Step Talk

unless your BF drops the hammer on his ex wife and tells her WHAT is acceptable and what is NOT, which he may be frightened to do because he is afraid that she will withhold the children from him.

Honey you are only 20 years old, are you sure this is how you want to live your life? Because it will only get worse before it gets better, unless his ex meets someone else...read some of the stories on here, I mean if you are strong in spirit and willing to swallow a lot of s*** then yes it can work but it is a LONG row to hoe, let me tell you. READ some of the stories on here, and that is what you will be in for.

There is a particular breed of ex wife that seems to delight in torturing their ex's new wife/gf. THEY don't want their ex, they don't want nobody ELSE to have him either.

I hope I don't sound like too much of a downer but I'm telling you right now you are in for a rough road ahead, sweetie...the best I can tell you is ALWAYS take the high road no matter what and let HIM deal with her, SHE is not your problem, and make sure YOU and HE are ALWAYS on the same page when it comes to dealing with her, and make sure he stands up to her.

Oh and welcome, this site is a lifesaver if you continue down the step-road.

Good luck, honey, keep us posted-
Fearless

I am truly sorry to say Haley, but this is how it always will be. I have dealt with my husbands EX for a while now and she does the same things. She plays with the children's minds. She says cruel things about me and their father to them, which are untrue and really rude. She tells their children that she won't love them if they love their father, or they won't get what they want if they hug him around her, but hugging her around him they get rewarded. If they don't call her 10 times a day she calls the cops since she thinks we are neglecting their children. I have always been nice to her since we have to try and get along for the kids, but she calls me names and does a lot of crappy things in front of her kids to me and my husband. She is the most evil person on this earth! We are suppose to have the kids every Monday, Thursday and every other weekend but his ex has told his children that they can't come see us because she won't love them if they come down during the week. We made them since that is what the court ordered, but it made our lives miserable, so we gave up. Now we only see them every other weekend if we are lucky! It has been 6 weeks since my husband has seen his kids, and they have only called once. He tries to call them twice a week since he knows they are busy (doing nothing) but they never get the messages. We are looking to move out of the town we live in and get away from all of this and start our lives together without the EX around, when a person over heard this and told my step daughter that we were leaving she called her dad and cried and said that she loved him and doesn't want him to leave and loves spending time with him. How is this true when in 6 weeks they haven't seen each other and have talked on the phone 3 times? That is nuts. Of coarse the mother finds out and calls my husband and blames me for everything, says the kids hate me and mean things, he just hangs up the phone on her because he is sick of it. My step daughter has called me so many names it isn't funny to my face and tries to spread bad rumors about me that I find out about. She is turning into her mother and I hate that. Two spoiled evil persons in this world and we can't do anything about it because his ex has a spell on them or something. She uses her children to get to their father and that is wrong. This has been going on for as long as I can remember and it doesn't change! I sure hope it does when the kids are old enough, but that may not happen either!

Its a long winding but somehow very rewarding road too.. But it does make you get your panties in a bunch A LOT..
And it makes you full of anger and hatred, and you look in the mirror and think OMG what the hell is happening to me.. LOL..

I am not going to hold back here.. I am trying a new thing. honesty at all cost..
Your life as a SM will be full of twist and turns and sometimes the roller coaster will go so fast you just want off. So it takes more work to be in a marriage or relationship alone as a Step Parent. You not only try to work on the marriage relationship but you have to constantly work on the relationships with the children. And then sad to say but there are BM who are hell bent on making "your family" life a living hell. And its because like Fearless says they have the syndrome "I don't want him but I sure in the hell don't want anyone else to have him". Its almost like because they have kids with him they think its like ownership. They get to call all the shots and the only thing the SP gets to do is pay for things and sometimes have a say.
Now my situation is not horrible I think even at times I make it worse then what it really is just because I do not have the prespective to look at the situation in other ways until its pointed out by someone here..
I would say think long and hard about this.. 20 is awfully young to start out this way. And I am sure your man is a great man.. Just seriously think about all that is said here. Read Caitlyn's blogs, or some others where the ex wife is just a Horrible Miserable Woman..

This is ALL JUST MY OWN THOUGHTS..
I can say that I would not want my daughter to do this for sure.. If she did I would just let her know what she was in for.. And try to help her.. But its hard.. and its a full time job... Just trying to keep your sanity is a huge part.. LOL..

I hope I did not offend anyone.. Not my intent..
happy

So either pack your bags and run to the nearest exit NOW or resign yourself to it and become a regular on this site!

I just passed the five-year mark. It has never gotten any better and is consistently getting worse as time passes. The only thing that changes is us, trying to find new ways to deal with the same old BS.

WELCOME!

~ Anne ~

Oh lord, twenty is too young for all the steplife drama.....I'm in my forties and it's the toughest situation in life I've ever faced. Do yourself a favor and think long and hard about this...and then,.... Don't Do It!!!
(But if you do, we'll be here!)

Haley, look at your wrinkle-free skin and your non-gray hair and RUN as fast as you can. This situation will age you faster than you can imagine.

Here's another tip... every day go outside and throw $50 into the street and watch it blow away. Make plans in advance and then cancel them at the last minute. Plan on having every free moment occupied by sporting events, church events, play dates, appointments, etc., without any concern for your schedule and if that's feasible or not.

AND, get very used to spending at least one day a month in court... fighting for frivolous, stupid things... and plan on LOSING because that's just what happens.

RUN, child! You're just a kid yourself. (In a good way!)

As most of the others have posted, the answer to your question is YES YES YES!!! It will always be like this. I am in the same situation, except that I am a bit older, 37. I have 3 beautiful kids of my own and an Ex that is great. I get along with him and his wife and we all share in the good and bad times when it comes to the kids.

I tried to be open to this with my boyfriends ex and boy did I get a big wake up call. She is a mean, hateful, foul mouth lier that dose everything she can to turn her kids against their father and I. She has even stated that it is her life goal to make our lives a living hell. We are in the middle of a nasty custody battle over their children, ages 8, 10 and 13. The two younger ones have expressed a desire to live with us because they don't like the mean things mom says about my boyfriend and I. She never did any activities with the kids before the divorce, but now she goes to everything so that we can't go. It was just recently that I made my BF understand that he can still go to the scout meetings and other activities the children are involved in. He has learned to ignore her and focuses on the kids. But it is hard, and I am not allowed to go right now as it makes it more difficult for the children as she will verbally attack us if I show up.

She dose have the oldest caught up in her games now. The BM has bipolar and we just found out that they think the daughter may also. She has started going along with her mom and calling us names when she is at home, but she does not do it to our face. She is very disrespectful to her father though. She will not listen to him, throw tantrums, screams that she wants to go home if she doesn't get her way, and she is 13 yrs old.

My BF pays over $700 a month in child support yet she will sign the kids up for every activity under the sun and expect him to pay for it. And she bribes the kids so they will want to stay home and not come to our place during our time. She will let them go on the computer or buy them toys or take them shopping when she knows it is our day to have them. We never force them to come with us. We don't want to be the bad guys in any of this. We just tell them we love them and we will see them on the next day. But the oldest boy, he is 10, is very mature for his age and he knows what the BM is up to. He has told us how she is trying to break us financially by signing up the kids for everything, or how she bribes the other 2 so they won't want to come.

The only thing I can say is I hope you are strong and can take a lot of s***. I have wanted to walk many times, but I love my BF with all my heart and I love all the kids as well. For us it is important to stand together and to always be honest with each other if something upsets us. When I was 20 I would never have been able to deal with this kind of crap and I would have walked away. If my BF now was not always on my side and able to stand up for both himself and I, I would not be here. You have to have a truly unbreakable bond to be able to put up with an Ex from hell. I wish you the best of luck in what ever you choose to do. Just know that the only person you have to prove yourself to is YOU. Stay true to yourself and never let the BM pull you into her games. The kids will see the real you in time and they will see that you don't play games like she does. They may not show it or realize it now, but down the road they will.

Haley,

Run as fast as you can. First, you are 20 years old. You have so much of your own life to live - and you cannot possibly do that in the situation your are in.

Second - some people are just evil. You cannot change them, and they will not change themselves. They truly believe there is something wrong with everyone else and nothing wrong with them

Third - these children will grow up to be just like that horrible parent to some extent. You cannot change that either.

I have been involved in this type of situation for three years now and she has recently gotten her entire family involved - accusing me of stalking (I stay as far away from them all as possible), accusing my son of doing drugs, and calling my 14 year old daughter a whore - none of it is true. They are both gifted students and have never been in trouble. The 14 y/o doesn't even date yet. This is all on top of the disgusting things she tells my stepson about his father and me. My husband is ambivalent about taking her to court because he is afraid of losing the time he has with his son, however, my children and I have never been exposed to anything like this and it is not a pleasant experience. Four psychologists have said she will never change - and she won't. I just started taking a stance and telling her she cannot speak to me like that. I have also started telling her son the truth about what his mother says and does. He is 13 1/2 now and I feel he is old enough to face reality.

But in your situation - run as fast as you can - run to Europe, Hawaii or Fiji. Do something wonderful with your life - do not sacrifice your future for a 40 year old man with kids and a crazy ex-wife. You will wake up one day 40 yourself, and have nothing but regrets. If he is truly the man for you - believe me he will be there ten years from now - when you are 30 and establshed in your own life, and ready to settle down with someone - settle down - not settle for. I don't even know you, but I do know that every young woman deserves better than the situation you are in.

Haley
The above comments are very true. I am 43 and my boyfriend is 46. he and his first wife did not have children, but she had come into their marriage with two children. She was older and her children are now in their 30s. My boyfriend has been single since the divorce and that was 12 years ago. She found out he was in a serious relationship and went nuts. She has for the past 12 years used her children to keep them close. Now that he no longer is available,she has attacked me for issues and called me names.
First and foremost, make sure he defends you against her attacks about you. A man that wont stand up for your dignity in this situation is not worth keeping.
My boyfriend and I are coming to the point where there looks to be a break up and all because he never stood up for ME for her behavior toward me.
If any element of this appears to state that he is not making you a priority, you need to move on. Life is not a dress rehearsal and it does not revolve around one person. There is more out there than that.

Good luck. We all need it apparently.

Don't ruin your life. Run as fast as you can. Ex wives only get worse and more bitter with time. My life is so much harder than it had to be, and I will never forgive myself for dooming myself to this hell. And believe me, it really is hell. And because my husband and I have kids together now, I am in a never ending irreversible hell of my own making. I can't leave because that would mean subjecting my kids to a divorce and I would never do that to them. So I suffer in silence so that they can know happiness. You however still have a chance at a happy life. Leaving now will be the best decision you will ever make.

I am 23 my husband is 38. Have been married for almost 2 years to a man that has two kids and a wacko ex-wife. I love my husband more than anything,but hate the life I now have. Our life has never and will never be our own. She controls everything we do and if she isn't around to control us she uses their daughter to do her dirty work. My husband is so wrapped up in keeping his daughter and ex-wife happy that he forgets about me and his youngest child. My life is completly not a happy place. I try so hard to put on that pretend happy face but I'm starting to realize that the true sad, miserable face is seeping thru. I'm not going to say you should get out, but just know what you are in will not get any better. Like I said I love my husband,he is my world, but I often ask myself how can I live the rest of my life like this?

Searching the web for the answers to my husbands ex wife that is Bi Polar Manic has not been helpful. Wishing that someone had an answer to the madness. Institutionalizing is not what we do....so what is the answer when their own family has nothing to do with them. I relate to all the stories.

Hi There,
As I read the comments I fear that I too may be in a situation that may never remedy itself. I was married on July 28 this year (45) to a wonderful man (49). He has 2 children and I have 3. For the most part the kids do fine together and are comfortable with the marriage. Unfortunately, his EX (who left him for another man-and had several affairs)-(divorced 6 years) is a bit jealous of our relationship. She HAD free run of his house and life until I came in the picture...she resents that tremendously. He and I love each other very much...She says she never loved him. Well, he is a new preacher and now she comes to our church. She hangs out to be around him, is sarcastic to me, makes up lies, bla bla bla. Just a bunch of middle school behavior at church to stir life up. Husband knows she is lying but doesn't want to tell her to take a hike because of the children. Every Sunday she is there it's a different game. I am not a person of drama and do not play games. I'm not sure how to handle this. He called and asked her to stay away from me at church and to not approach him with personal matters as well. She cried. I believe this is because she is still emotionally attached and doesn't know what to do about it. Honestly, he is the first time I've ever been in love (my husband of 20 years died 6 years ago) and it's great. I don't want to taint our relationship by allowing her behavior to annoy us and at the same time I don't tolerate this very well. I'm mild mannered and not stirred to anger very easily. HOWEVER, she's messing with my family life and I'm liable to put her in her place. Then, I'd just be lowering myself to her standard...VERY LOW. HELP. I don't want to leave the church but do want to be out of this situation. She's known to be 'crazy' and have the morals of an alley cat. Definitely not someone to sit down and have an adult conversation with..... Short of wanting to rip her tongue out...what can I do?????

Hi! Hayle

I was 23 when I meet my husband and we've been together for 5 years. He as a 10yro girl and a 8 yro son and we too moved in togeter just 6 months after we were dating. BM is also a pycho I think all ex- wifes are, she too kept complaining about the most stupid things at one stayge she complaied that she was going to report us because we lived in a 2 bed unit and her kids were sharing a room and that boys and girls should not share rooms. Pycho! but then she had another child herself and it was okay that the kids shared a room so that the new baby could have a room of it's own.

As the year go by she gets better and although in the odd accassion she says stupid things to the kids and does odd things I try not to take it to heart, but I have a wonderful husband who I'm absolutely inlove with, we have a 3 month old and life is great! Sure there is always some issue but we deal with it as a team.

My suggestion to you is if you are trully in love then stay and things may get easier but if your heart is not in it then leave now while you can you are too young to put up with this if his not the one.

For my situation, no the ex didn't get better. She tried to fake it, (growing up, being nice, etc.) but it was only a tactic to find out more about hubby and i to use against us in arguements with DH. Now, I find that her focus has turned from us to the kids.

When hubby and I met, I was 25, no kids. He was 29 with three. Add on the ex with a tendancy to hold everyone she knows under her thumb so that they can't so much as breathe without permission - not a good recipe. It's been a long, hard road. One that has had far more rewards then disappointments. Of course, I realize that now looking back!

You have to do what you feel is right in your heart. Yes, 20 is young for the situation, but I wasn't too much older. 5 years sounds like a lot, but I was still single with no kids. The ex won't change, she will just find new ways of manipulation and new ways to hurt you. I'm glad that you can't choose who you fall in love with, I met a wonderful guy that I'm so looking forward to growing old with.

As I said, I have noticed that lately (since all of the kids are older now) ex's attention has turned from us to the kids. Guilt trips over what she perceives as favoritism of Hubby and I. I guess that when you throw one of your kids out of the house they should just come back to you begging for your love. (Of course, you don't have to change, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, it's everyone else that has the problem....) She's constantly bragging about how she's done this and she's done that. How much $$ she's spent blah blah blah. All in an attempt to make hubby feel like he does nothing. (I have to laugh because now he cuts her off and just asks her to get to the point. LOL) Hmmmmmm. All we can offer is love and support, and guess where all the kids are constantly????

I can say that the ex won't change. Unless on the rare occasion that an exorcism has been performed, and worked, but I don't think all the holy water in the world could do that with any of they psychos. You will need a thick skin, and a padded bathroom where no one can hear your screams. Or you can do what I did. Let hubby take the kids home and use that time to cry your eyes out, scream, rant and rave. Then calm down and wash you face before he gets back!

I say you are too young to be dealing with this. It doesn't get any better with time or age. I have been with my DH for four years. The step kids are 14 and 16 and it doesn't get any better. I am 28 and he is 42, but it makes no difference. I have two biokids of my own and our blended family has caused me to age before my time. Had I known then what I know now, I would run the other way...Fast, very fast. Ex's are there to make your life a living h***. Nine times out of ten, they are miserable and wants everyone to be miserable especially their ex husbands. Run, don't look back and learn from this life experience.

yes, that is the way that you will live as long as you have a relationship with him. if he didn't put his foot down after all these years you can bet hes not going to now.

Ok! I tottaly understand all of these problems... I am Married for the pst 5 years, together for pst 8. Never gets better.. We live a block away from my husbends NARCISSISTIC EX wife... she still keeps my husbands last name (eventhoe she has been remarried) but got the Big D again. sends me wedding pictures of her and my husband in my step sons weekend bg (from 17 years ago!) Calls the house at least 15 to 20 times a month. will not let us see or have my step son down for dinner, if its not our E.O.W visit (did I mention we live a block away).. Oh did I also mention we pay her a $1000.00 a Mo. and she decides to work only 25 hrs a week...Why would she work??
Anyway what make me feel better, cause trust me I am so angry and this consumes my every thought! And I hate it that one person can make me so mad!! But I have to understand and we have to understand that they win! If we let it bother us, they win! These nasty woman are Jealous and lonly and miserable, They try to make you and your mate just as unhappy as she or he is.
Oh and to the 20 yr old, any relationship your in is going to be work sometimes the harder the work the better the relationship!! When your mate sees what a koo koo his ex is,, it make him appreciate you a whole bunch...
good luck and smile.... Act as tho she is nobody.. it will drive her crazy!!!

Haley,

I met my husband when I was 23, he is 10 years older than me and has 2 teenish aged kids. We have been married for 1 1/2 years. I went into this situation as positive as I could regarding the ex-wife and step kids, not anymore. I love my husband more than anything, but if I had really known what is was going to be like I would have "dated" him until the kids were older. At 20, you are NOT ready NOR deserving of the crap you will have to deal with. i.e. - restraining orders (on you!), harrassing phone calls, constant interrogation from the ex on what is going on in your house, the ex selling the childrens belongings to pay for her to have a beach house and 2 cars and multiple cell phones when she doesn't have a job, I could go on for days...

I am a loving, dedicated person, but I find myself wondering from time to time "what the He** was I thinking???? I got to be a woman in my early 20's, don't deny yourself of that. I wouldn't trade being 21, having a career, a place of your own, a social life, etc. for any man.

A co-worker of mine said something to me when I was getting ready to move 2 hours away to be with my new family: "Life's too short to take care of someone else's 3 year old." And while the age was obviously off, I now understand what he meant. You have to live for you and makes your dreams come true, because while love is a great thing, you will NEVER get what you want. You will NEVER get to pick up and move where you want to live, nevermind trying to see YOUR family during holidays. As long as those kids are minors, you have NO say in ANYTHING. And the courts will tell you that too.

Oh, I forgot something else - very important - that money you make. Kiss it goodbye! Because even though it's his child support, someone has to pay for the utlilties and groceries, and when 30% + of his check goes to her - you're stuck with the bills.

From one 20 something to another - run away as fast as you can.