot more, but I think I hit all the major obstacles.
This is awesome! She always
This is awesome!
She always sides with him and he knows it. She doesnt think that he plays her to advantage even though it is clear to me.
I feel like because she sees nothing wrong and has just as many excuses as him then nothing is going to change. We are 2 years in now and nothing is consistent. She will put in place some rules and when she thinks that things are good between her and I she slowly stops the following through.
As far as chores, I agree and I have tried that but I always look like the bad guy because I am the only one that makes him do it. And I am thinking in the back of my head "how is this helping anything if I am the only one making him do this stuff." And when I am not around it's not like it will be done.
She wants me to be involved to a certain degree. And doesn't understand how her parenting can turn me off and why it would at all effect our relationship.
My wife and I had a "coming
My wife and I had a "coming to Jesus" talk long ago about this very issue (and we are perhaps overdue for another). My DW is also notorious for coming up with parenting plans but never following through:
Chores lists
Tutoring
cleaning his bedroom
No iPad in bedroom past 9
No friends over during the school week
Walking the dog
Karate lessons
summer reading list
All these plans to provide my SS with some form of structure and responsibility were great ideas at its inception but fizzled faster than a bead of water on a hot frying pan.
Like you, my wife wants me involved, but pulls back very quickly when she sees me being "mean" to her son. And like you, I was often left being the sole "warden" watching over SS.
I don't care if I am the bad guy though. Now I don't love my SS. I have come to the conclusion that I probably never will. So if my SS ends up viewing me as the "bad guy", so be it. It used to bother me, but it doesn't anymore.
My wife doesn't know this (that I don't love him)....Actually I think she does know but doesn't want to broach the subject. However, what helps me and DW get through this mess is that we have to constantly remind ourselves what it is we want out of our relationship and what we want for our children.
I love the brutal honesty.
I love the brutal honesty. And of course because the relationship is fairly knew it bothers me being the bad guy all the damn time but I guess that is something I am going to have to deal with if I don't want it to drive me nuts. It would be nice to have her backing me up on this crap because then it would make life so much easier. You had the "Coming to Jesus" talk and I need to have the "Jesus take the wheel prayer.
Tell me about it. I want to
Tell me about it. I want to see her change but that's all it is...a "want." She changes for the moment not for the long run. She is not consistent so he has no idea what consistency is. He just knows that eventually when mom is being "mean" she will go back to "normal" in a few days. But when I am silent I am the one that brings down the vibe in the house and excluding myself from the house.
It's hard enough to change
It's hard enough to change ourselves for the better, let alone another person who has a vested interest in "protecting" their progeny.
What will start to happen if she starts "seeing the light" is that her son will start to associate YOU with discipline and influencing mom to discipline. If you overly reward her for taking a few small steps in the right direction, she will "Monday Morning Quarterback." Hmmm, if LostSpikes thinks I was doing the right thing, I MUST have been TOO HARSH with my son!
Can you run now?
I am on my marks! I swear it
I am on my marks! I swear it is impossible for her to see things like me or from my point of view. I am just the "mean one" that "judges her parenting" and "doesn't understand kids."
Ha! You must live here.
Ha! You must live here. That's exactly how things are. Take today for example. So My ss gets in trouble at school the other day. She takes his ps2 and DVD player out his room. So I come home today questioning why his ps2 and DVD player was in the middle of our closet. She said "he's not allowed to have it back yet." Then I proceed to say "oh but he can play the iPad and watch tv down stairs?" And now I'm the bad guy for asking and calling it out. Now it's me all of a sudden on this "kick" because I act like a douchè when he gets in trouble. I didn't yell I literally just asked that simple question and I'm the asshole?
If I had to do over and I was
If I had to do over and I was in your shoes (not married) I would not live with this woman if I were you.
Draco gives great advice if you want to work on it but hardly any of here have had improvements over the years. It always seems to revert back or get worse.
I think that is the part we
I think that is the part we are getting to Ljcapp. Of course I want things to work because I love her but then I am stuck with the reality that things may never change and the resentment grows strong every single day.
Most times I am in control
Most times I am in control but I know when it comes to the ss that topic is a little more sensitve so I leave it to her. She wants me all in with restrictions. I don't really get that part. More importantly when I try to reason with her she shuts it out and doesn't want to hear anything I have to say
This ia and we have gone to
This ia and we have gone to counseling and of course the things she said she would change in front of the counselor are only temporary. She says things don't change over night but we saw the counselor over 5 months ago. She says that I knew she had kids and pretty much I have to deal with it and if I leave I gave her a false sense of security and family life. And that I made her believe something that wasn't true. But I didt know this was going to be like this
If she does I completely
If she does I completely missed this. I'll investigate!
You have to ask yourself if
You have to ask yourself if this is the woman you want to mother your own children (if that's in your life plan). Harsh question but the reality of it will play out for the rest of your life once that child is born.
Since marrying DH, I have come to believe the single most important decision you make in life is who will be the other parent of my children? This is different than whom to love, whom to marry, etc. Not all children are concieved in love and neither are all marriages. And you can certainly love someone who should not become your life partner.
So do you want your kids raised like this? Some are favorites? All are uncivilized? Dad is always the bad guy?
Next question is this whole thing salvageable? If you feel Draco's plan may work, then have the Moses on the mountain talk with her and then with YOUR actions enforce the whole thing.
Or maybe you say to yourself, hey, I'm 32, there are actually plenty of chicks out there who'd love to meet me and who don't believe in raising demon child nor marginalizing their partner. And then tell your sweetheart that, sadly, you just want different things out of life than she does.
I could actuay see her having
I could actuay see her having my kids. And I'd actually have a say in things so she would just have to deal with that. Step parenting works different because I'm reminded that I'm not the father and my opinion is just that. If I was his dad Id have more say but since I'm not I can say nothing or don't have the right to say anything.
I'm begging you to understand
I'm begging you to understand this is not how it works. Yes, I understand the step parenting dynamic, I am a sm, that's why I'm here.
But things will not change for you when the child is your own, it will be worse. Because now the heartache will be of your own child turning into a little monster and you having your wings clipped. You think mom is not going to shield her little booboo from chores and discipline just because you are the father now?
No, no, no. We are all here because at some point, a dad and a mom could not agree on how to live life. So now, to take my household for example, my very dear husband can't sleep half the time for trying to figure out how guide and teach his daughter (and son, but much less trouble there) without the girl's natural mother undermining him. You think kids don't know how to play one parent against the other? The playbook for that is handed to every baby as they take their first breath. This gf of yours isn't suddenly going to respect your opinion about child rearing when her latest child comes crying that they don't wanna do the dishes or go to bed or daddy took the ipad awa-a-a-ay, mama, please give it ba-a-a-ack. That's what our BM does, she returns items that have been confiscated, she encourages a teen girl to send bikini selfie to a boy, etc. etc.
You can love this woman all you want but don't make the mistake of thinking that YOUR baby will be different if you do't get this issue straightened out beforehand.
Damn...those are cold hard
Damn...those are cold hard facts right there and I never looked at it like that. He definitely plays us against each other and she sides with him first doesn't matter if he is wrong or right.
Spikes in my experience the
Spikes in my experience the parent siding with the kid never gets better. What if you have kids with her and she picks favorites with them?
Good point. I would have to
Good point. I would have to remove myself in that case
Ask your SO what her 'family'
Ask your SO what her 'family' looks like. Everyone has a place including children borne of teenage mothers. Ask her why she wants a family. What does she want you to do in the big scheme of things.
Then lay into her. No, in future her daughter does not need to leave her HOME because your SO is embarrassed she had a child in her teens. Suck it up buttercup.
And if she wants you to stick around EVERYONE gets chores. Because she has the children or is older than you does not make her to rule maker. SS8s job is to have a whole week on good behaviour. And he is to stack and unload the dishwasher one day a week.
Actually if she whined at me that he is influenced by other kids so easily I would ask her why she is so accepting for her son to be a sponge and soak up everyone elses bad bahaviour. Is the boy unable to know right from wrong? If this is the case he requires psychiatric help. And yes, if she is saying her son cannot help himself then he has psychiatric problems or brain damage. Most kids can learn what to do and what not to do.
If she argues ask her what happens when he is 14 and some kid offers him a drink and encourages him to get drunk and her son ends up killed in a car crash or raped by some pedo lurking nearby. Sometimes cold hard truths are what is needed.
The sex with this chick must ba awesome because living with an entitled piece of poo like this would make me run. Away. Fast.
Something needs to change... and soon. Because I just see you taking off with the 17 yr old.
I laughed the hell out loud
I laughed the hell out loud at this post and I'm in the gym so now I'm the gym creep of the day. I have tried all of this and when he doesn't she's like "he had a long day" or "he's only 8." :? As much as I try to put a plan in play she knocks it down when his feelings gets hurt or he seems uncomfortable. Me making him pick up after himself is tolerable but I know it grinds her gears. Am I just supposed to keep doing what I'm doing ignoring that it's bothering her? And not do anything knowing that it is dividing us?
Just tell her "Look, you want
Just tell her "Look, you want me to be his male role model? Then let me do my job. He may be 'uncomfortable' or get his feelings hurt. But I will never do anything to belittle him or anything more than what is expected from any other 8 yr old. You want a family? This is how it happens. Or we accept that you and I have different dreams for a 'family' and go our separate ways. This is not all about you making all the rules or me being right. It is about give and take. Right now I am giving a helluva lot and you are taking me for a ride."
Just make sure you are not naked when you say this. My darling husband once tried to read me the riot act after he stepped out of the shower... naked. And I really couldn't stop myself from laughing. It ruined his 'crowning moment'.
Ahahahaha!
Ahahahaha!
LostSpikes. You cannot change
LostSpikes. You cannot change your GF or the way she parents. She has to want to change it.
What she is doing to you is called Emotional Blackmail (also title of a book by Susan Forward & Donna Frazier). I advise you to pick it up and read it.
You're trying to do the right thing by moving out and she keeps reeling you in with her poor, poor pitiful me BS.
This will never get any better. No matter how many come to Jesus meetings you may have with her.
My suggestion to you is come up with an exit plan.
I feel bad for this kid. He's being raised to believe there are no consequences to his poor choices that mommy won't fix for him.
You're right. She is setting
You're right. She is setting him up for failure day by day and the world won't cater to him like she does and that worries her
Run away. Before your drug in
Run away. Before your drug in to deep and you can't get out. If the kids aren't dependent and attached to you run away. No love is worth it. If I could go back knowing what I know, as much as I love my husband I would run away.