Grandma, discipline and problems that result from both.
Background, My live in GF and I have lived together going on 2 years now. My GF mother has been a HUGE part of her children's lives due to both fathers being absent/non-involved. Her mother has helped with kids before and after school. I have stepped in to play a bigger role in getting the kids to school, picking them up from school and have brought a new sort of life than they are used to as far as discipline. Example: Yesterday our boy threw a World War III level fit at grandma’s when we were picking him up. Being very disrespectful to all adults present even going to his grandma to say that I slapped him (very common for him to make things up to try to create a divider between grandma and me). He would not put his shoes on to go and ran off to hide. I found him, picked him up, carried him to the car, placed in seatbelt and we left. On the way home he started kicking the doors and hitting the car window. I decided when we got home that he would be grounded and I stated till next weekend (1 week).
This is where the troubles begin. The GF says that is too long, that the kids had plans this weekend with grandma and that it would only cause her problems with her mom. I of course being the bullheaded person I am said it didn’t matter and that grandma does not run this house. It has since caused a fight between them and my GF s upset and unsure what to do (as am I).
Am I overstepping? Is it my place to do the disciplining if mother is unwilling due to grandma intervention? Grandma already is unpleasant to me and not friendly due to the not being married and living together. I have told my GF that she needs to stand up for herself and tell her mom that she does not live here and does not rule this house. She is unwilling because of all the help grandma has given to this point (and I completely understand that reasoning).
I feel that this could potentially cause relationship problems and want to head this off. We have tried the, I discipline my child she disciplines hers but is not feasible considering the amount of time I have them alone. The other part is she feels my discipline is too much. I don’t feel like they learn their lesson with her fashion (as she typically doesn’t stick to her discipline measures).
Advise – please
Thanks
Completely understand that
Completely understand that way of thinking. However anyone could marry someone and still disappear tomorrow. Happens all the time. The biggest part of my problem is kind of from the point of view you have. I completely understand her having that feeling as her mom HAS helped her A LOT. However, we still need to make sure that our family is being disciplined appropriately to teach the lessons needed. Both children are completely out of control due to them being highly intelligent in the game of playing sides lol. I have thought about maybe having a meeting with the three of us to talk about it. This summer they were kept from grandmas due to behavior (except for the vacation grandma took them on to see other family in CA) and after a week of not being at grandmas those behaviors diminished significantly.
The best advice I can give
The best advice I can give you is to let this one go and you and your GF have a really LOOOOOONG "coming to Jesus" conversation about your respective roles are in this, what you think is acceptable/unacceptable behavior from your step, etc. This way you will both be on the same page for the next time your kids acts up. If you can't get on the same page, then you will have no choice but to disengage. You concentrate on raising your kid and leave your GF to raising hers. I know it's not ideal, but if you lay your cards on the table NOW with your GF, I am sure you will both see each other's POV.
I think it's fine for both of
I think it's fine for both of you to be "parents" as long as your GF is OK with that. She's the mom - your authority comes from HER, not your position as step dad. So, if she's OK with you parenting her kids then do that. About the only thing I would suggest is that any long-term or serious punishments (like week-long grounding) need to be discussed between you two BEFORE you tell the kids that is their punishment. (Immediate stuff - go to your room, time out, whatever - you don't need to discuss.) If she's going to have to help implement the punishment (by telling her mom the weekend plans are off) then she should damn well get a say in them. (This is a pet peeve for me. My DH makes me NUTS when he hands down a punishment that *I* then have to implement! "Oh, you told BS5 he has to go to bed an hour early but you have to work late? So I have to do his bed time routine an hour early even if I have other stuff I need to get done? Well thank you SO MUCH for punishing both of us." *sigh*)
Now, if she is NOT OK with you parenting her kids then you do NOT have to do any of the parenting work either. You don't get a say in discipline? Then you don't babysit. That's on her. Sounds like she's OK with it for the most part though, it's just this time that's an issue.
Like I said, the only thing you really need to do in that case is discuss the punishment BEFORE you hand it out if it's something that will affect your GF. You can tell the kids, "Your mom and I will be discussing your behavior when she gets home and we will let you know what we decide the consequences will be." Puts them on notice that there ARE consequences, shows that you and your GF are a team, AND doesn't put your GF in an awkward position.
It sounds like at least you
It sounds like at least you and GF (and if possible also grandma, but not essential if she isn't cooperative) need to work out a series of appropriate punishments/consequences that you can both agree on. Depending on the age and maturity of the child grounding for a week may well be too long and a time out be more appropriate.
I also agree with the above
I also agree with the above comment that punishments beyond immediate time outs etc need to be discussed and agreed with your GF first.
Thanks for the input. I have
Thanks for the input. I have suggested that she discipline her children and I discipline mine but she feels that creates a division in our relationship. I will maybe suggest doing the time out, and having a talk about punishment beyond that. We have done the timeout thing with her son and it creates a bigger tantrum as he feels timeouts are for babies not grown kids like him (he is adorable). He has the highest I.Q. in his class which is why I don't feel 1 week is too much. When we have asked him in the past based off his behavior what did he feel was a fare punishment, he will say 1 week.
Academic intelligence doesn't
Academic intelligence doesn't necessarily equal emotional intelligence and a child throwing a toddler tantrum of the scale you described deserves to be treated like a toddler and put in time out. Let him know that when he behaves like a boy of his age and intelligence he will be treated like one. Discuss the reasons for his punishments, and alternative ways he could have acted to prevent it. Give him the tools to make better decisions on the way he acts.
This summer we had SD7 staying with us and I instigated a crack down on crying because she didn't get her way as I told her that she is no longer a baby and that she needs to find a better way to deal with her problems. I informed her that if she cried for no good reason (ie not injured or genuinely sad) she would go straight to her room for a time out. That punishment was enforced and she was allowed out when she had calmed down and we would discuss why she had been put in time out and what other more appropriate responses to her problems might have been other than crying and how those would have turned out better for her because she wouldn't have been punished. It took a good few times of carrying out this punishment routine but eventually it sunk in and she was much better and thinking her way out of a problem rather than crying to get what she wanted all the time.
@Ally: LOL I have done the
@Ally: LOL I have done the punishing that she has to implement and that never really set in until reading your comment. Thanks for giving me persective I was reluctant to see. I am gone for 24 hours at a time every third day so definitely effects her more when I do that.