O/T (kind of) - Parent's Night Events
Our School routinely does a parent's night for each sport season. Nothing too special just an introduction of the athlete and parents. They announce each as they walk across the field/gym. Seniors present their mother with a flower.
The last one I was at I heard at least a half dozen of these kids presented as 'so and so' child of 'mother's name'. No father mentioned. I started wondering how all these women came about having children without a partner???? A few of them I know the situation. These are women who are bitter about divorce and are trying to cut dad completely out of the picture. One of these dads was sitting right in the stands. Now maybe he's a shitty dad, husband, person in general but he's still that child's father. Maybe he didn't earn the right to stand by his kids side (I dont' know) but it doesn't change the facts of who the kids parents are.
I think it's the child that provides the information for the event but that leads me to believe many of them are products of PAS.
What do you all think? Is is right for a parent to be erased from their kids life? for what transgressions?
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BM lives out of state. I
BM lives out of state. I have ZERO doubt that she would be announced as mother and Stepdad would be announced as father at any events with skids. The sad part is, I can't disagree. Stepdad is raising them out of state and my husband signed away his right to keep the skids in-state so stepfather is the one who is there all the time and probably tosses the ball and teaches them things. So I would imagine BM would give credit to her husband for that plus DH wouldn't be there in most cases. The two things he will be there is graduation and their weddings which I know he will have the honor of walking his daughters down the aisle one day.
Now for my sons, it will be their mother and father announced even though my husband is MUCH more involved with my kid's sports. It doesn't matter. Their Dad gets that respect but I will hate it. And I will do something special for my husband for all he does for them.
My DH is very active and has
My DH is very active and has a good relationship with my kids but I have always left it with the kids how they wish to handle it. So far they have choosen to only present their real parents. I think it's more about wanting to seem 'normal' and not have four parents. I've told them both that they have a step dad and step mom who put a lot into their life and support them and if they want to include them they can do so. My thought was to make sure they knew they could follow their heart and not be concerned with how I would feel.
On the other hand if either of them tried to shut their dad out I would correct them and insist they acknowledge him no matter of how they are currently feeling towards him. He is still their father. It's a respect thing for me.
I have run several scenarios thru my head and most of them still play out that I think you are born to two parents, good or bad.
---Dad is in jail, still dad
---Dad is dead, still dad, alter the announcement to be son/daughter of so and so and the late dad's name.
---Dad is a true deadbeat, still dad. I wouldn't invite him but he still is announced. His absence says what it says about him.
---Dad is absent and lets step dad take the brunt of parenting. Dad is still dad. I have not problem with also including the step-parents, many times they are as much a parent.
I do think that if the other parent walks out from the start and has never been involved that might make it right for me.
I was wondering how others saw it.
Not talking about
Not talking about deadbeat/absent dads, but I've been thinking about the whole parents night things too... because my son plays a sport and every year they have parents night and in November they will have Veteran's Night.
At parents night, I'm not sure how this will work.... DH has been in DS14's life for 8 years, and my first DH is deceased. I guess I need to ask my son how he wants that handled -- just me with him? Me and DH? Of course he will want "and the son of late FirstDH"...
And then there's Veteran's night, where any of the players can recognize Veteran relatives... and FirstDH was a vet (Persian Gulf War I). Typically if the veteran is present, the player will escort the Vet while they are announced. DS14 said he wants to go it alone on that one, and carry an 8x10 picture of his dad (taken while standing on top of his tank somewhere in the middle of the Saudi desert).
Somebody have a box of kleenexes?
We had our first experience
We had our first experience with this last fall for my OBD parent's night during football season. She came home with the parents' night paper and said, "Are you guys going to be there?" I responded with "Of course I will be there dear!!! Why would I NOT be?" She asked, "And SF too? Is he going to walk across the field also?" My response was, "If you WANT him to I am sure he will. But that is your choice. You do not HAVE to have him introduced and walk across the field." My daughter responded with "He's my SF. He's a parent to me. He is at my games and watches me, hauls me around, helps pay for the uniform and supports me. Of course I want him to be there. He's more of a dad to me than dad is. He's my parent also." I told her I thought that it was wonderful she felt that way, and she should let her SF know that is how she feels so he knows it's coming from her and doesn't think it's just me including him. He felt so honored that she felt that way. However, she also said to me, "Do I have to tell Dad? He probably won't come anyway, he most likely has something better to do. He never comes to watch me, he's always got something else going on." This made me sad that my daughter felt that way. I told her, "Yes, you need to tell your father. You need to ask him to attend Parents Night. If he says he has something else going on and can't make it, well although that sucks that is his choice. At least you asked him. He IS your father and you need to give him the option of participating" As a side note, he initially told her he had to check his calendar because he wasn't sure what was going on that day (he's a school teacher...not a high profile business man). He got word that DH would be there and walking across the field representing OBD and he promptly called her and informed her he would be there. Of course it was last minute and they had to make changes to the announcement, but she walked out with me and DH on one side and her Dad on the other.
However, I fully expect that when my skids get to the parents' night age, I will not be invited to walk with DH and either SS. And that's okay. They are strongly manipulated by their mother and if that's how they feel, I'm okay with that.
Does make me proud though that I'm raising my children in such a way that they can see and appreciate and love those people in their lives who treat them well and love them too without feeling conflicted but feeling that recognizing those people who are important is important to do.
You should feel proud. You
You should feel proud. You are raising your kids exactly as I hope to be raising mine.