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"I can only Go by what she says"

canadiangirl3's picture

Adult SD lives 16 hrs away w/1yr old baby.
Tells daddy all that he wants tO hear such as I have a job, a drivers lisc now and i am moving to a bigger place blah blah blah
When DH tells me i just look at him and listen if i ask oh good wheres the new job he responds oh im not sure she told me but i firgot, oh when does school start he says hmm i think the end of this month oh how did she ger her drivers lisc back she owed $3500 he says yes she paid it i guess."

If i say sounds like bs he replies "i can only go by what she tells me" drives me mad!!
Why does he not see the lies?

AllySkoo's picture

Because he doesn't want to. And if you "force" him to, you'll be the bad guy. She's 16 hours away, so at least she's not in your house! Lol Let it go and let him have his delusions.

hereiam's picture

My husband sees through SD23's lies but he usually lets them go instead of calling her out on them because it does no good. Sometimes he will say something and she just gets quiet or tells more lies (or has to get off the phone).

I think he should call her out more so she gets the hint that she's a horrible liar and that it's getting her nowhere. I'm glad he sees the real her, though, or I would be very frustrated. He does not believe most of what she says.

Your DH probably knows better, he just doesn't want to admit it.

Jsmom's picture

Just nod and walk away. Otherwise, he will resent you for pointing it out. He has to get there himself. Listen to me, BTDT and have the t-shirt. Life is better since I learned to nod a lot and say Uh, uh, that's nice...

Merry's picture

Yes, this is what I do too. Nothing I can do about anything, so I nod and "uh huh" a lot. I try not to ask any questions and I try not to point out the flaws in logic or contradictions from last week's conversation. "That's nice." "Oh good." "I hope it goes well."

Except for that call a few weeks ago when SS needed to borrow money, with a promise to pay it back. DH says, "Merry, can we loan SS $300?" It happened to be the truth that we didn't have the $300, but DH still said yes. Oh hell no that's not coming from my account or our joint account. Ok, who wants to guess whether that money has been paid back? Did anybody guess NO? Ding ding ding, you are right! And guess what happened the week after DH sent that money? SS quit his job! You know what I said? "Uh huh, ok, I hope that goes well for him." Haven't asked about it since.

A real sanity saver when you learn how to just step back and not let it become your problem.

canadiangirl3's picture

yes thanks everyone thats what usually do is just say oh wow nice! Or whatever it is i feel he wants to hear. I guess my problem is then i lower myself to being just like her by saying the things he wants to hear! Ughhh

But you're absolutely right he will resent me or just omit further conversations/info.
I hope he gets to that place soon!
I guess she does it because it works she gets money.

Amber Miller's picture

My SD did the same thing to my DH. I would ask the same questions and he always answered with "I don't know" or "I didn't ask for details". Well, knowing that your rotten daughter had a LONG history of LYING you would think he would've asked these questions! I think he was wishing that it was true, that she could hold down a job for more than a week and that she'd actually finish a single class at a junior college but she can't. I guess this is what happens when you give your kid $500 a month in cash and pay for their car and it's insurance and all the tickets they get. Eventually he woke up (after 5 years and before we got married) and cut her off. Now she wants nothing to do with him. Gee, I wonder why??????

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

As long as I didn't have to bother with her or pay her bills, fines, etc. I wouldn't care what she tells him.

And if he wants to believe her nonsense, then that would be up to him. Just as long as it didn't affect me.

still learning's picture

I've stopped having conversations with DH about ss30. He gives DH lines all the time about how he's really going to stick with his new job and how very soon he's going to take over his bills and how the world is against him and it's everyone elses fault why he's not super successful. I'm evil and it's all my fault that DH won't let him live here and it's DH's fault why ss30 is still living with mommy..... I got sick of hearing the same crap over and over. DH solely is responsible for listening to and dealing with ss30. The other day my SIL (who also enables ss30 by letting him live there rent free on and off) came over to talk to DH about ss30 and I promptly left the room.

Point of my comment is that it's not your problem! Don't even ask about her and if he brings up his 16yr old irresponsible daughter with the baby then promptly change the subject.

still learning's picture

perhaps our SS30's were separated at birth Wink As of now my ss30 is not allowed here either. Last time he was here he was screaming at DH. I told DH that if he was going to tolerate abuse from his son then it would have to be elsewhere because I would have no part in listening to or condoning it.

Rags's picture

Bullshit he can only go by what his lying spawn says. DH is an idiot if he actually believes what he himself is spouting.

What is the common denominator? SD. She has a proven history of dishonesty I assume. DH knows it and is playing Ostrich so he can maintain the bullshit immage of his precious being.

Rather than accepting her bullshit and drinking her cool-aid he needs to say "Well, I hope what you are telling me is true. Show me don't tell me!"

"Show me don't tell me." was probably the most effective and shortest of the lectures our parents perfected on their boys.

canadiangirl3's picture

I can only go by what she says!' drives me nuts when he says that. I try to just nod and say oh ok or good for her etc. the thing that drives me nuts is she made her own poor choices and is in her own poor state of finances bevause of her poor choices. I was very angry when i found out ss was given a well paying job for 2 weeks and that it was kept a secret from me as DH and her stayed together in a house paid for by the company i only just found out after the job was over and not by DH even the ex wife knew as she had to babysit. DH's excuse was that he didnt think i wanted to know! I despise secrets between the two it feels like im the other woman. Back in the spring SD came for 2 weeks yet DH asked me not to show any affection towards him while she was there as it bothered her too much! So annoyedhow much control she has.

sandye21's picture

"Back in the spring SD came for 2 weeks yet DH asked me not to show any affection towards him while she was there as it bothered her too much!" Here is another example of 'unbelievable but we know it's true'. I'll bet with all of the sneekiness he still wonders why you don't trust him. This is what second divorces are all about. DHs would never act this way in their first marriages. Do you think he would have asked this of his first wife? Why is it OK for the second? This is so disrespectful of you as his wife. What would happen if you started treating him the same way?

canadiangirl3's picture

And shes 22 years old! And doesnt live here. How does she command what goes on in our house!

Yes he is a very nice, compassionate, caring man but when it comes to sd he is secretive and evasive.