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22 Year Old Stepson won't get a job

Gidget's picture

I am so glad I found this site....I'm about at my wits end! I have been married to my second Husband (second marriage for both of us) for almost 6 years. When we first met, my Husband and his ex-wife had joint custody of my stepson. When my stepson turned 18, he had a big fight with his Mom, packed up all of his stuff and moved in with us full time (without any discussion). He graduated high school and went to community college and successfully completed 2 years. He started going to a 4 year University after that and lived at home. The first semester, he underestimated the level of effort necessary at a big college and wasn't going to class....needless to say, he was put on academic probation. The second semester, he put in an effort and did really well. The beginning of the second year, he started not going to class again, staying up all night playing on-line games and flunked out...they kicked him out of school. Well, it's been almost a year and he isn't doing anything except going to a trainer (that his Mom is paying for) three days a week because he says he wants to go into the military and needs to pass a physical test. He isn't working, he stays up all night playing online games and he sleeps all day. He doesn't do anything around the house...he doesn't even know how to start a lawn mower. This doesn't seem abnormal to my Husband at all, who can't understand why I am so irritated by this. BTW...we paid for his 2 years of community college and half of his tuition for the University. I want this kid to get a job, go back to school or move in with his Mother (who lives close by). I haven't had a relationship with his Mom since he turned 18 so I can't get any help from her and my Husband would be really ticked if I talk to her. I am getting more and more resentful as the days go by. I'm thinking about telling my stepson that he has 30 days to get steady job, go into the military or go back to school or he needs to think about living with his Mom. I'll also mention that I am making him pay his car insurance and cell phone bill, monthly and he doesn't ask us for money...he has money that he saved up over the years and has been living off that....also, his Mom is very wealthy so it wouldn't surprise me if she is giving him money....

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I wonder if DH is giving him this freedom because he doesn't want to deal with BM as well? I have had trouble in my own home lately with my DH being a Disney Dad and my SD13 batting her eyelashes at him. While she screws up all over the place. I have enlightened DH to her antics and have asked them BOTH what they are going to do to change her grades, to have her be more responsible? Maybe you can try this with your DH. It won't be pretty, there might be some arguing, but tell him you won't stand for the irresponsibility in your home. From a 22 year old! Tell DH about your idea to give him an ultimatum. Give SS22 the 30-day notice and if he wants 60 before enlisting in the military, hold him to it. Two months is not that long of a time. Tell him he needs to work on being awake at a normal time and not sleeping all day. Quite the opposite of the military.....

~ Moon

Gidget's picture

Thank you for the reply Moon....

I know this may not sound right but I wasn't going to talk to my Husband about the ultimatum. He would NEVER support it. I am hoping by giving my SS a deadline that he will listen and no further action will be necessary....but he has lied to me over many years, telling me he is going to get a job, going to school, etc... and that wasn't the case so I'm not holding my breath. Also, my Husband has medical issues and was recently diagnosed with early onset dementia (and he is only 50), which makes this more complicated because he can't handle conflict of any kind at the moment. I am so done with being mad about this and having this kid lying around my house. It really irks me when I've worked all day and he comes out of his room in his pajamas and is yawning like he has had a rough day....I am to the point that I don't even want to be around him. Other than this, he is a good kid.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Sorry to hear about your DH's health issues, Gidget. Welcome to this site. You will find much food for thought around here.

Your SS sounds like a decent enough lad who lacks motivation and focus. If you have a good relationship, you could offer to help him in any way you can in the next 30 days, but after that he needs to take responsibility for himself. It is not healthy for HIM to be leading this life style. Does he know about his dad's diagnosis? Could that be the jolt he needs to grow up a bit?

Gidget's picture

Hi Pilgrim and thanks for the welcome...

I have talked to my SS numerous times about his Dad's condition, I've asked him to step up and help out more, to no avail. I also talked to him about 4 months ago and told him he needs to do something because it's causing stress in the house...still nothing. It's like I'm talking to a wall. He stays in his room and plays online games day and night unless we watch a movie. I don't like feeling this way about him....but it's like he has no motivation to do anything. His Mom would NEVER tolerate this. If he lived with her, he would probably be in his senior year of college by now....she doesn't play around which is probably why he lives with us and I think my Husband gets some sort of satisfaction that he lives with us and not her (they had a bitter divorce)

Rags's picture

If he is in your home turn him in to your chore bitch. Work his ass off. Keep ramping up the ever increasing chore list including scrubbing toilets every day, sweeping, moping, cleaning windows, screens, blinds, base boards, crown milding, vacuuming, mopping, sweeping, cleaning the fence, cleaning the outside of your home, touch up painting all surfaces, washing cars, weeding, moving, landscaping, mulching, scrubbing the garage floor, driveway, curbs and sidewalks, etc....

He will march is butt down to the recruiter and enlist in a hurry. This worked for my Skid when he finished HS. He enlisted and attended BMT several months before he turned 18. He is doing great.

still learning's picture

My DH did this with both of his sons, luckily we weren't married for most of it. His youngest dropped out of high school then lived at home for years just gaming and partying. He finally got his GED then went into the military. He was successful for several years then got kicked out and is now living with his in-laws. The oldest went into the military and did great for about 5 years then also got kicked out of the military. He promptly ran home to daddy and played video games and got stoned for years. He went between mommy and daddy and was miraculously living on his own when we got married then tried to live on our couch at 29 yrs old.

Parents who enable their children like this turn them into weak spineless losers who can't deal with reality. I've had to keep a strong boundary of "no able bodied unemployed adults living here." I've since been accused of "driving a wedge between ss(now)30 and his father," "making ss30 uncomfortable in HIS own home." I just have to laugh, I and most adults my age I know never had the luxury of extreme mooching off their parents.

One bit of advice though is that DH will need to be the one to approach and enforce these issues with SS, not you. You can be behind and supporting it all but he needs to be the one to actually lay down the law with his son.

Rags's picture

The 30 day thing is a good idea. To put some flames under him to get him to jump I would tell him that on day 30 the locksmith will arrive to rekey the locks and his stuff is out or it goes in the donation box at GoodWill or the Salvation Army. If he has not made an effort he will be throwing his stuff out the window as the locksmith is changing rekeying the locks.

Stick to your guns.

Cboat75's picture

Hey Gidget, what's going on? What, never mind I know the answer to that question. Duh, I just read your post. Anyway, I think you, yourself hit the nail on the head when you used the term "resentful". That's a powerful word that carries a ton of weight. You have to ask yourself, is it really the kids fault? No, not really. He was probably raised with a certain life style. Was, probably given everything he has ever had and never had to work for it. I say this because many moons ago I was that kid. I got away with a lot of stuff, was given everything I had, without working for it! At school teachers gave me a lot of leniency. And it was all in the name of "My BD having nothing to do with me, and my SF passing away when I was 16.". Adults and parents alike get into this weird mode when they feel sorry for kiddos. They seem to think they deserve it easy. And, sure that seems like a great idea at first, but hinders children in the starting stages in life. When I got older, around that same age my BM had been re-married and my step father did the same thing. Got after me and after me, and it went in one ear and out the other.And in my pea brain I remember thinking, this guy is not even taking the time to talk to me, cause all he wants to do is talk (AT) me. And that's the big difference. Also by him yelling at me all the time it only made my mom mad at him and she would take up for me. I saw that and took advantage.

So, maybe you take a different approach. Instead of being resentful towards him, help him. By that I mean sit with him, ask to play a game. Try to get into his mind set. Hell who knows, maybe he has some unsolved issues he is still fighting with. Then help him reach his goal. Give him the support he needs. Lord knows, by the sound of it he has had no parent (teaching about life time) at all or very little. You have a chance to become a very important figure in this young mans life. I know, it's hard and frustrating. But maybe in his mind he feels what's the point. It's your job to show him the point.

Again, I'm not trying to beat you up or anything like that. I just wanted to give you the point of view from a kiddo that was just like that.

In the end, I do hope it all works out for you all.

Gidget's picture

Thank all of you for your responses. As you can imagine, I am SO tired of dealing (or not dealing with this).

Cboat....you hit the nail on the head in more ways than one......I have very conflicted emotions because I care about him and yet I am resentful. I have sat down with him and had talks, many times (he talks to me more than his Dad)....I've played games with him, taken him to lunch, the movies, etc......but that hasn't worked. Logically, when I take my emotions out of it, which is hard to do, I think that it isn't his fault because he was raised this way by both his Mom and his Dad. His Mom is a lot tougher than his Dad, which is why I think he lives with us. She would not allow him to sit at home, not work and not go to school, sleep all day and play games all night. His Dad is the bigger enabler and my SS knows this and plays on it. His also knows his Dad will back him no matter what I say (although, I think my Husband can see this but just won't admit it). I get no support from my Husband with any of this....as far as he is concerned, it would be okay for him to keep going like this. I know that this isn't healthy for my SS, my Husband or Me. I also think we are dealing with a gaming addiction.......which my Husband has mentioned before but doesn't have the capacity to deal with and if I try to intervene, well....we know the story.

It's gotten to the point that I have thought about contacting his Mother because I don't think she is aware of what's going on, thinking that at least one of his biological parents could step in and help out. I haven't talked to her in 4 years but the thought has crossed my mind. He sees her at least 3 times per week but who knows what he is telling her.
The only thing stopping me is that I probably wouldn't tell my Husband that I reached out to her because he would be mad.

I am going to go the 30 day route and see what happens....I am hoping that this will be enough to get him moving. I've talked to him before but never set a deadline. I'm thinking if I start questioning him weekly about making progress, he will feel the pressure and hopefully do something.

sandye21's picture

I think you have given yourself the best advice: The 30 day notice. He is lucky that he has many options available to him. You are not throwing him out on the street. Don't be surprised if there are a few hard feelings but no one is doing him any favors by enabling him to sit around and not get on with his life as an adult. In the end he might thank you.

Poodle's picture

Do you think the BM would be prepared to keep from your DH that you had spoken to her? You've more than once mentioned that you think she can actually be of help.
Or your DH's physician? The idea of sitting down with the kid and him/her and getting him/her to explain exactly how to support his dad at the onset of this condition? Treating him adult to adult, as if he should be taking shared responsibility for this as he resides with him? Could this trigger a change?