Someone else being called Daddy...
Hello, I am actually not the bio dad but his wife. He doesn't totally understand this forum so I am posting this from the both of us. The BM of his sons has a live in boyfriend that plays an influential role in the SS's lives. He has been around since the youngest was 7 months old, almost 2 years ago. He is a very good person and is good to the boys but the mother insists and has trained the boys to call him daddy. Even to the point where the oldest will call BD by his first name in his presence to differentiate between the two "dads." BM is doing this to hurt the FH and create a sense of "family" for herself to make her feel better about the fact that she isn't with the any of the fathers of any of her children. Its frustrating for us to not take it out on the SS's (2 and 4) but they are too young to understand what their mother is trying to do to them. The boyfriend will intentionally call FH by his first name in front of the kids and not dad just to rub it in his face. I guess what my question is is, has anyone else had to deal with this and how did you go about fixing it?
we try to talk to the boys regularly about how they only have one daddy but that BM's boyfriend is "like a dad" but not daddy and we always refer to him by his first name. The boys do not call me mom because I don't feel that it's fair to them to force that on them. They are too young to understand it on their own. I also would not do that to their BM, as much as I can't stand her, because it would break my heart if my own biological children did it to someone else.
we always correct the kids
we always correct the kids (nicely) if they call him daddy. We will randomly ask or tell them that they only have one mommy and one daddy but that they also have one SM and one SD (we use first names) and that they are kind of like mommy and daddy but that they only have one real mommy and daddy. We want to consistently correct them without scolding them or punishing them for it. Its just so hard for me because I see how it hurts FH but he won't admit it. SD will say in front of the boys "no jim has it" or "no you are going to jim's house." but if MIL is around he will refer to "jim" as daddy. Sometimes he'll say "daddy jim" but the oldest son has told us that when he talks about FH at mom's house he has to call him dad or his first name and that he calls mom's boyfriend daddy.
all of this is done to create a fake sense of normalcy and paint the image of the perfect family. they live in a small town near us but nobody in the town really knows us that well so they live the life of some normal family even though she has a modge podge family and shares custody of all three of her kids with their dads. She also works at their daycare so everyone at the daycare has been manipulated and trained by her to do as she says. Majority of the time her closest friends at the daycare will call FH "jim" and call BM's bf "daddy." It's sick and sad to see what they are doing to the kids and they unfortunately the kids are too young to realize. I just hope that when they get older they will realize and it won't be too late to fix it because they'll be stuck in their ways.
I have been "Dad(dy)" to my
I have been "Dad(dy)" to my SS-22 since before he was 2yo. He has called me dad(dy) by his own decision since he was a toddler. I understand the challenge and hurt that this must cause your FDH as he and you seem to be caring and involved parents to your Skids.
We dealt with this same issue when Sperm Grandhag took exception to my SS calling me dad. "He is not your dad. You only have one dad, he is not your REAL dad he is your STEP dad." etc.... This of course caused hurt and confusion in the kid.
I dealt with it by explaining that a biological dad is the dad that made him with his mom, a step dad is the dad that is married to his mom and who loves he and his mom very much. I then explained that a REAL daddy is the dad that goes to work every day to provide a nice home to live in, safe cars to drive, safe neighborhoods to life in, good schools, good food to eat, warm and clean clothes to wear, coaches his ball teams, teaches him to read, write, use the toilet, to brush his teeth, tie his shoes, teaches him to ride his bike, reads him stories and loves him very much. I also explained that a kid can have more than one REAL dads and more than one REAL moms because sometimes moms and dads do not stay together and they get married to someone different. If the moms and dads act like REAL moms and dads then they are REAL moms and dads even if they are biological parents or step parents.
I clearly understood that my son calling me Dad(dy) bothered his BioDad and his spermdonial grandmother. If I was a caring and participating dad it would bother me if my kid called some other man "Dad(dy)". Since my SS's Sperm Idiot is a worthless POS his and the Sperm Clan's issues with my Skid choosing to call me Daddy was not our problem.
My explanation to the kid cleared up most of his confusion and pain and we were able to keep this issue well managed for the duration of our 17+ year Custody/Visitation/Support CO. It did surface upon occasion over the years when Sperm Grandhag got her bloomers in a bunch over it but the status quo was that SS called me dad when he was at home with his mom and I and he called the Dipshitiot dad when he was on Sperm Land visitation. When he was with his mom and I and talking about his Sperm Idiot he referred to his biodad as "Dad(dy) First name" and when he was in Sperm Land speaking of me he referred to me as "Dad(dy) first name". Now that he is a self supporting viable adult and is talking about his family with his fellow Airmen he refers to me as "My Dad" or "Dad" and he refers to his BioDad as "Gangster Dad". When he is telling a family story and just says “dad” and the story does not line up with what he has shared previously with his coworkers they will quickly jump in with “That has to be gangster dad because your (REAL) dad would never be that stupid.” My kid chuckles when he tells his mom and I those stories.
When we were visiting with the Skid last month during our 20th anniversary/vow renewal celebration with friends and family he was telling the lasts drama from his recent visit with the Sperm Idiot and the toothless moron Sperm Clan. I gave him a hug and told him I was sorry he had that crap to deal with. He smiled, laughed, looked me firmly in the eye and said “Dad, he is not the great example of a man, a dad, and a husband that you are but I have you.” That was an amazing Step Dad/Skid moment.
I would suggest that you and your FDH consider that if BM and this caring participatory BF marry then the boys calling dad is not a bad thing. However, as he is just a live in fuck buddy at this point I would let the boys know that he is not their dad and if BM and he get married then he will be their dad. Explain Bio and Step dads/moms to them. Explain what a REAL dad/mom is. They need to understand that it is Okay for them to have more than one REAL mom and dad if these adults in their lives are participatory and caring.
The kids will figure it all out for themselves as they get older and will settle on a way that this all works for them. The key is for your FDH and for you to remain constant, caring, and involved positive influences in their lives. If BM's BF leaves and another shows up it will be imperative that you and FDH are the dependable mom and dad in their lives regardless of what the kids end up settling on BM and her SO(s).
Kids are smart. They figure out who their REAL mom and their REAL dad is regardless of the biology involved.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Nope, I agree with the poster
Nope, I agree with the poster and I find it simply wrong to enforce it.When I was still with my ex, his exwife used to enforce their daughter to call her new guy "Dad" and that kid rubbed it really in to hurt ex's feelings.She called that step dad "Dadddddddddddiieeeee" in front of her real dad and then pretended she was confused.So manipulative, I am still thanking god that I left both of them, but I always felt for my ex when BM and his daughter did that to him.
I guess our thoughts on it
I guess our thoughts on it are if the boys started to call the boyfriend dad on their own then that would be something that we would respect because they chose to do it and if they did do that then I'm sure biodad (husband) had given them a reason to do that. What bothers us is that they didn't get a choice on it because they were so young (2 and 6 months) so it was something that was continually reinforced and pushed on them. It's not like they have substantially more time with bio mom and her bf though, custody is almost 50/50 and is something that we are currently working on fighting for. We are a stable and continual part of their lives and biodad always has been. Even though I've been a stable part of their lives for a year and a half I still don't feel it's my place to tell them they need to call me mom because I think that's a decision they need to make on their own. I do realize though that the older they get the less likely they are to pick that up and call me that... but i'm okay with that because even though their BM is insane I still wouldn't disrespect her that way because I'd never want someone to do that to me.
From all of your responses we've kind of decided their is nothing that we can do except continue to reiterate that dad is dad and mom is mom and SM and SD are like moms and dads but different. I just hope as they grow older this is something they will grow out of as they learn to make these decisions on their own. We have always and will always support them financially and emotionally, and provide for them in any way they may need.
Different from our situation, I completely understand a SD or SM being called mom or dad if they play the true roll of mom or dad because the other bioparent is too busy being and idiot to be a parent. I'm not against that but in our situation that isn't the case and that's what makes the whole situation so hurtful.
BINGO!!! The title of "Mom"
BINGO!!! The title of "Mom" or "Dad" is a title that is earned by action and has nothing to do with genetics. Fortunately most kids are blessed with Moms and Dads who love them, provide for them, raise them, mentor them, advocate for them, set a strong example for them, are their confidante, and their disciplinarian and blessedly are also their bio parents.
However, it is the actions of being a mom or dad that make a person Mom or Dad. Those bio parents who don't take those actions know who they are just as the SParents who do take those actions know who they are.
The kids certainly know and figure it out by living with the actions or lack of action from the adults in their lives.
I guess our thoughts on it
I guess our thoughts on it are if the boys started to call the boyfriend dad on their own then that would be something that we would respect because they chose to do it and if they did do that then I'm sure biodad (husband) had given them a reason to do that. What bothers us is that they didn't get a choice on it because they were so young (2 and 6 months) so it was something that was continually reinforced and pushed on them. It's not like they have substantially more time with bio mom and her bf though, custody is almost 50/50 and is something that we are currently working on fighting for. We are a stable and continual part of their lives and biodad always has been. Even though I've been a stable part of their lives for a year and a half I still don't feel it's my place to tell them they need to call me mom because I think that's a decision they need to make on their own. I do realize though that the older they get the less likely they are to pick that up and call me that... but i'm okay with that because even though their BM is insane I still wouldn't disrespect her that way because I'd never want someone to do that to me.
From all of your responses we've kind of decided their is nothing that we can do except continue to reiterate that dad is dad and mom is mom and SM and SD are like moms and dads but different. I just hope as they grow older this is something they will grow out of as they learn to make these decisions on their own. We have always and will always support them financially and emotionally, and provide for them in any way they may need.
Different from our situation, I completely understand a SD or SM being called mom or dad if they play the true roll of mom or dad because the other bioparent is too busy being and idiot to be a parent. I'm not against that but in our situation that isn't the case and that's what makes the whole situation so hurtful.
Honestly I would just let it
Honestly I would just let it be. Your husband should know he is the DAD. The kids are too young, have already been "trained" to call SF, Dad.
Maybe the skids like having the family and being able to say "My parents" or "mom and dad" when referring to BM and SF. It sounds like the SF is very much a dad, just not by biology.
The less of a deal that you make, the less effect it will have on SF, if his true intention is to irritate you.
You say SF is a very good person and good to the skids, so there is some positive in that. It's not like they are calling some deadbeat, "dad".
My BS9 calls my DH "Pops" sometimes. He feels that he is like a dad, but obviously the title Dad is reserved for his biodad. (BS was 5 when DH and I started dating) BS still wants to call DH something special. So we came up with "Pops".
I am old school enough that I
I am old school enough that I do not tolerate children calling me by my first name. To unrelated kids I am Mr. (Lastname). This is not their choice, or the choice of their parents. This is my choice and I do not give a crap what the kid or their parents think about it.
Even with a Skid I would not tolerate them calling either me or my bride by our first names. My Skid chose to call me Daddy before he was 2. His choice. Neither his mom nor I force it on him. He also called his biodad Daddy when he was on visitation. Over the years things evolved but ultimately SS-22 calls me dad and his biodad is (Firstname). The Skids choice.
During one of our instances where someone in the Sperm Clan took exception to SS calling me Dad he came home with "Grandma says I can't call you dad and that I have to call you (Firstname)." I told him that not callign me dad was fine but if Dad was no longer good enough that he could call me Mr.(Last name). He replied that he did not like that idea and that he would stick with Dad since I have always been his dad.
This is the same conclusion SS came to every other time the Sperm Clan took exception to me being his Dad. The first time when he was in his mid single digits and the last time when he was in his early double digits.
I hold this same philosophy with my Nieces and Nephews. I only allow my brother children and my wife's SIBs kids to call me Uncle. They call me Uncle (First name). I have very close friends who want their kids to call me Uncle Rags. I don't allow it. They are not my nieces or nephews. I don't let anyone call me their brother who is not my brother. I have incredibly close friends who are like brothers but I only have one surviving brother and being my brother and me being his is an honor I insist on reserving only for him. Same with my parents. During my first marriage I called my MIL/FIL "Mom" and "Dad". It never felt right to me. When my XW ran off with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy I have never called anyone but my mother and father Mom and Dad.
My bride of 20 years has asked about this a few times over the years but has been accepting of my explaination. I have never referred to her parents by anything but their first names.I asked them if they wanted to called Mr/Mrs or by their first names. They chose for me to refer to them by their first names.
My wife is extremely close to my parents and calls them by either their first names or by Mom and Dad. My parents are fine with that.
Not the way everyone does it or even should do it. Just how I do it.
I think I have you by a year
I think I have you by a year in the age department! 466.
My SO kids call me Ms.(First
My SO kids call me Ms.(First Name) and I hate it. It's so old school Southern sounding. I'm a fairly young woman and would prefer to be called by my first name but they're being respectful so I let it slide. I really don't like it though.
When my ex remarried, they
When my ex remarried, they (ex & SM) told our kids thst they should start calling SM 'Mom', so it would not be confusing to her kids (who were not significantly younger than ours, who were 9 & 12). I understand the response was "Why? We already have a perfectly good one!"
When they were young, I prefered Mrs. (lastname) or (my kid's name)'s Mom. Now? With most kids I still prefer the former. Exception is my neighbot's kids who have called me Miss (my name) since they started to talk.
Biomoms boyfriend should step
Biomoms boyfriend should step up and set it straight. My fiance tried one time to have her son call me "daddy" and I promptly corrected her. Im not his daddy, he already has one. Every once in a while he will get really attached and call me daddy. I will just let it go and ignore it. I certainly wont encourage it.
This is a bit of an old post
This is a bit of an old post so not sure how many will see my response but I do have something to say on behalf of my bf - BM2 has a bf who lives with her and SS12 and SD9, and whilst the kids are way too old to ever consider calling either me or their SD Mum or Dad (I wouldn't allow them to call me Mum anyway, I am NOT HER, SHE IS A PSYCHOPATH), BM2 has on occassion tried to erase BF from the picture and replace him with SD. Once, on a day we had the skids, my bf took them to school and then went to see a friend nearby, got a text from BM2 saying "Can you let the kids know I can't make their family fun day at school but SD is going to be there instead". I have to say props to my bf for not throat punching her for that one.
My bf went to the school and SD promptly buggered off (he's a very young SD, 10 years BM2's junior - I have no issue with that but when you're closer in age to the skids than you are to the BM and BF, well, know your place!)
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