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My resentment of SS is killing my marriage

SadandMad's picture

Submitted by SadandMad on Mon, 09/29/2014 - 1:55pm

I have been married to dh for 14 years. When we met, ss was three and had been living with maternal grandparents. Last year, ss, now 16 years old, moved in with us for the first time ever because of supposed sexual abuse issues at the home of maternal grandparents. I said that of course ss should come to live with us. I had no idea that ss had a ton of mental illness problems which would require hospitalization. There were also other issues which would be too identifying to post here.As a family, we are through the crisis, and ss is on medication but ss is still very needy.

I have to be honest, dealing with all of these problems was hard, but the hardest thing now that things are no longer in crisis mode is that I HATE sharing dh. Last year was so hard, and I am so resentful. I can't shed my anger, and I don't want to spend "family time" with ss. I just want it to be me and dh, and I'll never have that again. I've read books on letting go of anger, but they are not helping me and things with dh are bad now too. We talk about divorce. He talks about "giving me the freedom to move on" and I'm so angry that we can't just kick out ss. We are all miserable. Does anyone else HATE sharing their spouse with skid so much that they are considering divorce???

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ChickieDee's picture

Submitted by ChickieDee on Mon, 09/29/2014 - 2:21pm

This is really hard. I'm sorry that you're going through this. If SS is going through these kind of mental issues, your husband is not going to abandon him now. Would you really be comfortable if your husband would put your need for attention ahead of his sons need for stability and love?

If you love your husband and want this relationship to work and last, how are you willing to compromise? Will you try therapy? Alone or couples? Your family has been through a traumatic ordeal, you could all probably use a little help.

It sucks when your life is turned upside down by other people's choices and issues. That could be true if your DH didn't have a child. It could have been his mother or brother or his own health.

I guess, figure out what it is that you really need and try not to waste your time focused on not getting your way. I hope your SS gets better and that your life with your DH improves.

I'm giving you advice that I need to take myself. So if I seem harsh, it's meant for me too.

Focus on how you can make this situation better. Focus on how difficult and scary this must be for your DH. Don't focus so much on how you feel and what you need. Don't give into the HATE because you'll feed it and things will get worse. I'm not suggesting that your needs shouldn't be met but maybe you and your husband can carve out a little alone time? Don't add to his stress right now. I can't imagine the guilt he must feel knowing that his son was with grandparents and something terrible happened.

Decide what you want and fight like hell for that. If you want your husband, figure out how to improve things or at least wait it out. Do your best and if it doesn't work, walk away knowing your tried.