Not an skid fight a dh fight, help!
Two or three times a year I take my dd out of school and take her on a short trip to see her dad. He is far away and it is what it is. We are civil, we skype, his parents usually join in on the trip too. It is always at a family friendly location and he and I do NOT share rooms ever. The time is coming to plan out the next trip (last year was Disney World in FL). DH has never said a word about these trips ever. Now he is complaining it is not right, dd should fly alone, it's too much alone time with my ex. I enjoy these trips! I need a break! I take dd on trip and I hang in my room or spa or shop or swim. DD doesn't remember her parents living together, her dad works so far away from us, this helps them connect with out her being home sick or needing me, she is young. It is also a time for her and I to have a time out from skids, and dh. My dh had a heart attack less than a year ago, he wants another baby, I am resisting right now, court is coming up with BM2 and he is grouchy. My ex is younger than DH I think he is feeling his age at this point and stressed out. He is mad at the world I guess. But he is expressing it in a way that is directed at me and my ex and these trips, he is frustrated and being jealous and I hate that. I left my ex for many reasons but one was jealousy on his part that drove me crazy and ruined our relationship. I feel I deserve a break, I want my dd to see her and dad and his parents and his parents and I get along great. What can I do? I want to take her, it is the way we have always done things, my dd is aware we are planning a trip, she is excited. She does not want to go with out me. I do not want her to go with out me. I realize these arrangements are not the norm, but they are not wrong! When he was dating a woman two years ago she came on the trip too. I do not want to be in a marriage with anyone else but DH. I love him and love our life and I do not cheat and have never. I want to support DH right now, he is facing several issues that are frustrating and upsetting to him. I also want to support my dd and her visits with her dad. I also want a break and a vacation away from everything and feel I deserve it. I offered to go to a counseling meeting with him to discuss this with a pro and DH refused saying bluntly I am not to go on trip and he is not going to counseling to hear about it because it is not going to happen. I was reading a magazine in bed and he came into bed and turned away from me, and cranked up the tv. I do not need this tension and neither does he. One of us will have to give in, I do not think it should be me. I share my life with him and his four kids and to a point with his bms. I feel he can give in to this one thing. We can revisit me staying home and sending dd alone in a year or two when that is less scary for me if need be. But I have stood by his side while money has went to lawyers and courts and child support because I married a dad. He should let this issue go because I have a child too. He married me I had a past and a child and previous responsibilities. Any ideas or opinions? :?
Please send your DD alone to
Please send your DD alone to be with her dad and his family and take a vacation, even a mini vacation with just you and your hubby alone. Sounds like he could use some one on one and your daughter will be fine with your ex and his parents.
My son started flying by himself at a young age. She will be fine.
Ultimately, he is your
Ultimately, he is your ex......you split, you moved on, and in a way, your husband may feel that this is a way for your to "step back" into your past. Everyone has a past, but thats where it should stay. I am surprised your husband has not said anything sooner, I know my OH would so NOT tolerate this, and to be honest neither would I.
I'm sorry, but if my DH said
I'm sorry, but if my DH said he was taking SS and they were going on vaca with BM and her family and I would flip out and this would be a marriage ending deal breaker for me.
If he wants to go along, then go as a couple. If not, then it is perfectly reasonable to draw a boundary and say this is too much like playing happy family. Here's an idea- since you would no longer be participating, use the money you would have spent to help pay for your ex to fly to where your daughter is and pick her up she she isn't flying alone.
That is another good
That is another good alternative!
This is so wrong and
This is so wrong and disrespectful to your husband. Once a year you go off and have a family reunion with your former family. :?
Your daughter can fly alone to visit her dad or travel with her grandparents.
2-3 times a year!
2-3 times a year!
Being realistic, how long do
Being realistic, how long do you see this continuing? 8? 10? 15?
If you want time away with just your daughter, why not plan a long w/e away with just her? Let your ex and his family take over planning the trip with her. If she's over 5, she can fly as an Unaccompanied Minor (for a fee) - it is about as safe as it can get. She is taken to the gate and met at the gate at the other end. If the flight requires switching, you can coordinate flights so one takes, the other retrieves.
I found tha sending my kids to their Dad as UMs (together and separately) helped them develop an independence and confidence they would not have if accompanied everywhere. Something to consider.
Actually, the person taking
Actually, the person taking the child to the gate is supposed to remain in the terminal until the plane is wheels up. However long that takes.
Dang girl..this is wrong on
Dang girl..this is wrong on so many levels. How many "family trips" have you been on since you married DH? Maybe he was ok with it and now realizes how dysfunctional this situation is for all of you. If he has been ok with you going for several years, then I would tell him that you already have this one planned but after that you will not go anymore.
You need some marriage counseling to find out why you think this is an ok way to treat your husband and marriage.
It may be time to stop these
It may be time to stop these trips. No matter how amicable you are with your ex, a new DH will always have problem with it. I think you could still do them, but DH must be included. If not, it is time for your BD to start to go with Grandma and grandpa with her biodad.
Send dd on her trip with her
Send dd on her trip with her dad- alone. If you really need a break yourself right now- take one somewhere else- alone.
If this was a new relationship with your dh, I would say he was absolutely, 100%, no question right. Since he has "allowed" it in the past, though, it could be said that he knew the routine when he married you. BUT I say he has tolerated it long enough. It is possible he didn't realize it would bother him. Or maybe it didn't bother him in the past, but it does now. Maybe it just made sense to him when dd was younger, but now that she is old enough to fly alone he feels like it makes no sense for you to tag along.
All I know is there is NO way I would tolerate dh going on a trip like this.
I think what would piss me
I think what would piss me off is DH making a stink about it now. Nothing pisses me off more than if I do something, someone else goes along with it for X amount of time, then all of a sudden, raises a stink about it. That always chaps my butt.
That being said, I'd have a problem with it if I was your DH, but I would've said something at the beginning, not waited until years down the road.
Plenty of step parents go
Plenty of step parents go along with things they disagree with because they are afraid to rock the boat. Just because someone spends years going along to get along, doesn't mean they are wrong when they finally say enough.
Don't fall for having a new
Don't fall for having a new baby, sounds like husband is feeling fragile and fatalistic. Wanting to leave progeny behind is one thing but he's putting all the burden on you. Plus it won't help anything.
I'm surprised by the number
I'm surprised by the number of people saying, take your husband with you. How many here would be willing to blow vacation time and money in order to piggyback on BM's vacation? :sick:
I'm siding with your DH and
I'm siding with your DH and wondering what the hell took him so long to say something.
It's completely inappropriate that you and your ex take family vacations together.
Send your DD to see her dad. You can take a girls' weekend with your friends if you "need a break".
I'm all for everyone getting
I'm all for everyone getting along and whatnot but this is just ridiculous.
SMH
Even on the worst of days and-believe me there have been plenty-i would still have enough empathy to see how this might make my husband feel and act accordingly.
If you go don't be surprised if you come home to an empty house.
I guess then maybe it won't be such dilemma for you anymore.
Sure - go ahead and keep
Sure - go ahead and keep booking those trips. Then go about seeing a divorce lawyer - because nobody in their right minds would put up with this.
Honestly, I wouldn't even be
Honestly, I wouldn't even be ok with my DH going to dinner with his kids and BM while I sat at home, much less an entire vacation. While I don't doubt that you deserve time with your DD and time away from your stepkids and the stressful BM situation, I don't think going on a vacation with your ex and his family is a fair way to get a break. Maybe a weekend away with your DD would be ok, but personally I'd be offended if my DH wanted to take his kids on a trip without me. I married him to be a family, if he wanted to take trips alone with his kids he should have stayed single. Others will disagree, I'm sure, but that's how I feel.
It kind of sounds to me that you are having bigger issues in your marriage than just your vacation situation. I get being stressed out by court and stepkids, etc., but if you really need a break from your DH, maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship. He had a major health issue, he wants another baby and you don't, it sounds like you are not in the same place right now and this trip that he's opposed to certainly isn't going to help matters any.
Ok, thanks for the feedback.
Ok, thanks for the feedback. I felt it was all fair and repped both sides. My daughter is just turning six and her dad and I divorced before she can remember us being together. I was not born and raised in the US. I came here as soon as I turned 18, worked hard got married had a baby. It did not work out for many many reasons, the two biggest were age (both young and foolish) and his jealousy. My ex has a job that is less than self serving and pays ok, he travels frequently for his career, We meet him two or three times a year for a long weekend here or there, where he is. His parents are from his home state they meet with us, when he had a gf she came as well. EX and I have a lot of clear boundaries, we have never been in pools or hot tubs together, we have never rent the same space, no condos etc. I also do the same with his family. I do not drinks alcohol in his proximity and same deal with him. We do not typically do rooms with shared doors. Large resorts, same building, different floors, different experiences. We say hey in the am, ex takes dd for the day. I get her at night bath her usually do bed time routines and settle her with him or his family and go to bed in my own room. Many times dd will wake up ask for me and be returned to me. We do not do photos together. When we have these trips, they are for ex and dd benefit although I love the perks, no skids and no bms and just fun fun fun. I will usually spend a day with just DD and myself and enjoy the resort or whatever on my own while they have their time. If I wanted my ex back, I could have him. That lifestyle is not for me and our divorce was very very painful at that time. I feel like this, dd is still so young, when she does see her dad so infrequently compared to most and not the in the home, I am willing to facilitate these meetings and help them both. I love my dd, she is my only. I take shit from BM2 all the time let me have this ONE and only break. When DH can travel we take all the kids! We take them to wherever we can. DD never has her dad, and he never has her, he is fiscally responsible and his job is for the greater good. This dad wants nothing from her and everything for her. This dad wants her to love him and his family and be loved too. He is a good person. But it just did not and will never work out. Any talk of reuniting is off the table and never happens. My ex feels he is being respectful and will not knock on DHs door, or set foot in his home. He pays his CS and med insurance. My DH makes way more. He does not have to have a care about finances. He is blessed and works hard. We are very in love. He is a good man too, above and beyond what it takes for his kids. Was anyone here raised with a dad on skype? Not to be rude, but that situation is unique and a generation gap. Therefor I feel my dd and my ex need my help. DH has been invited every time we meet up but not skids, it is not about them. They have no place in this equation is how I feel. They will never be a part of any of it. So many women bitch about BMS being selfish putting themselves or their personal relationships in front of kids, I am not that person. While I may seem pissed I am not. I appreciate all of this and this forum and venue. My ex has never asked me to not come along with dd. If he had a gf who did it was not mentioned to me. If that is why his gf left him (doubt it) then that should have been brought up on trip (last night comments among adults) When it comes to having a dad that is here daily, my dd will never get that. She will never have a dad down the block to meet her half way or show up at school, she gives up a lot and deserves to have an easy but temporary transition with him when she can get it. All families give up stuff in his line of work. I hope I answered all questions posed and spoke my truths, which I do feel are dd's truths too. Now, having said all that and including more info, what next? Counseling? DH wont go! Or maybe I go anyway and piss him off royally, or he tells me I still can not go, then what? DD wants me to go. When ex traveled it was his parents that came to me and DD no matter how far and helped me with her and the house and yard and holidays. DH travels often for his job and I still work hard with HIS kids. I still cook and clean and pick up and drop off and mediate and answer BM texts. You all can realate Im sure, it is what I "signed on" for, so what did DH sign up for???? Also anytime I was vague it was meant to be, I hate BM2 and all her stalking and games if that makes sense. Thanks be to you all and this page, now what?
Looks like you have it
Looks like you have it figured out. No need to give advice, generation gap and all. Now, I would write more, but I need some arthritis medicine, take my dentures out and watch Golden Girls. Hang in there youngster.
Not that I have anything
Not that I have anything different to add that has not already been said, but just another vote for the completely disrespectful and out of line side.
You keep harping in your post on how your DD has a different relationship with her father and why, but it's really irrelevant. Who cares if she has had a skype-ing relationship with your ex? It has nothing to do with a generation gap or what she does or doesn't get. Your DD does get to see her father and this is how things have worked out in the past, but the bottom line is there is no reason you need to be there! Your DD is well old enough now to travel on her own to see that side of her family. My DD used to travel as an unaccompanied minor as well when she was that young, all the way up into her teens and like others said, it is very safe and controlled.
Your DD may want you there, but at the same time, you need to loosen the apron strings and start teaching her that things like this are not always possible and that she needs to be a big girl and go see her father and grandparents on her own. There is no reason whatsoever that you NEED to be there. I'm sure her father and extended family is totally capable of giving her a bath and taking care of all her daily needs for a few days.
If I was your DH I would have a serious problem with it as well, much to the point of marriage destruction if you just went ahead and did what you wanted to do without a care for what your DH thinks.
O>K> all you persons out
O>K> all you persons out there that are having all these WONDERFUL STEP-PARENTING experiences. LOL!!!!!!!!!!Well here goes my most recent experience-I was left at home while my loving husband took off for the weekend to stay with his T their house- the home where his x-wife and her husband reside. Begged him to PLEASE get a motel room for himself and the kids, but he said well his x-wifeand her husband both wanted to see him "SAVE SOME MONEY". Oh Yea-did I forget to tell all of you about him taking all of them out to eat-every meal, taking the kids to the high school football game, and "doing other things with them". If i knew then, what I know now, about how this step-pparenting scene normally plays out-I would have STAYED THE HELL AWAY FROM IT! I had already raised my 5 children, and have grandchildren older than these kidsa are. (They will be 16 in April 2015.) Respect-Forget that word, too. Neither the husband nor the stepkids have any for me. Welcome to my HELL!
Yup.You can't buy stupid.
Yup.You can't buy stupid.
"Was anyone here raised with a dad on skype? Not to be rude, but that situation is unique and a generation gap." --- OP
A generation gap? I am offended. I have managed a divorce parent situation across 3 continents, a Colombian con-artist, a Russian bride stepmom, and a series of girlfriends. Yes, we Skype. Yes, we email. Ex-DH started this when BS was 1 1/2 years old. It is completely normal WITHOUT a vacation. Your child is old enough to travel on her own. This is about YOU and if I was DH I'd start looking for alternatives.
You scream self-centered, "I need a vacation" young woman stupidity.
I saw on another blog that
I saw on another blog that you are a stay at home mom. Hopefully your husband isn't paying for these trips.
OP, you sound like spoiled and selfish young lady. You go on these little trips several times a year, invite your husband to tag along, but then tell him his kids aren't allowed to go on ANY of the trips. You go about three times a year, yet you aren't willing to allow his kids to be included just once a year.
I hope your husband has several close family members and friends who are willing to help him find his balls. Once those balls are firmly in place, his friends/family members should encourage him to issue you an ultimatum ~ end the trips or end the marriage.
I have asked for advice, and
I have asked for advice, and I got it. I am not going to any trips to meet with x. His mother will come to me and pick up dd and take her to x. That is what we all agreed to. It will work out well for all involved. X does need to parent with out me, dd needs to let go of me more, and this is a gentler way for her to do it. As far as my comment that did clearly inflame many, I meant that seeing your dad only skype for most of your life is new. It is my dd's generational thing. It is common now, but that is not how I grew up, there for it is clearly a generational thing. Can you see what I meant by that now? I certainly did not mean that parents of all ages that come on a internet message board are unaware of email etc due to age. That would not make any sense. As far as who paid for all the previous trips, it was funded by the cs I recieve from my x. Not my dh and not my x or his parents. DH does to take his kids on trips through out the year! If he wants to only take his kids he does that. All I said was I was not taking my skids on a trip for dd and her dad. We take all the kids on several trips all together too. My dd does a traveling sport and we take all the kids when the events are at water parks etc. We do plenty with all the kids. This was the one instance where they did not go. DH and I had a long talk this weekend that lead to a short email to x and his parents, and the resolution is what I have stated here. Thank you.
But Skype is an *advantage*
But Skype is an *advantage* for this generation... all the kids with long distance fathers before this generation only got to "visit" their dads by phone... and before that generation, they had no contact but mail.
Seeing a dad *only* by Skype is a VAST improvement over the previous alternatives. There were still lots of kids who didn't live near dad before Skype.
You use CS money ~money that
You use CS money ~money that is paid to HELP support your child~ to cover your vacation expenses. :jawdrop: :sick:
You are the type of BM many SMs here complain about. You receive CS but do not work so your ex is the only one supporting the kid. You use CS for yourself.
Skype is def by leaps and
Skype is def by leaps and bounds far better than people my age had, however, I did leave my ex I did not choose his career for him. It takes him all over, for the greater good. I respect what he does. Everyone in my life knew I used my CS to pay for trips. What he is court ordered to pay for dd, is nothing compared to what we take care of, sports, clubs, community organizations, lessons etc. Dd is on my DH insurance not ex. But I do feel bad that when it comes to events around school or town its always just me not her dad taking her around, you all can understand that. I am the one has seen dd through thick and thin, through more than one surgeries, challenges, changes, nightmares, fevers, etc. I am a good mom and I could have used the support to do what I please instead I saved it up to reunite her with her dad on my terms. I get it it is not a popular decision but it worked and now it does not and it is over. My dd goes to a great school, travels for fun and sport, is in lots of activities and has every advantage. I never got my nails or hair done on my cs. I never went to lunch on it. It goes in the bank for her and we did the trips that are now over. I do not need to use cs for my own trips.