Haley's picture

Dealing With The EX WIFE.....is this really how its going to be?

I am almost 20 and my boyfriend is 39. We have been together for almost a year, and we have a great relationship. His mother loves me as I do her. We get along GREAT and he also has 3 children. Ages 6,8,9 they are the best and they love me just as much as I love them. He was married for 13 years before he met me. When we met he was seperated from, well lets call her "B" for almost 4 years. When we met we met in Miami beach, I was living there he was on business. We started talking on the phone frequently and he would fly in and out to see me. Finally we made the big jump and I moved in with him. I had never met his children but had spoken to them on the phone many times. We all met and just fell in love with each other. He has 2 boys and a beautiful little girl.
Anyways... my BF warned me about his EX. He told me EVERYTHING, all these crazy stories about how dictating and controling she is. How she never bonded with her children and only used them as pawns to fight with him. She sounded NUTS, but I thought 1. I could handle it and 2. It was no where near as bad as it sounded. Well I WAS WRONG. Before I even met the women she is calling child protective services trying to get the children taken away from my BF because we live together and we are not married. Well that didnt work, but still. She makes our life HELL. I mean HELL she plays game after game with the children, lies about EVERYTHING, tells the children lies about me and my BF. She does whatever she can to make is hell for us. At first I tried to be nice cause I put myself in her shoes and if I was almost 40 years old, over weight and my children could not stand me I would hate me to, but I TRIED TO BE NICE, I tried to keep my cool but now, everytime I see her it ruins my whole week. I dont know what to do. my BF has joint custody. We have them one week and the next week she does so I dont see things changing. Is this how Im gonna have to live my life? Please help.....


stamina's picture

If you are going to be with this man...yes

I also have a question...what was your BF's role in the deterioriation of his first marriage? He seems to have shared a lot about his ex's role, but how about his? Nobody is ever %100 at fault for the destruction of a relationship. As well, what does an almost 40 year old have in common with a 20 year old? Will this change with time? Has he done this before? Hmmm....more to this story I think than just an evil ex...think long and hard about this situation...because you are in for a long, winding road called stepfamily life. There is a whole world of people out there with a whole lot less baggage than a middle age man with children. But you have to do what you want to make you happy.

mooch's picture

The ex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just have to say that i am kind of in a little of the same situation. My man is 13 years older than me, I love him very much. I cannot stand his ex-wife. She lies about a lot of things. She is always playing games and she even called him at 3 in the morning asking if he could come pick her up from the bar because no one would give her a ride. She says that she is going to meet him half way to pick up his son and he ends up driving him all the way. He is way to nice to her, I can't take much more of it. It is a very difficult position to be in. The other comment about it being his problem is so true, I think he can deal with her. I think it would be much easier on me.
can't stand Paula

anncanbike's picture

Hate the ex? Only person on

Hate the ex? Only person on earth I hate. Some hate has been b.c. DH does her too many favors, jumps way too high when she says Jump!
But with her lifestyle I can only hope she'll do herself in sooner rather than later (drugs, alcohol, guns, motorcycles, gangs) just hope swins are w/us when "it" happens vs on the back of her motorcycle bc. when you play with pigs you get dirty.

Hopeless's picture

Do you have an answer for me?

I loved your comments here. However, even thoug you are corect as hard as that is to swallow, I am going through the same thing at the moment. The Ex I have to deal with is extremely controling and will do anything to divide us. She is remarried and has a kid with the new husband, but she is determined to break us appart. The kids are really sweet but are struggling because they are caught in the middle of this childish never ending battle. My BF stands up to her but she is like the energizer bunny. She even has his family against me. They go along with it because she uses the kids against them as ammo.
I am tired of the S#$@. He no won't speak to his family because they hate me and that is sweet but I hate fighting.
I have even tried breaking it off for good because I can't stand to see the kids go through this and it is really hard on my nerves. I feel like I am too young for this but I love him so much. The hardest part is knowing who is telling the truth sometimes. I know she would lie to God himself if it got her what she wanted. Although, he lied to me to because he knows the things that deal with her upset me.
I don't know what to do? I just figure no one will care about me the way he does. I do love him but I am fed up and it is ruining our relationship. I know she has done this to everyone he has dated and it has worked. How do we fight her?

Shell97's picture

When I read this, I felt like you were describing my life....

Everything that you said, describes my life for the past 10 years. I wish I had some words of advice to give you, but I don't. I honestly do not know how I have stayed with my husband for so long and I am still with him. At one point in our relationship I dealt with his ex for him. Because he could not have a conversation with her, without screaming & cussing. But after so long of trying to deal with her for him and always ending up doing what suited her. I told my DH that I was done. The only time I would deal with her is if I absolutely had to. From then on he had to do it. Since then, he has been dealing with her and from time to time they still have shouting matches & cuss at each other. But I'm not going to worry about it. The only time I do worry about it, is when she mentions anything about me. Then I get involved. So, you need to let your BF deal with his ex and only get involved when it involves you. If you want to stay with him, just be supportive of him & his kids and let him deal with the ex. Though it hasn't happened for me, maybe one day your BF's ex will back off.

Christina's picture

Let me just say I am in a

Let me just say I am in a very similar situation. I am 26 and my fiance is 33. He too has 3 children ages 9,7,4. They are wonderful kids and have accepted me completely from day one. They are so excited for us to get married, their mom on the other hand a whole other story. She cheated on my fiance and ended up marrying the other guy 1 month after their divorce. During this time she went on all kinds of antidepressants because she "didn't know if she made the right decision". She started calling my fiance at 2 in the morning saying she was standing in the road wanting a car to hit her and that he needed to come get her all while her new husband and children were sleeping inside (he didn't instead he called her new husband in the house and told him he needed to do something with his wife). She was always calling crying to him that she didn't make the right choice blah blah blah. He told her he was happy with the choice she made because he is happier now for it. Well needless to say that didn't go over well. She too tried taking him to court saying I was a "paramor" (someone who lives with someone before marriage) and he should loose his time with the kids. The courts sent a Guardian at Li Dem out and interviewed me and he loved me and the kids said nothing but good things about me. She has screamed at me and called me every name in the book talking about me to everyone in town to turn around and want to "sit down and talk and be friends" a week later she is NUTS!!!! She tells the kids bad things about me and their dad, and they tell us on their own saying they know its not true. As our wedding gets closer she tries harder.

What it comes down to is that your man is going to have to lay it out there. My fiance finally told her that he would not answer the phone if she called, and if it was an emeregency involving the kids to leave a voicemail and he would return the call. She at first made things up to get him to call back and he would just say "are the kids okay" then goodbye. He has a time every night that he talks to the kids, he got the 9 year old a cell phone and when the kids want him they call him on that phone and because he is paying for it he made it clear the ex is NOT to use it. The ONLY communication that occurs between them is through email if it is regarding the kids, which is good too because then all conversation is documented should things ever go back to court. She still tries and he tells her whats up. She has chased me down across the tball field one time to scream at me for nothing! She is CRAZY. What it comes down to is like everyone said she doesn't want anyone else to have him even though she is remarried, she wants her cake and to eat it to. In this case she remarried someone with two kids and has stepkids who can not stand her and know she tore apart their family so I think its jealousy that her kids love me as their future step mom and her step kids hate her. Hang in there, there is hope but he has to be willing to cut communication and giving her the opportunity to say these things, he is going to have to stand up for you and your relationship or it will never work. I know the hardest thing to me is that I don't understand how she can be so cruel to someone who is so good to her children, you would think that would make her happy.

markerfelt's picture

I have the same situation

i totally understand. is she bipolar? or suffering from a borderline disorder? sounds like it. She will then never respond in a normal manner. Hang in there!

jessica's picture

Honey you are too young to

Honey you are too young to deal with this it is not ending soon be realistic and get a life more happier this will ruin your hapiness e-x's are hard to handle +kids and u r only 20?

option 2 yeah if a man is strong enough he can put the ex where she belongs and demand her to respect you and him .

best luck but run if you can honey run

Honest's picture

Run as fast as you can!

My advice is run and don't look back! I have been dealing with the ex wife for 9 years now and let me tell you it doesn't get better. There is too much baggage there and you can get better. You can get someone who devotes himself to you and you won't have an ex wife or step children controling your house. I know it's hard to deal with this answer but it's the best advise anyone can give you... TRUST ME! It's gonna be like this forever!!!!

Sooz's picture

How does the new GF deal with

How does the new GF deal with the stb ex who appears to be angry and jealous? Especially of my potential interractions with their kids? (I will not meet them until after the holidays).

The stb ex wife may poison the kids about their Christmas presents, simply because I helped wrap them.

How to support my BF, anyway to act/not act to help her, his kids?.....

I want to take the high road, not the high and mighty one, to be nice, supportive, to not let HER affect my relationship with HIM or his kids. To always act with grace, be a lady and to know that yes, if this relationship endures (which I truly hope it does, as this man is very special and a loving, magnificent father), the kids will grow up and will remember the example I set with good behaviro and positive reactions.

God help me. Eye-wink
(Yes, I have believe prayer and sending out positive energy helps.)

Sooz's picture

I am newly 48, Separated with

I am newly 48,
Separated with 2 grown stepsons in their mid-late 20's.
I get along well w/my former spouse (he is in Madrid and I am in the USA, so it makes it easier). And love my stepsons very much.

My new "BF" is 50, separated and has 4 kids:
2 teens at home, ages 16 (boy) and 17 (girl), one in college 20 (girl) and one a grad and teacher age 24 (girl).

STB Ex Wife is age 43, has been dating her HS sweetheart since the separation in June. (They separated in Jan, legally and formally in June this yr). He can file for divorce 31 June 2011 and me, 15 April 2011.
Even though she has a BF, she appears very jealous of me.

She is a petite gal, a bit stocky, but I think she is still very pretty. As she feels better about herself and is exposed to the world via her new career, she will feel more confident and happy with whom she is as a woman (and I am hoping less intimidated by me).

She has this BF, who she apparently loves and it appears, they want to marry. (Unfortunately, my BF says she has gained perhaps up to 20lbs, hence that does not help my situation.) She got pregnant at age 17 and they married when she was 18. It appears she has low self esteem having never worked, travelled or a sense of self-accomplishment (despite raising what appear to be 4 bright, lovely children).

My BF is a wonderful father and has a successful career. It appears he and his stb ex wife drifted apart but he wanted the divorce a bit more. Again, there ARE 2 sides to every story and I do not know hers.

I am a tall, slim, athletic natural redhead with an hourglass figure. Have travelled the globe and led what most would consider an exciting life. (I worked very hard to earn and maintain that.) I have the support of friends from both coasts of the USA and around the globe, had a wonderful career at the Pentagon before living in Spain the last 2yrs, and am back home in VA working on resurrecting my career.

I am also a 2x cancer Prevailer and could never have children of my own. Having had a wicked step mother and abusive stepfather (both of whom I have long forgiven), I know first hand what is like to be a child of divorce, to be neglected, and also what it is to take those experiences and be a loving, devoted step-parent.

My BF made the mistake of telling her (and the kids) about me (I just met him in early Nov). I wanted him to wait until after Christmas. And ideally for at least 3 months before he mentioned anything to his kids or the wife. I feel his personal life is none of their business anyway.

She calls me a "socialite" and his "online hookup" (not quite the way we met - we have a great deal in common because of my background, our upbringing and careers) (but she met her BF via reconnecting on Facebook!) and now that she has seen my flair for gift wrapping his children's gifts (as seen under the tree), calls me a "bitch" and has threatened him via Facebook to keep me away from the kids. BTW, she paid $50 or so to do an online search about me, and only found favorable info that makes her more jealous. (My resume and career support docs are all public).

Clearly, if she knew me, would never feel that way. I am a very nice, sensitive person and would never intentionally cause any friction in her relationship with her kids. I get along very well and in fact like, my husband's 1st wife. (This is my only marriage, by the way.) I also work to remind my BF why she is feeling and acting the way she is, to be gentle, but at the same time, to stand up to her politely and firmly. Also, to never say anything negative, EVER, now or in the future about her to his children. (Been there as a child and it is NOT ideal.)

I told my BF (who loves me very much, btw) that perhaps we should simply avoid one another completely until the holidays are over, until things calm down and if he is still interested, to give me a call. He cried and says he does not want that. I told him, OK< then, with the right attitude and grace, we can handle anything. It is not going to be easy.

Also, the kids seem to have no problem with their mother having a boyfriend, who buys them bday and holiday presents (trying to buy them it seems), but because of the mother, seem to want to hate anyone who makes their father happy. (I am not sure of this, but it appears to be headed that way.)

However, I will not stand for this woman calling me a bitch, ever.

And I told him I will not ever stand for being put in 2nd place ever again behind a former wife. His children come first and always will, but as the woman in his life he is thinking of marrying, his new wife comes first, too, but on another level. (Meaning, kids come first, but do not neglect the adult love relationship.)

(My husband was so afraid of his first wife post the divorce (all in his head), that he took all his hate and anger out on me...the prob, was, as a new, innocent, loving wife, I let him and failed to set boundaries thinking he would get over it and things would improve. Not so. Once a person becomes abusive, it is that much easier to cross the line and get worse. It only escalated from there, hence why I finally left him.)

SO - I am setting boundaries NOW. Letting him know how I desire to be treated and what is not acceptable. I can tolerate and bend a great deal, but I will not subjugate myself ever again to a former wife who bullies her husband who allows it.

What can I do to help him through this Holiday Season? Without meeting the stb ex wife, how can I help her? The kids? The best thing I know is to be myself and to push him away if he fails to deal with the situation in an adult manner.

Any and all advice is appreciated. Many thanks.

Suze

rukiddinme's picture

Sweetie....LEAVE...!! You are

Sweetie....LEAVE...!! You are so young and you don't have any children with this man, you can still get out with little to lose. Even though your BF sounds like a good, caring man, his ex will continue to manipulate him, thus causing you a lot of pain. I have dealt with an Ex that is a total spoiled b****. And it will not get any better with time, he will always have that guilt about his children, divorce, leaving, or whatever else she tells him he is awful at. My BF and I have a child together, and yet still his Ex wife's "emotional well-being" comes before mine and I typically give in for the sake of the kids,and to be a bigger person even though it upsets me greatly. When you have a crazy ex, who uses the kids to manipulate and get what she wants (even if it is just out of spite, anger, resentment), no matter WHAT you do, it will never be enough and your BF will feel quilty to give in to her demands for the "sake of the kids". No amount of money, resources, time, fairness, etc will ever be enough for a crazy ex, there will always be something wrong that is his fault, and he will feel quilty, and give in. RUN..RUN...you are so young...dont start like this. Find A MAN THAT IS ALL YOURS AND ONLY YOURS! BUILD YOUR OWN BAGGAGE WITH SOMEONE, DON'T UNPACK HIS!

Best of luck

aleshiafenner's picture

It's true it is a long crazy

It's true it is a long crazy road ahead of you.I know I am on that road. You won't believe what these women will do to make your life hell. I am 23 and my husband is 37 with two boys 16 and 14. She his bipolar and she has gone as far as attacking him the day after Christmas with the kids there. She pulled and threw a sword at him attacked him and bit him face and while doing that hit him on the head with something. Then had the nerve to call the police and try and file a report that he attacked her. Needless to say she went to jail and child protective service got involved big mess. All this shit just to stop him from getting married, and she paid for the divorce. If you think you can hadle that kind of crazieness then good luck and try not to deal with her and assist the BF by supporting him because he is going to need it.

Anonymous- WA's picture

Sorry, but yes it is

I am truly sorry to say Haley, but this is how it always will be. I have dealt with my husbands EX for a while now and she does the same things. She plays with the children's minds. She says cruel things about me and their father to them, which are untrue and really rude. She tells their children that she won't love them if they love their father, or they won't get what they want if they hug him around her, but hugging her around him they get rewarded. If they don't call her 10 times a day she calls the cops since she thinks we are neglecting their children. I have always been nice to her since we have to try and get along for the kids, but she calls me names and does a lot of crappy things in front of her kids to me and my husband. She is the most evil person on this earth! We are suppose to have the kids every Monday, Thursday and every other weekend but his ex has told his children that they can't come see us because she won't love them if they come down during the week. We made them since that is what the court ordered, but it made our lives miserable, so we gave up. Now we only see them every other weekend if we are lucky! It has been 6 weeks since my husband has seen his kids, and they have only called once. He tries to call them twice a week since he knows they are busy (doing nothing) but they never get the messages. We are looking to move out of the town we live in and get away from all of this and start our lives together without the EX around, when a person over heard this and told my step daughter that we were leaving she called her dad and cried and said that she loved him and doesn't want him to leave and loves spending time with him. How is this true when in 6 weeks they haven't seen each other and have talked on the phone 3 times? That is nuts. Of coarse the mother finds out and calls my husband and blames me for everything, says the kids hate me and mean things, he just hangs up the phone on her because he is sick of it. My step daughter has called me so many names it isn't funny to my face and tries to spread bad rumors about me that I find out about. She is turning into her mother and I hate that. Two spoiled evil persons in this world and we can't do anything about it because his ex has a spell on them or something. She uses her children to get to their father and that is wrong. This has been going on for as long as I can remember and it doesn't change! I sure hope it does when the kids are old enough, but that may not happen either!

lovelyblktina33's picture

Ex-Hell!!!

I completely understand and it does not get any better it just gets worst everyday. I am divorced myself(10yrs now)and I never thought that there could be a person more childish and selfish than him. I pray that I will not grow to hate her but everytime she does something or calls and disrupts my household like this past week, I would like to slap her really hard ( she better be glad I have God in my life).She called on Halloween and ruined a perfectly good evening with her crap( we have custody) all the way from Florida. She called the bank and got are home phone number( which she did not have because she has MAJOR issues. She calls and starts yelling at my step-son about why won't your father answer the phone when I call( which is about every two weeks), he is trying to tell her how much candy he got and she keeps cutting him off asking the question over and over again. When I heard a 7 year old apologizing for not calling an almost 30 year old I told him to tell mommy to call daddy's phone because he wants to talk to her. She told him to do something to me but he says he does not remember but after that day he has been horrible, mean, cruel, and I am tired of it. I want to talk to her and ask her what is the problem because she is even asking him what my birthday is, what are my childrens ages ( IS SHE GOING TO SEND ME A CARD?) I am fighting the idea of hating her but it is getting hard. this is just one incident, so no IT DOES NOT CHANGE!!!!

Nichole's picture

I just wanted to comment

I just wanted to comment after reading this one, because I feel I relate a lot to your situation. I only let his X get to me sometimes. I ALWAYS kill her with kindness, as hard as it is to swallow. I would never want her to think that anything SHE says or does has any affect on me or my relationship- what so ever. Because that is exactly what she wants. I think if you are the bigger person, you will be the better person. And eventually the children will become adults and remember how mommy acted, and how step mom reacted. IT IS A CONSTENT STRUGLE.
I am 27 yrs. old I had a son of my own (never married) when I entered my relationship, with now my fiance. He had 2 beautiful daughters. We now have a daughter together. He gets his girls now 1 night a week and every other weekend. She controls the night of the week that it is. And believe it or not she now lets ME pick the girls up. (before she wouldn't- until the judge told her he could have anyone he deemed responsible to do so on his nights) She conveniently chose a night that the girls have dance class therefore; I pick them up on my way home from work, pick up my son, then baby girl. All to get home for 20 min. or so before I have to load all the kids up again and take the girls to dance class. Dad picks them up on HIS way home from work- gets to see them for about 30 min. Then drives them all the way home. So basically we don't get to see them, we just do her running for her. I could go on and on - but that is my latest annoyance with her right now. I try to keep a positive attitude.
What made me search this site today though- Is this weekend we have a social function (a benefit for a friend who got hurt in an accident) that it is very possible that her and her new 52 year old boyfreind could attend. I'm just strugling on how I might deal with this. We are really close the friend that got hurt and it should be a good time. But the sight of her will probably ruin it for me.
I rather keep her out of sight and out of mind. Like she doesn't even exist. Anyway it helps to talk about it - good luck to you!!

kraecnieee's picture

Thank You

In reading your comment, (and even after reading so many) your comment that "And eventually the children will become adults and remember how mommy acted, and how step mom reacted" really stood out to me. I've been struggling with BM for 2 years now and I hate the stress it causes to my relationship and just to me personally. Most of all, I hate the way I get bitter and resentful to not just the BM, but to the kids. I can't help but feel like it if it weren't for the kids, I wouldn't have to deal with BM. It kills me to feel that way toward them because it's not their fault. I am fortunate that my fiance has such incredible kids. SS13 and SD11 are great kids, but they're still kids and they're unfortunately at that age where I can't be as authoritatve as I'd like (the thought of hearing, 'you can't tell me what to do, you're not my mom' frightens the hell out of me) even though I know my fiance would promptly take care of it if something like that were to happen. But they aren't so old that I can just be their friend. They still need direction, role modeling and consequences when appropriate, even if coming from me. I can't just ignore them or write them off because I don't like their mom. When I made the decision to be with my fiance, I made the choice to accept his kids into that equation, but it feels like marrying him means marrying BM too. She knows that she can pick up the phone anytime and whatever she needs, he will do, because he won't let his kids suffer. She has moved 4 times in the last 2 years, and WE helped her this last time. I had to help the stupid b*tch move because I am always the bigger person, even though she rolls her eyes when she hears my name, won't even speak to me or look at me, and has no qualms about expressing her dislike for me in front of the kids. She is manic depressive and doesn't always take her meds. The kids are well aware of this and the SS already lives with us full time because of him and his mothers dysfunctional relationship. Recently, I really feel like I have reached my breaking point with her. The thought of her, seeing pictures of her in the kids room, seeing her name on the caller ID, I just want to scream. I'm really bothered that my fiance doesn't stand up for me, or call BM on her sh*t. He has no problem putting her in her place when it benefits him or makes him feel better but when it comes to me, he says it will just cause more problems and to be the bigger person. I AM SO TIRED OF BEING THE BIGGER PERSON!!! What good has come of it? This is the attitude I have found myself in, so reading your entry really helped me. I am a patient person. I'm not sure if I have 7 years of patience left but I will certainly try Smiling

As for the 20 year old. Honey, I feel for you because I have a feeling your head is telling you to run for the hills because you're too young to have to put up with that crap, but your heart wants to stay. Is he willing to have another baby with you? You do want kids, yes? As much as you love his kids, there's nothing like the love you'll have for your own and it will give you someone else to focus on. My fiance is fixed, and I have already discussed with him that I have full intentions of getting pregnant, even with a sperm donor. Good luck to you, life is a long road, especially from age 20 Smiling

Jamie's picture

This was so refreshing to

This was so refreshing to read. I am having a very hard time dealing with the BM - especially as we get closer to our July wedding. The girls (9, 6) are very excited and actually want to be involved in the ceremony - which drives BM NUTS.

One of the things she does is EXACTLY as you describe - badmouth me in front of her children, talk badly to my fiance about me and he may or may not stand up for me - haven't figured it out - ignore my presence...the list goes on. Now, I know that she and I will never be friends, but the insecurity she has is so apparent and sad. I'd pity her if I didn't despise her so much. I, too, am trying to be the bigger person and it sucks. As for being ok with my fiance helping her? That part I can't be ok with. I am the breadwinner - by a LOT - and have no interest in spending my money on her. Now, if the kids need something that's a different story. I am usually game for any reasonable request (so far, nothing unreasonable has come to light; although when she figures out that I'm the one bringing in all the cash I imagine that those requests will be right behind that illumination).

My fiancee thinks that she filed for divorce to bluff him and teach him a lesson - in retrospect - because she is behaving like the jealous wife, not the ex-wife. She really has no reason to hate me other than the fact that I'm present: which for some people is reason enough I guess.

one6ylady's picture

So many of these replies hit straight to my heart...

For 10 years I've been with my DH (we've been married for the last 4.5 of them). From the moment I stepped into their lives and the skids decided they really liked me, the BM has been on the warpath against me. My SD (now 17) and my SS (now nearly 21) loved me to death way back then. We were so close that they used to fight to see who would sit next to me at dinner or at the movies, or even on the couch at home.

The BM, who is diagnosed Bi-Polar (according to her) and has had bouts of severe instability went ballistic and took everything out verbally and emotionally on the kids. Then one day BM went off the deep end and went after my SS and me at a school open house. The result was as 18 month no-physical contact PFA consent order, and she fled across country to avoid going to court for the Offensive Touching charge for her actions against me. She was permitted to have phone calls, emails and letters, but didn't bother with most of that unless it was to trash on the kids for "choosing" their "Dad and that bitch" over "their own mother" and telling them she was going to have more kids to simply replace them because they were treating her so badly - MAJOR GUILT TRIPS!

For 2+ years she had almost no conact with the kids at all. We were being the better parents and forcing them to call her for her birthday and holidays and such and telling them not to hate their mother, that no matter what she had done to them she still loved them and to give her time to sort out whatever was causing her to treat them that way. Yes, our lives today would be easier if we'd simply allowed them or encouraged them to hate her, but that wouldn't have been the right thing for them - they need to learn their own lessons about their mother when they're adult enough to deal with it and see the truth for what it is.

Then we got married, and she POUNCED back into the picture with a vengance. She's been on a hate campaign against me ever since and has told others her goal was to make the skids so unhappy living with their Dad and me that they would want to go live with her. She didn't care if she was making them miserable in the process. That's so sad! Of course, once the skids became teenagers it became easier for her to poison, and things went from great to absolute misery for me.

I continued to treat the kids with respect and love and constantly remind them how much I loved them "no matter what", and luckily, SS has now grown up enough now to see through a lot of the crap his mother fed to him and we're now becoming close again. SD is another story all together. BM got hold of her younger and has been much more determined with her, to the point where she now hates me (or so she tells everyone).

BM send emails to all of our family and friends and to the kids full of lies and innuendo (resulting in additional charges of "Breach of No-Contact" and "Harassment By Communication" charges being added to the pending Offensive Touching charge so she now has two capiases out for her arrest). She's tried to have me fired at least 4 times and has filed several child abuse complaints against us - the most recent one we just found out about this past week and it mainly targets me. She does this because she know I work for the Children's Services Department and she hopes having an agency within my own department investigate me might cause me to lose my job.

All I can do now is hang in there, force DH to make ALL the decisions relating to SD, and hope that she eventually grows up and sees things for how they really are. There's not much else I can do... just keep loving her "no matter what" happens and let her know I'll always be here for her. Unfortunately, it is breaking my heart while I'm trying to survive it. I hope it's easier for you than it has been for me. I'm struggling to hold onto my sanity, but the tears come more often now than they did before, and I even find myself crying in my sleep.

I knew what I was getting into when I married my DH. I knew his EX was a head case and that I would always be a target. I guess I just thought that logic and reality would mean more to those involved than they apparently do... bad mistake on my part. Now I'm hopelessly in love with my DH and my SS and SD too, so they have more power to hurt me than anyone in my life ever has before. Nobody can hurt you like the ones you love.

I'd love to hear from anyone who lives in Delaware... I could use a friend who understands that I can talk to in person from time to time. In the meantime, I think it helps to read the posts here and realize I'm not alone. Sorry for the long rant, but it's been on my chest for so long I really needed to put it out there somehow and be able to let go of the pain a little bit.

happy's picture

Fearless is right..

Its a long winding but somehow very rewarding road too.. But it does make you get your panties in a bunch A LOT..
And it makes you full of anger and hatred, and you look in the mirror and think OMG what the hell is happening to me.. LOL..

I am not going to hold back here.. I am trying a new thing. honesty at all cost..
Your life as a SM will be full of twist and turns and sometimes the roller coaster will go so fast you just want off. So it takes more work to be in a marriage or relationship alone as a Step Parent. You not only try to work on the marriage relationship but you have to constantly work on the relationships with the children. And then sad to say but there are BM who are hell bent on making "your family" life a living hell. And its because like Fearless says they have the syndrome "I don't want him but I sure in the hell don't want anyone else to have him". Its almost like because they have kids with him they think its like ownership. They get to call all the shots and the only thing the SP gets to do is pay for things and sometimes have a say.
Now my situation is not horrible I think even at times I make it worse then what it really is just because I do not have the prespective to look at the situation in other ways until its pointed out by someone here..
I would say think long and hard about this.. 20 is awfully young to start out this way. And I am sure your man is a great man.. Just seriously think about all that is said here. Read Caitlyn's blogs, or some others where the ex wife is just a Horrible Miserable Woman..

This is ALL JUST MY OWN THOUGHTS..
I can say that I would not want my daughter to do this for sure.. If she did I would just let her know what she was in for.. And try to help her.. But its hard.. and its a full time job... Just trying to keep your sanity is a huge part.. LOL..

I hope I did not offend anyone.. Not my intent..
happy

Happy

Anne 8102's picture

In a word... YES!

So either pack your bags and run to the nearest exit NOW or resign yourself to it and become a regular on this site! Eye-wink

I just passed the five-year mark. It has never gotten any better and is consistently getting worse as time passes. The only thing that changes is us, trying to find new ways to deal with the same old BS.

Shocked WELCOME! Shocked

~ Anne ~

ღஐ anne|8102 ஐღ

TL's picture

Incredibly Exhausting

My husbands ex comes off to everyone in the world as one of the sweetest kindest women on the earth. She is actually a self righteous, selfish and confused pain in the rear! She is remarried and claims to be sooo happy but will not stop manipulating us and creating stress for us. I know she just wants to still feel a sense of control and input into what goes on in our house. Three adorable children are involved and are lucky to have two really good parents and two decent step parents. But, everyone could go about their business with much more peace if she would stick to the goings on in her own house and leave ours alone! It drives me crazy, makes me angry and puts a lot of stress on my husband and I. Wish I knew it would get better some day, but not sure it will. Seems like it has more to do with her controlling personality than anything else that has or will happen.

GMP's picture

When I read your Comments

When I read your Comments "Incredibly Exhausting" I though I was writing it myself. I am living in the exact same situation as you are. I keep telling myself only 6 more years and the child will be of age and then she will be gone for good...but she will find a way to manipulate herself into our lives I just know she will!!!! Well... I guess its a relief to know I am not the only one who has to deal with such exhausting behaviour from a woman who is obviously unhappy in life and not able to move forward and find her own way!!!!

stepmama's picture

I have pages and pages to

I have pages and pages to write, but will try to keep it simple. I am also the step-mom to a 12 year old and let me tell you her mom defines selfishness. For years, my husband and I have bent over ( almost to the point of breaking) to accomodate her crazy behavior and protect my step-daughter from being hurt, but it has taken a huge toll on our relationship. The ex is remarried and manipulates her husband to the point that he is oblivious. She is even facing criminal charges for embezzling from her boss and acts like she is related to the queen of England tough is facing incarceration. I have been researching narcicissistic personalities and she definately qualifies. I think that I've learned alot in the past few years and am begininning to understand what works and what doesn't. People who lie often and even to themselves don't care if you "stick to the facts"... they see the world as though they are entitled to special treatment. One way we've taken out some of the frustration of her rewriting history is to communicate only via e-mail and make sure they are from your husband. Stick to the facts (ie. Jane has soccer practice on Monday so please put her uniform in her bag when she comes home on Monday).Don't ask questions or even try to "be nice" simply be informative. Print out the e-mails and her responses and make a binder to record your interactions. 2. Set up an e-mail account for your step child so you can contact them when they are at their mom's house because @12 it is easier to ask them a simple question than to ask their mom. 3. Let your step-child know that your relationship is totally independent from how her mom feels about you. I visably saw my step-daughter struggle because she felt torn when her mom would trash talk me. I think it helped her to know that I am aware that her mom doesn't like me and although I am hurt by her mother's anger, the relationship that I have with her is separate from the interactions I have from her mom. I cah laugh about the stuff her mom says so she doesn't feel bad about sharing those comments with me. Also, I often ask her "Why do you think she said that? What do you think she wanted you to think/do? How would you handle that situation if you were in her shoes?" There are hundreds of ways that her mom has manipulated and used her, but one thing I am learning is that just as certain behaviors can be learned, they can be unlearned. My husband and I have committed to working on teaching our daughter how to avoid the drama, how to have integrity and how to respect yourself and others. Its not straightforward at all, and we ( my husband and i) have too many "discussions" about it to count, but I do know that 6 years from now, I can look back and say that I did the best for our daughter ( in spite of her mom).

sy78's picture

Absolute kudos to you and

Absolute kudos to you and your hubby!
I am currently in a relationship with a man (yet to be divorced but anticipating Jan 2013 for that).Prior to him I hadn't any children nor any baggage of exes in my past or present to be concerned with. So it was a shock to me to suddenly be confronted with so much pettiness,hatred and pure venom at the cost of the children's mental health. The girls are now starting to come around and open up. The youngest is 5 yrs old and has latched onto me much more easily than the 9 yr old. I can foresee issues with the 9 yr old in future (not that I wish it at all obviously) just that she shows traits of her mother...i.e. emotional manipulation,lies, control over her younger sibling,hurtful and hateful comments followed by hugs and kisses, pouting fits followed again by kissing up and syrupy fake sweetness. I am trying to form bonds with both girls without there being any forcing of it. It should be natural and at their own pace.When being in a relationship where children and ex are involved (at least in this case bi-polar mood disorder ex) realize what you are taking on. You are to be girlfriend/poss wife, mother to children, educator,boo-boo kisser,etiquette lesson giver and much much more. Very exhausting but ever so worthwhile!
I think that anyone newly into this sort of a scenario (regardless of age) needs to ensure that they really do want this. That their man will place them in 1st place beside the children (The children are always always 1st! and that's the way it should be!)and understand that you will be co-parenting.From what I keep reading from some of the posts it sounds like some of the lady's men are not understanding what their role should be. 1st to children then to significant other. The whole reason for being in contact with ex isn't to handling everything for her or be at beck and call. It is to facilitate contact with the children.If there is a chance of the three adults being able to agreeably discuss issues or concerns or events regarding the children then great. If not then realize that and ensure that events are dealt with separately and discussions with the ex are kept to a emergency/need to know only basis.
I am very lucky with my bf as he has since meeting me realized that the irrational behaviour and taunting nature of her messages to him are just her entertainment to her sick mind. Sometimes it involves the children sometimes not. Either way since he has minimized the contact with her our lives have been great.
First and foremost realize what it is you want out of your life.
Realize that little lives look up to adults to help them develop. If you feel trapped then take a step back and realize where that feeling is coming from. Because as much as we dislike imensely the harm (mental mostly) that the ex is doing, we need to recognize that it is how our partner is handling matters with his ex. If you are unable to deal with her behaviour or your guy's reaction to it then remove yourself from that aspect of the scenario. you can choose how you react,how you behave.
So much more to say but better cut myself a bit short.
Thank you all for your contributions. It's these posts that assist others to seeing things in a different light or vent out frustrations. Cuz we all have those in life!

Penie76's picture

You are living my life I

You are living my life I think. I have the same issues and feel the exact same way as you do. Why can't they just be happy in their own marriage and not give our husbands such a hard time? So hard to try to stay out of things when it causes issues in our marriage. Today I feel probably the worst I have in a long time about my situation. I hate that his ex controls everything. Tells him what to do with their Son and he is supposed to do what she says. So unfair when we too have lives. I guess it has boiled down to us spending a fortune and going to court as she is not workable. So frustrating!

VERONI's picture

ex-husband

I here everyone talking about ex wives what about the ex-husband that never paid dime of child support,has remarried has a beautiful house and still says hes trying to get his life together never has never seen his daughter is 7 years and see her for christmas she 13 and buys her a slincky for christmas what is that all aboout been so supportive with him because he was married before me and that ex wife was crazy so I felt so when I divorced him I WAS STILL TRYING TO BE SUPPORTIVE, BUT NOW i NEED HIS HELP HE IS NOT THERE FOR ME WHAT DO i DO NOW...

Bonus Wife's picture

Twenty?

Oh lord, twenty is too young for all the steplife drama.....I'm in my forties and it's the toughest situation in life I've ever faced. Do yourself a favor and think long and hard about this...and then,.... Don't Do It!!!
(But if you do, we'll be here!)

Persephone's picture

I Second That!

My oldest is nearly 20 and I wouldn't wish this life on her (even though she was a difficult teen Smiling ) I agree this is one of the most difficult things I have done-- possibly because it is an endurance contest (with no end in sight) that requires me to play mental gymnastics- a skill I did not have at 20. At 20 you should be enjoying life -- don't throw it all away!

I hate to say this, but your age will come back to haunt you when times get tough--DH will say what do you know you are a kid yourself.

Besides at 20 you can't even buy your own bottle of wine--- and there will be daze...

Anonymous's picture

"Baby, you aint seen nothing yet!"

Haley, look at your wrinkle-free skin and your non-gray hair and RUN as fast as you can. This situation will age you faster than you can imagine.

Here's another tip... every day go outside and throw $50 into the street and watch it blow away. Make plans in advance and then cancel them at the last minute. Plan on having every free moment occupied by sporting events, church events, play dates, appointments, etc., without any concern for your schedule and if that's feasible or not.

AND, get very used to spending at least one day a month in court... fighting for frivolous, stupid things... and plan on LOSING because that's just what happens.

RUN, child! You're just a kid yourself. (In a good way!)