In desperate need of outside opinion...PLEASE
To make a long story short my husband and i have two bio sons together 2yrs&2mos. I made it a rule of mine to never date men with children having been a stepchild myself i know that its nothing but a big mess but still ended up a stepparent anyway because he was given guardianship of a little girl who isnt his child but the daughter of the sister of a girl he dated back in hs but he was sleeping with them both sickening i know. I thought i could handle it but its gotten to the point where i dont want to be with him if it means i have to deal with her and his attitude when it comes to her(the relationship is very unhealthy to say the least). She is rude obnoxious and just an all around little brat and he encourages it. I really dont want her behavoir rubbing off on my children. But i also dont want my sons to grow up without their father on account of another child thats not even his.
We cant even really afford to take care of her but he has this money is no object attitude when it comes to her. He was offered $200 a month by the courts when the guardianship was first established but he told them he didnt need it. When i brought this up to him he acted like he was looking into getting it but he didnt follow through. Her bio mom and dad(or any if her family for that matter) contribute absolutely nothing not even a dime to her upkeep. Meanwhile we are living in a two bedroom with me my husband and our two boys all living out of one room. Due to the state involvment she cant share a room with our children because of the age/gender differences not that i would want my children to share anything with her anyway.
I am very tempted to make an "anonymous" call the the state to tell them how we are living so they will come and take her cause he wont do it because he doesnt want anyone to think he is a "bad guy". Hes told me on a number of occasions that he wanted to give her back and how it would be nice for it to be just us but i didnt chime in cause its almost as if he is trying bait me into agreeing with him so he could make me the bad guy and not take any of the blame. But i dont see anyone could expect you to or look at you any kind of way for not wanting to care for a child that isnt yours anyways. He then feels guilty cause of this and compensates by over indulging her monetarily and letting her do whatever she wants until he gets mad. Ill tell her to do something and shell start crying and he will tell her she doesnt have to but on the other hand he wants to iron fist our son who is 2 she is 7!!! Its like why the hell would a 7yr old and two year old have the same responsibilities but in his mind he doesnt want her to feel different and does so at the expense of his own children. I dont understand how a man could be so invested in someone elses child to the point where hes neglecting his own.
Everytime i want to do something with or for my own child hes all what about her or she didnt have this or that. Personally i dont care im not going to limit my relationship with my sons cause of what did or didnt happen for her especially when i didnt even know you or have anything to do with that. Hes always going on about whats necessary and what not when it comes to myself or our children but if its her he will go out and do things like spend a hundred dollars on one outfit knowing we have no income(hed lost his job at the time) and that we are living off our savings. The only reason things are even afloat is because i took over handling the finances cause he is horrible at it. But just like a child if im not watching he will go off the deep end(he went to store with her alone) and then says thats why i shouldve come with cause he wouldnt have done that if i were there. Im just like excuse me your supposed to be an adult why do i need to watch you.
There is so much i could say but this is getting long so to sum it all up would i be a totally horrible person to call the state anonymously so that they will do a home visit and see that we cant afford to care for her nor do we have the room to continue to house her so that they take her away. Cause the way i see it only two things will happen shell be gone and i and my children will be able to live comfortably finally or if he really wants this little girl that badly he will do what he needs to do to make sure me and his own children are living comfortably and that he can afford her before he can get her back from the state/her family or where ever she ends up. I know she is just a child but i am done letting her override whats best for me and my children the resentment has gotten to deep for him and her both and i dont see any other way out.
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Wow....there is no way in
Wow....there is no way in hell my own children would not have a bedroom so another child that is not mine or my DH's could. I would flat out refuse to be in this situation. How did this happen?? Call CP and give them the heads up. I know that sounds harsh, but you DH sounds like a moron. You can't afford to do this. Even this girl's own family will not stand up and take her in. She is just going to get worse as time goes on, especially because she sees the power she has over your DH.
I would take away your DH's ability to buy anything without your approval if thats how he behaves. :jawdrop:
Am I the only one that feels
Am I the only one that feels incredibly sorry for this little girl? She did not ask to be born the terrible parents. She did not asked to be giving to a man that is not her father.
Did you not know about this girl when you married and had kids with your DH?
I feel sorry for the little
I feel sorry for the little girl, BUT she is in another bad situation right now.
Are you sure your DH is not secretly the father?
Why did he think it was a good idea to raise her and have two other children without the income to do so? Was she living there before you had your sons? Why did you have two kids if you guys couldn't afford it?
Honestly, you'd be better off leaving & living alone than going behind his back and calling CPS.
Its for sure he isnt the
Its for sure he isnt the father, he and her mother claims that they know who the father is but no ones putting the responsibility on them. I too felt sorry for her and wanted to help when i was under the impression that he had the same intent( we were already living together and i was pregnant with our first child when the guardianship was given to him). He moved back here from chicago to get his life back on track and says her mother called him and asked if she could come live with him until she got herself together. When all that initially started he was living with his mom and she basically was doing all the parenting so he told her yes. Hes being playing daddy the whole time but the courts didnt get involved until the out of state arrangement was made.
I will admit that he is a moron. In the beginning we had constant struggles especially with me being pregnant cause he thought he was going to push her off on me and i basically told him if he didnt come home and be a father to her he should give her back cause im certainly not going to be bothered with her if he doesnt want to be. He thought he was still free to come and go as he please hang out all night with friends ect. She was originally suppose to be going back to stay with her mother during the summer but that happened once three years ago since then nothing. She claimed she was going to come visit her and get her school supplies last year but that of course never happened. He has no idea of what to do with her but buy stuff for thats all he ever did before having to actually raise her fulltime. We can take care of our own children but the extra burden of her is making things extra tight. I know i am stupid for even getting mixed up in all this shouldve checked him out more but all that is water under the bridge. If he would take the assistance or even try to get some child support and actually try to raise her instead of date her it would be ok but all she has to do is cry and hes telling her she doesnt have to do whatever it is i just asked her to. Its getting to the point where i dont want to do anythong for her and to pack up my kids and leave. I dont understand why he is so devoted to her but his own wife and children are going without and hes totally content with that.
Unless you saw the DNA
Unless you saw the DNA results, you have no way of knowing for sure she isn't your husband's child.
If you call CPS, they may remove all of the children, not just the little girl.
Thats the only problem i see
Thats the only problem i see ad far as calling the state goes, and if she is his why would they lie and go through guardianship i dont see what the purpose of that would be
Is the state involved because
Is the state involved because the little girl is a foster kid? If so, yiu should be receiving a check each month to support her. The only time they won't give a check is if the placement is a family placement.
When he called the guy over
When he called the guy over the case i was sitting right next to him cause i told him he needed to tell them that he does need the check. The guy told him it was only for relatives(kinship care) and that he couldnt get it and dh just left it at that
Yes she is a foster child and
Yes she is a foster child and my husband was given guardianship of her through the courts cause her mom basically turned her over saying she couldnt take care of her cause she had no stable place to live or steady emplyment. They did offer the check but he told him he didnt need it. Hes one of those proud types. I dont know who he was trying to impress but the idiot told them he didnt need it
I'm sorry, but something
I'm sorry, but something doesn't sound right here. I've gone through the process to be a foster parent here in NYC.
It is a long process.( Unless it is a family placement.)
Did you and your husband under go background checks?
Did you have your home inspected?
Did you have to submit pay stubs, bank statements and a list of your monthly expenses?
Did you have to attend foster parenting workshops and receive a certification?
If both of you were not required to do thoses things, then most likely this is a family placement.
Is your husband listed as the father on the birth certificate?
Its a guardianship and im
Its a guardianship and im assuming that they didnt do all that stuff cause her mom was giving her directly to him. They didnt do background checks extensive but a case worker did come to the house but i wadnt here and neither of my children were born yet so that wasnt factored into the equation at the time. No he is not listed on her birth certificate and i have the court documents and they have the father listed as having abandoned her. And that my husband is her "god father" there was never any christening or baptism or nothing like that though. I know it sounds crazy but thats really what happened. She was only supposed to be here temporarily but of course bm has yet to get herself together.
Here in wi im not sure how
Here in wi im not sure how the system is supposed to work because this is my first time dealing with anything like this. I was with him when he went to the childrens court and at the time the guardianship was estasblished he was offered the finacial assistance but he told them he didnt need it hes unusually preocupied with making people think hes all high and migthy. He wasnt taking into consideration though that kids need more than clothes. For he never had her full time or been on his own before we got together hes always been living with his mom or some else who had the bulk of the responsibility of maintaining a home.
And i dont know if the case workers are just swamped or what but since the court papers were issued no ones come to do a home visit even though the court order states that there is to be a yearly review. And when he called the guardian aid litem or whatever you call those people over the case about the financial assitance they guy said he couldnt get it because he wasnt related to her. I know that doesnt make any sence but thats what they said.
And the money is a big part but im more upset about the fact the he is so devoted to this kid at the expense of our own he treats our kids as if they are a burden but treats her as if he must submit to her every whim. He says he pays extra attention to her due to her situation but how are you going to slight your own children in favor of someone elses it makes no sence to me.