Ive been asked to write... to make peace and come to terms. What is "blocking" me from accepting the things I can not change?

I asked for divorce from first wife when my daughter was 14 months old. BM could not breast feed so my opportunities for bonding went beyond my thoughts of the average dad that may not even change a diaper for the first few months. I put her to bed more than 1/2 the time, fed, played, bathed, co-slept when times were rough, weekend morning breakfasts consistently to let BM sleep in. It was awesome!!! BM on the other hand...a good person(or at least used to be), was a people pleaser. always looking for acceptance to the point of constantly repeating that her family has money(as just one example) but yet not quite fitting in with her family. Suffered from depression, anxiety and a disorder that causes a person to pull out bodily hair. She never took it serious enough to get consistent help but always complained and acted the victim behind closed doors. Very low self esteem (again behind closed doors). Spent alot on diet plans but never followed through. Got her bachelors and teaching degree after 10plus years and put it on the shelf etc...

Me... myself... if I had to give me a label after some brief research... I would say altruistic-egocentric. I like to be right.. who doesn't? I also find pleasure in helping others to the best of my ability and to a fault. I help and give of myself extensively (without thinking at first) that there is an underlying hope that I will get something in return to satisfy my life. I have never been materialistic and feel that my time is the only and most valuable thing I can offer.

My relationship with BM was just that for 10 some odd years. started with helping her improve on an activity, household fixes, needed a roommate, needed to finish school, needed to be married and eventually needed a child. Hell... never disclosed before.. but there was no passion or physical attraction I feel for either of us. The conception even was a forced choice. A choice none the less but not made out of love for each other. it consisted of self gratification and intentional fertilization. But none the less... I felt a need to make her happy in which I would get to be happy in return at some point. I thought I could change her. hahahahaha!!!

By the time I realized my errors.. We had a child and I was a grumpy dude. I was new to social media and chatting with friends old and new. Emotionally cheating at times but never physical. Tried therapy with BM but to late for saving. We are (or were) good people and in my view were well suited to raise a wonderful child together or separately.

I met my current wife at work. She was not included in any of the emotional cheating but because of the timing, BM stands on her assumption that this was the cause of the failed marriage and has been hell bent on destroying my current marriage as well as my relationship with my daughter for the past 4 years.

now trying to get back to the point of "what is blocking" me. THAT.. is what I am trying to figure out... (to be continued...)
...........

When I left. I left knowing that our child would be better off with 2 loving and "happy" parents. I was not the husband I wanted to be and not in a relationship I was happy with. Our child would benefit more by having happy parents. I tried to be as cordial as possible. not changes except for not living in the house anymore. I voluntarily gave bm more than 2/3 of my paychecks and went to stay with friends having no money for any sort of rent. I tried to be as fair as possible in every aspect of the split. During the year or so of seperation, I saw my daughter at least 4 nights a week. Giving her baths, dinner and putting her to bed. During those times BM was free to do whatever she wanted. There were times she didnt show back up until 2am and I would leave her home when she arrived or I would be off to work. All seemed to be ok and I was still actually there more than not. It all seemed to go down hill when I started asking for overnights and bm got a lawyer. The divorce had already been finalized and we agreed on property. I wanted nothing but my car and retirement that I came in with. She owned the home and everything in it (she comes from a family with money. if you did not know). All of a sudden she was claiming extreme anxiety of our daughter and her visits with me, unsafe living arrangement, myself and my friends were all alcoholics and I gave her no financial support just to name a few.

Since then I have been stepping on eggshells and trying to defend myself against flat out vicious lies. She reported my fiance to cps merely because she found out that my fiance was with our daughter for one hour where bm and I had a counseling meeting. I have recently been accused of physical abuse of our child when I know that BM created bruising to pin on me. Mind you all seems well until I try to go back to court to get more time with my daughter. prior to this last accusation, my visitation time was 40% which equates to 3-4 overnights a week. Now i see my daughter for approx 3 hours every other week. not because it is court ordered but because of fear of what bm will come up with next and bm dictates now when I am allowed to see her. I feel my daughter and I still have a good relationship but bm does not want to hear that so daughter only gives her sad stories when she goes back.
Alienation has set in some and I do not feel 3hrs every other week equates to actual parenting opportunities. I am a visitor to my child. the other gripe is the financial squeeze that bm has been putting on me and my family. Her family has money (if you did not know), she has a degree, she currently and has been receiving paychecks from her family's business. So she has the ability to claim and does claim minimum wage while receiving cash from her family which of course puts me at the max child support with no effort at all from her to financially support our child. So BM lives a carefree life while I struggle to support my family and wonder how much groceries we will be able to purchase for the next 2 weeks.

on the other side of the coin I have a wife and soon to be 2 other children that I need to protect from BM and now also protect from my daughter. My one year old is beautiful and growing fast. Our next one is due soon. We should be enjoying our time. I do enjoy our time... but the lingering poison seems to always be there. I have never been accused of something so ridiculous and damaging. I worry about the future of my family and how this all affects us. I worry about my daughter and her future growing up with the anxieties and animosity from BM.

So what is blocking me??

I realize bm is poison.
I need to come to terms that I will not be allowed to parent my daughter the way I feel is right.
I need to come to terms that my daughter may not get to spend as much time if any with her siblings.
I need to accept that a healthcare occupation may not be an option anymore for me if I loose my current job.
I need to accept that my role in my daughters life is dictated by BM
I need to accept that my daughter may never be allowed in my home again.
I need to accept that I am a visitor to my daughter.
(to be continued...)