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What is disengagement?

jstorie's picture

What is disengagement? How does it work? Im young and my sd14 is half my age. shes in a theraputic home but will be comming home in couple months. I need to start working on it now. or when she comes home it will be a war zone and I have to keep my boys in a safe enviorment without seeing all her bullshit. I am a control freak so somebody please help me understand.

Comments

GoodBye's picture

It can be whatever you feel keeps you sane...basically removing yourself from the responsibility of your stepkid. Whether you just do it emotionally as in treating her like you would treat an acquaintance (saying hi, bye...having nothing to do with discipline/upbringing) or you can go all out and physically disengage (not being present when skid is there)

Lady Danger's picture

Stay out of everything related to your SKids. It's easier said than done, trust me... when I first became a SM I was determined to be the best one I could be. I wanted to prove to my inlaws and spouse and world (even other Step Mothers... sorry steptalk community) that I could and would do it better than anyone.

WELL give it some time, and before you know it, it's eroding my relationships with all the aforementioned, along with my sanity, my desire to stay in the relationship, and any hope for connection with my step kid.

The lesson I learned (we've been together 4 years) is that being a step mother is not as important as being happy and healthy. I have checked out of the step mother role. It's 100% up to DH, BM, and my inlaws to ensure SS7 is being cared for. I will not make meals for him, clean up after him, or give parenting advice.

Being a control freak like you, I can assure you it takes work NOT to pick up lego from the living room because it makes you crazy. Or to help with breakfast because he leaves a huge mess. But overall it will come clear with time, that it's better to take a backseat and watch it unravel than take it on yourself, because you will unravel.

Be strong! Don't allow your spouse or BM or inlaws to treat you like a doormat or expect you to raise your skid or guilt you into more than you're willing to offer. It has 2 parents already. Ensure there's a roof over her head and she's not drinking bleach from under the sink, that's as far as your role goes. Good luck, and come back to vent Smile

jstorie's picture

Well this paticular young lady does not have a mother,but i still need to disengage. how do you do chores?

Lady Danger's picture

How does my SS do chores? He either does if his dad makes him or he doesn't. It's not up to me.

If my SS is being sloppy/lazy/generally a pest, I take it up with his father. It's his kid and his problem. If there's a bunch of his toys in the living room, I pick them all up and throw them in his room.

The idea behind disengagement is to release yourself from the worry and accountability towards your stepchild. It's not your problem anymore.

jstorie's picture

Thank you guys. i feel like ive let her down. but gotta do something different. now. not later when its too late. ive already slapped her once...can't do it again.