SD22 has sent me a few messages on FB and through texting over the past month or 2 telling me how sad she is that she never sees FDH, and he never sees BJ (Baby Jesus). She said it hurts her that he has a daughter that he "just forgets about" and a grandson he never sees and now she's having another baby and he won't see her, either. She's also upset because he hasn't seen her apt yet.

I told her that it is hard for him to have much of a life being on 3rd shift and that we don't see much of him, either. He's gone all night and asleep most of the day. I'm pretty sure she keeps sending me these msgs because she is expecting me to talk to FDH and make him call her and spend time with her. Why else would she be telling me about it instead of calling him and asking what would be a good time to come over or inviting him to dinner or something?

She keeps expecting her dad to be something he has never been. She wants him to be the doting father. He never has been, so why would he be now? She wants him to be the overprotective father, the "That's my little princess" father, the "if you hurt my daughter, I will kill you" father, but he's not. He is nice to any bf's she's had, he gets along well with her dh, but he minds his own business. He doesn't call every day and ask how everyone is. He doesn't just drop by to visit. He's just not like that. She's always seemed to think she can turn him into what she wants. I think part of the reason she was in such a hurry to pop out a kid and then get married is because she is eager to create the life she wanted for herself as a child. It just now occurred to me that maybe part of the reason she is so over the top with all things pregnancy, baby, and motherhood related is because she's trying to nurture something in herself that she feels didn't get nurtured as a child. She wanted to be doted on and her parents didn't do it, so she dotes on her kid. She wanted to be bragged about and she wasn't, so she can't shut up about every single breath her kid takes. She's trying to parent the child in her that never grew up.

The thing that really gets me is that she isn't making any effort on her end, either. She doesn't call FDH and ask to come over or invite him to her place. She doesn't call just to see how her dad and brothers are. She doesn't stop by. She has always put the responsibility for every relationship she's ever had on the other person. It's all dad's responsibility to make sure she feels loved and that they are close. It was all my responsibility to make things better between her and I when she was younger. She wants to point fingers and tell the other person all the things that are wrong with the relationship, but she doesn't want to do anything to make it better, she wants them to do all the work. When she would tell me she wanted things to be better between us, yet her behavior didn't change at all, what I heard was "I want you to put up with all of my disrespect, disgusting behavior, and bad attitude, and don't say a word about it. You smile and love me and think I'm wonderful and I will continue shitting on you and all will be well. Now here is some shit, shut up and smile."

I'm not talking to FDH about her msgs. They are both adults. Their relationship is on them, not me. It's not my job to nurture it or help it along. If she's concerned enough, she will talk to her dad herself. She's got a lifelong wait ahead of her if she's sitting around waiting for me to get the hint and act accordingly.