At a crossroad - betrayals and disengagement.

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I have had a lot of problems over the years with DH and SD. WE had marital issues over the fights about SD (who is now 36) married with 3 kids. Of course once Gkids came along I became the loving step-gramma, until the demands and criticism got to me.

Things just escalated and it felt like DH and SD ganged up on me and were emotionally abusive. I got very sick and the stress at that time (around 4 years ago) nearly killed me.

I disengaged 2 years ago approx. and although I have been in their company together a few times, it is never comfortable and easy. So I stay away as much as I can.

DH doesn't see SD as much anymore since we moved away, but everytime he makes plans with her and gkids I feel betrayed. He apologized for his part and promised it would never happen again but I just don't trust him still.

SD has what she wanted all along now - no SM - since I am rarely around anymore. DH going to see her feels like he is betraying me and loving my enemy - or the other woman. That is how it felt for a long time - like she was the other woman - very sick.

I cannot get my mind to accept the situation as it is. I feel disconnected from DH because he still thinks SD did nothing wrong and sticks up for her.

I feel so sad right now since it is SGK birthday this weekend and I am sure they are planning something and I am for sure excluded as usual. Now I don't really want to go anyway so why do I care that I am excluded - this is what I don't really understand. My mind is playing weird tricks on me right now and sometimes I just wish he would go away and stay away because of all the step-shit.

Any advise on how to get over this hump would be appreciated. Thanks.

Have you seen a therapist?

Have you seen a therapist? Sounds like that was some serious emotional shit if it got that bad, and I strongly suspect you need to talk to someone IRL and not on a blog about it.

For what it's worth, I can understand why you feel the way you do. You don't want to go, but you don't want them to tell you that you CAN'T either. You want your DH on your side. Totally understandable. About all I can say is that a lot of SM's here take the approach you're living with and it's what they prefer - "You have whatever relationship with your kids you want, just leave me out of it."

You sound like a nice person.

You sound like a nice person. Let them do their thing, who cares. I hope I NEVER get invited to any step-grandkids stuff ever- ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the thought is excruciating to me, since the dysfunction and trash behavior will be amplified into the next generation (my stomach just turned).

If you want to be appreciated, volunteer for a children's hospital, spend time with people that need and appreciate you, not some rejectful brats.

Go where you are celebrated!

Yes, all of this.

I will emphasize the advice

I will emphasize the advice to do something awesome for yourself when this happens. You have to retrain your brain. And spend money if you can! There's something liberating about doing it for yourself and perfectly balances what he is doing for himself that feels like a betrayal.

So check into a luxury hotel for a night and get room service. Or sign up for a bus trip to a not too far fun destination (my mil does this all the time). Go to a movie marathon. Or hop a plane and go visit your own loved one (kid, cousin, college roommate).

Volunteering is also a great idea. Surround yourself with people who love you and need you and want you.

Lotta great advice in above posts, I just wanted to emphasize this particular concept.

^^^This^^^ is SO important!

^^^This^^^ is SO important! Sometimes it felt like SD was the 'other woman' also, especially when she and DH would walk in front of me on the sidewalk like I was invisible. So I understand. But if you want a healthy way to get revenge, the best way to do it is have fun without them and let it show on your face. Treat yourself to something special, such as going on a trip with a friend. Make yourself so occupied with something else that you have no time to think of either SD or DH.

Let them do their own thing.

Let them do their own thing. You should not feel bad about any of it. You do not have to deal with the SD if she doesn't treat you right. Your DH would probably bring you along if you indicated that you wanted to go for the GK's birthday, but that would be entirely up to you.

When you disengage and get what you want due to poor treatment from the SD, this is what happens. Your DH has the right to see his daughter and SK's with or without you.

The SD is not the "other woman", she is his daughter. You know what the saying is: A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter's a daughter all of her life.

Even with my Twit I would be crossing a BIG line with DH if I ever even indicated that he could not see her. And, as crazy as Twit is, I really don't care if he visits her, has lunch with her, etc. All I ask is that he doesn't bring crazy back with him.

Whilst I agree with other

Whilst I agree with other posters and am disengaged in that exact way, I do recognize that twinge of hurt that you mention when DH behaves in the "Other Woman"ish way about his meetings with my OSD. I have identified that in my case this happens when he does not tell me that he is going to have a meeting or meal, for example during his working day going out to lunch with her, but I've identified also that what hurts about that is if it slips out days later as a casual aside -- almost as if I am to be hoodwinked, as if I was a bad fairy that would have prevented it happening. This makes me sick but I have successfully got rid of a lot of that by having that out with my DH and explaining to him exactly why that is nasty for me. He now is reducing that sort of behavior and therefore I recommend that approach to you if that is a component of your situation.
Another thing I would add to the brilliant advice above about doing your own thing during times when they are together relates to the feeling I have that you come over as feeling lonely and outnumbered when they do this. Therefore, as part of your plans for when they are out together, I would add into the mix the idea of inviting a dear friend or relative to your actual home to do stuff together based around there. That could convey to your DH that you have an emotional base close to home too, from which he is excluded. I'm not suggesting being competitive or tit-for-tat but simply conveying a balanaced message about your own needs for friendship and loyalty.

Luckily SD lives 2 hours away

Luckily SD lives 2 hours away so they no longer "sneak" around. However plans are made and discussed and I usually don't hear about them until a couple of days before.

I will look into getting involved in some volunteer stuff but I do still work fulltime so I don't have a lot of spare time.

I have actually been with Dh almost 24 years and SD must be 38 turning 39 soon, as she was 14 when I came along. DH had 50 50 custody. It has been a very long road to finally reach this lonely hell.

OMG I could have written this

OMG I could have written this post.

The last straw for me was when she tried to get me and dad to fight before her wedding.
Some of them never stop this bullshit.

The only way I could deal with all of it was to completely disengage from both SD and DH emotionally. It's a hard thing and can feel very wrong in the beginning but it's the only thing that saved my sanity and stopped my continuous anger over years of bullshit from both of them.

I totally agree with above

I totally agree with above post. Wrong needs to be called wrong. How will SD learn to do what's right if DH does not correct her bad behavior and attitudes? Just allowing her to go on only promotes more bad behavior and DH acceptance of it

2 more cents worth
Rosie2

DH always pulls the gkid card

DH always pulls the gkid card when the subject comes up. He angrily states, I am NOT going to stop seeing my gkids"

Funny thing is when he sees them he chats with them for a few min then they go off to play and he sits and gossips with SD.

There isn't all that much interaction with said gkids. I don't know I must be missing something.

I did tell him how I feel last night and he asked what do you want me to do? I said just be supportive and understand why I feel hurt. I need the validation. It didn't end well and he slept in the spare room.

Edited to add: at one point DH started saying, "you ladies just can't get along" and I lost it. I said DO not put me in the same bucket. I did not do all the mean hurtful things SD did. I just got more frustrated and then angry. I am not cut from the same cloth as SD, that was such as insult.

Hi SA, I understand the logic

Hi SA, I understand the logic and how it might possibly work, BUT, the exclusion has been so blatant that I feel like I would be grovelling. I cannot do that anymore. I think I tried last year and then she began vocalizing to DH that she didn't want me to be around.

Then she held the baby shower for YSD and also excluded me which was very rude IMO. There were several incidents last year that were just too obvious to ignore. I really don't want to go where I am not wanted. That would be an awful feeling too - maybe worse than I feel right now.

There is soo much water under the bridge I just cannot see this changing unless DH takes charge and becomes a better husband.

He is such a wimp when it comes to his SD / Gkids. I don't know what will happen but it gets harder all the time.

Thanks for the ideas though - something to think about - maybe down the road that approach might work.

Hi Lucky! It's good to see

Hi Lucky!

It's good to see you here.

Sounds like you're coming to terms with your own fubar situation

Hope you're doing well.

You-not particularly you OP,

You-not particularly you OP, but generalized - are in a losing battle if you think you can keep a parent away from a child unless they make that decision.

Me, I have no problem if my DH wants to see his daughter, whom I have disengaged from. Of course, she doesn't have time for him unless she wants something and wants it badly....RV, dog sitting, drunkie checkup and babysitting.

I have never, and will never, stop him if he wants to visit her. I just ask that he not do it at our house. I don't want to have to "check the silver, etc." after his daughter visits because she covets anything nice any one has. Before I shaped him up, DH use to give her whatever it was she was lusting after when she visited. Ex., have a nice picture and DH would say, oh take it, we don't really need it, etc. The first time he tried this with my stuff, my antiques etc., I stopped him cold in his tracks and took it away from SD with a comment that it was not his to give.

Anyway, should DH want to spend time with Twit, I will gladly take myself out shopping, for a nice dinner (no McDonalds here) and a show. The few times in the past he has gone down to "visit" with her he is generally hungry when he comes back because she is too cheap to feed him. And I am not kidding there at all.

FWIW, those that have read my posts know of the Christmas "dinner" SD invited us for. Toldus to come by 11:00 a.m., served us frozen pizza a can of pop and pretty much threw us out of the house before l:00 p.m. Found out later from one of her babies that after we were gone she cooked a ham with all the trimmings for themselves! Can you believe it? I was shocked when I found that out needless to say and I just found this out!

But, fast forward to Labor Day weekend and she is trying to get us to "go in with her" on an RV, you know, we buy it and she uses it.

I never said I was trying to

I never said I was trying to keep DH FROM his child. I only want help with dealing with the divided family. This is definitely not what I envisioned for our older years when we should all be at peace.

Heaven forbid A bio parent put some healthy boundaries in place - that's their Child. I just need to suck it up.
That's pretty much what I have been doing. I am looking into some things to do to meet new people, since we moved away from my support network along with the steps.

Thanks to all who have been supportive.

Oh 20years, dealing with Twit

Oh 20years, dealing with Twit is definitely something I never envisioned at this stage in my life.

There is hope, at least there was with DH. He has put limits on Twit. He doesn't favor her or expect me to suck up the carp she delivers. I know he sorely wishes things were different, but they are not. After one of Twit's escapades, that about wanting us to "go in" on the RV, I actually saw him wiping tears away from his eyes when he thought no one was around.

In his case it must be devastating to realize just what a nut case Twit is, and I guess one must mourn what is reality from what he must have hoped things would be with her in all ways.

Dear 20 years, I wish you were here where I could give you a big hug and let you know face-to-face how much I understand. This stuff is tough and, sadly, we must face that it will probably peg us the rest of our days. All we can do is try to do things to keep us from SD's rants and tantrums and to put her in her place when she really freaks out.

Iluvmykids - You are right

Iluvmykids - You are right on. Adult children, on both sides, should not make their parent/step-parents lifes intolerable. Sadly, it happens in a lot of second marriages.

I, for one, never thought there would be a step problem as when DH and I married, my DD was out of college and into a career and life of her own (and she adores my hubby and gets along fine with him). Two of DH's adult children are great, we get along, keep in touch, etc. It is only Twit that is the problem, and what a problem she is.

I sometimes watch the robins that nest near our house and wonder if their hatchlings keep coming back and causing them problems. Iknow once they get kicked out of the nest they don't go back.

I learned long ago to not

I learned long ago to not tolerate the presence of toxic people in my life. This has cost me some very close friendships with people who became toxic long after we became friends and even cost me a marriage. Thankfully.

Purging the toxic from my life is the best commitment I have ever made to myself. It gives me far more time and energy to invest in the amazing and quality people in my life.

I do not stop the quality people in my life from spending time or events with toxic people. I just let them know that I will participate at my discretion and if I do choose to attend and participate that if the toxic idiots pull their usual shit I will bare their idiot asses. The decision is entirely mine and on my terms.

Usually the quality people in my life thank me for not attending. :O :? }:)

Give your DH the same message. He will very likely adjust his interface with your toxic SD a bit and let you know that he appreciates that you will stay home occasionally.

Thanks Rags. Great input.

Disengaging from DF's

Disengaging from DF's daughter for going on 3 years ~ the silence and drama free life is PRICELESS !!! I stand my ground.

He is reconnecting with her ~ but totally according to her script. He asks to have lunch with her n she has declined the last 3 times. Maybe she is busy but deep down I believe she is trying to hurt him. Manipulating him to chose ~ I however have made it clear that I want him to have a relationship with her. I whole heartedly believe ~ it's what he needs to do ~ it keeps him happy. But what he is not happy about is that he can't discuss it with me. It's not that I don't care ~ it's that he doesn't want to hear what I honestly have to say. If we can't be adult about the situation and discuss things honestly ~ why discuss.

DF knows this is OUR home ~ my children's domain. It is not HER safe haven ~ she is a guest n guests are invited. That invitation will never be given ~ until she recognizes her behavior was atrocious. My kids n I are not her punching bag. We will be treated with respect in OUR home.

I completely agree with others posts in regards to acting like adults. We could be civil but I doubt she has it in her. Her father is a possession to her n it's only because we want to be a part of his life.

The whole secret shit bothers me but I can't have things both ways. If I don't want to know ~ I must act accordingly. If he wants to have lunch with her ~ so be it. He cant expect me to want to talk about her. I respect he wants to have a relationship with her but ... Realise what she put my family through ~ I can't turn a blind eye on that.

Honey, when you disengaged

Honey, when you disengaged you don't have a discussion with your hubby about the problem. You just murmer a few uh huh's, that's nice and don't pay attention. Let him do the talking. Disengaging you are not interested in what she does, says, etc. If she is a burr under the saddle you don't need the aggrevation. As our counselor told both me, and DH, our Twit was NOT my problem, and basically not his problem as she is married.

If your DH want's to have lunch with her, let him. Plan on doing something else, go to lunch with friends, etc.

Counseling WILL help you. My hubby, whom I threw out of the house last summer due to Twit and his contual defense of her, telling me to apologize to her when she insulted me etc. We went together and he finally went separately. Now days he doesn't tell me I am out of line when I say I don't want to be around the Twit, etc. He supports me. But then he also knows that if things go back to as bad as they were, I will throw him out for good. Life is too darn short.

Yes agreed ignorance is bliss

But I sometimes think about the future and where we will be ~ happy or will resentment on his part begin. But my reminder will be ~ I have never stopped you from spending time with her ~ her excuses have nothing to do with me. A relationship takes two people not three.

I could never ever ignore my kids if they ignorant. I would simply say to them ~ I raised you better than this. I think sometimes that they ( our men ) are afraid to confront cause they know they could have done a lot more in curtailing their awful behaviors. Close their eyes n wish it would just go away. Avoiding confrontation ~

I have been disengaged for

I have been disengaged for over 2 years now...My dh and I have come to realize that if anything were to happen to him...if he passed away before me...this is how my life would be with his children...he has 3 and they are all over 40 yrs old...

So, I have decided to enjoy the time with my dh as much as I can...make as many fun memories as possible...and plan on moving forward if I outlive him...i will probably relocate to another state and start a new life with my 3 adult children...They have made it clear that their family is none of my business...so all I did was absolutely agree with them...

The thing is THEY ARE GROWN ADULTS...and the parenting season is over....I can't believe how many parents do not get this....I will take the love I have inside of me and our it into my other grandchildren...and other relationships in my life...I was so focused on the step kids...they eventually overtook all the attention away from my bio kids, my sisters, my family ....lots of other people who truly love me for who I am...Why would I chase after someone who can't appreciate me for who God created me to be?...

I am finally free from their toxic culture...their sharp talens...hurting me every chance they get..Now i don't give them any real estate in my head...I have forgiven them, and have moved on...and it feels wonderful...i don't care what they think anymore...They no longer have me for an audience to witness their delusional way of thinking and toxic way of life.....

I finally feel safe...and I will never go back to the way it was. Ever...

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At a crossroad - betrayals and disengagement.