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Am I Being Greedy - Estate Planning Issue?

ConfusedinDenver's picture

My husband and I have been married 22 years, and he has a grown son and 4 grandchildren (3 natural and 1 stepgrandchild). He and his son are estranged - son is a functional alcoholic and his emotional state seems to have been totally arrested at about 16-17 years of age. They live out of state from us and husband refuses to go back to stay in son's house moving forward after a disastrous visit this past spring.

Husband decides he needs to "protect" me from his son and sets out to get a Living Will/Trust established. He never includes me in the lawyer's visits until the review of the final draft, where I am told it is a Qtip trust, which basically leaves most assets to me until my death (then they revert back to his Trust), a $10K stipend (slap in the face) to his son as an outright gift, and then his substantial (1 million+) that is in his retirement plan from his former employer (large oil company)to the 4 grandchildren...stipulations are that money is to be used for education and upon age of 30 money is theirs).

What he DOESN'T consider is ME...I once had a promising lucrative career which was given up to become a trailing spouse to HIS job, and that 6 years of that retirement savings plan he wants to give to his grandchildren was made during OUR marriage. His thought is that the retirement savings plan is a "clean" way to give his grandchildren money, and that the remainder of the estate should be plenty for me. It's not that I don't agree if he lives to old age (he is 60 and I am 54), but I do have a concern if he should die suddenly or in the near future. He also didn't realize that I would have to sign a spousal beneficiary waiver on the retirement savings plan, and I refused to sign it until I received legal advice. Shame on him for getting shoddy legal advice...

I had a consultation with an attorney who not only does estate planning, but is also into family law, and her advice was that it was not in my best interest to sign, but in the interest of being fair, it would be wise to have accounting done to ascertain what amount would be representative of 6 years that would legally be mine.

I don't want to appear greedy, but I also know I need to look out for myself. If I don't sign, he will HAVE to trust me to do the right thing if he should pass before me. We are at war and I want it to stop, but I don't want to just cave in without getting him to understand my perspective. Also, I am concerned that he formed his own trust versus us going in together to set up a joint trust.

Any thoughts or advice? It could potentially be fatal to my marriage.

Indigo's picture

NO. You are NOT selfish or greedy. Do not sign anything. Get great legal advice. ($ 400/hour over a few weeks may make a huge difference.) This is your life.

NO. Again, this is guilt allocation. I bet that DH is not thinking too clearly about this and is looking in the rear-view mirror with some regret.

Estranged son & g-kids is sad; however, I would be aware/nervous/uncomfortable with the knowledge that estranged/alcoholic family would be waiting for me to keel over. (I know, I know ... Lifetime channel has much to answer for.)

Actually, I don't know the formula, but some of the family estate proceeds should be yours to dictate where they are given ... nieces, nephews, food kitchens, animal shelters, people who befriended you throughout your life --- whatever !

Bet that you may fair better divorced (and living in sin) than accepting your DH's first attempt at settling his estate. Kudo's to him for thinking about it, though.

Besides, if you decide to fund the non-profit that I run, I'd like you to feel free to do so upon your death. (Sorry, had to laughingly insert that one.)

(Yes, I do run a non-profit and yes, I was once married to a petroleum engineer, but then ...)

YOU are part of this marriage and part of the estate. Your desires, no matter how "odd" they may sound to DH, matter.

BethAnne's picture

I absolutely agree with everyone here that you deserve to be treated as an equal partner in these decisions and in the benefits from his retirement money, whilst he is should also be able to leave something (more minor) for his family members should he want to.

The thing that struck me hard about your post is your real fear that this argument could end in divorce. If you are serious about that fear you need to approach your husband with very considered thoughts and words to try to win him around to your point of view if you do want to stay with him. Try to be open and honest and make him part of the process and present a few options so that he doesn't feel like he is being backed into a corner (which perversely is what he is trying to do to you).

Rags's picture

As an equity partner in a 22 year marriage it is all yours upon DH's demise IMHO. I would not sign this turd of a deal were I you.

If your DH predeceases you then it is your estate to do with as you please upon your own demise. Again IMHO of course.

My bride and I did our Wills together. We are each the sole beneficiary of the other in our individual Wills and on insurance policies. With the exception of a few family heirlooms that go to specific individuals.

In the event of our co-demise it all goes in to trust for SS-22 until he either turns 40yo or completes a Bachelor's degree from a regionally accredited college or university. Kind of our way of parenting from beyond the grave without creating a dead hand situation for our estate.

I do not see any change to either of our Wills if one of us predeceases the other unless a subsequent long term marriage occurs. Even if that happens I do not see a major change in all of it going to my Skid. I have been his dad and raised him as my own since before he was 2yo. At 50 it is highly unlikely that I would have any other children and it is highly unlikely that my bride would have more if I was to pass and she was to remarry. Medically it is extremely risky for her to have more kids.

My parents went through the estate distribution to their children Vs. their GKs debate a number of years ago. My younger brother was the one that brought forward the primary influencing advice. Originally mom and dad were going to split their estate between my brother and me. Then mom had this idea to set up a trust with all of their decedents having equal shares. My brother told mom and dad if they were going to do that to keep him and his children completely out of it because he did not think it was fair for him and his decedents to get 80% of their estate while I would only get 20% just because I had not had any bio kids.

Dad saw the sense in that and he and mom left their Wills intact leaving their entire estate split 50/50 between my brother and I with a few personal items going to different individuals (DILs, GKs, GSkid, etc..)

Even for people with a notable estate (Low 7 figures) getting overly complex in distribution of an estate makes little sense to me. Unless your family name is Gates, Buffet, Rockefeller, Kennedy, etc….. Getting overly creative when distributing the estate just causes all kinds of nightmares. Generally it should all go to the surviving long term spouse and then to the kids. In blended family situations this can get all out of whack in which case my opinion is that is still goes to the surviving current spouse then equally to bio kids regardless of how many baby mammas or baby daddies are in the picture.

IMHO of course.