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SKids seem to be ruling the roost

dazedandwhat's picture

First time posting and I am in desperate need of advice. My fiancé and I have 3 kids between the 2 of us. I have a daughter that is 19 and in college living in another state and he has primary custody of his 2 boys (9 and 13). We have been living together for a few months and over the course of time some things have come to light. First off, he is an amazing father and the kids mother seems to be highly unstable and so he over compensates when they are with us. Both kids seem to have their own issues. Several items that I am going to state:
1. I have found that both kids (whether intentional or not) leave poo on the toilet seat. One (the youngest) has even wiped it on the wall and shower curtain. When I have mentioned it to the fiancé, he promptly goes to clean it up. I have explained to him that he needs to get the boys to do it instead because they are both way old enough to know better.
2. Both kids smack and chew their food with their mouths open and the youngest even eats with his hands. I have mentioned this to his father a few times about how it grosses me out and I have even mentioned it to the kids. They don't seem fazed by it. My fiancé will say something if he sees that I have noticed it.
3. The oldest has attention issues. He states he has issues with his mother but refuses to talk about it to anyone. He has run away once since I have been here and when questioned about it, he blamed his mom. Just recently, he was caught messaging a friend and telling them that he was drinking bleach. As disturbing as that is, he was playing a game on his laptop while messaging this person. I took serious offense to this as two months ago I lost my nephew to suicide. It was a huge slap in my face not to mention that he constantly posts things about dying on facebook. His dad sees that there is a problem and tends to take his side. I know he is depressed, but this is clearly a cry for attention. The two instances mentioned here occurred on days that my fiancé told the boys that while they were doing chores and homework, he and I were going to watch a movie (at home mind you).
I feel like I am not in a position to correct or discipline these kids. I have talked with him about it and get no response and I believe the reason is because he thinks I will be too harsh. My daughter never did any of this, so this is totally new to me. I would never accept this type of behavior from her and it is grating on my nerves that these kids do this. Granted, both kids are very sensitive. They cry when they are in trouble, and in the case of the 13 year old, he cries when he gets caught and has to answer to why he did something.
A part of me feels like I have disrupted their lives by moving here even though I make many concessions to ensure that they have all the time they need with just their dad. Their dad tells me their lives aren't disrupted. Really??? This behavior is not normal in my book.
The 9 year old asks on a regular basis to sleep with his dad in our bed. I will tell you that whenever that happens, I sleep in another room because I am not comfortable with that. His dad knows this. It has happened now 3 times. So, tonight the youngest comes to me and says that his dad wanted me to ask if he could sleep with us. Of course, I said yes in front of his dad, but as soon as he left the room I told my fiancé that I would be sleeping elsewhere. My fiancé tries to give me a guilt trip and say that I don't want to sleep with him (him, being fiancé); however, I have never folded and continue to stick to my guns on this one.
We had a discussion the other night about the bleach thing and I told him that his son needs help. I have also told him that I refuse to accept that the oldest is acting out because of his mom. He is 13 and both of them use her as an excuse. As crazy as she may be there is also something called consequences and responsibility and accountability. All three of those he has issues holding to his kids when it comes to stuff like this. It is almost like he lets them act like this and coddles them so that they will like him more.
I know how I would handle this if they were my kids, but again, where's the line of what is okay and what isn't? Or is this something that will come with time? :?

Indigo's picture

Jumping in with little comparative experience. Lots on your plate there. Primary custody means 24/7 right ?

Poo on the toilet ? At this age ? On the wall, wherever. My Bio-beloved-dear-son did this "shit" periodically. Maybe it's a developmental thing or a personality thing ... at the time he was 3-4 not double that age. (I shit you not.) I was mortified with the wiping of sh*t on the wall above the toilet paper holder. Nonsense stuff. He was young, going through a divorce, I was distracted, but it stopped. I knew that it was abnormal and made it stop.

Eating w/noise and no manners ? Don't sweat it at this point. It's annoying and vulgar. Least of your troubles, now.

Your 13 yr old ... I would care for quietly. There is a lot of pain there. You sound terribly young with this issue. (I know, I get the suicide of beloved person thing.) However, your feeling "offended" and didn't he know better than to say something which may hurt my feelings approach ... B*llshit. Do a rethink. It's not all about you. There is a child in serious pain and you are offended !! Runaway, suicide talk. Pay attention.

"A part of me feels like I have disrupted their lives by moving here even though I make many concessions to ensure that they have all the time they need with just their dad. Their dad tells me their lives aren't disrupted. Really??? This behavior is not normal in my book." --- OP

In my mind, this is where you redeem yourself. You are correct. This is not a good situation. You are not in a position to correct or discipline and you have disrupted their lives ... HOWEVER, your BF seems to be seriously "sucking wind." Meaning that he is not stepping up and taking care of his kids. Again, it's not all about you. (but this time in a good way.)

dazedandwhat's picture

Primary custody meaning he has them during the week and the mother has them on the weekends. As for me being offended, I know it isn't about me. I have paid attention. I have made every avenue available for him to talk and even suggested getting him counseling or medical treatment. He clearly acts out for attention and then turns and blames his mom. I have explained to his dad (who travels on occasion) that if they are with me and he does this, he will go straight to the hospital and they can sort it out. According to his dad, he acted like this with his past relationship and just started the whole suicide talk when my Nephew passed and then started. I'm not by any means diminishing the situation with him. My mother was suicidal and depressed so I know the signs. When his dad confronted him, he chuckled and then started back pedaling and then told him he did drink bleach once while he was here-but we don't keep bleach in the house. Then he pleaded with his dad to not tell his mom-which he has not. (I totally do not agree with that) My concern is that I feel helpless. I feel like my hands are tied because I can't discuss it with him, and my fiancé wants me to treat him like nothing is wrong. I CAN'T! I am not a sugar coater and I don't brush things under the rug. It's like I have to handle him with kid gloves for fear of upsetting him or offending him. I am a firm believer in tough love as needed. I agree his dad is not handling it and my advice to him has pretty much fallen on deaf ears.

Disneyfan's picture

You say he's an amazing father, then go on to describe a person who is an awful father. All of the problems you mentioned are a result of poor parenting.

hereiam's picture

Your fiance has his head in the sand and it's doubtful it will get better.

There is no way in hell I would live with these people, and I certainly would not marry into this.

Calypso1977's picture

my SD13 stb 14 eats everything with her hands. its gross and her parents dont care so i stopped caring and eating with her.

Teas83's picture

It would gross me out to know that a child sleeps in my bed with my husband. That should not be happening.

Have you come up with consequences for leaving poo on the toilet seat and walls? Would your husband support that? They are seriously old enough to know better and are capable of cleaning up after themselves.

kathc's picture

Why would you marry into this? It's not going to get any better. Things don't magically improve after you become their SM. In fact, they usually get worse.