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But I don't WANT to!

hangingbyathread6's picture

So I'm sitting at the table with OBD assisting with homework...into hour two btw...when DH comes by on his way to get dressed for work and says "hey hanging can you come here?" Now I will admit...slightly irritated...he knows I'm helping BD, he knows she is struggling and my straight A student just isn't getting geometry and has a poor grade, so I'm thinking to myself "really? You know what I'm doing...I've been at it for about two hours...what could you possibly need me for?" So I tell my daughter, keep working on that and I'll be right back. I go to our room and DH says, "we need to figure out how to get the kids (skids and my bios) on xyz weekend because they are throwing a bday party for my sister (who has cancer and has been fighting it for three years) and it's not our weekend"

UGH!! First, WHY do you wait until ten minutes before you are walking out the door to start this conversation, especially when I am in the MIDDLE of helping OBD with school work? I didn't start school work until after dinner and I was home for two hours PRIOR to dinner, so why didn't you bring it up then? (And yes, he already knew about it). Second, I am in the middle of a custody battle with my ex who is trying to get EOW custody and one of my big points (other than this schedule has been in effect for 3 1/2 years) is he doesn't spend the time he has with the kids as it is, they are left with gf, or alone to babysit gf's kids and now you want me to ask him for a "favor" that requires him to give up his time with his kids? Third, you're family doesn't even acknowledge MY kids so therefore it is not important for MY kids to be there. Fourth, I want nothing to do with your mother....you KNOW this...she is evil and I don't want to be in the same room as her if I don't have to be. Fifth, I'm sure your EX wife will happily bring the kids to the party, and I am SURE she is invited, what with her and YOUR mother being all BFFs and all. Sixth...I have even LESS desire to be near your exW as i do your mother.
When I simply say, well I doubt I would be able to get my kids and he starts on looking into a "switching" of weekends and I walk away to continue with OBD's homework he got a little pissy. You had ALL night to bring it up. Don't start with it right before you are leaving when you know I could care less to spend time with your mother, ex wife, or for that matter your family in general. I don't have an issue per se with SIL, however MIL was just a couple weeks ago threatening to take DH to court for money she says he owes her (not true) and for custody of his sons with the help of BIL (SIL's hubby). So you know she spouted off to SIL and BIl. You know they got her side of the story. You know more than likely that bitch BM will be there and I just don't know that i can hold my tongue that well...and I see no reason to involve my kids in it.

So how in the hell am I going to get out of this one without looking like the evil bitch who doesn't care that DH's sister is dying (words my MIL has used numerous times, even though I have done many many things to help out) ?
What part of "I want nothing to do with your mother" wasn't clear?

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hangingbyathread6's picture

Lol! Holding crack babies. Well if I thought that would get me out of it, I would. However I live I. A small rural town and we don't have a big problem with that.

I have absolutely no intention of asking my exH for any "favors" whole in the midst of this custody battle. None. My kids are consistently overlooked by MIL and have been left out even by SIL (who was two of my kids' teacher in head start) after DH and I got together. BM is always around and with her and MIL's tight little bond these days I know darn well she would be there. Just two years ago MIL had BM go to her home for Christmas dinner with my husband's sister and her family. Because who knew how long SIL would be around and she wanted to give skids a "special" gift (an Xbox) and it was for SKIDS and to go to their mother's home...even though we were living together and became engaged about a month after Christmas. All this while DH and I were home alone because for the holiday that year the other parents got the afternoon/evening.

My kids are nothing to any of them quite honestly. I have no desire to be anywhere near my MIL. It wouldn't surprise me if there was a family photo planned...that included BM even though her and DH have been divorced for 8 years! My BFF tells me I have to go. I have to be the bigger person. That I need to put on my big girl pants and smile and deal with it. My concern is that if (and really it most likely WILL happen) that either MIL or BM give me any crap I will let them know where they can fly. I haven't spoken to my MIL in about 7 months. Have no desire to. She constantly bad mouths me to skids and her son, along with anyone who wants to listen to her sob story of lies. Then I will be the jerk that told MIL or BM off at my husband's dying sister's bday party. Maybe I can fake the flu? But then part of me thinks "okay...go...and let the, be assholes to you and you can look right at DH and say 'see? Now don't ask me again. Don't put me I. Ethos situation again. And you best pick whose side you are going to be in and stick with it'".

What I do know...I'm going to need to pack a few mini bottles to get me through it, but I don't Intend on subjecting my bios to that bullshit. They don't need to be treated like crap and they sure don't need to see any crap go in. The last time MIL was off the charts psycho and I disengaged from her was about 6 months before my wedding. She of course after threatening to not come, and wanting to bring BM (so she could see her sons all dressed up...uhhh F NO!) showed up....late...and then made a big production of telling me how she is SO HAPPY for us and SHE LOVES ME and LET'S PLEASE BE A FAMILY AND FORGET ALL OF THIS. I just smiled and nodded and posed for the pics..lady I'm not stupid and I'm not gullible and I don't trust you as far as I can throw you, and I sure as HELL am not going to let you ruin our day.

I really dislike her. Lots. Lots and lots. Damn...I'm going to have to go and pour another glass of wine now.

hangingbyathread6's picture

This is exactly how I feel! I-m so happy Apparently he is again speaking with his mother. It must have started last week sometime, of course he did not inform me that they are again talking, nor did he talk to me about it and that he had set boundaries with her that she needed to respect if she wanted a relationship with him (as we discussed and he agreed to in counseling that would happen if him and his mother spoke again, rather than call her up and poke the bear so to speak). She left three messages on his phone last Tuesday..."call me." "We really need to talk" "you NEED to call me" Of course, he returned her call, because on Friday, she conveniently needed something (a vacuum) so he ran one over to her (we have two) I never said a word because I am not engaging with the woman, nor discussing her with my H unless he wants to discuss that the situation and expectations have been explained. He hasn't said a peep about ANY conversation with his mother. Had I not been right next to him when she called for a vacuum, I would not have known they were speaking until he brought it up about the party last night.

I will not ask my exH for time for my kids for a party that is for H's sister. H is not happy with me this morning as I said, "do you want to discuss what you brought up last night?" He responded "you didn't want to talk about it last night and you told me your kids won't be there so I'll just take mine and go" I said "well when you brought it up, you know I was in the middle of something. How long did you know about it? At least since yesterday afternoon and yet you chose to not say anything until ten minutes before you were leaving and while I was in the middle of something important. I'm sure exW will bring your kids there, or you can, whichever. She will be there won't she?" His response, "I have no idea." Which means either A- you know she will be or B- you have the same feeling I have that yes she will be there you just didn't broach the subject with mommy dearest.

If H wants me to go with him, I will go but I will only stay as long as MIL and BM keep themselves in check. The FIRST time I get any type of shit from either of them H will get "the look" and I will walk out the door.

Sports Fan's picture

I think you should only go if BM isn't there. Wasn't that part of the new agreement? DH's family was suppose to stop inviting her to things. Otherwise MIL is right back to her old ways.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

He is playing on emotions ~ stand strong.

You have so much on your plate right now with your Ex ~ your DH is hearing what he wants.

If you enjoy sister in law ~ after the party is done. Call her during the week n catch lunch with her. If that's something you want to do. Your MIL is playing the emotional card to your DH. That doesn't have to involve you if the guest who will be there are not your cup of tea.

Tell DH ~ for obvious reason I do not wish to attend n obviously you are not hearing my numerous issues as to why. I don't want to cause a scene at this party ~ I will not bite my tongue for your asshole behavior any longer. You want me to go ~ do you want me to open a can of whoop ass ???