New to this life - need advice!!
I met a wonderful man, he's better than anyone I ever imagined meeting. He also has a 9 yr old daughter and an 8 yr old son. I'm 27, never married, no kids, no responsibilities! I love to travel! I was single for close to 3 years when he stumbled into my life. I just went out with him for something to do on a Friday night, I knew he had kids and wasn't planning on anything coming from it. Boy was I wrong, we clicked instantly and now 8 months later, here we are.
We have plans to move him and his children into my house. I get along great with the kids, or at least I did at first, now I can tell they are a little more timid with me (probably their mother putting crazy ideas into their heads - she's a piece of work!) and just them getting jealous of me, which I'm sure is completely normal. Sadly, there are times I get jealous of them too! He has the kids every other week, so it's not like I just have to "deal with them" EOWE (sometimes I really think that would be fabulous though lol) BUT then I think of all the child support he'd be paying and think this is probably the better way for things to go. I'm having a hard time with not getting a lot of attention though. On her weeks, he ends up with them a lot of time, and it's starting to get to me. I think I'm starting to see it as the kids taking away from MY time (selfish, I know).
I'm still so new to this, I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. I know they are not my kids, not my responsibility, I can come and go when I please as far as vacations and stuff like that go. I want us to live together, for some reason we both feel like that would make things easier on us (we are both sort of clingy by nature - so being able to see eachother in the mornings and before bed at night AT LEAST would be easier on us as a couple). I want this to work and would like some advice on how to make that happen.
I would not move in together
I would not move in together at this point. You are mistaken that it will make things easier.
if u are going to let them
if u are going to let them move into your house ... the good news is its your house ... because u will be kicking them out of YOUR house !!! ... don't do ... move on ...... kids are a nightmare ... adopt a puppy !!
So, you love traveling,
So, you love traveling, having no responsibilities, and are uncomfortable with all the attention the kids get. But you want to move in together.
What would you tell a friend in this situation?
I'd tell my friend to do what
I'd tell my friend to do what he/she thinks is best for them.... BUT I do not know what that is! I love this man and we have planned out our future, talk about having kids (not anytime soon, I'm not ready for that yet), how we'll raise them together and the whole nine yards.
How do I end this with someone if I don't want to? How do you figure out what you really want!?! I'm so frustrated. =/
You love him, but will you
You love him, but will you love the life you have together? Have you talked about this with a therapist? I might start there. Good luck : )
"You love him, but will you
"You love him, but will you love the life you have together?"
YES YES YES ^^^^^^
Remember, he may have the children 50% of the time but his is a parent 100% of the time. His priority will ALWAYS be his children.
You will have his attention when its convenient for him.
Until they are grown and have families of their own, a good portion of his time and attention will be dedicated to his children. Can you live with that? Are you secure in your own life and ambitions and hobbies to essentially live a single life while offering YOUR home to him and his children.
I LOVED (LOVE) my DH. I did not enjoy my lonliness while living with DH and SD (it was supposed to be 50% but so much of his time was spent with SD on his 'off weeks).
I was an independent woman with my own money and security. I gave a lot of it up when I moved in... then married DH.
We've been separated for 1.5 years now. We live in separate houses. Its so much better this way.
I would suggest that you continue to live in separate houses for as long as you possibly can.
But, if you're anything like me...you'll move in with him anyway...and learn the hard way.
Good Luck.
Your situation sounds a bit
Your situation sounds a bit similar to mine.
My first question is you said that he ends up with the kids a lot when they're supposed to be with their mom? Is this because he has to, or because BM wants to do something and he willingly takes them? This has happened to me a bit and I put my foot down, told DH that when they're on BM's time, she is responsible for finding child care if needed. If for some reason there aren't any other options, they need to either switch days, or DH needs to find a babysitter during his time because new relationships NEED some alone time!
It's ok to feel jealous and a bit left out, it'll feel like that for a while. I know it's hard but it's a fact that you won't get all the attention you want on those days the kids are with you. Now hopefully your man will give you extra attention on the other days! Also, make sure you're not totally getting pushed away during the times they're there, even though he may be looking to have some quality time with his kids, your relationship still needs to be a priority.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the comment! It makes me feel like this can and will work out - we both just need to work on things and keep putting forth the effort.
BM has a retail job, so she ends up working nights a lot, which is why he takes them. She has a fiance and a mother and a sister and plenty of other people that will babysit the kids as well, BUT according to the divorce papers, she has to ask him first and he of course always says yes. He likes his kids and wants to be around them - I can't punish the man for that! But we have talked about it, just recently, and he said he's going to try harder to deny her sometimes. He says it makes him feel like a bad parent though. Then I feel guilty for even suggesting, but like you said - WE NEED ALONE TIME TOO!!! For instance, this week is her week, but he'll have them Tues & Wed. Also, Monday & Thurs is baseball practice (guess who can't miss a practice? Even when BM will take them?) So guess who's entire kid-free week is now kid-full!! lol I just can't catch a break. Then Friday will come and they will be back with him until the following Thursday. At least I still get my overnights this week
RUN!!! In six months you will
RUN!!!
In six months you will realize that living with a guy with children was the worst mistake of your life. Use the search function here to seek "every other week" and read what others are experiencing and read as much as you can on the other problems that crop up with step-parenting in general.
As much fun as this guy is you'll be overwhelmed 10 times by the problems he and his kids will bring with them. This will be the end of your life experience as you know it.
^^^^^^^^^^ TRUE THAT
^^^^^^^^^^ TRUE THAT ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Do not move in until the kids
Do not move in until the kids are 18. Trust me on this. BTDT and have the t-shirt. All hell broke loose when we moved in.
Thanks for the comment and
Thanks for the comment and for the articles, I look forward to reading them once I get a chance! I have been looking for different articles and books to read - so thanks for the recommendations!
As far as the child support thing goes - you misunderstood my comment. He does not pay a lot in support, as he has the kids 50/50. He gets by just fine.
Such AMAZING articles! I
Such AMAZING articles! I printed them out and will be sharing them with my DH. I didn't understand why my hackles were constantly raised around my SD, until I realized I've been forced into the mommy role, when I've said time and time again I don't mind being a positive female role model, but I'm not going to play judge, jury, and executioner--- err parent to her!
Summer visitation REALLY let me know what I was in my household, and I will be making a change if DH doesn't! No more weeks of me watching her while he spends MAYBE 2 hours in her presence!
So many people on this site
So many people on this site have been badly burned in their relationships. Please keep that in mind as you read through the replies.
I found this site first and I'm glad I did because it made me so much smarter about my relationship. I was able to figure out the feelings I had were normal and how to navigate through stepfamily world.
I think the most important part of a relationship is boundaries. You and your SO need to sit down and come up with reasonable boundaries for your relationship and stick to them.
These are the things I find unacceptable.
For me it was - dishonesty or even lying by omission.
Spending time with BM and stepkids as a family.
Not discussing important items with me (ie scheduling, budgets etc)
And it was basically we're either all in and we have a future or else we can just be friends. And he adhered to all of them. Except one time - he told a lie on behalf of BM about letting her borrow the car. And I almost walked out then. But he changed a few things. He gave me his phone password, email, facebook etc (I only checked the first few weeks after) and he started sharing all communications with me.
I give him the same respect with me and my exhusband.
And we have a really happy relationship. We have been together 3 years - married 8 months. I will add that SKIDs do not live in state any more. They moved away with BM and come monthly so I have no where near the dealing that you have to deal with but I can't imagine it. It would be difficult as a single, traveler. It's different with kids. And you'll never get the glory. But you will receive blame.
And Love will never be enough to make it work. You need to both over communicate your feelings. That's the only way it works.
But it can work.
Yes, I have noticed a lot of
Yes, I have noticed a lot of negativity on this site, but I figure that everyone's situation is different and that not all relationships work out. I try not to take it too seriously, but definitely remain cautious. We have been working through boundaries right now. Since the move is becoming much closer, I've become more aggressive in figuring out where we stand and how things will be. All this stuff needs to be hashed out before we move his children out of their house!
I feel that this site is definitely making me smarter about this relationship, and I look forward to seeing where it goes. Thanks for the comment!
I'm here to see how other
I'm here to see how other people make this work and to get advice on how to blend a family. I'm willing to give it a try, some people have success stories and others don't. I just came upon this forum doing random searches for information on making this transition as "easy" as possible.
Give it some more time.
Give it some more time.
Once he and his kids move in the tingly feelings of love and clinginess will quickly wear off. Kids are a challenge under any circumstance but infinitely more so when they are Skids. They are old enough that a quality relationship and strong bond is iffy at best and impossible at worst. Not that a strong marriage between committed partners who put their marriage first is not capable of effectively dealing with the challenges of a blended family. It can happen. It did for my bride of 20 years and I. But, it is not easy. There is always the blended family opposition looming in the background if it even stays in the background. There is always the "you’re not my mom/dad" elephant in the room even if it goes unsaid. There is always the "I don't like how you parent/discipline/interface (with) my kid" possibility when you and your SO disagree on a Skid issue. These things though manageable never go away. Ever. Even when the Skids are grown, launched, self supporting and doing their own thing.
Sell your place and buy a duplex. He can live on his side with his spawn and come over at bedtime to assuage the clingy urges you both have.
Hey, it is an option.
My wife and I met when SS-22 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2. We have made it work. But it is never easy. Being the Skid's dad has been the greatest gift I have ever received and one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life. I would not change a thing. But, I was 30 when I married a single teen mom. As a man I was not expected to be the built in day care, the care and feeding parent in the home, or to severely change my lifestyle to accommodate someone else's children. As a young woman who is obviously accomplished you have far more to lose than I did when I stepped in to our blended family adventure.
Please keep in mind that when the tingly feelings wear off reality is looming and ready so smack you square in the face. If you and SO are not absolutely committed to each other and to keeping your marriage eternally prioritized over anything else in life including his children and your own children if you have them then you are well served to ride this through the tingly parts then moving on to an equity partner who brings to a marriage what you bring without the baggage that your current SO carries.
Take care of yourself and be cautious.
The duplex idea sounds great!
The duplex idea sounds great! If only funds were available!
I love my DH more than any
I love my DH more than any man I have ever met or could have imagined. We have been together for 4 years. I still have incidents once in a while where I contemplate walking away because the skid thing is just so overwhelming. You have to be a very strong couple to make it work. 8 months is not a very long time to have been dating...maybe wait until at least a year and after you've had your first really good fight to see what you are capable of resolving.
The move won't be happening
The move won't be happening for another couple of months, we've been discussing doing it since May/June and both know that it won't happen until October/November - if not longer. We've had a couple good fights already and we've been able to work through them and are making the changes necessary to keep the fight from becoming a reoccurring one!
I am a SM of 2. I am very
I am a SM of 2. I am very happy with my DH. He is the most wonderful man on earth.
But our first year of marriage has been hard, hard work. The only reason it has worked out at all is precisely that he is wonderful and committed and tries very hard and listens to me.
Something you will learn since it sounds like you may not have learned it yet is that love is not enough. You are all atingle now, but when your stepchild is walking all over you and dad thinks it's cute, your tingles will turn to the twitching eyelids of rage. You both have to have the relationship skills to both solve the problem and keep the respect alive, let alone the love/lust.
Yes, it can be done. Don't kid yourself on how hard it will be.
Excellent advice!
Excellent advice!
How much will you love your
How much will you love your DH when his kids start wrecking your home though? Kids are a mess! They ruin everything nice that you have...even your carpet and your walls...everything. That is going to put a lot of stress on your relationship, I would think. I don't blame you one bit for loving him, I love mine too
I'm sure you can make it work, but I'd thought I'd post that because his kids destroying my things are something I never thought of when we moved in together. Also, make sure you section off your bedroom together as an adult ONLY zone...no kids crawling into your bed, no cheerios all over your bedroom floor, and keep all of your expensive electronics in there also lol! They LOVE to accidentally toss tablets across the room and of course DH won't punish them for it because "it was an accident".
I don't know about moving in
I don't know about moving in together. You sound similar to me. I love my husband, he is my best friend and can make me laugh when I hate life, him and wine. The kids I get along with pretty well, mostly the 9 yr old the 3 yr old kinda, she's very defiant towards everyone e, terrorist 3 stage.
It might be better for you in the long run to just enjoy the time with your husband without the kids.