complete disengagement = relationship failure?
be honest folks. please.
can a relationship last/make it when the stepparent completely disengages to the point of not wanting to be around the child at all, for anything?
I have told my fiance that i will go to family events with him and SD but that other than that i just dont want to be around her anymore. I dont want to talk about her, and i no longer want to be in the middle of the drama between him and his ex. Their divorce and custody issues are between them, not me. Ive told him that i dont want "guilt" questions like "why dont you want to eat with us?" or "Why dont you come with us to XYZ" because he KNOWS why and i dont feel its productive for me to constantly have to say "because i dont want to be around SD". I told him im not planning her birthday party again this year, or using my money to buy things for it, and my time to make her a cake and food, etc. I said he's more than welcome to do something for her and i will show up. He actually replied that he wont be doing a family party for her this year (nor was he going to ask me to help) because of how she behaved last year in terms of rudeness, being "tired", and generally not very polite or thankful of her gifts and guests.
The 3-week hiatus from SD ends this week, and she will be coming for visitation next Thursday. I am planning to not be around for as much of her visits as possible.
But is this realistic in terms of our relationship? Meaning, can a man really love a woman that wants nothing to do with his child? Some days i think he sees where im coming from, when he gets frustrated, etc. but then other days he thinks im asking too much, and says that her treatment of him is "normal" or "typical" and doesnt really bother him. Really? Blowing off visitation and having cops called is "normal" and "typical".
I just dont know anymore.... if i force myself to be around her it will be fake and i will be miserable and i run the risk of saying something about her to him that will upset him. but if i stay away i run the risk of him leaving me for someone who will love his daughter (which we all know he will never find unless she too is a crazy disney mom like BM).
In reality, its maybe 2 years at most - then i have a feeling all her visits will stop completely, and 4 years she will be 18 and they are pretty much guaranteed to stop.
Some of you are moms - would you want a man that felt this way about your kids? im starting to feel like we may not make it.
As a BM I think it would be
As a BM I think it would be really hard if my DH felt this way about my son but I think that is mainly due to the fact that I have custody of my BS and he is at the house most of the time. I feel the same way you do about my DH's kids. I am feeling the exact same way right now. I don't want anything to do with them because DH refuses to deal with the issues with them. I feel like I am going to have to go places on the weekend when they are over. I don't know how DH and I are going to maintain a relationship if I do this. My SD is 11 and SS is 14 but I doubt their visits will stop at all until they are in college.
I want to think we can figure it out but I also think we aren't going to make it if I completely disengage.
DH and I had this exact argument last night.
I'm sorry you are going through this too.
Well.... no, as a mom I would
Well.... no, as a mom I would never be able to stay with a man who actually disliked my kids to that degree. Not just because it would piss me off, but more because I wouldn't be able to look at him the same. It would very much (for ME) create an "us versus him" dynamic, with me on the side of my kids. Marriage is supposed to be "us", and when your "us" doesn't include your spouse any more I think the marriage is over.
On the other hand, I TOTALLY know where you're coming from! Particularly with one of my SD's, when she was a teen I LOATHED being around her. To the extent that I found myself never making eye contact with her, I couldn't stand looking at her. But I never - EVER - told DH this by word or deed. And honestly, once she "aged out" it got a lot better. I don't mind her so much now, since she comes for visits of a couple hours instead of weekends (or more).
I guess my advice would be to try to keep DH from knowing how much you dislike his daughter (too late?) and hope that once she ages out she gets a lot easier to handle in small doses. I'm sorry, I've been where you are and it SUCKS.
Oh, and just for more info, I
Oh, and just for more info, I was COMPLETELY disengaged and that didn't hurt us at all. I left ALL parenting stuff to DH, even "Can I have a snack" was answered with "I dunno, go ask your dad." And as Mom, I could deal with a partner who left all the parenting to me - just not one who told me how much he disliked my kids.
he knows how much i dislike
he knows how much i dislike her and why.
the feeling is also mutual in that my SD doesnt like me either. i think she actually enjoys the visits more when im not around.
i think what's happening is she's happier at visits with out me, so somehow my fiance thinks she's "improved" and therefore i should want to be around.
then when i am around, she's her usual self and ive seen no changes.
she's really got him now on this "i have no friends" thing. she's guilting him.
if you read my threads from when i first joined here i actually liked my SD on some levels and i really cared. it was the honeymoon. now she's showing who she really is. i feel the way she has caused me to dislike her is the same reason why she has no friends. she's a brat. hell, even my fiance thinks she's a brat which is part of why he did this 3 week break thing.
but i guess at the end its that whole "parental love" thing and never wanting to see the bad or reality in your kids.
i think what's happening is
i think what's happening is she's happier at visits with out me, so somehow my fiance thinks she's "improved" and therefore i should want to be around.
This^^^is what you need to explain to him. He needs to work on his relationship with SD so that she will trust him and he can teach her how to be a decent person.
If their relationship is good, he has a better chance of getting it through her head that her attitude towards you needs to change, out of respect for him if nothing else. If that means you not being around her right now so that he can build that relationship with her, so be it.
If my kid was an a-hole, my
If my kid was an a-hole, my partner better have the nuts to point it out and tell me to remove my rose-colored glasses. I trust my partner's judgment when it comes to almost everything, including being an objective, sometimes critical voice, concerning my parenting skills or lack thereof...that's what being a team is all about, in my opinion. We challenge each other to be better. We talk openly about our past mistakes and current flaws.
If I have to be in a relationship in which I must bite my tongue about the behavior of my man's every other weekend VISITOR, then we don't have much of a relationship. Yes, I would (and do!) soften what I have to say because I love the man and realize that the visitor is his child, but I would be thoroughly pissed at him if he expected me to be around someone who was rude, annoying, or an a-hole without being able to voice my opinion. That, to me, is not a partnership worth having.
i think it can work since he
i think it can work since he does know how you feel and that it was you who has tried and you can only try so much but i think you can not completely disengage because then he would be hurt and i do think relationship will suffer.... i would never tell him how much you truly dislike SD but nothing wrong with avoiding and not talking. just make sure he knows you tried and its is a two way street. That is what i told my SD and my DH and i dont let my DH forget.. i tried too and i am done i told both of them it is not up to me anymore.
i am not mean to SD but i dont go out of way for her either. we all do some not all family things togther because my husband would not like seperate activites and if i did that then i could see where we would have breakdown in our relationship and i dont want that so i will plan little outings for him and SD and me and my bio kids.
my kids make doing things like that easier i see you dont have bios of your own to make doing stuff easier to tolorate family activities but do you have a niece or nephew you are close to? if you do and you could take a kid you actually like and plan little things like baseball game, movie then your DH will appreciate that you do some things but make it clear that you still will not hang out or do stuff with SD on your owe because it is her turn to make the effort....
me and my SD only have a hi bye relationship on weekends sometime when she comes over late on a weekday say after a school function i make sure i am already in bed reading and then i am in shower when she leaves for school in morning so sometime our paths dont even cross on weekdays. not sure if my husband knows i do this on purpose or not but he never said anything maybe because i do go to bed early and read sometimes when she is not there....
they often dont see the kids
they often dont see the kids as rude, disrespectful, annoying, etc.
It'll depend on your husband
It'll depend on your husband but generally speaking I don't see you having a problem. Many others do it daily without repercussions. Dislike of step-children/parents runs so deep and routine I don't see how anyone can question it.
It ended my marriage. My DH
It ended my marriage. My DH couldn't deal with me "not wanting to do the family thing" (his words).
Steppy, it was also the
Steppy, it was also the "beginning of the end" of my marriage. First it was his adult sons I disengaged from, then it became all about the grandchildren and I disengaged from them too. It was my last resort. I tried getting him to understand where I was coming from, etc. - and I think to a point he did...but he would say "these are my kids..."
and I saw where he was coming from as well. But just because they are your kids doesn't mean you should cancel your plans with your wife because they call and expect you to drop everything, etc.
Anyway, I could write you a book. Long and short of it is I don't think disengaging is the answer but I would say that in my case I didn't have another option.
I disengaged 3 years ago ~
I disengaged 3 years ago ~ she aged out 2 years ago.
He saw her for what she is/was ~ didn't like her behavior. He talked to her about her behavior n she had no interest in changing anything " it's her world" ~ maybe that is indicative as to she has like 3 friends. People eventual see you for who you are.
Him being with me opened his eyes to the fact that you can't make up to the kid for having a broken home. Letting her get away with stuff doesn't change that her BP are no longer together. The only thing this kid learned is that adults will always fight over/about her n to her there is no difference. Fighting over/about her ~ just gives her power.
My DF mourns the relationship he had with his daughter ( one of his best things that have happened in his life ~ his words). I have not stopped him from seeing her ~ they have to make that effort n I will never be the reasons they don't have contact. Communication is not a one sided relationship.
Ripley, do you consider that
Ripley, do you consider that a 'partial' disengagement? I also participate half the time. Most of the time when the skids are over, I do my own thing in the house while DH interacts. We can all be in the same room, but I don't say much unless it's to DH.
oh calypso... I feel for you
oh calypso... I feel for you girl. I'm there too.
Our stories have paralleled here and there over the last year or so.
Nutshell-
SD14- HUGE attitude that she shows me, tones it down for DH and family, but they accept that behaviour I won't.
Initially a Disney Dad with no rules and completely controlled by batshit BM who was used to having all the cards. She let SD refuse visitation and fueled an invisible feud with me, cops called, UGLY situation. BM was threatened with arrest and spun it into me being the bad guy. DH stood up for me which caused a huge rift, and SD resented me for it.
SD is a passive aggressive manipulator who bats her eyes and fools dadddddyyyyyyyyyy. When all of this stuff blew up on us, I didn't see SD for about a year. I had been half disengaged, neither in nor out and unhappy.
DH and I had a blow out and I laid out my plan. I said that moving forward he can see SD whenever he pleases, but count me out. I will do family stuff, like inlaw dinners etc.. but movies, dinners etc? NOPE. I told him I also no longer had any input in things, nor advice to give him about anything SD related. Whatever he wanted to do, I'd back him, but don't ask my advice. I don't cook, do groceries nothing for SD anymore. As someone said above, if SD wants a snack? "go ask Dad." She wants to watch a movie? "Go ask Dad." If they are here and watching TV? I go read my book with a big merlot.
I speak to her the same way I do a neigbour's kid. Distant, polite, nothing more. It has now been 1 yr of that and it's great. Honestly. DH sees her often- dinners, movie dates, shopping sprees and I have nothing to do with it.