Hi StarKnight.. I wish I could say something positive I am sure someone can. I found my husbands ex to get worse over time... from getting engaged, to married to having a child with my husband the trouble just got more intense. I have spent way too many hours stressing about her and I still am after 5 years. My advice would be to always expect the worse, try not to fight with your husband too much about it and know we can't control other peoples behaviour only our own. But when you are caught in the middle of all the dramas it is hard to control any of this so just know that there are many people in the same situation and the ex would only be causing trouble because she is so unhappy... hopefully she can't make you unhappy too like I have allowed my husbands ex to do WAY too many times. The kids will know in the end the truth so just hold tight and let it be if she is saying thing.

Good luck!!

Well people don't know me very well here yet, but if you read some of my posts you'll find out I've been 'stepping' for about 10 years, kids from 3 - 17, and as a result of it being two separate marriages...I actually have had two 'Ex' wives to deal with and of course I now have an 'Ex'. My Exes Ex-wife and I are actually now friends. We were not always and during my marriage she was very disruptive, but I also made mistakes. I was custodial too BTW, which means I was actually doing the raising 28 days of the month. She was just plain insecure and I felt overburdened and wanted credit/love for my efforts...so it resulted in some fighting and the kids got dragged through it. The best advise I can give on that is respect and empathy goes a long way with women like this...we all want to be our kids one and only 'Mom' and it's very threatening no matter what to have anyone doing 'Mom' stuff...especially when maybe they are doing it better and you feel like the kids might lose respect for you. Cardinal rule you already know...don't speak ill of the other parent EVER...even when you think they aren't around. BIG EARS. Leave the room if you think you can't control it, and make sure your SO is on board with this rule. It will ALWAYS backfire. Remember the flies with honey analogy. Realize not all BM's are rational/reasonable, but a little would have gone a long way back then.

Second experience is with my very angry/vindictive Ex-husband. He has many made up stories he drills into the kids and never has good words to say about me. To the point where my young son has threatened to not go to visitation or to leave visitation. He actually tells his Dad he doesn't want to hear it, etc...How I handle this, which goes to your question, is I validate them. I tell them that their Dad is very angry at me and that he is not going to change this behavior. I ask them if they believe him. They generally say NO, but have at times said, I don't care if it's true or not. I will then ask them if they want to hear my side of the story. I clarify that I do not like to speak ill of their father, but that I do have a side and if they want to hear it I will share it. I also tell them that the majority of what he says is untrue and much of it is very exaggerated in his favor. I also try to point out times when this behavior has been directed at them and/or instances where they can relate that they know the truth in their hearts. Kids ABSOLUTELY HATE to hear bad words and stories about a parent OR a stepparent that they love. The bad guy is ALWAYS the one saying the words, no matter what immediate rewards that person is getting. Also, what I keep in mind over everything else, is kids are only kids for a short time. They become adults and WILL look back at this time in their lives and KNOW the truth of who actually loved them. I already see some of this happening with some of 'My Kids'. I hope this helps. Don't hesitate to ask anything I might be able to help with.

Perhaps.....in an alternate reality somewhere on another astral plane...

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

In order to get to a place where the relationship is mutually amicable, it has to be, well, 'mutual'. But either way, it takes alot of patience, putting yourself in the other persons shoes, and IMO, respecting boundaries. The both of you have them, regardless of what they are, the both of you should respect them, as long as it's not interfering with the relationship you both are currently involved in (your's with DH, and her's with the skids).

As far as her talking negatively about you or DH to the skids, there is absolutely nothing you can do about her behavior, the only thing you can control is your reaction to it, and THIS is going to be what determines the stress level and the happiness in your relationship.

In my experience, when BM and I hated each other, I would still never dare say a foul word about her to the kids or even about her where the kids could hear. I always encouraged a relationship with the skids and her. Now, if the skids were to approach me and tell me something their Mother said about me that was negative, I wouldn't address it by calling their Mother a liar, I would simply leave BM's name out of it, and tell them that I hope they know that's not true.

Kids are smarter than we think, they can see your behavior, and if it reflects that of a genuine, loving, caring person, they will pick up on that.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

I think it is important to decide early on who you want to be as a person and then not give up control of that based on how your spouse's x is whether good or bad. For example, if you want to be the kind of person that never talks bad about a kid's parent in front of them then do just that, don't lower your standards just to 'set the record straight' if bm trash talks. Decide up front and stick to who you are.

I think some landmines to avoid are trying to be the one to communicate with the x (let the parents do that), not letting enough roll off, and expecting your x can just tell her off and make her behave (he can't).

Most important thing is to strengthen your marriage and choose not to let unneccessary drama take over.

My kids are 16 and 14 and they have known for several years that their Dad is wrong for what he's doing and they've always hated it...and been uncomfortable because of it. They first started talking to me about it over five years ago.

My stepkids previously, well...my stepdaughter then knew when she was in kindergarten because she said to me 'I don't care who gets mad, I'm calling you Mommy'....and she did, whenever she could be where BM couldn't hear her...tell me they don't KNOW! My stepson who HATED me for a time, is now 17 and told his prospective new stepmom that I was a better stepmom than she ever even thought about being. Their mother keeps me up to date about how they are doing to this day...I know she appreciates the influence I had and even in the rough times she told me she was glad I was there. Those kids know that I loved them....and am still there for them if they want me to be.

And no...I leave in reality....I understand the cynicism and empathize greatly, but if both sides just continue to put up walls and fight, there won't be progress. My DH now, his ex, she calls me a hoe, blames me for her daughter's problems, says disgusting things about me to him and to her. She calls yelling and screaming and leaving nasty messages, sometimes multiple in a night when she's really drunk, which is regularly. But then when she's sober and calmed down, she thanks me for what I'm 'trying to do'....and acknowledges her daughter's problems. I think this is because I have never retaliated in kind. I ignore all the bad behavior and have never once uttered a negative word about her to my husband or my SD. Doesn't make me a saint...just makes me smart...I think.

Now that I think of it...I said it was over five years ago that my biokids started picking up on it. I know I didn't mention that he was absent for five years. Left on our dauthters 5th birthday and showed back up 5 years later, so it was almost immediate for her. There is some biological wiring in our kids. I was a stepkid too and some of my earliest memories of my Stepmom was her badmouthing my Mom and how I felt sick and angry all at once when she did it. It feels like they are saying it about you is how it feels. So I guess if you could look at it that way it would be easier to see what you are doing to the kid. Every bad word that is said feels like you are stabbing them in the gut personally.

I wish I had good advice. The more I take the high road, the more BM takes advantage of it. As we've gotten engaged, married, house, baby...the more intense her interference. Just like a playground bully, the more you ignore them, the more they hit you in the face.

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton

That sucks. Totally the opposite of my experience the first time. Now this second time, she keeps hitting me but it doesn't get worse or better...just correllates to her blood alcohol content.

One question that came to mind a little delayed...has BM moved on to another man/marriage? That seems to help somewhat...unless they are miserable in that relationship.

I can tell the BM in our stitch tries to be a good person, she just fails miserably. I swear she is bipolar...highest of highs and lowest of lows. Unfortunately it's mostly lows, but when it's high she is nice to us. Only advice I will give, is the approach I take: Hope for the best, but expect the worst...that way you're prepared for either. Good luck!

"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."

BM and I have a great relationship now. IT took 4 years, alot of understand and compassion from us both................but then again.........we are both reasonable women and we work togehter now days. So that's why.

You never know, four years ago I would have never thought it.

"If you don’t adapt and look within yourself, you’ll just keep wading in that stagnant poisonous pool of stepparent hell." author: BitchBitchBarbie

The first time around BM I had to deal with had to always be in conflict with someone. It was pretty predictable that if she had a lull in her drama we could expect a flare up. There are some people in my experience that never grow out of those teen drama years and always need to stir the pot. I think she had some bipolar tendencies as well because stirring the pot wasn't always complaining, griping and negative...sometimes it was being overly sickeningly sweet. We'd go 'uh oh...crazy broad is at it again' because we knew soon it would flip to the b side. Ultimately, as everyone has said, it's about not letting someone else's whims and moods dictate the climate in your household.