People treat you how you allow them. I would have picked up a photo, and asked "Hey SD, I notice you cut me out of this photo from the graduation party that I planned and threw for you. This is really hurtful. Why would you do that?" Make them confront it.

Honestly, I would bet that on a conscious level, they don't even realize they do it. It's so natural for them to think only of their bio-parents, they won't consider the place of a step until someone makes them. That someone SHOULD have been your DH long ago, but since he failed there, it falls to you.

Also edited to add this: It's pretty unfair to sit there and weep quietly at home later on, when the very act of you failing to address this like a mature adult is what allows it to happen and continue. That's a little bit of playing victim, and you aren't their victim.

What's the worst that would happen if you directly asked them? The worst they would say is "You know SM, we are really happy that our Dad is happy with you, but you just don't seem like family to me. Sorry." That's the worst that could happen, and it's not even that bad. At least then everyone would know their roles and expectations.

I'm sorry that she has made you feel like an outsider.
It seems to me that by not having any pictures of you with your DH that she is cutting you out of HER family. So what now? That's the question isn't it. If I were you, I would not try anymore. It seems that she does not appreciate the effort you have put into your relationship with her. As for the grandchild, that relationship will be tricky. I don't know what your expectations are, or what it is you want. Do you want to be a part of the child's life? If so, then you might have to talk to SD about what role you will play.

I cannot give much advice as my SD has a child and I have nothing to do with both of them.

My DH has 3 gkids. One actually born yesterday.

I realized very quickly, just like my role as a SM, I am only good for what they need or want and that beyond what I can do for them, they could care less about me.

It took me some time to deal with this and my feelings on this.

I distanced myself from Gkid1. (All 3 have been born within the past year and half) The other 2 live out of state, so I really dont have to worry about them. I have ZERO relationship with that SD.

But when MSD told us she was pregnant, I realized that the relationship with the baby would be the same as it is with her- ZILCH.

I didnt want to to put my heart on the line for the baby, only for that relationship to be taken away when MSD got mad at me, when I didnt do what she wanted to do.

So sadly I have no relationship with GB. I rarely even see him.

Its actually better this way. GKids can just be another pawn in the whole step situation with mean skids.

My niece just found out she is pregnant, so I am super happy about that and super excited that my time and energy and resources get to go into that baby and that my relationship with that baby will be appreciated.

I'm married to someone who has a 5 y/o grandkid. That's it. That's my "role". SD29 and I used to be friends, but now we're not. It's OK. I love being DH's wife. I have my own life with him and DD.

And to add more about the pictures. If she purposely cut you out of pics that she put in frames, that is just rude and that is your clue as to how she feels about you and what your role will be. Sorry

My DH and I both don't have a relationship with SD19 kid. My DH went and saw the baby when it was born, but other than that he does not have a relationship with his gkid. I don't know if its because of me. (we had a huge fight the night he went to see the baby) But the only time DH sees SD19 is when she wants money. So I think its best that we remain out of the picture.

OMG – I could so relate to your story!!!

About 10 years MSD came and told us that she was pregnant (this was the 1st grandchild in the family), we were thrilled. I really thought after all I’ve done for his adult kids, I finally get the “grandma” role. I was dead wrong! DH asked MSD what would the baby call me (grandma or Nana) and she bluntly said “Nothing – because she (meaning ME) is nothing to the baby!” I will never forget those words as long as I live, or how I felt at that moment, or how disgusted I was in DH for keeping his mouth shut. All other 5 adult kids who since had babies followed the same way!

Yes, I was invited to baby and wedding showers, but only to be found out when I got there my job was to help set-up, give the gift, and clean up. Of course, no one talked to me nor was my gifts or efforts ever acknowledged.
Like you and other SMs here, I know I’m not their mother, I DON’T WANT TO BE, I just wanted to be appreciated and respected as my role of DH’s wife. That hasn’t happened yet, and I know it never will, and I blame DH for all this hurt and pain! After 10 years, he still hasn’t found his balls!
When DH and I used our vacation time to visit his kids, I always noticed no pictures of me and DH in any house; yes, that hurt, so finally I thought I should reciprocate that feeling. Now there is 1 or 2 “family” pictures in our house and the rest are in buried in boxes in our spare bedroom. I refuse to hang or post a picture of ANYONE who has no respect for me!!!

I use to buy all the GKs toys to keep at our house when they come to visit. I use to help DH shop for Christmas and birthdays. I don’t do any of that anymore; DH just sends money.

I have learned to distanced myself to the point that I refuse to cook, clean, or shop whenever DH mentions they’re in town; DH has to do everything! I either make the choice of staying home and watch TV or read a book or I make plans to go out.

Like Zero said, “Now the gkids are just my husband's grandkids, just like his kids are his kids.”

MY grandson is MY grandson, and I have pictures EVERYWHERE!!!! And I dare them to say anything!

My role is ONLY being DH’s wife.

Sometimes the Hard to face reality is hard to accept. It's obvious, she hasn't accepted your marriage. Being treated with apathy is only effective when, you have put their opinions about you on a pedestal...Be careful you do not make an idol out of what these people think about you. There is only one person who has the right to speak into your identity because He created you and knows exactly what He put you here for...That is God. period...Do not give them His position...He sits in that seat alone. They do not get to speak into your identity anything less than who He says you are.

The hard to face reality is...they are not your children or grandchildren. That is truth. We end up being disappointed because we have a false belief that somehow we will be accepted by these people...Especially when they have made great strides to send the message that you do not matter to them...Like cutting you out of every picture...they are sending you the message that they do not accept your marriage as anything valid in their opinion...therefore...you do not matter...Many of us have had the same stinging message of rejection from our skids.

I finally was able to disengage for two years now...I realized, that instead of being a victim of their rejection...It was I that decided who to let into my world...I had been graceful long enough...I get it they carrie lots of baggage because of their broken family situation, and although I feel sorry for them at times...it does not justify treating me or my children like garbage.

So, I have decided to agree with their philosophy that their family is "none of my business"...I absolutely agree. They no longer receive any of the benefits they used to from knowing me. It is over. And life, since then has been peaceful...no more drama. It's good right now.

My advice to you is to go and be everything that God created you to be...and do not spend another minute of your life worrying about things that are not your concern...accept reality for what it is...Every time you find yourself thinking about them...remind yourself "it is none of my business" their lives are between them and the God they serve. Enjoy your DH...you are his wife....stop being a victim...Be who you are and enjoy your life...because life is too short
totkeep wasting it on this pointless battle with step kids...My only regret is how much time I wasted trying to fix something that wasn't mine to fix in the first place...you didn't break it and you cannot fix it...

Go out and enjoy your life while you can... be free from it...and turn your focus to something else..."What you focus on you empower."

What SD did was purposeful and hurtful. Her actions demonstrated that she was essentially 'cutting' you out of her life. Confronting her about it will put her on the defensive. So you must think of something else that will not only deliver a message to SD but also to DH. If you have any photos of SD in your home, move them to a place where they are seldom seen. Eventually remove them all together.

My DH expected SD's pictures to be fully displayed for all to see but when I went to her house our pictures were never up. I can understand this could cause problems when BM visited her but it just seemed a bit one-sided. Plus, she treated me pretty much like your SD treats you - invisible. So SD's pictures were 'lost' one Christmas when we put up decorations - a handy time to do it. They never have been 'found'.

You sound like a very kind and giving person. You deserve respect and it must be mutual or you will wind up emotionally bankrupt. Let SD have her wish. Your DH can do what he wants but don't do anything else for her - especially if it involves money. Look at this in a positive light. You will get over the hurt but in the long run, it will be your SD and DH who will be losing out. You will be too busy with people who love you.

Aqua-Luna . I know from experience about SGK'S. I wanted to be close with my SGK'S but SS and SD will use them against you especially if you get lucky enough to bond with them. Please dont bond with your SGK'S. Your steps will stop you from seeing them and tell your DH he is the only one that can see them and they will make your DH choose him or the grandkids. I have my SGK taken away from me when she was 3 . She and I was very close .We loved each other very much . Then there was a conflict in the family .I stood my ground with my SS and his wife and from that day forward I havent seen my SGK since . She is 6 years old now . It really dont matter what you do they will take them away from you just because they can. I see my SGK every now and then in a store but SD leaves the store when she sees me . I have never been so broken and hurt from not seeing my SGK. I ended up in counseling for a long time . I am better now but I still miss SGK very much . Your SD doesnt want you to be part of her child life . She is really doing you a favor . Save yourself from a very painful situation and dont be a SGP. Dont babysit or buy gifts for the baby . SD will want your gifts but that will be all she will want . Keep us posted in the future. Blessings to you:)

Your SD sounds pathetic.

I have been a step grandmother for several years. I learned early that I was good for babysitting and gifts. I don't babysit or buy gifts anymore. But, I have my own grands so who cares. lol I am not invested in stepgrand's lives. I look at it this way - she has a grandmother. (even if she is not as cool as me. lol)
My dh is very close to my granddaughter. Why? Maybe because my daughter wants her stepdad (my dh)in her daughter's life. My daughter loved her step granddad dearly. She had a good experience and wanted the same for her daughter.
Ysd's baby is 9 months old. She didn't have anything to do with us for a couple of years. Now, she wants to be part of my family. Sorry kiddo doesn't work that way. Ysd's mom died when she was 14. I think she is looking for a substitute grandmother. I keep thinking you are barking up the wrong tree. I am not going there.

SD made it clear she does not want to see you in her house via pictures. I'd take that one step further and not darken her doorstep in person. Seeing photos w/yourself cut out is very hurtful. Why expose yourself to it any further?

I went through this hurt 2 years ago when I was summarily excused from my much anticipated, and loved, SGS's life. have seen him once in almost 2 years. He's 26 months old. The pain I felt was excruciating. I have no bio kids so the loss was even more for me. I mourned the loss of not having a family for a long time and I'm still not completely over it, as with any grief. Facing the truth was key. The truth was SD didn't want me in her life or her kid's life. One of the SSs feels the same and the other SS is marginal.

The big thing to realize is this has nothing to do with you. ..Aqua-Luna. It has to do with the stepmother role. Anyone would be treated the same as you are. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. It takes time to mourn the loss of what you'd hoped would be. The truth is they don't want you in their life. Don't assign any more meaning to this. It just is. It's not s judgment or a statement about you as a person. It his is their issue, don't make it yours.

I'm so sorry. It's such a painful thing to go through.

My DH has 2 granddaughters, and I have no role in their lives. That is how I like it. Someday, my children will have kids, then I will have my own grand kids. Then I will have a role. I have never considered myself a step grandma. Not gonna put myself out there, just to get kicked in the teeth.
F that.

In The Boat with you, you are Not alone, Sister!

I am so sorry they are treating you this way,but totally agree with others who posted here that this is happening because they Can do it,and your DH is not stopping them. I have a similar situation, with a few "fun" twist:
The ex moved 4 states away, TG, and is here Maybe 6 days a year, yet she is the "beautiful,amazing mother in law", on dil's Facebook page, come her bday, and I get nothing. I have done SO much for older ss/dil child,including the Only Easter egg hunt he got this year, etc. My DH Insists these people "love" me, yet I had a terrible flu last spring that kept me down for 2 months,and never got one text, call, card, etc. That aint "love", in my book. If there is a choice, DH chooses them,though they are rude and arrogant, always late, dump him at the last minute,etc.

I know this is hard,but you Have to detach. If your dh doesn't do anything about this, then neither can you...Overtly. But, if you detach,and do as You want to, then you control your outcome..you cannot control how they behave, but you can control how it makes you feel. They are wrong,but that will never change. Once I realized that, and began to minimize time with them I felt better.

Again, I am sorry,as they are missing out on a loving, caring person like You,but that is Their problem,and no longer yours.

Sincerely,
PB