Thoughts on shared custody with a child who has a disability
It is believed that SD has Autism. No official diagnosis yet she has an appointment soon. BM is a terrible parent (as far as we know) and FDH doesn't really provide any stability either (disney dad to this specific child). BM and FDH have a very toxic relationship so they can't provide what the child needs in a split home. Pathetic on both parts, I know.
Regardless though we have SD for 5-6 days at a time it's not quite 50% but it's close. It seems as though it is doing her more harm than good. I don't want full custody of this child and I think it (all negative feelings aside) it would truly be in her best interest to have a full time home with BM. She doesn't adjust well at all to either home, and she has several days of adjustment before she's handed back and forth.
I've spoken to FDH and he refuses to give up any of his days which I understand but he doesn't do it out of love or needing SD to be around he does it out of guilt. BM will not just hand us full custody without a fight so she won't give either and SOMEONE needs to actually get their heads out of the clouds and do what is right for SD. I don't really have a relationship with SD and I don't have a bond with her at all but I can at least see what they are doing to her is wrong.
Do any of you have a bio or skid with a disability that made it work like this? It's not like she can be told "get over it and adjust" she just can't.
Don't have kids with this
Don't have kids with this guy. The disability child will pull all his time away from you and yours. Best to find a guy without children to start a family if you want kids.
I have bio kids and we have
I have bio kids and we have no plans of having children of our own. I don't want any more children and neither does he.
Honestly I am trying to
Honestly I am trying to figure out what my limits are. It's been a very long road with SD and it's never going to end and with BM being so high conflict I am really reconsidering all of this. He's a good man, wonderful provider, AMAZING step father, wonderful partner I could really go on and on but I do have to consider the whole package.
Gosh I have to agree. My
Gosh I have to agree. My number one piece of advice to anybody engaged to a guy with kids is: DON'T
Even in the best of circumstances I personally believe it will be a hard, hard road and what you are describing is not the best of circumstances.
I do have experience with
I do have experience with this and I have to say my autistic stepson is a breeze and a joy. Not just in comparison to his sister (neuro typical) who is driving me to the funny farm, but just in general.
He goes to school from his mom's house (no MOTY by a long shot!) and we have him Friday 6pm thru Sunday 8:30 pm every single weekend. In addition, his father picks him up (and his sister) for homework on Tuesday evening and I pick him up from school on Thursday afternoons to do homework and dinner. (You see, his mother has proven incapable of getting ANY of his homework done.)
I have already told my husband I'm ready at a moment's notice to have SS12 move in full time and we talk about it all the time. Doesn't seem quite right yet.
The thing is, the kid does need both parents. He has more face time with his dad (by far) and even with me than he does with his mom. Together we pull him along the path of progress that otherwise slides backwards on his mom's watch. And kiddo adores me. But he needs his mom. Sometimes he is at our house for up to 11 days and he starts getting antsy. He just needs his mom. I know it's even more so on the opposite end (antsy to see his dad when at mom's).
For my stepmother experience, this boy is really a godsend because he has no agenda. He cannot be manipulated into hating me even though his sister has tried. So he makes me feel sane. I am very successful as a stepmother to him and it shows, at least when I am feeling defensive and low, that it is NOT ME that is the problem.
I wouldn't give up my autistic stepson for anything. His dad bends over backward giving me credit for all the things I've been able to do for him and the progress he's made. That feels good. Of course, it's pure pleasure anyway to see the progress for itself and the joy in my husband's eyes.
But every autistic kid is different. Maybe yours is nothing like mine. I would just be very, very sure that she doesn't really need her dad the way he thinks she does. I would be very, very, very sure before I would want to recommend a change.